A joke a day keeps grumpy face away ^_^

[arturo]

looks similar to something the japanese have...i think its called dont laugh or something. but the japanese wan really use rotan to whack their butts...

---------- Post added at 05:52 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 05:43 PM ----------

YouTube - Japanese Game Show Marshmallow Eating(VERY FUNNY MUST WATCH)

---------- Post added at 06:06 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 05:52 PM ----------

YouTube - Crazy Treadmill Japanese Game

 

[Niemans1116]

Girl: What if a boy hugs me?
Mom: Say Don't
Girl: What if he kisses me?
Mom: Say stop.
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!!!!!.....

-------------------------------------------------------x-----------------------------------------------------------------

A boy watches his mum and dad having sex. He ask, "What are you doing?"
His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!"
The boy say, "Do her doggy style, I want a puppy."

-------------------------------------------------------x-----------------------------------------------------------------

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

-------------------------------------------------------x-----------------------------------------------------------------

Little Timmy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Timmy, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Timmy says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Timmy, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

-------------------------------------------------------x-----------------------------------------------------------------

Bob is on his last day at work as a mailman. He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.
When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Bob happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some 'desert.' Bob happily accepts again. When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar. Bob asks what the dollar is all about.
The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me 'F**k him -- give him a dollar.' The lunch was my idea."

 

[Niemans1116]

Mariah Carey(Mimi) being f@*ked in TV interview:

"And you those jeans look like $h!t! You look like a f*cking ridiculous mess..."

YouTube - Mimi and Bianca

 

[es2611]

Old jokes but still cracks me up

Famous quotes by the one and only Samy Velu ..

1. Samy Velu quoted on Pos Laju: "BESOH KIRIM, HARI INI JUGA SAMPAI "

2. On TV when trying to say he was ashamed, he said:
"Ini prekara sangat memalukan saya dan kemaluan saya sangat-sangat la besar"

3. Samy said in a ceramah
"Kita akan bina satu jambatan wuntuk worang2 kampong di sini" Then one pakcik asked,
"Datuk,sini takde sungai, buat apa bina jambatan? and Samy gloriously replied ,
"Kalao takde sungai,kita bina sungai"


4. Samy's most favourite quote on the news for the decade is this:-
"Toll naik sikit,banyak marah saya. You worang ingat semua ini toll saya punyer bapah punya kah!


5. Semasa krisis air:
"Semua worang diminta jangan membuang aiyerr..!"

6. Tentang masalah social:
"Worang2 muda sekarang banyak suka hisap dade.."

7. Semasa kempen derma darah di Sg.Siput:
"Marilah kita semua menderma dare..."

8. Semasa memberi ucapan di pelbagai function:
"Selamat datang saudara-mara semua" (It should have been saudara-saudari)


9. During the height of the Al-Arqam saga, he said in a press conference ,
"Saya gumbira bahawa didapati tiada pemuda MIC terlibat dalam kes arqam"

10. At an opening ceremony for a new building:
"Mempersilakan Datin Paduka Rafidah Aziz naik dari pentas wuntuk membuka kain "

11. "Kita akan bina roket pigi matahar i".....
reporter responds.."Tapi Dato, matahari terlalu panas untuk didekati"...
Samy responds.." Itu tade masalah....kita hantar waktu malam"....

 

[kumar22mostwanted]

Old jokes but still cracks me up

Famous quotes by the one and only Samy Velu ..

1. Samy Velu quoted on Pos Laju: "BESOH KIRIM, HARI INI JUGA SAMPAI "

2. On TV when trying to say he was ashamed, he said:
"Ini prekara sangat memalukan saya dan kemaluan saya sangat-sangat la besar"

3. Samy said in a ceramah
"Kita akan bina satu jambatan wuntuk worang2 kampong di sini" Then one pakcik asked,
"Datuk,sini takde sungai, buat apa bina jambatan? and Samy gloriously replied ,
"Kalao takde sungai,kita bina sungai"


4. Samy's most favourite quote on the news for the decade is this:-
"Toll naik sikit,banyak marah saya. You worang ingat semua ini toll saya punyer bapah punya kah!


5. Semasa krisis air:
"Semua worang diminta jangan membuang aiyerr..!"

6. Tentang masalah social:
"Worang2 muda sekarang banyak suka hisap dade.."

7. Semasa kempen derma darah di Sg.Siput:
"Marilah kita semua menderma dare..."

8. Semasa memberi ucapan di pelbagai function:
"Selamat datang saudara-mara semua" (It should have been saudara-saudari)


9. During the height of the Al-Arqam saga, he said in a press conference ,
"Saya gumbira bahawa didapati tiada pemuda MIC terlibat dalam kes arqam"

10. At an opening ceremony for a new building:
"Mempersilakan Datin Paduka Rafidah Aziz naik dari pentas wuntuk membuka kain "

11. "Kita akan bina roket pigi matahar i".....
reporter responds.."Tapi Dato, matahari terlalu panas untuk didekati"...
Samy responds.." Itu tade masalah....kita hantar waktu malam"....

SAMY THE MAN!!!! hahahaa
cracks me up everytime
keep em coming guys
AWESOME stuff!!!

 

[Niemans1116]

Kid throwing massive tantrum in supermarket

YouTube - English Version, Best Commercial Ever

 

[JINEIL2EN]

http://images.sodahead.com/polls/000823499/polls_sheep_man_5023_611882_answer_1_xlarge.gif

 

[es2611]

http://i735.photobucket.com/albums/ww358/zeekeell/anaksapalanie2.jpg

 

[Niemans1116]

Kindergarten teacher in Korea dancing to Wonder Girls “So Hot”.
The video starts off like all those cute Wonder Girl remakes,
but then you begin to see that this isn’t so innocent. In fact,
you realize this is a Korean kindergarten teacher is stripping
down...then there is a knock at the door..

To watch just click the link below,
and once the Mgoon Video player is on, close the ad on the video screen (if any),
then press the play button..enjoy
(Ignore the pop up add-on installation notice)

http://video.mgoon.com/1603561


PS: Video contains no nudity

 

[Niemans1116]

The difference between a boy and a girl:

 

[Niemans1116]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

---------------------------------------------------x-----------------------------------------

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was handsome. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron it"

 

[kumar22mostwanted]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

---------------------------------------------------x-----------------------------------------

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was handsome. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron it"

hahaha the second one is dammmmm potong stim!!! heheh

 

[Niemans1116]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand".

 

[Niemans1116]

To find a women you need time and money.....

And another...

 

[Niemans1116]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit."

----------------------------------------------------x----------------------------------------------------

The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... Maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then cheekily asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What, you had oral sex?" the surprised young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You', and I holler back, 'Fuck You too.'

 

[Niemans1116]

A family was travelling on vacation when they came across a petting zoo. The children asked if they could stop, and the parents said okay.

At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time. While driving to their next vacation stop the father noticed the kids playing with something. He asked, "What have you kids got back there?"

The children then produced a very cute baby skunk. The father was horrified because he realized that they had taken this skunk from the zoo. To teach his kids a lesson he told them that if they got caught they could go to jail for this. While he was reprimanding his children he hadn't noticed that he was speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car came after him he thought that they must have found out about the skunk and that was why they were stopping him. He told the kids to keep quiet and give the skunk to their mother. He then told her to hide the skunk.

She said, "Where am I going to hide it?"

The father said to put it under her dress and hold it between her legs until the police left.

She said, "But it stinks!"

The father replied, "Well, can't you just hold his little nose?"

------------------------------------------------------------x------------------------------------------------------------

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets advertising sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick , and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

 

[Niemans1116]

If a girl sounds like this, most probably they're faking it! hilarious..


YouTube - Now節目æˆäººè¬›å*´å²ä¸Šæœ€å¤§è†½é¦™æ¸¯oéšæ¨¡å¥³å˜‰è³“Vienna Lin連綺åµæ•™æ‰®AVå«åºŠ




Bold demonstration by Vienna Lin in a Hong Kong based Now TV.
PS: Do not show this to your girl..

 

[yeehau86]

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

Attached is what he found. Sometimes things just don't always come out the way you want them to...

http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h119/yeehau86/ATT00001.jpg

 

[spring]

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

 

[arturo]

What Makes A Malaysian A Malaysian?

1. A typical young Malaysian can name all the players from a top English Premier League club, but ask him to name one football player from Malaysia, he cannot!

2. When StreamyX come, you complain StreamyX too slow. When Maxis Broadband come, you complain Maxis Broadband always disconnects. When WiMax come, you complain Wimax too expensive. In the end, you say StreamyX still the best lah.

3. When highway toll price increase, you complain. When petrol price increase, you complain. When you go Starbucks buy RM10 coffee, NO COMPLAINTS.

4. When you cannot find parking in a shopping mall and have to walk very far, you complain. When you go inside the shopping mall and there's SALE, run from one end of 1Utama to the other, that one NO COMPLAINT.

5. You are always late. And the excuse you give when you're late is always either: (a) traffic jam (b) no transport or (c) cannot find parking.

6. You have a parent who forces you to take science stream in high school, study engineering in Uni, then when you graduate, they ask you to forget everything you learnt in Uni and do commerce.

7. You know someone who can specially develop an angmoh accent when speaking to an American / British / Australian.

8. You complain against the government in kopitiam, you talk loud loud. Leave anonymous comments on blogs, you also talk loud loud. Attend ceremah by DAP, you shout loud loud. Then when Opposition organise a protest and ask you to go, you dun wan. Scared later kena tangkap by ISA.

9. Every year on the 30th April, you are one of the people below queuing up last minute to submit your tax return at the IRB.

10. When you pay RM10 for something that costs RM1, you blame the Chinese.

11. When a government service is too slow, you blame the Malays.

12. When a building is not good and collapsed, you blame the Indians.

13. When a Chinese student won a scholarship, you say 'Wah! Very clever hor?' When a Malay student won a scholarship, you say 'Aiya! Of course lah! He Malay mah!'

14. When an angmoh stranger kisses you on the cheek to say hello, you very happy. When a Malaysian guy kisses you on the cheek to say hello, you slap him in face.



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