JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

IRS

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or
enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It's a real letter
submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre
denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for
itself.


Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 tax return.
Thank you.

I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years.
They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors
and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about
them and what to expect over the next year.
Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction.
They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!
I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer the
people's questions about their returns.
While she has no formal training, it has
not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that
you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that
over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some
Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or get up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best
to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of
overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite
relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you
reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are
a little close together than those of normal people.
He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first.
In February, I was awakened a three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses.
In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or the
Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.
His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal?
Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a
few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria.
I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal.
Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones.
This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when
he lives in your home.
DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives,
inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or cellphones.
(They find cellphones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to
lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien.
She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year.
I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of their
remedial reading courses. "Hooked on Phonics" is expensive, so the
schools dropped it. But here's the good news!
You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction
that you are denying me!

It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two).
She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her "R's".
It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me,
but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her,
she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to
move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is
only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you
take the youngest two. I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but
then I am free!
If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.
If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already
increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and
made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly, Bob
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund).

 

[melody]

The Power Of Shit

Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate
with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the
English language.

CONSIDER THIS:

You can be shitfaced,
be shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains.

With a little effort you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit
or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind,
have a shit fit
or just shit your life away.

People can be shit headed,
shit brained,
shit blinded,
and shit over.

Some people know their shit
while others can't tell the difference between shit and
shinola.

There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits,
and sweet shits.

There is bull shit,
horse shit
and chicken shit.

You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can take a shit,
give a shit,
or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit,
or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit
or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes you really need this shit
and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out
smelling like a rose.

Shit!

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic
building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to
know anything else.

 

[melody]

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."
5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
3. You're counting down the days until menopause.
2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

_______________________________________


Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having A Cyber Affair...

10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.

4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"

2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.

1. Lipstick on the mouse.

 

[melody]

In The Pub Toilet

A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door to the
bathroom opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This
guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a very large penis.

To the man's amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his penis
into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and
water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams his
penis into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then
he slams his penis into the wall of the room, knocking a very large
hole into it.

The muscular man approaches the scared guy having a piss.

"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.

"Yes," replies the guy taking a leak.

"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?"
the muscular man asks.

"No, I'm afraid I don't," says the first man.

"I'm going to shove it up your arse!" exclaims the muscular guy.

"Jesus, that's a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"

====================

A man received a phone call from a mortician in another
town. Seems his mother-in-law had passed away.
The mortician wanted instructions as to whether to prepare
her for burial or cremate the woman.
The man replied quickly, "You'd better do both! Don't take any chances!"
====================
Here I sit in gassly vapor,
some dumb fuck used all the paper.
No longer will I sit and linger,
look out asshole here comes my finger
====================
Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Q: Why is a turd better than a woman?
A: Because after you lay a turd you don't have to hug and kiss it.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So when you pull on their tits they don't shit on you.

 

[melody]

Paul's Wife

About six months ago, Paul's wife died an untimely death. He loved his
wife and had been married to her for almost 23 years. One day, Paul was
feeling his oats as well as a little sorry for himself. "It's been so long
since I got any," lamented Paul. "I'm a pretty healthy guy and I'm use to
getting a lot of sex," he said. "But now that my wife is dead, I haven't had sex
in over six months!" So, he got a crazy idea. "I will just dig up the
wife and see what's going on," he thought to himself. So, he did. When he got
her out of the ground, he saw that she was only a little flaky around the
edges, so he decided to do her like a jackrabbit. Well, pretty soon, he noticed
that she was just lying there like a fish and was all cold and clammy. Paul
remarked: "Wow, she hasn't changed a bit!"

@@@@@

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some
weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. His
grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?" "Can you touch your
asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then
you're not big enough." A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our
of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have
some of your beer?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.
"No,"
says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough." Time passes and
they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his
lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at
him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?" "Can
you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. "I most
certainly can!" says the grandfather. "Then go fuck yourself," says the boy,
"These are my cookies!"

@@@@@

For a lark this strip joint has a contest, for the smelliest cunt
contest.
So this Fat disgusting chick shows up with her husband. She's so fat
and
lazy she has to be assisted by her husband to the cunt stand. She
blows the
doors out of this place because her cunt is so smelly. She wins hands
down.
Her brave husband had stuck with her and accepted the check for
winning the
contest. The management couldn't help but ask, how do you stand the
smell.
He says, "well when she first died two weeks ago, it was pretty bad,
but you
get used to it."

 

[melody]

Whacky Dirty Dafinitions:

HOT KARL:
1. A German man who just happens to be warm at the moment.
2. The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the man who was just
balls deep in her can. (see also CORN HOLE)

HOT KARL CANDY CANE:
1. A variation of the aforementioned in which the man who is
receiving oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around. (See also
SHOCKER)

DIRTY SANCHEZ: /dur-TEE SAN-chez/
1. a filthy hair-lipped Mexican peasant.(Garrett)
2. (A variation of the "Dirty Juanita") The act of fingering a
chick's cornhole, and wiping the remaining detritus on her upper lip
while screwing her from behind, thus leaving a trail of shit moustached
across her visage.

TOPEKA DESTROYER: / TOE-pek-a d'stroi-yrr/
1. An ironclad American warship fabricated in the poorly placed
shipyards of Central Kansas.
2. The act of vomiting directly onto your partner's head while
receiving fellatio. (See COLD LUNCH)

CAJUN HOT STICK: /cage-in hot sti-ck/
1. A spicy meat stick.
2. The act in which the cock is taken out of her pooper (see also
CAJUN LOG) and slathered in the pool of dip spit in the small of her
back and then re-inserted.

RIM: /RIM/
1. the outer often curved or circular edge of something.
2. The outer often wrinkled and dark brown edge of the shit shoot.
3. v. Rim(ing) the art of exploring this prune-like orifice with your
tongue (see also "ANAL TONGUE DARTS")

GREEK: /gr-ek/
1. A man or woman that was born in Greece.
2. The act of using your glue stick (if you know what I'm saying) and
gluing your said partner's eyes closed. i.e. "Hey guys, check it out, "I
greeked her" or "I'm sorry honey, but you asked for the "Greek salad".

DUTCH OVEN: /duh-shovin/
1. a cast-iron kettle with a tight cover that is used for baking in
an open fire.
2. entrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass-odor
by farting under the covers and pulling them up over her head (and yours
as well if you're into it.)

CLEVELAND STEAMER: /KLEEV-lund STEE-mrhh/
1. A water-based merchant cargo vessel originating from a large
Ohioan city near Lake Erie.
2. (slang) The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman
while receiving penal (that is, penis) pleasure from friction between
the mammaries. (see HAWAIAN MUSCLE FUCK and PASADENA MUDSLIDE)

 

[melody]

Rabbit Hunting

Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting , but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there.

Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out.

The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack.

He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.

Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.

"Easy,"says the priest."Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole.They can't resist the smell, so when they come out,grab them."

Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed.

Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?""
______________

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mum, where do babies come from?
Mum: ... Well dear....a mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mum: Jewelry, dear.
__________________

Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

Q: Why don't blondes like vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole." [Depending on your viewpoint.]

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of her head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A1: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A2: There's writing on the white-out.

 

[melody]

The Perfect Day For....

Perfect Day for a Woman:

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lb lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor café.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two, followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

Perfect Day for a Man:

6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell.
3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin -1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked super model.
7:00 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz.
New York strip steak.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Fall asleep, laughing.

 

[melody]

"Trust Me, I'm The Doctor"

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided
to try a new doctor who had just moved into town.
After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a
stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm.
"Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?" asked the man.
"Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie," said the doctor.
When he saw a puzzled look cross the man's face, the doctor said, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
So, the next day the man brings in the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie.
"Drop your pants, and bend over," says the doctor.
"What?" says the man.
"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
So, the man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear.
"Whoa! Hold on a minute, Jack!" screams the man.
"Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie.
"Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie,"
says the doctor. As the infuriated man starts to protest the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
So, the man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the lemon cookie.
"Drop your pants and bend over," says the doctor.
"This again?" yells the man.
"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor. So, the man drops his pants and bends over.
SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear.
"Oh! I can't believe I'm doing this!" says the man.
"Hold still now and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
About a minute later, SWOOSH! up goes the lemon cookie. "Now pull up your pants
and come back tomorrow with another hard boiled egg and another lemon cookie," says the doctor.
As the man starts to shake his head the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
So, this goes on all week until one day, after the man pulls up his pants, the doctor says,
"Now come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a hammer."
As the man turns pale the doctor says, "Trust me. I'm the doctor."
The man gets no sleep that night worried to death about what the hammer is going to
feel like when it gets shoved up in him. He almost stays home, but he still feels sick.
So far the treatments haven't helped and he's afraid he'll have to start over if he goes to a new doctor.
The man comes in the next day and he brings the hard boiled egg and the hammer.
"Drop your pants and bend over," says the doctor.
"But, why do we need a hammer?" asks the man nervously.
"Trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
The man drops his pants and bends over. SWOOSH! The doctor shoves the egg up his rear.
"Please!" says the man, terrified of what is to come next.
"Hold still and trust me. I'm the doctor," says the doctor.
About a minute later, the man is about to pass out from terror and he is involuntarily
clenching his rear as tight as he can. Then nothing happens.
Several more minutes pass and he starts to relax. The man is about to straighten up
and ask the doctor what happened when the tapeworm sticks its head out his
rear and yells, "Where's my lemon cookie?!"
And WHAM! Down comes the hammer.

 

[melody]

One Liner Sex Jokes

Q. How do you fuck a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.

Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick

Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit.

Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.

Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!

Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
A. All your tic tacks are gone.

Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!

Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees!

Q. What do you call three lesbians in bed together?
A. Ménage é twat.

Q. What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
A. Speed bumps.
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you.

 

[melody]

Cartoon Characters Q's & A's

Q. Why was Snow White kicked out of Disney Land?
A. She kept sitting on Pinnochio's face and saying 'Lie you bastard,
lie!'

Q. What's red and has seven dents in it?
A. Snow White's cherry.

Q. Did you hear the sad news that all of the California raisins are
dead?
A. All the police know so far is that it is a cereal killer...

Q. What do you get when a Unicorn is run over by a Mac truck?
A. "Creamed" corn.

Q. What do you call the best student at Unicorn school?
A. The "A"corn.

Q. What do Unicorns call their father?
A. "Pop" corn.

Q. What do Unicorns use for money?
A. Corn "Bread."

Q. Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A. "t'da dump, t'da dump, t'da dump dump dump."

Q. What's big, savage, and goes "shhhhhhhhhhhhh".
A. Conan the Librarian.

Q How did Capt. Hook die?
A. Jock itch!

Q. Have you heard of the 'Divorce Barbie'?
A. She comes with all of Kens stuff...

Q. How do we know the Cinderella story was written by a woman?
A. Because if it was written by a guy, the prince woulda fucked her til
12 and then she would have turned into a pizza.

Q. Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny died?
A. Somebody put his batteries in backward, and he kept coming, and
coming, and coming...........

Q. What did pinochio say to his girlfriend????
A. Sit on my face and i'll tell you some lies..!!...

Q. Do you know how they make baby smurfs?
A. They smuck.

Q. What is "smore play"?
A. It's what smurfs do before they smuck!!!

Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him.

Q. What part of Popeye doesn't rust?
A. The part he dips in Olive Oyl.

Q. What do you have when you have a green ball in each hand?
A. Kermit's undivided attention!

Q. What do you call Miss Piggy's douche?
A. "Hog wash!"

Q. What did Miss Piggy say when Gonzo called her?
A. "I can't talk right now - I've got a frog in my throat."

=====

There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savored her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish

 

[melody]

Rules That Guys Wished Girls Knew

1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3) Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can
find the perfect present!
5) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
6) Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7) Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
8) Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every
other cat.
9) Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
11) Shopping is not sport.
12) Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13) You have enough clothes.
14) You have too many shoes.
15) Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16) Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's
way past idiot.
17) Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18) No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on
a calendar.
19) Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range.
We're bound to miss sometimes.
20) Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23) Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24) Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25) Check your oil.
26) Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27) Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29) Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.
30) If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
31) If something we said can be interpreted makes you sad and angry, we
meant the other one.
32) Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty
you are?
33) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34) You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done-but not both.
35) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
36) Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37) Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
38) Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39) Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes
you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading
the magazines.
40) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out.

 

[melody]

Man Hit By Frying pan

A man is sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: 'What was that for?'
Wife: 'What was that piece of paper in your pants' pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'
Man: 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on. '
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later the man is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: 'What the hell was that for this time?'
Wife: 'Your horse called.'

&&&

The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living."
Mary says, "My Dad is a policeman. He puts bad guys in jail."
Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better."
The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."
She says, "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?"
Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

&&&

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

DAFFYNITION: Tender love - two faggots with hemorrhoids.
Q: What do you call a queer dentist?
A: The Tooth Fairy, of course.

Q: How can you tell you're at a gay BBQ?
A: The hot dogs taste like shit.

Q: How many faggots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. But it takes an entire emergency room to remove it.

&&&

A naked old whore walked into a bar and asked the bartender for
a drink. "OK, but it genuinely looks like you won't be able to pay
for it."
The whore pointed to her well-used, flabby-lipped pussy, and
said, "Will this do?" blinking her long, false eyelashes at him.
"Don't you have anything smaller?"

 

[melody]

The King, Queen And The Troll

There once was a King and Queen who ruled a
kingdom by the sea. One day the King's brother,
who ruled a kingdom in the mountains, took ill and
needed help ruling his land.

The first king volunteered to help and explained to
the queen that his brother's illness may last many
months. They would see one another each weekend.
Every other weekend the king would journey, on
horseback, down from the mountains. On alternating
weekends the queen would journey, up from the
seaside, the same way.

"There is one very important thing to remember" said
the king. "Halfway between the two lands is a bridge
which crosses a deep ravine. The bridge is guarded
by a magic troll, who lives under the bridge as most
trolls are apt to do. He will ask you to pay a toll, a four
leaf clover, so you must promise me you will always
remember to bring one with you."

"I will" she replied thinking that would be easy since
all castles in those days were surrounded by fields of
four leaf clovers, for good luck.

So the time comes for the queen to make her first
journey. She picks the clover, puts it in the pocket of
her dress and off she goes. After a while she comes
to the bridge and out crawls an ugly little troll. "He
certainly doesn't look very magical" she thinks to herself.

The troll begins to speak. "I am the troll who lives under
the bridge and YOU must pay a toll ... a four leaf clover
if you please ... or bend over on your knees."

And with that he dropped his pants revealing the biggest,
thickest cock the queen had ever seen. He then thrust
his hips back and forth three or four times to show
exactly what he intended do with his massive, 13 inch
prick.

The queen, all flustered and embarrassed, quickly gave
him the clover and hurried on her way.

This went on for many months. The queen grew used
to seeing the trolls equipment and even began fantasizing
about how it would be to let the troll screw her. After all,
the king was just of an average size, and he was all she
had ever been with. It got to the point where her panties
would get damp at the thought of making the journey
across the bridge.

One fateful day, as she approached the bridge, she
thought "What the hell, you only live once" and threw
her clover away.

When she reached the bridge the troll was waiting. "I
am the troll who lives under the bridge and YOU must
pay a toll ... a four leaf clover if you please ... or bend
over on your knees."

"My goodness" said the queen looking in the pocket of
her dress, "I seem to have lost my four leaf clover. It
looks like I will have to take the second choice today."

So the troll helps the queen off her horse and leads her
down under the bridge where there is a beautiful bed of
flowers. She lifts her dress, slips off her silky royal
panties, bends over and gets down on her knees on the
flowers. As soon as he enters her soaking wet pussy
she realizes why he is called a "magic troll."

The troll screws the queen like she has never been
screwed before in all her life. Echoes of the queens
moans and gasps of pleasure bounce off the ravine
walls for the next couple of hours. When they are
finally done, they lay exhausted in the flowers.

"I have to admit ..." said the queen, "I'm kind of glad I
lost my clover."

"Oh, I hear that one all the time" replies the troll.

"Do many ladies come by here who have lost their
clover" says the queen coyly.

"Oh no" replies the troll ... "But your husband, the King,
loses his every single time..."

 

[melody]

Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct
tape.

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park".

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's

&&&

A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time a bus was passing by.
So she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.
At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it.

He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."

Little Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, you should get a model
that gets better mileage.

The milkman filled her this morning."

 

[melody]

Confucius Says....

... elevator smell different to midget.
... America good place for Chinese restaurant.
... no man is island, but some women are whales.
... he who have last laugh, not get joke.
... man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet.
... he who outrun cheetah, f_cking fast on his feet.
... man trapped in sewer, eat shit and die.
... man who f_ck ugly dog, get howled at.
... all men eat, but Fumanchu.
... he who eat crackers in bed, have crummy sleep.

>>>>>

A door-to-door salesmen knocks on a neighborhood door. A
little boy answers the door and the salesman says, " Hi
little fellow, is your mother home ?"

"Yes said the lad, she's out in the backyard screwing our
goat."

" No," says the salesman, " I don't belive you."

The boy says, " Come see for yourself."

So the salesman takes a look in the backyard, and sure
enough, there was the mom bent over with a large goat
screwing her from behind.

The salesman said to the boy, "isn't your mom afraid she'll
get pregnant?"

The boy says, " N-a-a-a-a-a-a-a"

>>>>>

An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape for your
age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went
out to the reception room and said:

"Jake do we still have intercourse?"

Jake answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told you a
thousand times... We have blue cross !!"

 

[melody]

Technical Support
Oh.... Some People Are Truly STUPID

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but
it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the
CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates .
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.................thank you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a, as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I can't get on the internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse,
it disappears.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a printer problem.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under
a window, and his printer is working fine."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And last but not least:

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle
of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the
Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

 

[melody]

Paddy And Paddy

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a

pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy,

me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin

Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy

stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has

chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with

one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin

pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my

fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will
avan ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy

again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig

has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two

fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns

which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. ?I?ll

tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den

we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin

tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it,

Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy,

"YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG,

AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN

TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one,

and I'll have the white one"

 

[melody]

The Dead Frog

Little Johnny walks into a whorehouse, holding a shoe box under his arm.
He reaches up to the counter and rings the bell. Out comes the Madame.
She looks down at Little Johnny and says to him, "Well, well, what can
we do for you little boy?

"Yeah, I wanna fuck a bitch with aids," replies Little Johnny.

The Madame is a little shocked. "Excuse me?" she asks.

"Open yer fuckin' ears, bitch! I wanna hooker with aids!" repeats Little
Johnny.

She laughs at Little Johnny mockingly and says to him, "You do realize
that this kind of thing costs money, don't you?"

She stops laughing when Little Johnny slams down three hundred dollars
on the counter. "Money's not a problem lady," sneers Little Johnny.

"What do you want a girl with aids for?" the Madame asks.

Little Johnny answers, "That ain't none of yer fuckin' business. You
gonna give me the bitch with aids or what?"

"Okay, little boy, you do seem quite serious. I'll go and get her. By
the way, what's in the shoe box?"

Little Johnny snaps back "That ain't none of yer business either."

The Madame stares Little Johnny down and says, "Yes it is my business,
because I have to look out for my girls. Tell me what's in that box or
the deal is off!"

Little Johnny opens it and there's a dead frog inside. The Madame looks
puzzled, so Little Johnny explains it to her. "Okay, I fuck the bitch
with aids, then I get aids. I fuck my babysitter and she gets aids. She
fucks my dad and he gets aids. My dad fucks my mom and she gets aids. My
mom fucks the mailman and he gets aids and that's the motherfucker who
stepped on my pet frog!"

-----

Little Johnny was only six years old when he tried to feel his sister's
friend's pussy.

She slapped him and said not to because it has teeth and will bite.

As the years passed, and Little Johnny one day grew to become a man, he
was sitting in his car with his girlfriend, rubbing her thighs and
squeezing her tits, when she said, "Aren't you going to feel my pussy?"

He said, "I can't, its got teeth!"

"Don't be a fool," she said, "Have a look if you don't believe me."

So he thought about it, then took off her panties and spread her legs.
He looked in and said, "I'm not surprised you haven't got any teeth with
gums like that!"

 

[melody]

Jacko's Q's & A's

Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And Then He Touched Me."

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?
A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing."

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play
with and the other you carry your groceries in.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boy's pants were half off.

Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: "Get out of my son!"

Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand.

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy.

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new song?
A: "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles."

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have
decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna
ride all the three-year-olds.

Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his.

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.

Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
A: Foreplay.

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalog.

Q: What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
A: Blowing his first nose.

Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi.

Q: What's black and comes in little white cans?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?
A: They both play ball in the Minor League.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.