JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

http://img188.imageshack.us/img188/9119/img108863399.gif

The Twelve Days of Christmas:

DAY 1

Dearest Mike:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge
in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I know we only
met 4 months ago but I couldn't be happier with anyone else.
Thank you again for the wonderful gift.
With all my love and devotion,
Cindy



DAY 2

Dearest Mike:
Today the postman brought you're very sweet gift. Just imagine.
Two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at how sweet you are. I love you so much. The doves are so adorable. Thank you. Can't wait until I see you.
All my love,
Cindy



DAY 3

Dearest Darling Mike:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest.
I don't deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just great but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Cindy



DAY 4

Dear Mike:
You are so romantic! 4 calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? I love everything but I'm running out of room for all these birds.
Love,
Cindy



DAY 5

Dearest Mike:
Oh my God! The postman delivered 5 gold rings today.
One for every finger. I love the rings. Thank you darling. I hope I don't hurt your feelings but all these birds and their squawking is beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Cindy



DAY 6

Dear Mike:
When I opened the door there were actually 6
geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds
again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? I told you before the
other birds were starting to get to me. I'm not
getting any sleep because of all the racket and my neighbors are
complaining.
Please Mike, no more birds.
Cordially,
Cindy



DAY 7

Mike:
What's with you and these fucking birds? 7
swans-a-swimming?
Is this a joke? There's bird shit ALL over the
house, and they never stop with the racket. I asked you no more birds please!!
I can't sleep and I'm a nervous wreck. This isn't
fun any more!!
So stop with the fucking birds!
Thank you.
From,
Cindy



DAY 8

Okay Buster:
The birds were bad, but what in the hell am I going to do with
8 maids-a-milking? They even have their own cows.
There is shit all over the lawn, I can't move in my own home. This is it.
It's over between us. I'm sorry Mike. Please lay off
me and leave me alone. Cindy



DAY 9

Hey! Shithead,
Are you fucking stupid? 9 pipers playing their bells
from hell!
They haven't stopped chasing the maids since they got here. The
cows are upset and are stepping on the screeching birds. My
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. God
Dammit Mike!
Stop it! WE ARE OVER, REMEMBER? I'm getting pissed. You'll get yours! Cindy



DAY 10

You rotten prick,
Now there's 10 fucking ladies dancing. I don't know
why I call the sluts ladies, they've been fucking the pipers
all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they have diarrhea. My
living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to show cause why this house shouldn't be
condemned. You must have DUMB FUCK across your
forehead. I'm calling the fucking cops on you!
ONE MAD AS HELL BITCH



DAY 11

Listen fuck-for-brains,
What's with the 11 lords-a-leaping on the maids and ladies.
Some of those broads will never walk again. The pipers are
now committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 of the
birds are dead, they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are
fucking happy you rotten, vicious piece of shit!
Cindy



Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Cajole
555 NW 1st Avenue
Miami, FL 33138

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12
fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Ms. Cindy Clark.
The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention. If you should ATTEMPT to reach Miss Smith at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to SHOOT you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for
your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cajole
A Division of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe

 

[melody]

Letters To Santa

Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

-----

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask
for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

-----

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door
in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

-----

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

-----

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa

-----

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

-----
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you
do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

-----
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

-----

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into
our home?
Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

 

[melody]

The night before XXXmas

Twas the night befor Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

http://img684.imageshack.us/img684/8063/img134017442.gif to aLL..

http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/4387/img234162484.gifmel

 

[melody]

Christmas Song

Dildos and corsets and Chainmail Bikinis
Black Leather cages you lock on your weenies
Fetish and fashion and pierced nipple rings
These are a few of my favorite things ...

When the lash bites
When the crop stings
When it hits the Spot
I simply remember my favorite things
And it makes me feel ... so hot!!

Wrist cuffs and collars and straps of black leather
Chrome chains and Padlocks to hold them together
Tease whips and gags sort the girls from the boys
These are a few of my favorite toys ...

Nip Clips and Clit clips and Ball gags and Blindfolds
Dildos and butt plugs to stop up your assholes
Enema pipes and some new "KY" gel
All delivered in brown paper, so the neighbors can't tell ...

Bottle green panties like the girls wore in school
A brief French maids outfit to make your mouth drool
Black halter tops and a PVC skirt
And a long leather whip ... Oh yes, that will hurt!!

Floggers and paddles and crops of black leather
Rubber and latex are fun in all weather
Canes of rattan that deliver a sting
All these and more are my favorite things!!!

When the lash bites
When the crop stings
When it hits the Spot
I simply remember my favorite things
And it makes me feel ... so hot!!

http://img706.imageshack.us/img706/2892/img498509765.gif to aLL..
mel

 

[melody]

Santa's Problems

I have been watching you very closely to see if you
have been good this year and since you have I will be
telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave
under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you
all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a
little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD
from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords
leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the
9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird
things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese
a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle
doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to
my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through
menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
have joined the gay liberation and some people who
can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the
5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together
and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest
you get your asses down to Walmart
before everything is gone.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus

http://img710.imageshack.us/img710/2899/img195320364.gif to aLL..
http://img195.imageshack.us/img195/2350/tnchristmas115356292.gifmel

 

[melody]

Why Santa Can't Possibly Be A Man

a. Men can't pack a bag
b. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
c. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen
with all those elves
d. Men don't answer their mail
e. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
just as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly"
f. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them
g. Having to do the Ho-Ho-Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women
h. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

@@@

Roses are Redish, Violets are Bluesh.
If it wasn't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?
He was waiting for the snow blower!

@@@

Top 10 Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and
handling.

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam
peanuts.

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard
and I'll put the hurt on you."

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/3985/img44592574.gif to aLL..
http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/413/download4694766.jpgmel

 

[melody]

Another Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and so stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my computer and me.
I won't race to the window, to see him arrive.
I'll just sit right here...with windows ninety-five.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As, I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, " I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me.....she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He was always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her , to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got really good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said only...on this night, she could be found
It is only...this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off...and i had to pause.
I think I just cybered with Mrs. Santa Claus!

http://img44.imageshack.us/img44/2904/img548052058.gif to aLL..

http://img696.imageshack.us/img696/1803/download8058956.jpgmel

 

[melody]

The Fucking Night Before Christmas, Dammit!

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"

@@@

Xmas Carols for the Alternative Sexual Lifestyle:

Little Hummer Boy

A Lay In A Manger

Oh, Cum All Ye Faithful

I Came Upon A Midnight Queer

Here Cums Santa Claus

I'm Creaming On A White Christmas

You Boff The Red-nosed Vain Queer

Oh, Hole-y Night

Santa Claus Is Cumming, You Clown

Frosty The Blow Man

 

[melody]

The Top 15 Reindeer Games

15. Strip poker with Santa's granddaughter

14. Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass

13. Spin the Salt Lick

12. Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers

11. Moose or Dare

10. Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends

9. Bait-and-Shoot Elmo

8. The Annual Turn-Frosty- Yellow-from- 50-Paces Contest

7. Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot

6. Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"

5. Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass

4. Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen

3. Elf Tossing

2. Sniff the Tail on the Donkey

and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...

1. The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game



Things Santa Shouldn't Say To The Girls

1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

 

[melody]

National Condom Week
List of possible slogans promoting national condom week

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go in heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her blouse, zip up your hose
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love
22. If you're gonna have it off, have it on

@@@

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands
stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.
At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."

 

[melody]

Reasons To Be A Single Man

Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those"
pants.

I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.

I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".

I'd be painting the town instead of the house.

When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

I could show my girlfriend where I live.

I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.

The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.

I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.

I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.

I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.

You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every
day of the week!

Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.

Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.

I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.

I could come home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.

I could use my own name at hotels.

I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go
somewhere.

When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!"

@@@

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

 

[melody]

At the card shop a woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

00000

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her f#cking husband!"

00000

My nookie days are over;
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal;
Is now my water spout.

Time was when of its own accord;
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I have a full time job;
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing;
The way it would behave.
For every single morning;
It would stand and watch me shave.

As old age approaches;
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its withered head;
And watch me tie my shoes.

00000

What's the difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker?

The nympho says "You're done already?"
The hooker says "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige

00000

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get
naked, and start fingering themselves and each other. After a few
minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they
measure the slimy outline she leaves. The second one then squats on the
table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even
bigger. The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up,
the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline." She says, "Smell
the rim."

 

[melody]

Manliness Test

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No big concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time.
C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Scoring Guide:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you
really are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a
little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!"

 

[melody]

Giggled And Smiled

When I asked her to the prom...She just looked at me, giggled and
smiled. When I asked her to dance...She just looked at me, giggled
and smiled. When I asked her to move in with me...She just looked at
me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to kiss me...She just looked
at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to make love to me...She
just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked for her hand in
marriage...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her
to bear my children...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
That's when I realized she was a Retard.

==========

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms
when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the
chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children;
so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family.
He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the
same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.

==========

A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with this
whore for a couple of hours. He really had NO clue, and when she sat
down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?"
He looks at her and says, "No" and then she lies down on the bed and
starts rubbing her breasts and moaning she says, "do you know what
I want?" And he says, "No" So then she spreads her legs *wide open* and
starts fingering herself and says, "NOW do you know what I want?" And
he says, "Yeah - you want the whole fucking bed to yourself!"

 

[melody]

Out Of The Mouths Of Men.....

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

[melody]

Ever Wonder What Your Partner Is Really Saying?

Here is what they say, and what it really means:

Did you come? == Because I didn't.
I have something to tell you. == Get tested.
I'm a Romantic. == I'm poor.
I'll give you a call. == I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild
dogs than see you again.
Trust me. == I'm cheating on you.
I love you. == You're a good lay.
I think we should just be friends. == You're ugly.
Haven't I seen you before? == Nice ass.
I want to make love to you. == Let's fuck.
Was it good for you? == I'm insecure about my manhood.
We need to talk. == I'm pregnant.
I had a wonderful time last night. == Who the hell are you?
I've been thinking a lot. == You're not as attractive as when I was
drunk.
I've learned a lot from you. == Next!
I want a commitment. == I'm sick of my dildo.
I think we should see other people. == I have been seeing other people.
Let's get married. == Now can we fuck?
We don't have to do anything until you are ready. == Put out or get
out.
I feel it's time to express our love for each other. == Give me head.
I still think about you. == I miss the sex.
Is there something wrong? == Is it supposed to be this soft?
You're so mature. == I hope you're eighteen.
Yes...Yes...*scream!* == Aren't you done yet?

 

[melody]

Bumper Snickers

*Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
*This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a
moron.
*This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..
*Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
*Faster than a speeding ticket!
*Adults are just kids with money.
*T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
*You are right where you belong, behind me!
*They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a bus
hit mine.
*Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
*Do unto others before they do unto you.
*Was today really necessary?
*In theory, everything works.
*Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
*Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
*Your lucky color has faded.
*Too many freaks, not enough circuses!
*A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
*The more I learn, the less I understand.
*Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?

 

[melody]

Mommy, Mommy! Sally won't come skipping with me.
Shut up! You know it makes her stumps bleed.
Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.

Mommy, Mommy! What are you doing with that axe . . .

Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?
Yes Johnny I'll take you in a minute
Can Granny take me?
Why?
Her hand shakes.

Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear. Billy! Let go of her ear! All right Billy, give me the ear.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spaghetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.

Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?
Shut up and eat your hot dog!

Mommy, Mommy! What's a lesbian?
Go ask Daddy, she'll know.

Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want lemonade!
Shut up and lift my skirt!

"Mommy, mommy I hate sister's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!"

"Mommy, mommy can I lick the bowl?"
"No. Flush it!"

"Mommy, mommy, why am I walking around in circles?"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"

"Mommy, mommy, can I have cookies?"
"OK, but wash your hands first."
"But mommy, I don't have hands!"
"No hands, no cookies!"

"Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?"
"Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet."

"Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?"
"Shut up and kiss me!"

"Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy so big?"
"Shut up and open wider."

"Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy moaning?"
"Shut up and suck harder."

"Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise."
"Shut up and eat around it!"

"Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?"
"Not today, we already dug her up three times this week."

"Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?"
"Shut up and eat your cornflakes!"

"Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?"
"Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!"

"Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?"
"Shut up and keep digging."

"Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa."
"Well, just push him to the side of the plate and eat your beans."

"Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!"
"Well throw some more gasoline on him then."

"Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?"
"Shut up son, you'll wake your father."

"Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!"
"Shut up and keep digging."

"Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper!"
"Shut up or I'll grind your other hand."

"Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?"
"Shut up and eat your soup before it clots."

"Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!"
"Shut up, we only have it once a month."

"Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?"
"Shut up and keep licking."

"Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?"
"Shut up, you know that grandma's leg isn't infected anymore."

"Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?"
"Shut up and get back in the sack!"

"Mommy, Mommy! Why do they call me spastic at school?"
"Shut up and take your feet out of your pockets."

"Daddy, Daddy! What is queer?"
"Shut up and unhook my bra."

 

[melody]

Halloween "Scary" Riddle Jokes

Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
He turns into a bat every night.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather?
"Would you like another piece?"

What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant?
He had two waiters and a busboy.

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
I'm bone to be wild.

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray.

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin.

What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and deady.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand witch.

What do you do with a green monster?
Wait until it ripens.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
A sour-puss.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.

What game do ghost like to play?
Peek-a-Boo.

What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!"
A monster laughing his head off

What instrument do skeletons play?
Trom-BONE.

What is a ghost's favorite desert?
Iced Screams.

What is a ghost's favorite oatmeal?
SCREAM of Wheat.
What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving.

What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
His other fang.

What is Dracula's favorite kind of dog?
A blood hound.

What is the tallest building in Transylvania?
The Vampire State Building.

What kind of key opens a casket?
A skeleton key

 

[melody]

Giving Birth

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents Her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

@@@

It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"