JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Sunning On A Nude Beach

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
______________________________

This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?" "No dear, but I think your grand father knows one." So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?" The grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap. "Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"
______________________________

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"
______________________________

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

 

[melody]

Period Euphemisms

Sometimes a more discreet euphemism for "being on your period" is preferable, such as...

Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara
Trolling for Vampires
A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
Saddling Old Rusty
Feelin' Menstru-riffic!
Clean-Up in Aisle One
Massacre at the Y
T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
Game Day for the Crimson Tide
Panty Shields Up, Captain!
Taking Carrie to the Prom
Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band
Ordering l'Omelette Rouge
Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp
Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System
Aunt Floe is visiting

&&&

It was Elroy's first day in second grade.

When he came home his mama asks him how school was...

"How was school my boy?"

"It was nice mama - the teacher asked me to draw a cat and when I
did she give me a gold star - is it because I am Black?"

"No Elroy - its because you are so clever"

Next day Elroy comes home and mama asks him how school was...

"How was school Elroy?"

"The teacher asked me to draw a dog - and when I did she gave me
a gold star - Is it because I am black?"

"No Elroy - it is because you are so clever"

Third day - Elroy comes home from school

"How was school Elroy?"

"Mama - I am confused, today we were changing for sports. All the
white boys have these little pee pees and I have this huge
schlong - is it because I am black?

"No Elroy - it is because you are twenty-one"

 

[melody]

Addicted To Cigars

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, re wrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."

aaaaa

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments,
"You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000."
said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!"
"Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"

aaaaa

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

 

[melody]

The Spittoon

A wino walked into a bar one day, and started begging for drinks.
One of the patrons tells him he'll buy the old sot a drink, but
first he has to take a drink from the spittoon over in the corner.
The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer, goes
over and picks up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and starts
chugging away.
The guy at the bar, who didn't really believe the wino would take
him up on his offer, is horrified. "Stop! Stop!" he yells, "I'll
buy you a drink now!"
But the wino keeps on drinking from the spittoon.
Again the guy at the bar calls out, "Stop! Put the spittoon down!
I'll buy you a drink!"
But the wino keeps on drinking. Finally, after about five minutes
he stops, and puts the spittoon down.
So they guy at the bar says, "Hey, didn't you hear me telling you
to stop? Why didn't you stop?"
"I couldn't," the wino replies, "it was all one string."

====================

A little poem:

Sing a song of syphilis,
A fanny full of crabs,
Four and twenty blackheads,
Twice as many scabs,

When the scabs pop open,
The heads began to sing,
Wasn't that a dirty cunt,
To stick your penis in.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit's Finger

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter

 

[melody]

A Hard Decision

An executive was stressed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."


Two co-workers are leaving the office. 'I can’t wait to get home,' says one of them. 'As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.' 'I know the feeling,' the other says. 'I've been working so much lately sometimes it feels like I'm not even married any longer.' 'No, I’m serious,' says the first. 'They’re killing me.'


Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache. "I've got a perfect cure for a headache," said his buddy Trevor. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails." A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trevor. "Yeah," said Phil, "Worked great! I had no idea how nice your house was, too!"

 

[melody]

"I've good news for you," said the psychiatrist. "You're a well man. It
won't be necessary for you to continue the analysis any longer."

"How wonderful, doctor," said the patient. "I'm so very pleased, I wish
there were something special I could do for you in return."

"Oh, that's not necessary. You've paid your bill and that's
all that's expected."

"But really, doctor, I'm so elated I could kiss you!"

"No, don't do that. Actually, we shouldn't even be lying here
on the couch together."

]]]]]

Boy & His Mom
A boy told his mom, "I couldn't sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?" His mom said, "Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him." The boy replied, "Oh then you're wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day."

]]]]]

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one
piece.

Q. How long does pubic hair stay on the toilet rim?
A. Until it gets pissed off.

Q. What do you call a camel with no humps?
A. Humphrey
Confucious Says
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

]]]]]

Aunt Rose was in the garden tending to her flowers when she
got about to pee. So she did and wiped off the dew on a rose.
Uncle Fred came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then
ran to phone the newspaper editor.
"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"
The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what
that smells like a rose, call me again."

]]]]]

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
it makes me wish birth control is retroactive.

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
she can't even bare the thought of fucking herself.

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
Rice Krispies won't talk to her.

Yo Mamma is so ugly,
she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off of it.
Yo Mamma is so ugly,
people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen.

 

[melody]

Sarcastic Remarks

> And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?
> Do I look like a fucking people person?
> This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
> I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
> I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
> Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.
> If I throw a stick will you leave??
> YOU!.... Off my planet!
> If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.
> Does your train of thought have a caboose?
> The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.
> Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
> Errors have been made, others will be blamed.
> Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.
> A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.
> Whatever look you were going for, you missed.
> Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .
> See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
> Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.
> I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.
> I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
> Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
> Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
> It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!
> A woman's favorite position is CEO
> I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
> A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
> Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
> I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
> Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
> Too many freaks not enough circuses.
> Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
> Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
> Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
> I plead contemporary insanity.
> And which dwarf are you?
> How do I set the laser printer to stun?

 

[melody]

THERE'S TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY!

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing
the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what
I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I
was trying to breathe.

 

[melody]

20 TYPES OF MEN YOU MAY MEET IN THE MEN'S URINAL

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is hung.

TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back
later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the
next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

===========

PENIS BRUSH

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously
scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste.

"What the heck do you think you're doing, young man!?" she exclaimed.

"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day,
because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as
my sister's."

 

[melody]

Pregnant Sheep

A new farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, shags them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the lorry again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep shagging and upon returning home, falls exhausted into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says,......
"they’re all in the lorry ... and one of them is beeping the horn."

=========

Humpty Dumpty sat on a bed
Little boo peep was giving him head
As soon as he came she started to weep
She knew from the taste he’d been fucking her sheep

=========

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her up the arse, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don’t watch the same movies.

 

[melody]

The TRUE Story Of Jack And Jill.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack pulled down his pants.
Jill said, "What's that?"
Jack said, "I don't know."
Jill pulled down her pants and
Jack said "EWE!! What's that?"
Jill said, "I don't know."
And then they went home.

Later on, Jill went to her mom
and pulled down her pants.
Jill said, "mommy, what is that?"
and her mom said,
"that's your garage,
never ever let a car park on your garage."
Jack went to his dad and pulled down his pants.
Jack said, "daddy, what's this?"
His dad said
"That's your car,
don't park a car in anyone's garage till you're older."

The next day Jack and Jill went up the hill again.
Jack pulled down his pants and Jill said,
"Ewe, what IS that?
Jack said, "That's my car,
I'm not supposed to park my car in anyone's garage."
Jill pulled down her pants and Jack said
"Ewe, what IS that?
Jill said, " that's my garage,
I'm not supposed to let any car park in my garage."
And then they went home.

Jill's mom saw Jill come in and asked
why she had blood all over her hands.
Jill says, "Jack tried to park his car
in my garage so I ripped off his back tires!!"

()()()()()

How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?
It's clogged up with paper plates.

Why did the blonde have to drink a hot Pepsi?
Because she couldn't fit any ice into the bottle.


This is a hole that never heals
The more you rub it the better it feels
And all the soap from here to hell
Can never get rid of that fucking smell

()()()()()

Two old age pensioners are having a 69.
After 5 minutes he says "Sorry luv the smell’s too bad down there - I can't carry on."
"That’ll be my arthritis" she says.
"What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before."
No she says "It’s in my arms and hands... and I can’t wipe me arse."

 

[melody]

The Womanizer

A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him,
until he betrayed the wrong woman-- a practicing witch.
The morning after she caught him with another girl,
he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead.
He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to
ridiculous proportions throughout the day.
In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician who examined
the man and ran tests on the strange tissue.
By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take
an oddly familiar shape.
"What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?"
"We've run every test we know to confirm the findings,"
he said gravely,
"but they all tell us the same thing.
The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."
"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?"
"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."
"I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"
"There's more," said the Doctor.
"You're going to experience vision problems."
"Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man.
"No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles
hanging in front of your eyes."

&&&

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the fucking bed

 

[melody]

"It's Dark In Here"

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her
husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The
boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover
are
in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

The following weekend, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.

Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold
them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,
"$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

o0o0o0

Q: What was the First Commandment?
A: "Adam, eat my pussy."

o0o0o0

My dog was just sitting in the middle of the lounge, licking his wanger, I couldn't believe it, I said to my wife, "I wish I could do that."
And she said, "Well he's pretty placid, if you give him a biscuit he'll probably let you!"

o0o0o0

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" He asks.
"Three nots," she replies.
"Three knots? What's that mean?"
"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

 

[melody]

A Blonde Moment

The Polish Blonde....
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her
mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $150 she
exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a
message to my mother in Poland!" The man arched an eyebrow and asked,
"Anything?" "Yes, anything!" the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room
and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said,
"Get on
your knees." She did. Then he said, 'Take down my zipper." She did.
He said, "Go ahead...take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold
of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered,
"Well....go ahead!" The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and
while holding it close to her lips she said loudly, "HELLO....MOM?"



A father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that, son, or
you'll go blind."
The kid says, "Pop, I'm over here."

Chinese words for pussy: Tongue chow
Chinese words for bad pussy: Tongue chow yuck

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. He'll shut up after you let him in.

Q: What do you call a woman without an ass?
A: Divorced.

Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young
woman doesn't?
A: A navel.

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

There was a young maid from Belfast
Who had trouble getting it past
The warts and the scabs
That she got from the lads
Who wiped their tools on her arse.

 

[melody]

Snow White Was Sleepy

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.

Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.

Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods, so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too.

&&&

Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do push ups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lazed around doing nothing. One day, one of the sperm questioned Stanley and asked why he exercised all day.

Stanley explained, "Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant, and when the right time comes, I'm gonna be that one sperm!"

A few days later, all the sperm could feel themselves getting hotter and hotter. They knew the big swim was imminent. Moments later, they were released abruptly and, sure enough, Stanley was swimming far ahead of all the others.

Suddenly, Stanley stopped in his tracks, turned around, and began to swim back with all his might. "Go back! Go back!" he hollered, "It's a blow job!"

 

[melody]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to
use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says,
"You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
_____

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
_____

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling
around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the
world to revolve around him.

OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen
to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because they think we care.

Q: What's the definition of a modern woman?
A: One who dresses to kill and drives the same way.

 

[melody]

The Straggly Cat

One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took
her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet
decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when
we could come and get her.

My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she
stinks."
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El
Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.

The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located
next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to
see the Doctor.
The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby,
"Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean.
She now smells like a rose.
And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is"

&&&

A sailor who has been at sea for several months comes into port
and heads for a brothel. He tells the man at the desk he'd like
some sex, but he doesn't have much money.

The man tells him a girl will cost him $40 and a sex show $20.
The sailor is desperate as he only has $5, having lost most of
his money in cards games aboard ship. "You've got to help me out
I've been at sea for months and I really need some sex. You've
got to do something for me. Please!"

The man thinks for a moment, takes the money, and directs the
sailor to one of the upstairs rooms. Once inside the room the
sailor looks around but the only thing he sees is a chicken.
Desperate for some action, he resigns himself to fuck the chicken
and quickly leaves.

Two weeks later, he returns, this time having won a few bucks on
ship. "What do you have for $20," he asks. The man directs him
upstairs once again to a different room.

Opening the door, the room is packed with men shoulder to
shoulder all watching lesbians through a one-way mirror on the
wall. The sailor's eyes light up as he watches and remarking to
a man standing next to him, "This is great."

The man replies, "If you think this is great, you should have
been here 2 weeks ago. There was a guy fucking a chicken!"

 

[melody]

Filthy Q's & A's

Q. What's the best thing about eating cherry pie, but the worst thing about eating hair pie?
A. The crust.
Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
A. He did okay until his business fell off.
Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.
Q. How to you make a cat go "woof?"
A. Douse it in gasoline, light a match, and "woooof!"
Q. How do you make a dog go "meow?"
A. Put it in a deep freeze for 5 days, take it out, put a circular saw to it: "meeeeeeoooowwwww."
Q. What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A pit bull on a playground.
Q. Why does a rancher fuck a goat at the end of a cliff?
A. So the goat will push back.
Q. What's the definition of disgusting?
A. Stuffing a dozen oysters into your granny's cunt and sucking out thirteen.
Q. What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
A. Getting her out of the wheelchair!
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they`re driving.
Q. What`s the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.
Q. How can you tell if you have a bad overbite?
A. You eat pussy and it tastes like shit.
Q. What do you call six lepers in a hot tub?
A. Porridge.
Q. Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.
Q. What's grosser than eating your grandmother's pussy?
A. Banging your head on the coffin lid after you're done.
Q. Hear about Kentucky-Freud Chicken?
A. It's mother-fucking good!
Q. How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Silly, sorority girls don't screw in light bulbs -- they screw in pools of vomit!
Q. What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave oven won't brown your meat!

 

[melody]

Confession

A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.

"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes father," she says sometime later.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he has Herpes."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

&&&

Did you hear about the gay guy who wears a nicotine patch on his
penis?
He's down to about three butts a day!

SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q. Why was the nearsighted fly starving?
A. He couldn't see shit.

 

[melody]

Getting Dull

A couple has been ****** for three months, and the sex is getting dull.

One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.

She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."

He lies on top of her, with the shit oozing between them, and she gives him the wildest hump he's ever had.

The next time they're lying in bed, it's boring and she asks him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have another incredible lay.

As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates, because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the sex is.

One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't wheedle down his legs at the office.

That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then llbbt!...a little fart...but nothing of any substance. For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly he hears her crying.

He says, "Honey, what's wrong?"

She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you???"

§«~*~» *~»§

One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.

I went to the address and requested Sally.

She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."
After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."

She said, "Get off for a moment."

I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.

"Try it now." she said.

I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.

When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"

"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."