JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

THE EVIL RACE

Woman are an evil race,
They play all sorts of games;
They lead you up the garden path
And call you lovely names.

They say that they are equal,
Then change it when it suits;
Equality goes out the door,
If it means they get more roots.

They play all weak and soft,
When you know they are as hard as nails;
they wrap us around their fingers,
And exploit defenseless males.

Let's face it - woman are a curse,
And sure, it's fun to root 'em,
But if they didn't drop their pants,
You'd hunt 'em down and shoot 'em.

@@@

Confucious Say.....

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.
It takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who sit on tack, get point.
Man with hand on tool not always mechanic.
Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.
He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

@@@

What's the definition of the perfect woman?
She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a
can on it.
The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in.
The economy model
fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

 

[melody]

Farts In The Classroom

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher
gets really upset and throws him out he goes and sits
outside the class and can't stop laughing.
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside
laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing
sitting here laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher
threw me out"
The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting
in the class smelling my fart and they put me outside
in this beautiful weather"

vvvvv

An ode to the hole
That never heals.
The more you touch it
The better it feels.
You can rub it
And scrub it
And brush it like hell,
But you will never get rid
Of that fucking fish smell.

vvvvv

Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an
irritating cunt once in a while too.

How does a lesbian hold her liquor? By the ears.

Alcohol Kills Slowly So What ? ~ Who's In A Hurry ?

What's the real meaning of the word lesbian???
Just another woman trying to do a man's job.

 

[melody]

Top 10 Online Lies

10. "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend".

9. "You're different...........I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."

8. "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile...............but tell me more
about yourself."

7. "I never do cybersex!! Yet here in this room alone with you, well I'm getting excited"

6. "Yes of course I'm female............"

5. "No this is my only screen name....You mean you can have more then one?"

4. "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!" Male version is "I'm 6'0, great tan,
and buffed from working out"

3. "I'm not like most of the guy's here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and
get to know each other" (at the hotel coffee shop)

2. "I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts" (Which is true,
except it means "I'm horny and could care less, just type")

1. "Tonight my love...........our souls have touched.

&&&

Billy Joe Bob and Bubba were walking down a country road when they
came upon a young woman with a flat tire on her bicycle. Bubba stopped

to help her and Billy Joe Bob continued on down the road. Soon after,
Bubba came riding up on the bike and Billy Joe Bob asked him what had
happened.

"Well," said Bubba, "I stopped and fixed the tire for that girl and
after I did that, she took off her panties, lay down in the grass and
told me to take whatever I wanted. I chose the bicycle."

Billy Joe Bob said, "Well, Bubba, that was probably the right
choice, cuz them panties probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

[melody]

Sex Definitions

THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex,
especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or
the shrill voice of an unexpected parent

RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken

BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual
interest

DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts

TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse

PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on
her teeth

STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's
private parts by the male's hands

HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!

@@@

Interview with Tarzan
Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.

Interviewer: Name?
Tarzan: Me Tarzan
Interviewer: Married?
Tarzan: Wife Jane
Interviewer: Children?
Tarzan: Son boy
Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle
Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name
Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy

 

[melody]

Across The Desert

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized
halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was
about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their
rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not
going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed
their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun,
"You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing
I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking
off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed
to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well,
Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either.
Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If
I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel ass
and lets get the hell out of here!"

===================

Blonde Moments!

Rachel and Lena two blondes were sitting down to their usual morning
cup of coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has
been declared" the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Rachel says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from her coffee.

The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 2 to 4 inches
of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."
Again Rachel says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from her coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 6 to 8 inches
of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the..."and then the power goes out and
Rachel doesn't get the rest of the instructions.
She turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
And Lena replies "Aw, Rachel, just leave the car in the garage today."

 

[melody]

Naughty Shorties

Women, eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching,
tummy tucks, lipo suction, colonic irrigation, botox,
pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows
plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed,
legs waxed, diets, exercise and they STILL wont take
it up the ass because it "hurts."
____________ _________ _________ ___

There was a young fellow named Charteris
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
She said, "I don't mind,
And up higher you'll find
The place where my fucker and farter is."
____________ _________ _________ ___

There was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire,
She said: "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
____________ _________ _________ ___

There was a young athlete named Grimmon,
Who developed a new way of swimmin'...
By a marvelous trick,
He would scull with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
____________ _________ _________ ___

Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower?
A: Give the bitch a shovel.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Q: What's the definition of gross?
A: Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.
Q: What's even grosser than that?
A: When one of them throws up.

Constipation is the thief of time; diarrhea waits for no man.

Let's keep incest in the family.
____________ _________ _________ ___

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't
believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and
your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour, When
you open the trunk, which one is really happy
to see you?
____________ _________ _________ ___

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
____________ _________ _________ ___

"I think I may be losing my mind!" The blonde
complained to her doctor. "I can't remember anything
five minutes after it happens!"
Her doctor answered her in his most comforting
tone, "Just take off all your clothes and lie down."

 

[melody]

Piss Off!!

(the male author responds to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's rest room):

This is very long but very true and funny.

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for.

Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe.
I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding.
It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things.
A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it.
Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up.
You jam it back & compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there.
OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time."
OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.
Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!

 

[melody]

Results Of The Week

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow
hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,
the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in
warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank
you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the
results.

The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never
get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

&&&

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

*****

A ninety-three year old goes to a hooker. When he takes out his
limp, old dick she says, "You've had it, mister!"
"Thank you! How much do I owe you?"

*****

A woman was confessing to her psychiatrist that she had fallen in love
with her vibrator. "It's not as bad as it sounds," she added. "It's more
or less an on-again, off-again relationship."

 

[melody]

T-Shirts For Women Who Take No Crap:

1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later
4. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
8. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
9. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
10. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
11. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
12. I hate everybody, and you're next.
13. Please don't make me kill you.
14. And your point is...
15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
16. All stressed out and no one to choke.
17. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
18. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
19. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

99999

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with
him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the
peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're
leaving,
his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts.
" She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only
suck the chocolate off 'em.

99999

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate
men everywhere? "'Hold my purse.'"

99999

A plane was about to crash, so the stewardess stood up and said,
Is there any man, man enough to make me feel like a woman!"
A guy stood up and took off his shirt and said,
Here, iron this!"

99999

What has a woman got in common with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Once you get past the tender breast and the juicy thigh, all
you're left with is a greasy box.

 

[melody]

Ode to the Clit

You try so hard to lick me well,
There's something I should really tell,
You're licking all around my mound,
But there's one place where pleasure's found.
It's not that high or down that low,
It's not that fast and not too slow,
Don't waste my time and all that spit,
Just stay your punk ass on my clit!
With your finger or with your tongue,
Stay on that clit till the job is done.
Suck it like a little dick,
The only place that you should lick,
Do not move until I cum,
The other stuff is really dumb.
I'm telling you to help you know,
The clit's the ONLY place to go.

This is a tip for giving head,
You'll be an expert in the bed.

Women want all men to know,
Do it hard and do it slow.
Don't be lazy, this takes a while,
But it will always make her smile!
After she cums then you can fuck,
And with a little bit of luck,
Your woman will be thrilled in bed,
You've finally learned to give good head!

ddd

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerf#ck."

ddd

A man says to his wife, "I fancy some kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"
The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"
To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still f#cking talking aren't you!"

 

[melody]

Reasons Masturbation Is Better Than Real Sex

1. Your hand always lets you finish first.

2. It's free.

3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.

4. You call the position.

5. "Premature ejaculation" ? hehehe

6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.

7. Your privates are your best friend.

8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.

9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.

10. Easier to join their "Mile High Club."

11. You get to scream out your own name.

12. Peeing is considered foreplay.

13. Nobody ever says, "Why is it all green and wrinkly?"

14. You'll never have two women, but you'll always have two HANDS!

15. Four words: "Brad Pitt hand puppet."

16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.

17. Don't have to clean up fur afterwards.

---------

Question: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: One. ONE!! And do you know why it only takes one? Because no one
else in this house know show to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is burned out! They would sit in this house... in the dark... for THREE DAYS before they figured it out! And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, two days later the
chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to CHANGE the stupid light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!!!!
THE HOUSE!!? IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... this...
I'm sorry... what was the question...?

---------- Post added at 04:12 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 10:58 AM ----------

Letter Of Resignation

ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:
Dear Sir,
This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills.

I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.

My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies I requested and received last week.

Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.

Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.

Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.

My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker.
Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone to a better future.

I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass motherfuckers.

Yours sincerely,
__________

Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: An expensive way to get their laundry done for free.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans,
would you know which bean made you FART?"

__________

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges whatever is given to her.
So bear that in mind - if you give her any crap, she'll give you a ton of shit.

 

[melody]

More Cool Pick-Up Lines

139. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
140. A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
You: "Do you have the energy?"
141. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
142. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
143. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
144. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
145. Hey I am a wrestler, let me take you down.
146. Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them?
147. What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.
148. I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast.
149. Wow! Are those real?
150. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?
151. You've got to refer me to your plastic surgeon.
152. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
153. Do you take it up the *ss?
154. Is that a tic-tac in your shirt pocket or are you just glad to see me?
155. What would you do if I kissed you right now?
156. I'm drunk.
157. You know, I'd really love to f*ck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.
158. Ever tried those weird prickly condoms?
159. Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us.
160. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
161. (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
162. I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your *ss when I'm finished.
163. Will you marry me and have my children?
164. I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles b*tch!
165. Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.
166. Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?
167. That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too.
168. Can I see your tan lines?

&&&

A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's
couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a
secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being
a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to
live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts,
points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

 

[melody]

Politically Correct

Notification to all staff regarding language:
Due to the politically correct movement, employees of this store must change the language they use in the presence of customers. The following is a translation list for employee reference:
*No fucking way - I’m fairly sure that’s not feasible
*You’re fucking kidding - Really?
*Who the fuck are you - Hi, we haven’t met..
*Tell someone who gives a fuck - Have you run that by..
*No cunt told me - I wasn’t involved in that project
*You don’t know shit - You seem perplexed
*What the fuck do you want? - Hello, may I help you?
*She’s a ball-busting bitch - She’s assertive
*This place is fucked - We’re a bit disorganized today
*Stick it up your arse - No thanks
*You’re a fucking wanka - You are my supervisor and I respect you
*You fat fucking loser - Gee, that was unfortunate
*I don’t give a shit - I’ll certainly think it over

uuuuu

Mary had a little snatch,a teeny tiny hole.

Johnny couldn’t fit it in, his massive manly pole.

He greased her up, squirmed and shoved, and pinched her little tit,

But nothing seemed to work for him, the damn thing would not fit!

So Mary drank a lot of wine, and smoked a little grass,

And just as she was passing out, he shoved it up her ass!

uuuuu

Q. Why do women enjoy giving blow jobs?
A. They know it's about the only time that they can get anything
straight in their heads.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the
Profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who
had practically nothing on?
A. When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron.

Q. What do vampires use as snack crackers?
A. Scabs.

 

[melody]

Some Points To Ponder:

~*~ Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.

~*~ Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

~*~ I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?"

~*~ I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up
fast.

~*~ Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

~*~ I have my own little world. But it's OK. they know me here.

~*~ I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.

~*~ If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

~*~ I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

~*~ There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shit head's.

~*~ I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

~*~ I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

~*~ Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.

~*~ How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America?

~*~ Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

~*~ Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

~*~ Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

~*~ Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!

*~^~*~^~*

Little Johnny was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman
about to breast feed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a
very large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth.

"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" Little Johnny asked.

"Relax, son. She's just feeding him," his father replied.

"Get the fuck outta here!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "There's no way
he'll eat all of that!"

 

[melody]

Raunchy Miscellaneous

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
incredible set of jugs. He says, "Give me two pickets to
Tittsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh."

He's really embarrassed...

The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips
like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to
my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You fucking
bitch, you wrecked my life.'"

^*^

Two lawyers had been marooned on a dessert island for almost a year
after their ship had sunk during a terrible storm. One day while walking
along the beach, the two lawyers find a beautiful unconscious woman
washed up on the shore.

The first lawyer asks the second lawyer, "Think we should fuck her?"

And the second lawyer replies, "Outta what?"

^*^

A woman was on her way home from the market carrying a duck. A drunk
staggered up to her and said,"Hey! where'd ja get that pig?"

The woman haughtily replied," You drunken ass, that's no pig -- it's a
duck!"

And the drunk said," Shut the fuck up, I was talking to the duck."

^*^

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all?
The mirror answered with a grunt
It's sure not you, you ugly cunt

^*^

The teacher hears Johnny cussing, so she gets pissed off and goes
bitching to Johnny's father. She comes to Johnny's house and notices
Little Johnny fucking a goat in the yard.

She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son!
He cussed in school and now, now he's being carnal with a goat in the
yard!"

"Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!" shouted his father.

^*^

Q. What do a condom and a woman have in common?
A. They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick.

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

Q. WHY DID THE GAY GUY GIVE HIS LOVER A BLOWJOB AFTER SEX?
A. HE WANTED TO HAVE HIS COCK AND EAT IT TO...

Q. WHAT DOES EATING PUSSY AND BEING IN THE MAFIA HAVE IN COMMON?
A. ONE SLIP OF THE TONGUE AND YOU'RE IN DEEP SHIT

 

[melody]

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts." After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."

bbbbb

Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother
came in to see what was the matter. "I have to make pee pee", wailed
Little Johnny.
"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."
"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."

"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother
firmly."
"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." replied Little Johnny.

bbbbb

A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.
She replied, "You mean imagine that it's good?!"

bbbbb

Some good put-downs...ya' never know when you'll need one!

*I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you --it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person.

*Are your parents cousins?

*Your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter.

*Nice face...what are you going to do when the baboon wants his ass back?

*Oh my God, look at you! Anyone else hurt in the accident?

*What other problems do you have besides being unemployed, a moron and a dork?

*Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

 

[melody]

Sex Calories

Calories we burn whilst having sex!
"If you like exercise, you will like this chart,
If you loathe to exercise, you will love this chart!"


The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa).........1/4 calories
If the woman is not (same vice-versa).........274 calories

------------

Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a Shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size............22 calories
Oversize.................15 calories
Tremendous............8 calories
Teensy-weensy.......163 calories

------------

Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)..........20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom.........................................25 calories
Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities,
this position affords a better view of the clock.
From the rear (Mysterious variation)..............................40 1/2 calories
Standing
Both partners of equal height......................................18 calories
Woman 1 foot taller than a man..................................90 calories
The man will have to make several rigorous leaps into the air
in order to achieve even minimal satisfaction
While in traction.............................................................124 calories
(very useful during ski season)

------------

Locations
On a bar stool....................20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic......38 calories
In a phone booth
Standing.......................14 calories
lying down...................274 calories
On an airliner
Aisle seat....................24 calories
Middle seat.................42 calories
Window seat...............30 calories
In the lavatory.............100 calories

------------

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing........................7 calories
Sliding around................9 calories
Serious Skidding............12 calories
Full cartwheel................20 calories
Whiplash........................27 calories
Knee burn.......................6 calories
Chafed elbows...............5 calories
Chafed nose...................11 calories

------------

Sex Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp).....................................3 calories
Wheezing.........................................................5 calories
Squeals............................................................4 calories
Ecstatic moaning..............................................11 calories
Low growling..................................................8 calories
Squishing.........................................................10 calories
Shouting...........................................................16 calories
Screaming........................................................18 calories
Urgent begging.................................................22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions......25 calories
"Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more"
are common examples

------------

Approaching Orgasm
Letting go..........................................................5 1/2 calories
Controlling yourself.........................................79 calories
Digging nails in your partners back back.........11 calories
Trembling........................................................15 calories
Shaking............................................................20 calories
Shuddering......................................................25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open................................33 calories

------------

Orgasm
Real............27 calories
Faked.........160 calories

------------

Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didnt change...............1/2 calorie
Face turned purple........................15 calories
Orchestra swelled.........................6 calories
Magical explosions.......................10 calories
Blazing Sheets...............................25 calories
Earth moved..................................30 calories
Vesuvius erupted...........................47 calories
You began moaning in Latin..........60 calories

------------

Pulling Out
After orgasm...................................1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm.......500 calories

------------

Multiple Orgasms
For woman
2......14 calories
5......30 calories
8......47 calories
Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship and ride a Moped.
For Men
2......21 calories
3......39 calories
4......57 calories
For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.

------------

Special Orgasms
Clitoral...............15 calories
Vaginal...............21 calories
Penile.................21 calories
Scrotile..............15 calories
Rectal................25 calories
Oral...................30 calories
(can also occur during an especially good meal)

------------

Premature Ejaculation*
During insertion.............................2 calories
During intercourse.........................5 calories
approx.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion,
which ever comes first
During foreplay.............................3 calories
Immature ejaculation.....................4 calories
similar to premature ejaculation except male
acts childish and throws a tantrum

*Often caused by an inability to do things right.

------------

Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the footy on the tv.

For Woman
Frustration..........................................8 calories
Anger.................................................15 calories
Violent mood swing...........................20 calories
Suppressing rage................................25 calories
Not suppressing anger........................65 calories
in extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks,
and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.

For Men
Cursing..............................................10 calories
Apologizing.......................................3 calories
Sniveling..........................................5 calories
Pleading for mercy............................8 calories
Begging for another chance...............15 calories

Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 sec's of sex.

------------

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning.........................6 calories
Palpitations......................10 calories
Shortness of breath..........5 calories
Perspiring........................8 calories

------------

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less-than-sunny disposition........1 calorie

------------

Recovering
Un-entwining............................................3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis.............7 calories

After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist
to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put one foot
in front of the other), which will seriously impair your chances of going
to the bathroom or getting a juice.
Standing up...............................................9 calories
Getting some juice....................................11 calories

------------

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
After intercourse............18 calories
Classic behavior for shiftless men who believe they've done their job
and are now entitled to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.
During intercourse.........32 calories
Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.
During foreplay.............12 calories
Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.

------------

Trying Again
If the woman is ready...........5 calories
If the man is not....................156 calories

------------

Dreaming
Regular dream.................2 calories
Wet Dream......................16 calories
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices
Wet Trance......................20 calories
Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist

------------

Group Sex
Introducing yourself.....................3 calories
Overcoming shyness....................8 calories
Swapping partners
Willingly.................................4 calories
Unwillingly.............................62 calories
Jealousy......................................16 calories
Partner having more fun than you are
Mixed doubles............................26 calories
Being nice to everyone...............100 calories
Anger..........................................10 calories
You suddenly realise that you're wanted for you body and not your mind.
Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.
Finding your clothes....................5 calories

------------

Masturbation
For pleasure only...................................6 calories
For exercise, too....................................10 calories
For relief from tension...........................12 calories
To pass the time.....................................7 calories
To avoid overeating...............................16 calories
To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories
To get in touch with outter self..............10 1/4 calories
To avoid insanity..................................24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories

In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.

Using
Your hand(s):
Regular way......................................11 calories
Your finger(s)...................................9 calories
Tweezers..............................................2 calories
An inflatable doll.................................24 calories
Any fruit or vegetable..........................19 calories
except watermelon or a sprig of parsley
A vibrator:
Hand-operated.................................12 calories
Windup............................................9 calories
Electric............................................5 calories
Anything not mentioned here.................50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater
Purchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 calories
Finding isolated seat.........................78 calories
Adjusting raincoat.............................3 calories

------------

Typical Sex-Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did............................4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 calories
Climaxing too soon.............................................5 calories
Climaxing too late...............................................6 calories
Not climaxing......................................................20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 calories
Partner doesnt think of me as a sex object...........47 calories
Partner will neglect to administer last rites
should I not recover from orgasm......................88 calories

------------

Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8 calories
Penis envy.........................................................................72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak..........................................25 calories

------------

Getting Caught
By partner's spouse.........60 calories
By your spouse................60 1/2 calories
Trying to explain.............165 calories
Stuttering.........................28 calories
Throwing-up...................40 calories

Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed

------------

Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm...........................100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)...................66 calories
Leaping out of bed................................25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion.....300 calories
Thanking partner quickly......................2 calories
Jumping out of window........................15 calories
add 5 calories if window wasnt open
Landing................................................1 calorie
Running very fast.................................50 calories

------------

Now go and find your partner
and lose those calories and have FUN!

 

[melody]

Funny Shorties

An LPN working at her nurse's station sees a doctor coming towards her
from the other end of the corridor. As he gets closer she notices that
there is something odd or different about the doctor. Finally when he
reaches the nurse's station she realizes that there is something
strange on his ear. Out of curiosity she finally asks, "Doctor, What
is that behind your ear?"
He pulls it off, looks at it and responds, "Shit, it's a rectal
thermometer, some asshole's got my pen."

yyyyy

Have you heard about the masochist who had to break a date because
he was going to be tied up all night?

As long as I have a face you'll always have a place to sit.

Become an amateur gynecologist. Look up a friend today.

Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts cost a buck fifty-nine. Deer nuts are under a buck.

What's the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

What is the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
At a straight rodeo they yell "ride them suckers!"

Why did God give women yeast infections?
So they'd know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

yyyyy

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her
he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a
tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather
have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

yyyyy

The dumbest part of a mans body is his penis.....
It hangs out with a couple of nuts,
lives next door to an asshole
and his best friend is a pussy!

yyyyy

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for
life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned.
"From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested
plastic companion," she said.
"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's
simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

yyyyy

What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?
"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."

yyyyy

One night Scott was getting very drunk in a pub.

He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his wanker out as he went in the door.

However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can.

"This is for ladies!" she screamed!!

Scott waved his wanker at her and said, "So is this!"

 

[melody]

Application To Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? ___yes ___no

If No, EXPLAIN ______________________________________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______
A waterbed? _________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring,
or a tattoo? _____________________

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
__________________________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
____________________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
______________________________________

12. Church you attend _____________
How often do you attend ______________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother
and priest/rabbi/minister? ____________________________________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is

b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my

c) A woman's place is in the

d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is

e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is
______________________________________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue.
Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________

Please Review the Following
Ten Simple Rules for ****** My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be ******. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
____________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT I HAVE READ ALL THE RULES AND THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
____________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

This is your "last chance" to check your answers.
Perhaps you should check your response to question #10. This guy didn't get it!

Do you still want to date my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application

_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house.

 

[melody]

Plastic Surgery

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined
him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer park, and from where I live, I can see
this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and she's built like a brick
house. She's so horny that every night, I see her take a hot dog from the
refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then
she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well," said the man, "I felt this was a waste, so one day I got under
her trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and
substituted my dick.

"It was a great idea and everything was going real good, too. Then
someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off my hot dog and tried to
kick it under the stove!"
=====
A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time...she's lying on her
back with her feet in the stirrups when the doctor comes in. He lifts up
the sheet and recoils in shock. "My goodness", he says, "You have a HUGE
pussy!"
She's upset, of course, and runs home in tears...Then she starts to
think - this guy would know, right? After all, he is a doctor. Now she's
curious, so she puts a mirror on the floor, strips from the waist down,
and stands over the mirror so she can check it out. Just then her
husband
comes home. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks. She's embarrassed to
say, so she sways her hips a little and says, "Oh, I'm just dancing..."
He says "Better watch out... You'll fall in that big fucking hole in the
floor"
=====
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q: What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?
A: You make new friends every day.
Q: What's the difference between men and hogs?
A: A hog won't spend 20 bucks on drinks just so he can fuck some pig.