JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Cyberia

http://img683.imageshack.us/img683/4425/cybersex2911277.gif

I turn on my computer and I'm looking for some action.
I see my online lover and beg for satisfaction.
We go to a private room and you know what happens next.
We think and type and talk about different kinds of sex.

Just about 9 days pass and I find I'm feeling ill.
Maalox, Pepto NOTHING will make my stomach chill.
I mention it to my online love & we try to figure it out.
A few more days have passed & my stomach's sticking out!

So, now my head is spinning I don't know what to do.
I'm having sex with no one, EXCEPT...my online boo.
No, wait just a minute. Please tell me this can't be!
He cannot get me pregnant by having cyber sex with me!

I call the local clinic and explain the situation.
All the nurses laugh at me, I'm crying in frustration.
My stomach's getting bigger with every passing day.
Who would have thought you could get pregnant this way?

A pregnancy test was taken, it came back with a yes.
I Instant messaged my online lover and put him to the test.
I told him of my feelings and all my gaining weight.
I told him we were parents and gave him my due date.

When all the shock was over, he gave me an online *kiss*.
He told me that he loved me & he'd help me get through this.
My stomach starts to ache I go run to my mom.
I feel the need and start to push & out pops a CD ROM!!

I put it in the computer and while I wait, I pace.
When soon on my computer, comes a beautiful baby's face!
You know this story's fiction but before you take a risk,
put on a cyber condom...before you get some cyber dick!

*****

Having a man in your life is like a deck of cards ...
You need a heart to love them
You need a diamond to marry them
You need a club to beat them
And you need a spade to bury the bastards

 

[melody]

Denise's Grandma

Denise was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a hotel, and Denise was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Denise's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear? "Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Denise told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age?

How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

The policeman fainted.

AN OLD GEEZER

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is
also staying there. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to
her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She
agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind
at the home and get down to it.

The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be
made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and
asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and
goes for it.

After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it
just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him
that it must be the arthritis. He looks and her confused and states that
surely you can't get arthritis down there and even if you could it
wouldn't cause that smell.

She says "No it's the arthritis in my shoulder; I can't wipe my ass
properly!"

&&&

We lay upon the grassy bank,
my hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river.

 

[melody]

Denise's Grandma

Denise was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a hotel, and Denise was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Denise's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear? "Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Denise told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age?

How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

The policeman fainted.

AN OLD GEEZER

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is
also staying there. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to
her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She
agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind
at the home and get down to it.

The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be
made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and
asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and
goes for it.

After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it
just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him
that it must be the arthritis. He looks and her confused and states that
surely you can't get arthritis down there and even if you could it
wouldn't cause that smell.

She says "No it's the arthritis in my shoulder; I can't wipe my ass
properly!"

&&&

We lay upon the grassy bank,
my hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river.

 

[melody]

Dies And Goes To Heaven

On this particular day the husband has a bad feeling his wife is
cheating on him, so he decides to come home early. Sure enough as he
pulls up, there's a strange car out the front. He pushes the front door
open, when he hears his wife puffing and panting upstairs. So he bounds
up there. There on the bed is his wife with her legs wide open, unaware
of his presence and the window wide open. As the husband looks out he
sees a man running up the street doing his pants up.

He is so out raged that he picks up the nearest thing, which is the
wardrobe and throws it at the bloke running down the street. Well, the
bloke dies instantly, now the husband suddenly realizes the extent of
what he's done, has a heart attack and dies.

When he gets to the pearly gates of heaven, he meets two other men. He
turns to the first one and says, "How did you die?" "Well" says the
first one "I was late for work and I was running down the street still
half dressed and doing my pants up, when some cunt threw a fucking
wardrobe at me! How did you die?"

The husband replies "I was coming home from work early cause I knew my
wife was cheating on me, so I went up to our room and sure enough she
was spread eagled and he was running up the road doing his pants up so I
threw a wardrobe at him, had an attack of conscience and bloody died of
a heart attack!"

They both turn to the third guy and ask "How did you die?" the third one
replies "I was sleeping with some guys wife when the asshole husband
came home, so I hid in the wardrobe and some cunt threw it out the
window!

&&&

A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss...

When she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "when is the last time you've had sex?"

The old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.

He checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady, "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted"

 

[melody]

Happy Valentine's Day To Everyone!

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year.

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass

I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit

So heres my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!

***

Redneck's Valentine's Day Poem
that'll touch your heart-

Roses are red,
or are they blue?
Hell I don't know
but i do like you.

I love you more
than my truck's tires.
Yer more useful than my
old rusty pliers.

You cook a good deer
and fry a good egg,
just wish you'd shave that
hair off your legs.

If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face,
It's okay, I'll still feel the same,
I'll just keep on tellin my buddies,
yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes.

Yer my pride and joys,
What a lady!
But hows come we do it
only when it's my payday?

When I ran over ya with my truck,
you didn't even say "ouch."
And you are so cute,
when you wipe your boogers under the couch.

I hope we stay together,
at least a couple more days-
cuz i'm really horney
and I want to get laid.

Happy VD!!!!!

***

Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly.
Bend over Babe,
'Cause here comes my willy!

***

roses are red, pickles are green
I love your legs and whats between
I like your style I like your class
but most of all I like your ass

***

A guy gives his girlfriend a huge box of the finest
candy for Valentines day.

She looks at him and says "You shouldn't have".

He replies, "I know, but I figure what's one more
box of candy to a fat ass like yours".

 

[melody]

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine Slogans

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

**********

On Valentine's Day a drunk young man walked up to
an attractive girl and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal
question?"
"Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so
let's get it over with."
"Great. How many men have you had sex with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Cool! How much?"

**********

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his
girls house one afternoon and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys
a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the
flowers out to her. Instead to taking them she slides her panties off
from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says
"This is for the flowers." Paul looks at her and says " Oh come
now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

 

[melody]

Heights!!!

Height of Confusion: Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.
Height of Pain: A monkey sliding down a knife's edge using balls as his brakes.
Height of Honesty: A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one & a half ticket.
Height of Foolishness: A guy peeping thru' the keyhole of a glass door.
Height of Revenge: A bastard puncturing all the condoms in a contraceptive factory.
Height of Noise: Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.
Height of Itch: A fat man hanging (upside down) from a roof trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples thinking them as pimples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in prostitute's cunt.
Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
Height of Competition: A guy peeing against Niagara Falls.
Height of Bravery: A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgustion: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with zip

Sex Daffi-nitions

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Beaver Leaver or Vagina Decliner: A homosexual.

Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a
booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. E.g. one that
arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his
girlfriend.

Budgie's Tongue: or Small Man In A Boat. The female erection.

Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from
behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her
Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used
when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is one
hell of a lot different.

Hand-to-Gland Combat: A vigorous masturbation session.

Sperm Wail: A male verbal outburst during orgasm.

2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to
cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).

Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger: A lesbian.

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

 

[melody]

The Lounge Lizard

There's something about being on his stomach that makes everything your
man feels much more intense. Perhaps it's the increased blood flow caused by gravity.

~Here's What You Need ~

One webbed patio lounge chair
Two pillows
One roll of masking tape

~ Here's How You Do It ~

Adjust the back of the lounge chair so that it lays flat (if it won't go down all the way,
don't worry about it; we'll fix that in a second).
Place the pillows directly under the chair, lengthwise.
Pull the center-most straps apart and, using the masking tape, affix them to the
next-closest straps. This creates an opening in the chair about four or five inches wide.
Get your man naked. Have him lie in the chair on his stomach. If the chair is flat,
he can lie with his head in either direction. If the back of the chair is still at a bit
of an angle, have him lie with his head at the other end (his knees can easily
bend where the back of the chair starts to rise and his feet will rest where
one's head would normally go).
Your man's penis should now be dangling through the opening.
Get under the chair and lie on your back on top of the pillows. Position your mouth
directly under your man's penis. Grip the outermost edges of the chair and
pull yourself up and pleasure your man orally.

 

[melody]

Dies And Goes To Heaven

On this particular day the husband has a bad feeling his wife is
cheating on him, so he decides to come home early. Sure enough as he
pulls up, there's a strange car out the front. He pushes the front door
open, when he hears his wife puffing and panting upstairs. So he bounds
up there. There on the bed is his wife with her legs wide open, unaware
of his presence and the window wide open. As the husband looks out he
sees a man running up the street doing his pants up.

He is so out raged that he picks up the nearest thing, which is the
wardrobe and throws it at the bloke running down the street. Well, the
bloke dies instantly, now the husband suddenly realizes the extent of
what he's done, has a heart attack and dies.

When he gets to the pearly gates of heaven, he meets two other men. He
turns to the first one and says, "How did you die?" "Well" says the
first one "I was late for work and I was running down the street still
half dressed and doing my pants up, when some cunt threw a fucking
wardrobe at me! How did you die?"

The husband replies "I was coming home from work early cause I knew my
wife was cheating on me, so I went up to our room and sure enough she
was spread eagled and he was running up the road doing his pants up so I
threw a wardrobe at him, had an attack of conscience and bloody died of
a heart attack!"

They both turn to the third guy and ask "How did you die?" the third one
replies "I was sleeping with some guys wife when the asshole husband
came home, so I hid in the wardrobe and some cunt threw it out the
window!

&&&

A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss...

When she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "when is the last time you've had sex?"

The old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.

He checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady, "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted"

 

[melody]

Naughty Shorties

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked.

While he was sitting in the chair being examined,
the dentist said to him,
"Have you done oral sex lately?"

The man replied, "Why yes, I did this morning
actually. How could you tell?
Did you find a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?"

The dentist says, "No, not quite.
You've got some shit on the end of your nose!"

22222

Roses are red, violets are black, why's Yo mama's chest, as flat as her back?
Roses are red, Yo mom's lips are blue, she sucked off that Smurf and did me up too.
Roses are red, lemons are sour, how many dicks yo mama suck in one hour?
Roses are red, violets are yellow, that guy that just fucked Yo mama is a jolly good fellow.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I gave your mom a dollar and she fucked me too!
Roses are red, Yo mama's a witch, give her a quarter and she'll be your bitch.
Violets are blue, roses are red, please tell Yo mama that she gives some good head.
Roses are red, violets are gold, so get on your knees and do what you're told!
Roses are red, violets are whack, damn Yo mama smells like ass crack.
I don't mean to be mean, but Yo mama needs Listerine, not a sip, not a swallow, but the whole damn bottle.
This is a fact, Yo mama's breath is wack, she needs a Tic, not a Tac, but the whole damn pack.

22222

A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "I've been fucking the dog?"

 

[melody]

Quotes From The Perfect Woman:

1.) "I'll swallow it all...I just love the taste!"
2.) "Are you sure you've had enough beer?"
3.) "I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!"
4.) "Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!"
5.) "If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"
6.) "I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?"
7.) "You're so sexy when you're hung over."
8.) "I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping."
9.) "Let's subscribe to Hustler."
10.) "Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"
11.) "Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses."
12.) "I'll be out painting the house."
13.) "I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too."
14.) "Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!"
15.) "I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house."
16.) "No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed."
17.) "Your mother did a great job raising you."
18.) "Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs."
19.) "I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever."
20.) "Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?"
21.) "Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!" 22.) "Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8."
23.) "You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings."
24.) "That was a great fart! Do another one!"
25.) "I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya

 

[Supra_Fanatics]

Lolz! If only such girls do exist in this world and men would not have to die earlier than woman

Good one...but too bad is just a fantasy for us lolz!

 

[melody]

Tasteless Jokes

For the ladies out there......
Next time a man hits on you, just ask him if he wants to get laid.
If he says yes, just tell him to crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.

~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny is standing on a corner yanking off.
A cop comes along and says, "What are you doing, little boy?"
"Fuckin' nothing," replied Little Johnny.

~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do you get when you cross a brassiere with Texas?
A. Playtex.
Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin' off.
Q. What's female Viagra?
A. Jewelry
Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A. A love call.
Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.

~~~~~~~~~~

What defines a truly sensitive, 90's type guy?
He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he butt fucks her.

What do women and prawns have in common?
Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great

~~~~~~~~~~

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental
state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can
enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how
to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

~~~~~~~~~~

The other day I met this really attractive girl and after a few hours
and a quite a few drinks the topic turned to sexual fantasies.

"My fantasy," she said, "is to be fucked by 12 inches AND to bleed!"

Willing to oblige I took her home, fucked her three times and punched
her in the mouth.

 

[melody]

The Other Side Of The Coin

I am thankful...

For the teenager who is not doing dishes but is watching TV, because
that Means he is at home and not on the streets.

For the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed.

For the mess to clean after a party, because it means that I have been
surrounded by friends.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have
enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am out in the
sunshine.

For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters
that need fixing, because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means
that we have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because
it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with
transportation.

For my huge heating bill, because it means I am warm.

For the lady behind me in church that sings off key, because it means
that I can hear.

For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to
wear.

For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it
means I have been capable of working hard.

For the alarm that goes of in the early morning hours, because it means
that I am alive.

And finally.......

For too much e-mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking
of me. -)

I wish you all have a very good day!

=====

When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and tell them to fuck off.

=====

Three pregnant women are sitting chatting and knitting sweaters for their expected kids.
The first one says "I hope that I have a baby boy, because I'm knitting a blue sweater."
The second says " Well I hope that I have a girl because I'm knitting a pink sweater."
The third woman says "I hope my kid is a spastic, because I've fucked up the arms."

 

[melody]

Way Cool Ebonic Translations

"Luke, I'm your father."
Ebonics: "Hey boy, I's yo daddy."

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!"
Ebonics: "Later, bitch!"

"To be or not to be? That is the question."
Ebonics: "Is I is or is I ain't? Shiiit"

"I'll be back."
Ebonics: "I's a fixin' to bust a cap in yo ass."

"We're off to see the wizard."
Ebonics: "We's fixin' to see the hoodoo 'bout some voodoo."

"You've got to get mad! Stand up wherever you are, go to the
nearest window and yell as loud as you can: 'I'm mad as hell,
and I'm not going to take it anymore!'"
Ebonics: Fuuuuuck You!

"We're going to need a bigger boat."
Ebonics: You see da teeth on this mutha fucka? Turn this
piece-a-shit around and get my black ass back to shore!

"I am Spartacus."
Ebonics: "Who da fuck is Spartacus?"

&&&

As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to
school and finish grade five. This is Mike's Ebonics homework
vocabulary assignment. He must use each new word in a sentence.


1. Hotel
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate
My girlfriend say my dic tate good.

3. Catacomb
I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man, somebody get that
cat a comb.

4. Foreclose
If I pay alimony today, I got no money fore close.

5. Rectum
I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment
My parole officer tol' me if I miss dis appointment, they gonna send
me
back to the joint.

7. Penis
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel
Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say,
"Bullshit, that watch i srael".

9. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me a coustic and took me
to the pool hall.

11. Iraq
When we got to the pool hall, I tol' my uncle "i raq, you break."

12. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on
stain for dinner?"

13. Fortify
I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "forti fy."

14. Income
I just got in bed wif da ho and in come my wife.

 

[melody]

Q: What is the strongest muscle?
A: Tongue.... Because it can raise woman's hip with just one lick.

Q: The 69 position is like driving in rush hour, the asshole is always in front of you!

Q: Advantages of having an affair with a married woman.
A: They give like hell. They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there are no wedding bells!

Q: My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in Paradise. Why?
A: Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.

hhhhh

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The hot nurse
goes about taking the blood sample from his finger. After finishing,
she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood.
She can't find one, so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger,
and sucks it.
The guy is so heated up he asks; "Do you think I could also
get a urine test done?"

hhhhh

A guy rushes into the bar and tells the bartender, "The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend."
The bartender smiles and asks, "That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"
"Why should I be unhappy?" replies the guy, "They saved me a fortune ...both of them are pregnant!"

 

[melody]

Mr. And Mrs. Jones

Mrs. Jones had a feeling that her husband was cheating on
her so she got two of the kids from next door to spy
on him and see if he was cheating on her.

The two boys climbed up a tree and looked
onto Mrs. Jones's bedroom window and saw Mr.
Jones having sex with Miss Smith and went back and told
Mrs. Jones what they saw.

It happened three times in one week which upset Mrs. Jones,
so she filed for divorce.

While in court the judge asked if Mrs. Jones had any
witnesses, to which she replied, "Yes, two boys from next door."
The judge asked one of the boys to explain what he saw.

He said, "Judge, I climbed up in the tree and saw Miss Smith
and Mr. Jones take off all there clothes and started fuck-in."

With that the Judge got upset and said, "You can't use
that language in this court," and through him out.

When he asked the second boy to explain what he saw, he told
him to explain to him without using the bad language.

"Well, Judge," he said, "there was Mr. Jones and Miss Smith in the
bedroom, and they took off all their clothes.
There was ten toes up and ten toes down,
Two big asses going round and round,
Meat fly in and meat fly out,

If that ain't fuck-in you can kick me out!"

.....

Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her
home. While they were walking home he didn't say a
thing.

"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said
as they were undressing.

"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do
all my talking with this."

"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look.
"You don't have much to say, do you?"

.....

Q. What's the definition of a woman?
A. Life support for a vagina.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

 

[melody]

Politically Correct

Notification to all staff regarding language:
Due to the politically correct movement, employees of this store must change the language they use in the presence of customers. The following is a translation list for employee reference:
*No fucking way - I’m fairly sure that’s not feasible
*You’re fucking kidding - Really?
*Who the fuck are you - Hi, we haven’t met..
*Tell someone who gives a fuck - Have you run that by..
*No cunt told me - I wasn’t involved in that project
*You don’t know shit - You seem perplexed
*What the fuck do you want? - Hello, may I help you?
*She’s a ball-busting bitch - She’s assertive
*This place is fucked - We’re a bit disorganized today
*Stick it up your arse - No thanks
*You’re a fucking wanka - You are my supervisor and I respect you
*You fat fucking loser - Gee, that was unfortunate
*I don’t give a shit - I’ll certainly think it over

uuuuu

Mary had a little snatch,a teeny tiny hole.

Johnny couldn’t fit it in, his massive manly pole.

He greased her up, squirmed and shoved, and pinched her little tit,

But nothing seemed to work for him, the damn thing would not fit!

So Mary drank a lot of wine, and smoked a little grass,

And just as she was passing out, he shoved it up her ass!

uuuuu

Q. Why do women enjoy giving blow jobs?
A. They know it's about the only time that they can get anything
straight in their heads.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the
Profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who
had practically nothing on?
A. When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron.

Q. What do vampires use as snack crackers?
A. Scabs.

 

[melody]

Fakes Her Orgasms

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something
the majority of men would rather not question in case they
would discover she has been all along, and they are not in
fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather
a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be
patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but
would still like to know, here is a checklist to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the
moment it sounds as though she is about to have an
orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been
looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!"
she was faking it.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or
sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating
enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking
it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is:
stop at random and record her response. If every time
you stop she says "Mmmm, you were wonderful, baby"
she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she isn't.

However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after love-
making has finished, it is possible that she may have
fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==-=

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at "Lovers Cove"
where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going
pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he
would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.

"NO!" yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot
and the guy thought he would try again.

"NO!" the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy
even had her pants unzipped.

"Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?" asked the guy.

"For the last time, NO!" said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked,
"Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde looked at him and said, "Because I wanna stay up here with
you."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Tony,
and I am a S-N-A-G"

Another guy says, "What's that?"

Tony says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another guy says, "My name is Gary, and I am a D-I-N-K."

A girl at the bar asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A woman says, "That's nice. My name is Shirley, and I am a W-I-F-E."

Tony says, "A W-I-F-E? What's a W-I-F-E?"

She says, "Oh you know, that means, "Wash, Iron, Fu*k, Etc."

 

[melody]

10 LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually
in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under
the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
________

I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even
know I'm alive -- she thinks she got me
with her long range rifle, but she missed.

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
________

1. Man Who Stand On Toilet High On Pot.
2. Girl Who Sits On Judges Lap Get Horrible Discharge.
3. Man Who Has Penis In Peanut Jar Is Fu**ing Nuts.
4. Passionate Kiss Like Spider Web--Soon Lead To Undoing
Of Fly
5. Man Who Farts In Church Must Sit In Own Pew.
6. Man Who Eats Jelly Beans Farts In Color.