JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

I've Learned.....

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
assholes.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to
take its place.

I've learned that 99 percent of the time when something isn't working in
your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you
too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Screw'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it.
Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not... tough shit

&&&

1. What is the best thing about ****** a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.

2. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

3. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

4. Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.

5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.

6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
Call her from your cell phone.

 

[melody]

Naughty Miscellaneous

WHEN I was young and had no sense
I had a piss on an electric fence
It tickled me prick and shivered me balls
And made me shit me overalls!

There once was a girl from Lahore
Who’d lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny,
she’d wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls to the core.
==========
What's the difference between a drug pusher and a hooker?
The hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
==========
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only shorts made from
Glad Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
==========
What's the best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it?
The wrinkles.
==========
How does a blonde moonwalk?
She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

What do you call a blonde holding her breathe?
Increasing brain capacity
==========
My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up
at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned
her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her
back over, and came all over her face and hair. I guess we don't
watch the same movies.
==========
Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
A: Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q: What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of each other?
A: A block of flaps

Q: What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A: Pump kin.

Q: What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A: A conga in an old people's home!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer

Q: What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
A: Toast is brown on both sides.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish porno flick?
A: It's called: " Debbie does nothing. "

 

[melody]

Guide to Advanced Nose Picking

Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you
probe deep into your nasal passages.

Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job
done to your satisfaction.

Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you
hit the jackpot! Excitement only equaled by winning the lottery.

Depression Pick
When your sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and
fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.

Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three
digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.

Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into
your nostril with childlike joy and freedom.
And the best part is, there's no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a
tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the
nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to
dessert.

Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and
you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic
pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work,
while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....

Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it
passes the septum.

Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.

Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your
fingertip.

Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your
breathing by 90%.

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

Little Johnny went to his doctor, quite worried, and asks, "Doctor,
you've gotta help me, I think I might be Gay, can you HELP me!?!"

The doctor does a thorough examination of him and says, "You seem
perfectly normal to me, I don't think you have anything to worry about.
I see no indication that you might be a homosexual. Why do you feel you
may be gay?"

"Well, every time I look in the mirror, I get an erection!" Little
Johnny says anxiously.

"Well, that has nothing to do with being gay," explained the Doctor,
"it's just because you look like a pussy."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

Little Johnny walks in on his grandmother having a shower. He asks her
what is that?

She replies "Oh! That is my beaver."

The next day Little Johnny walks in on his mother having a shower. He
then asks her what is that?

She replies "Oh! That is my beaver."

Johnny retorts "Oh! Grandma has one of those too. But, I think it is
DEAD, its tongue was hanging out!"

 

[melody]

Tasteless Old Age Jokes

There was an old man who's health was failing, so his family decided it would be better to place him in an old folks home where they could visit him every week.
After one week, the son came to visit the old man and asked, "What do you think of the home, dad?"
The old man replied, "Terrific, son. The other day I woke up with a hard on and a beautiful young nurse came into my room and gave me a head job!"
The following week, the son again visited his father and again asked how the home was.
"Terrible," replied the old man, "the other day I fell down in the hallway and a big black orderly fucked me up the arse. I want to go home son!"
"Well dad," replied his son,"You always told me that you had to take the bad with the good. One week you get the headjob and the next you get fucked up the arse. That ain't so bad is it?"
"Ain't bad?" replied the old man, "I only get a hard on once a year but I fall over 10 times a day!"

OOOOO

Mummy, mummy can I play marbles now?
Shut up son, you can't use grandpa's glass eye today!

What's the definition of sick?
Sticking a prune up your grandma's cunt and sucking TWO out!

What has 80 balls and fucks old ladies?
BINGO!
How do you know when your getting old?
When your dreams are dry and your farts are wet!

OOOOO

A 70 year old woman went to the doctor and was told that she had the vagina of a thirty year old woman. She was so excited she went straight home and told her husband.
"What about your 70 year old arsehole though?" he said.
"The doctor didn't mention anything about you, dear!" she replied.

 

[melody]

Raunchy Shorties

Two sweet old ladies were sitting in the park one fine afternoon, feeding the birds. Suddenly a huge, hairy guy walked up and sat down beside them on the bench. After a minute, one of the old ladies whispered to the other, "Martha, this dirty bugger is masturbating right next to me!"
"Oh my lord!" replied her friend, "Let's just leave, Agnes,!"
"I can't," replied Agnes, "He's using my hand!"

{{{{{

One day little Johnny was walking past his grand parents house when he noticed his grandad sitting out on the porch in his rocking chair, wearing nothing from the waist down.
"Grandpa," said little Johnny, "why are you sitting outside half nude?"
The old man looked at his grandson sheepishly and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt and I got a stiff neck, this was your grandma's idea!"

{{{{{

A camel and an elephant meet.
The elephant asked the camel:
"Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel, clearly irritated, replies:
"What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."

{{{{{

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class.
The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."

 

[melody]

Five Short Stories For Men, By Men

ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy
crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."

TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked
Him to forgive me.

THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting,
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and
yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If
you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That
would hurt too much'."

FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why
and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

FIVE
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and
said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on
all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over
and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after
that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.

---------

I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.

--------

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.

He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis."

"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.

"No," she replied. "That dead."

 

[melody]

GUYS SUCK......And Let Me Tell You Why

A Female Says...

FARTING - How come it's cool for you to do it and
disgusting if we do it. And must you lift your
leg?

JOCK-ITCH - Get help! Do you see us scratch?
We don't want to see you scratch either.

PORNOS - Why do you want to see other guys
getting what you can't.
By the way, it's not good for our skin.

PICK UP LINES - Not!

DOUBLE STANDARDS - If you can do it, why the hell
can't we?

HONESTY - Learn the concept. It is a good thing.

SENSITIVITY - Get some!!!!

DEODORANT - It's only small change at the corner
store. Buy it.

LOCKER ROOMS - Hello.....air freshner.

HEADS - We know you have two. Keep one in your
pants and get the other out of your ass.

You can't beat up everyone who looks at us.

Being drunk is not an excuse to sleep with any
thing on legs.

Believe me, sex is NOT number one and you are NOT
number one at it.

Why must you tell ALL of your friends about
everything you do with a girl? They all had the
same DREAM last night anyway.

Do not blame everything we do on P.M.S. You
should be glad we're not pregnant.

Try matching your maturity level to your age.

We are NOT objects. We have feelings, thoughts
and ideas. We can even form words like "FUCK
YOU!!!"

There is more to life than playing cards and
video games - How old are you??

Why do we have to look good and you can look like
shit?

Can we eat like humans - utensils were made
especially for this purpose. Ever heard of
knives, forks, and spoons? How about napkins?
(This does not include shirt sleeves.)

WAKE UP CALL! - Wasting a ton of money on tuition
every year to get drunk, get laid, and play
sports is fucking retarded. If you're interested,
become a professional athlete and at least GET
PAID for it.

I am not putting myself through school to carry
your sorry, lazy ass through life.

BIRTHDAYS - If you can remember the size of your
cock to the exact millimeter, then you can
remember our birthday.

Rulers were not made to measure your genitalia.
They were not made that small. Why measure it
anyway? There will always be someone bigger and
believe me, we can find him.

Romance is not three seconds of sweat and nothing
and then rolling over and going to sleep.

The one thing you are good for, you are not good
at!

Remember Meg Ryan's famous 'faking an orgasm
scene'? Sound familiar?

When we say we're lost without you, we're
probably high.

When you screw up, a rose would suffice, but if
it's not too much trouble, a dozen would be
nice.

WANDERING EYES - We know you look. Try not to
make it so obvious.

GET A CLUE! - When we say "HARDER!, FASTER!"
we're not referring to your breathing pattern.

To the FEW nice guys who don't apply to these
statements and never get the time of day,
here's a note of hope.....WE'LL WISE UP SOONER OR
LATER AND YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE. HANG IN THERE.

 

[melody]

Having a Threesome

Advantages:
1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced
to be believed
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping
for condoms
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without
actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem,
the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best

Disadvantages
1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the bathroom,
the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your
notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect or want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you
didn't suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of
relationships
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes
comical proportions
15. Now there's two wet spots to avoid

 

[melody]

Answers To 5 Of The Toughest Questions Women Ask...

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.

The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly.

For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?"

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette
and a boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up.
Questions usually along these lines

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: ---- silenece -----
MAN: Shit.

 

[melody]

Look Terrible And Smell Bad

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him
and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible, and smell
bad."

He replied, "I don't know what you mean, I felt great." The man went to
work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter
with you? You look terrible, and smell really bad." The man replied
that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great.

The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and
said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible, and smell really
bad." The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he
go to the doctor right away because he looked and smelt so bad.

The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the
examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible,
and smell really bad." The man explained that everyone was telling him
that he looked terrible, and smell really bad, but that he felt great.

The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that
he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked
up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection
"smells bad" and then the sub-subsection "feels great". The doctor said,
"I found it right here under 'looks terrible, smells bad, but feels
great'.

The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me,
what is it?"

The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a cunt."

&&&

What is the worlds smallest funeral home?
A woman's pussy, you can only get one stiff in at a time.

What do cheerleaders and tampons have in common?
They're both stuck up bitches!

How many animals fit in a condom.
A cock and a few hares.

What does a pussy look like after sex?
Have you ever seen a Bulldog eating Mayonaise?

Life is like a dick. When it's hard you get fucked and when it's soft
you can't beat it!

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin, "I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

 

[melody]

Understanding My Beauty

I see you looking at me with that look of admiration and confusion I have come to know so well;

I see you struggling to figure out what it is about me that wont allow you to look away;

I see you trying to pinpoint the physical trait that is drawing you so strongly to me;

I see you comparing me to the type of women who USUALLY grab your attention;

I see you noticing that you aren't the only man noticing;

I see you getting frustrated because you can't figure out why you think I'm so beautiful;

Well, Baby, let me help you out......

>It's not my face, you've seen much prettier I'm sure;
>It's not my make-up, I don't wear enough to really make a difference;
>It's not my hair, it's nice but plain;
>It's not my clothes, lots of women dress nicely;
>It's not my body, I don't have the kind of measurements to be considered "superfine";
>It's not my smile, it's warm and welcoming but not unique enough to stand out;

>You see, it's my confidence, the way I don't seem to care whether you look or not;
>It's my humbleness, the way I acknowledge my flaws rather than disguise them;
>It's my honesty, the way you automatically feel it's okay to trust what I say;
>It's my tactfulness, the way you never have to worry about your feelings being hurt;
>It's my submissiveness, the way I quietly allow you to take charge and be a man;
>It's my aggressiveness, the way I go after the things I want in life:
>It's my intelligence, the way I think deeply and articulate clearly;
>It's my naivete, the way I am willing to let you teach me the things I don't know;
>It's my integrity, the way I show you that I will always do the right thing and the way I expect you do the same;
>It's my naughtiness, the way I am willing to let go of my inhibitions sometimes;
>It's my sense of humor, the way I bring out the "silliness" in you and the way I make you laugh;
>It's my thoughtfulness, the way I comfort you when you are hurt, encourage you when you are strong, help you when you are weak and motivate you to do things you never thought possible;
>It's my loyalty, that special way I make you feel like YOU ARE THE ONLY MAN ALIVE when I am with you;
>It's my independence, the way I have my own place, my own ride and I pay my own bills;
>It's the way I don't ask YOU to do the things I should do for myself;
>It's the way I have a life of my own so that I don't feel the need to "sweat" you when you are doing that don't involve me;

YES I AM BEAUTIFUL....

I have the kind of beauty that does not fade with age or change with trends;
I see you looking, trying desperately to figure out why YOU are so attracted to me;
Honey, allow me to let you in on the secret to understanding MY beauty.

Look at me with your heart first,
Then, look at me with your eyes.

Now, Ain't I the first woman you've ever seen?

And, Don't you FINALLY understand why?

..........AUTHOR UNKNOWN.........

 

[melody]

Memo To Employees

Subject: FW: Memo to employees
If you don't read anything else, read the paycheck guide.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything.
We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach
of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be
made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases,
where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your
share
of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, those employees whose names begin with 'A' will go
from
8:00 to 8:10; employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10
to 8:20 and so on.
If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme
emergencies
employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'
supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition,
there
is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees
better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount
> Gross pay $1,222.02
> Income tax $244.40
> Outgo tax $45.21
> State tax $11.61
> Interstate tax $61.10
> County tax $6.11
> City tax $12.22
> Rural tax $4.44
> Back tax $1.11
> Front tax $1.16
> Side tax $1.61
> Up tax $2.22
> Tic-Tacs $1.98
> Thumbtacks $3.93
> Carpet tacks $0.98
> Stadium tax $0.69
> Flat tax $8.32
> Surtax $3.46
> Corporate tax $2.60
> Parking fee $5.00
> F.I.C.A. $81.88
> T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
> Life insurance $5.85
> Health insurance $16.23
> Dental insurance $4.50
> Mental insurance $4.33
> Reassurance $0.11
> Disability $2.50
> Ability $0.25
> Liability $3.41
> Unreliability $10.99
> Coffee $6.85
> Coffee Cups $66.51
> Floor rental $16.85
> Chair rental $0.32
> Desk rental $4.32
> Union dues $5.85
> Union don'ts $3.77
> Cash advance $0.69
> Cash retreats $121.35
> Overtime $1.26
> Undertime $54.83
> Eastern Time $9.00
> Central Time $8.00
> Mountain Time $7.00
> Pacific Time $6.00
> Time Out $12.21
> Oxygen $10.02
> Water $16.54
> Heat $51.42
> Cool air $26.83
> Hot air $20.00
> Miscellaneous $113.29
> Sundry $12.09
> Various $8.01
> Net Take Home $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or
input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.

 

[melody]

Women's Ass Size Study

*There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses!

*The results were pretty interesting:

1. 85% of women think their ass is too big..
2. 10% of women think their ass is too little...
3. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's
a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

============ ========= ========= ========= =

Dirty Leroy is out on the playground during 4th-grade recess.
He goes up to his classmate Lucy, and tells her "I'd sure like to be in
your pants right now!"

"How can you say such a thing?" she demands angrily.

"Well, I just shit in mine!"

============ ========= ========= ========= =

95% of all people have hemorrhoids.
The other 5% are perfect assholes!

Q: Why is a turd better than a woman?
A: Because after you lay a turd you don't have to hug and kiss it.

Q: What tastes good on pie but not on pussy?
A: Crust.

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A: Two faggots with hemorrhoids.

Q: What's the first thing a women released from a battered women's shelter should do?
A: The dishes, if she's smart.

Q: What's the most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex?
A: What time will your husband get home?

Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: When your girlfriend does a split and your best friends class ring falls out

Q: Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?
A: Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.

Q: What do 60,000 abused woman have in common?
A: They don't fuckin listen!

 

[melody]

The Cock And Hens

The priest in a small village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
But one Saturday night the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

&&&

A local Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, the family went to visit grandpa.
"Pa-Pa...how do you like it here...?" asked the grandson.
"It's wonderful...! Everyone here is very courteous and respectful,"
"We all are so very happy for you. We were worried that this was not a good place for you....."
Grandpa smiled, then said, "Let me tell you something about the way they treat the residents here....
there's an old musician here -- he's 85-years old.....he hasn't played the fiddle in over 20 years and everyone still calls him 'The Maestro'....!
There's an old physician here too -- he's 90 years old. He hasn't practiced medicine for over 25 years and everybody still calls him 'Doc'......
And for me.................., I haven't had sex for over 30 years and they still call me.........
"The Fucking Mexican"

 

[melody]

The Top 10 Signs You're Not the Sexual Marvel You Once Were!

10
These days, you get winded just
turning down the blanket.

9
"Five times in one night" now
means that your overactive
bladder syndrome is acting up again.

8
Bob Dole sends you an FTD
"Sorry You're Flaccid" bouquet.

7
Then ~ "Where's Waldo?"
played in bed with your pendulous babe;
Now ~ "Where's Waldo?" played
in bathroom with your pendulous
stomach.

6
Your patented "Inverse Cowgirl"
position now lands you in traction
for a week.

5
Then ~ She slipped gently into sleep
after spending 30 minutes in a
post-orgasmic stupor.
Now ~ She says you're blocking her view of the TV.

4
It takes six Viagra just to play hard to get.

3
Your mother doesn't knock on the
bathroom door and express her
concern nearly as often as she used to.

2
You can still make her eyes roll
back in her head, but now it's out
of annoyance.

1
Your response to a cute, 16-year-old
high school student with tight jeans and an exposed belly?
"GET OFF MY LAWN!!!"

 

[melody]

There once was a barmaid named Gail
On whose breasts was the menu for ale
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille


A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in
the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but
direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"


Doctor, I'm having that dream again." the patient said.
"Oh?" The shrink replies. "Which one?"
"The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and beastiality.
Should I be worried or am I beating a dead horse?"


Two gay guys were in the shower together when
one looked down and saw a puddle of white liquid.
He said to the other man, What did I tell you about farting in the shower?!

 

[melody]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left,
I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded
little boy in me talking.
Still, I never wanted to be the first one
to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come
crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.

But now I see that
my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't
miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who
makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we
let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

And this is what my heart says:
"There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts
of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.
I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation.
She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you.
I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass
that just wouldn't quit, every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the
couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've
made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a
perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?
Well, in this case,
yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?
I doubt it.

And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know,
maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a
half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking,
"Why do I feel
so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her
slutty, shameless hunger, but something else; some nagging feeling of
loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?

And then it hit me. It didn't feel
the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you.
Oh, Connie, I'm just going crazy
without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember
Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well,
she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured
I wasn't eating right without a woman around.
I didn't know what she meant
till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses
of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything,
you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight
or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden,
she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts
it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.
And
it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking,
"Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old
vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her
shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.
She's pulling for us to get back together.
Connie, she really is.

So we're
doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times.
Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is
think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just
about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole
anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you
about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between
us.
But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart
you must know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all
the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the
same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me
know where the fucking remote is?

Love,
Dan

 

[melody]

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

;;;;;

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

;;;;;

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

;;;;;

There once was a girl named McFeast
Whose crack was brimming with yeast
That fungus she would take
And some bread she would bake
40 or 50 loaves at least.

There once was a man named Ed
Who found a dead whore in his bed.
Just like her twat
Her mouth was still hot
Some men will do anything for head.

;;;;;

Q. What do vampires use as snack crackers?
A. Scabs.

Q. What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
A. "The Hand that Robs the Cradle."

Q. Did you hear the one about the redneck who couldn't tell the
difference between arson and incest?
A. He set fire to his sister.

Q. Why do men fart louder than woman?
A. Woman can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure.

Q. Did you hear about the new Japanese camera?
A. It's so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed.

 

[melody]

Vincenzo And Luigi

Vincenzo and Luigi were sitting on a bench in a New York park.
"Hey," said
Vincenzo , "do you likea biga fat woman with a longa, greasy,
straggly hair?"

"No, I'ma no likea dat" replied Luigi .

"Den, you likea da woman stinka bad a garlic alla da time?"
inquired Vincenzo .

"Nope, I'ma no lika dat kind either!" said Luigi .

"You musta likea da woman with a big, thicka hips anna varicose
veins, no?" asks Vincenzo .

"Notta me!" answered Luigi .

"How about da woman witha da big ass and hairy arms," asks Vincenzo

"Never lika dat!" answered Luigi .

"Den you Italian bastard, whya you keepa fuckin' my wife?" Vincenzo
asked

&&&

An 85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She drives because she can see and he rides because he can hear.

After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper.

She rolls down her window and the cop says "I need to see your drivers license and vehicle registration please."

The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

The husband replies, "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!"

The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her license the cop says, "Oh, you're from Chicago. I've been there. Actually, the worse piece of ass I ever had was in Chicago!"

The woman turns to her husband and shouts "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

And the husband replies, "HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!"

 

[melody]

A Beautiful Blonde

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy
that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also,
he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his
head to see how long he slept.

So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a
date with this ravishing buxom blonde.

Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they
become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls
out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says,
"Let's have this last drink at my apartment."

Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the
word, "OK."

They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when
the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment
there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."

uuuuu

What is the definition of a smart ass?
Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.

uuuuu

"Oh Mom!" sobbed Little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"
"What!? How could you?" screamed the Mother,
"and just who is the father?"
The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,
"How should I know?
You're the one who would never let me go steady!"

uuuuu

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

uuuuu

Confucius say:
"Man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts"

uuuuu

What did George Washington and Thomas Jefferson have in common?
They were the last two white people to have those names.

uuuuu

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!

uuuuu

Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?
It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

uuuuu

A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"? The bunny says "No". So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.