JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

More Dictionary Of Obscure Sexual Terms

Angry Dragon
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Arabian Goggles
A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.

The Bait N' Tackle
The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing!

Ballsacking
Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Bear Claw
A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.

Beef Curtain
The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

Beer Dick
This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.

Blumpy
You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

The Bronco
You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Bagging It
Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.

Brown Necktie
You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demon seed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the fun bags.

Brunski
When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)

The Bullwinkle
The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bull winkle voice tone.)

Butter Face
When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.

The Canine Special
Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!

The Carpet Cleaner
While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chili Dog
When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

Chocolate Pizza
Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.

Cleveland Steamer
The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.

 

[melody]

Q's And A's

Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

A married couple had a wild passionate session one Saturday morning before breakfast. They were really into it, even performing oral sex on each other.
I'm still trying to understand just why the husband went ballistic when his wife wanted to use his toothbrush after breakfast.

Q: Why were lesbians created?
A: So feminists couldn't reproduce!

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The little swallow.

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!


Q. How do we know the Cinderella story was written by a woman? A. Because if it was written by a guy, the prince woulda fucked her till 12 and then she would have turned into a pizza.

Q) Did you hear about the inventive woman who wired up her vibrator to her bedside radio?
A) She came up with the world's first radio alarm cock!

What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
Odor eaters.

MEN.....

What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.
What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.
But Kim,
just because you don't see them, doesn't mean they aren't out there watching. He he....

Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky? Whisky improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority.

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

The ex buffoon made me promise that I wouldn't say that that actually
happened to him, so I won't tell you.

What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.

I wanna be first to kiss the bride, no me, no me........

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.

What do cheerleaders and tampons have in common?
They're both stuck up bitches!

What's the difference between the game of pool and a woman?
With pool you put all the balls in the holes and the stick stays
out, while with a woman you put the stick in and you leave the balls out.
Define "proctologist. "
A crack investigator.

Define "bisexual."
Someone who likes girls as well as the next guy.

Q. What do blowjobs and flowers have in common?
A. After the first year they are only given on special occasions.

Success is just like being pregnant:
everybody congratulates you,
but nobody knows how many times you were fucked to get prgnant

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?


What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A hard pecker.

Q. What does a man say after his third consecutive orgasm in one night?
A. "What!? What!? Don't you guys believe me?"

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a piranha?
A: I don't know, but it's your last blowjob.

 

[melody]

Morris And Sadie

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying.
"I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been
having an affair with that chippie secretary in your
office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I
always been the good wife? I've cooked for you,
raised your children, and I've always been by your
side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to
make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie,
you've been the best wife a man could hope for.
You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't
moan when we have sex!"

Sadie questions: "If I moaned when we had sex,
you'd stop running around?!

All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I,
too, can moan during sex!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and
climb beneath the sheets.

As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"

"No not yet." Morris begins fondling Sadie.

"What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?"

"No, I'll tell you when!"

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.

"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"

"Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds
before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had!"

@@@

Ray and Bubba, two old Navy buddies, are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer, so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife, Linda-Lou, to show Ray her best Southern hospitality. She agrees. Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Ray and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?" She replies, "You told me to show Ray my best Southern hospitality." Bubba then says, "Well, girl, arch your back! Poor Ray's balls are on the floor!"

 

[melody]

Gay Signs

1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming fag. A cat is like a dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're the poster boy for GAY.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NHL, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and Nascar. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you hungry for meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the motherfucker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the beotch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to be), or, if he's Latino, talk on his cell-phone.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly. So follow the rules and beware...or keep that shit to yourself, you flamming faggot!

 

[melody]

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Kissing/Light Petting:

What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww! "
**

Undressing

What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
**

Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."
**

Penetration

What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
**

Your Orgasm

What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance. "
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"
**

Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

 

[melody]

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,

"I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you
look less attractive."

"I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"

"Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes
you look larger than you really are."

"I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on
his dick!"

"Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his
dick!"

 

[melody]

The Confessional

The local priest saw a staggering, falling down, blind
drunk come crashing into his church. After picking himself up and
alternating between crawling and falling, the drunk finally made
it into one side of the confessional. Marking this man as one who
was obviously in need of making confession, the priest hurried
into his own side of the confessional, encountering at this close
range a terrible smell coming from his new visitor. But the
priest steeled himself and said, "May I be of assistance, my son?"
"Well maybe," slurred the drunk. "Do you have any toilet
paper over there in your stall?"

@@@

A teacher is reading her class the story of Chicken Little, and
says, "Chicken Little ran up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling!
The sky is falling!'" She looks at the class and says, "What do you
think the farmer said to that?"
"I know!" says Rotten Willie. "I'll bet he said, 'Holy fucking
shit! A talking chicken!'"

@@@

A young man walked up to a girl, and said, "Hi. How's it
going?"
"Listen," she said, "I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere.
Front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been
doing it since I graduated from college. I just love it!"
"No kidding?" he responded. "I'm a lawyer too! What
firm are you with?"

@@@

A guy is driving 90 miles per hour late one night in his convertible
with his amorous girlfriend when she reaches over from the passenger seat,
unzips, and starts to masturbate him.
He gets so excited, he loses control of the car, which flips 12 times
and crashes.
A policeman walks up to the guy, who is still buckled in and alive, and
says, "Your girlfriend was thrown from the car and killed. You sure are
lucky."
"Lucky? Go look in her hand!"

 

[melody]

Q: If a straight guy who can't get a date is called a loser, what
is a faggot who can't get a date called?
A: A poor sucker.

Q: What do you call an Arkansan who doesn't fuck his sister?
A: An only child.

Q: What's the difference between a woman who's had
a child and a woman who hasn't?
A: One has a has a tiny tot, and one has a tiny twat.
Q: What is the hardest thing in the world?
A: Putting it in soft.

Q: If a woman comes into the living room to yell at
her husband, what has he obviously done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What is the most common pickup line in a lesbian bar?
A: "Your face, or mine?"

Q: What do lesbians like to use for a lubricant?
A: Tartar sauce.

 

[melody]

Morris's Shrink

Morris goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my 21 year old daughter is a
slut.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her!
I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

&&&

Genies are really evil
Okay a guy walked into a bar with a cork shoved up his butt. Bartender asks him how that happened and he says, "Well I was walking along the beach and I found a magic lamp. I picked it up to brush it off and when I started to rub it a genie popped out. He told me I had 3 wishes and I said 'No shit!!!!'"

&&&

A woman marched into the doctors office with a tiny miserable baby that
was howling at the top of its lungs and demanded," Do something about
this baby".

After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was
malnourished. He's obviously not getting enough milk," he said
sternly. "is he being breast fed?”

"Yes," replied the woman.

"Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off."

The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough
breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at
some length.

Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a
problem. "You aren't producing any milk at all."

"Of course not," she responded." It's my sister's kid,"

"Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement.

"I didn't," she replied, "until you started sucking on the other tit."

 

[melody]

A Mother And Daughter

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother
wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her
daughter to open up and talk about ****** boys and what it's like for
her.

Mom: So.... now that you've started ******, what's it like getting
intimate with young men?

Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never
care if intimacy isn't working for me.

Mom: How?

Daughter: Oh, stuff....

Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for
mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

Daughter: I don't know.....

Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what
****** boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.

Daughter: Really?

Mom: Really...

Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are
there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through
three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty
and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

While in the men's room at a beach park in Florida,
I noticed a plastic baby-changing table installed on the wall.
Apparently, some sportsmen had been using this politically-correct
amenity for their own use. Above the table was a sign reading,
"It is unlawful to clean fish on this table."

 

[melody]

Jokes for December, 2009

December 1
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was lost on the beach and the cop helped me look for my parents I said, "Do you think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there's so many places they could hide."

December, 2
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

December, 3
I get no respect. This last week my tie was on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

December, 4
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

December, 5
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

December, 6
And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.

December, 7
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

December, 8
Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

December, 9
I don't get no respect. I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

December, 10
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

December, 11
I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.

December, 12
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

December, 13
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.

December, 14
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

December, 15
I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

December, 16
I don't get no respect at all from my dog. Well, he keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

December, 17
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

December, 18
I tell you, I can't take it no more. My dog found out we look alike, he killed himself.

December, 19
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

December, 20
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

December, 21
When I was a kid I got no respect. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

December, 22
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

December, 23
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

December, 24
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

December, 25
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

December, 26
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

December, 27
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

December, 28
When I was a kid I got no respect. I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me to wait till it gets warmer.

December, 29
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

December, 30
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

December, 31
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

 

[melody]

Old Lady And The Doctor

A 75 year old lady says to her husband Sam, "You know vat, I tink I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."
Her husband says, "Ya, 'tis a goot idea dahling."
So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years. Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out.
The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, "99".
She says, "99."
"I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor.
He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99."
She says, "99."
Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also. "We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups."
He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, "Say 99."
She says, "vun, two, three.........."

&&&

Harry and his wife were driving in the country
when he saw a sign that said, "Cow For Sale...
$5000."

He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no
cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."

The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"

He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the
cow had a snatch just like a woman. Harry got
back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to
cry, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow
that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth
$5000. And here I am, with you, with a snatch
like a cow, and you ain't worth crap!"

 

[melody]

Mother Nasty - Advice for True Queers
Got a Problem?
Deal With It!!
Or Ask Mother Nasty.
Wise in Her Ways, Caring in Her Comfort, Holy in Her Vengeance...
Mother Nasty is Here!!

Dear Mother Nasty,
I'm straight and my friend is lesbian. She is always trying to make sexual advances towards me. She tries to caress my breasts and touch my inner thighs. I do not like it when she does these things..... But she knows that I'm straight. But I want to know is How can I get her to stop?
-- Straight Sue

Dear "Straight" Girl,
The only way to get her to stop is to give in to a night of hard-core, pussy-licking, clit-tingling passion!!!! That's right!! Homosexuals often have unpleasant sexual experiences with people of the opposite sex. Now it's your turn, breeder!
All you need to change your evil ways is one night with a real woman. So experiment a little. Loosen up and get wet... then admit it was the best experience of your shallow, non-existent life.
Love,
Mother Nasty


Dear Mother Nasty,
I'd just like to say that I think that what you have to say in response to people's problems is very insightful. I can only aspire to utilize the word "fuck" as well as you do in conversation.
By the way, I was wondering if you could give me some advice on a tiny problem that I have. I go to college, and the guy who lives across from me in my dorm gave me a blatant look of disgust when he read my t-shirt that said, "I don't mind straight people, as long as they act gay in public" I'm debating whether to kick his face in the next time I see him or invite him to my room to relieve some of that in-the-closet tension that he suffers from. What should I do? Maybe something else less or more extreme would be appropriate? I'm lost, Mother Nasty, please show me the way with your infinite wisdom.
-- Conniving at Carleton U.


Dear Carnivorous Conniver,
You know just how to STROKE my little ol' ego!! So, since you made me mentally cum, I'll give you some help. Mother Nasty(TN) Brand Bondage Gear
You don't know whether to beat him up or off. The answer is simple. Do both!! Sure... a little light S&M can bring a smile to anyone's face!!!
Mr. Repressed-College-Cock will most likely squeal with delight when you bring out the ol' Mother NastyTM brand of spiked leather bondage gear with pink triangle embossed boldly on each piece (available in stores now!!!). Be like Mother Nasty. Say you care with leather.
Love,
Mother Nasty


Dear Mother Nasty,
I am a thin fragile white boy in my mid-twenties with a lot of complexes. I am gay, but I have not admitted it to anyone yet. I have been going out with guys for two years now, but I have never told them of my true intentions with the "date". How can I tell them I am gay? I feel so weak... Please help me
-- David from Gran Canaria
A second plea for help from this lost soul came shortly after the first. It read:
"I have mailed you so answer! I want you to respond you psychobitch!"

Dear Thin Fragile White Boy,
Woooheee! Such strong language from such a fragile, shy, little thing. I've been busy getting a good, long jungle fuck, so there was no possible way to get to my sticky little keyboard. Anyway, let's get to your "I'm-so-weak-help-me- I'm-a-poor-thing" problem.
One thing I don't understand is how the fuck you can date guys and have them not know you're a fag. Listen honey, if you're fucking straight guys or some shit (which many gay men tend to do) then you're doing nothing wrong, keep up the good work. However, spurting your steaming, salty juice (into a condom, I hope) by ramming your hot, throbbing man-meat up someone's ass is a surefire way of firmly stating, "Hello, I'm a fag. Nice to meet you."
Call me a traditionalist.
Love, Mother Nasty

 

[melody]

Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

*About as sharp as a marble.
*A few clowns short of a circus.
*Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
*I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot.
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
*He only has one oar in the water.
*A few beers short of a six-pack.
*Dumber than a box of hair.
*A few peas short of a casserole.
*Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
*One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
*One taco short of a combination plate.
*A few feathers short of a whole duck.
*All foam, no beer.
*The cheese slid off her cracker.
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
*He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
*An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
*As smart as bait.
*Chimney's clogged.
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
*Forgot to pay his/her brain bill.
*Her sewing machine's out of thread.
*His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
*If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
*Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
*No grain in the silo.
*Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
*Receiver is off the hook.
*Several nuts short of a full pouch.
*Skylight leaks a little.
*Slinky's kinked.
*Surfing in Nebraska.
*Strong like bear... Smart like tractor.
*Too much yardage between the goal posts.
*Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
*The lights are on, but nobody's home.
*Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt.
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
*24 cents short of a quarter.
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

88888

TEN THINGS MEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:

1. Do they have a mute button?
2. Do they cook?
3. Do they clean?
4. Do they wash?
5. Do they iron?
6. Do they fuck like a pro?
7. Are their breasts big enough?
8. Do they swallow?
9. Do they swallow?
10. Do they swallow?

 

[melody]

Child Support

When someone applies for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to
find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The
following are all replies that Memphis women have written on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or
putting it another way ... Who's yo daddy? These are genuine excerpts
from the forms.


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins... child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.
She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had
unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex
was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father,
can you send me his phone number?

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.
He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in
one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area
and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian.
I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception
was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs
me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and
right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as
all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he done with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also
borned at the same time, well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that
I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in
the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going
to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right - we are all paying taxes to support these
dim twits!

 

[melody]

A Dejected Man

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love." the husband told his counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?" said the doctor.
"Not at all," the dejected man replied, "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, the house is always neat and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me watch what I want on the TV and she never objects to kinky sex or say's she has a headache!"
"So what is the problem then?" asked the doctor.
"Well," said the man, "I may be being a little too sensitive, but at night, when she thinks I'm asleep, she puts her lips to my ear and whispers, "Die! Die, you son of a bitch!"

=========

Some X-Rated Movie / TV Titles

All That Jizz
Anus the Menace
The Cockford Files
The Cunt of Miss October
Enema of the State
Fast Times on Rich Mens' Thighs
Howard The Fuck
Mr. Holland Groped Us
Titti Slickers II
The Search for the Golden Curlies
Willy Wanker at the Fudge-Packing Factory

=========

What is a cinderella perfect 10?
It's a woman who sucks you and fucks you till midnight and then turns into a pizza and a six pack of beer!

Why do women exist? Because cows are too big, sheep can't cook and chickens explode!

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections? A whine and cheese party!

What is a perfect 10?
A waist high woman with no teeth and a flat head which you can rest your drink on!

Why are women like babies? ...When they both start to cry they are usually full of shit!

 

[melody]

Chocking

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash
the trail dust from their throats.

They stand at the bar, drinking a beer,
and talking about current cattle prices.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.

One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head, no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her butt cheek a lap with his
tongue.

The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction
flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back
to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, " Ya know, I'd heard of that there
'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

o0o0o0

I sat by the Duchess at tea,
And she asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
I said with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And felt it was one up for me.

o0o0o0

The doctor tells his patient: "Dianne, I have some
good news and some bad news."
Dianne asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you
aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Dianne asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure
for being a natural bitch."

 

[melody]

Mr. Sam

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

&&&

A lady truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman
told her to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared
to be putting something in her mouth as she stepped out of the cab.
Figuring that the driver was putting away her pep pills, the patrolman
asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked!

&&&

WHEN I was young and had no sense
I had a piss on an electric fence
It tickled me prick and shivered me balls
And made me shit me overalls!

 

[melody]

Big Fat Pig

Man, I used to date a big fat fucking pig.

Big girl. Keeps her vibrator on a gun rack.

Keeps her contraceptive foam in a fire extinguisher.

One night she forgot her diaphragm, we used a hubcap.

She took off all her clothes, laid in bed, spread her legs . . . I said to
myself, "What am I doing in this lane? I don't have exact change."

But she was always fat. She was born an only twin.

She used to find money that was left under her pillow by the tusk fairy.

I mean, you know a girl is fat if she's standing in front of you naked and
you can't see her pubic hair.

She had cheese in the folds of her neck.

She was built like the Liberty Bell, only her crack was bigger.

I didn't know whether to fuck her, or take the burro ride down.

Her last gynecologist quit. He's afraid of the dark.

She puts in her tampons with a bazooka.

One night there was a fire in her apartment building, and the firemen were
using her diaphragm to catch the people who were jumping out of the windows.

I took her to Mount Rushmore, she couldn't decide which face to sit on.

It takes her an hour to take a dump . . . Forty-five minutes just to line
up the holes.

She's got boogers the size of Swedish meatballs. Hey, when she sneezes,
we've got appetizers.

Of course, she insists that she's not fat, it's just that they built the
sidewalks too close to her ass.

=======================================

There was a guy who really loved fat women. He would always go nuts over them. He went to a bar one night and noticed a fat woman walk in. Well he literally wet his pants, so he went over to her and eventually ended up at her house, and sweet talked his way into her bed.
Anyway, they started fucking away and after awhile the guy says, "Can we turn the light off please?"
"Why," said the fat woman, "Am I that ugly?"
"No," replied the guy, "It's just that while I'm fucking you I keep burning my arse on the lightbulb!"

 

[melody]

CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an
outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off,
because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called
in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at
the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call
came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway with it.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I
am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth,
pull the fucking pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my
fucking mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my goddamn
shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
fucking 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------
(editor's note: Judge #3 was
unable to report.)