JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A Car Accident

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

@@@

A study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is post-menstrual she may be attracted to plain facial features.

When pre-menstrual she can be attracted to more feminine features in a man.

If she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a pair of scissors shoved in his temple.

 

[melody]

A woman walks into the doctors office with a huge boil on her arse.

The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He says this is too big a job for me so he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with puss and says "this is no problem" and he proceeds to press his lips to her arse and sucks out the pus and core of the boil.

Halfway through, the woman drops a mammoth fart. Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says "You know lady, its people like you that make this job fucking disgusting."

';';'

Q. What does it mean when a hillbilly girl has cum running out of both
sides of her mouth?
A. The trailer is level

My fathers BEST ADVIcE ...Son Don't marry a woman with big hands... It makes your pecker look smaller... Brings tears to your eyes don't it..

A couple is making out in the movies.
She says, "Harry, I think I just swallowed your gum."
He says, "No, I was just clearing my throat."

';';'

A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.

He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?"

She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."

';';'

Holy mother, full of grace Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.

 

[melody]

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and
walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want
a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more
wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infinities
and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is
yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe
on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front
of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an
ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that
they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped
balloons, and... my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the
Hindenberg!" My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket!
She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one
positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
He never heard the shot.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The husband was angry when he found out that his wife
had been cheating on him.

He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"

The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute
you are lucky you are still in the band!"

 

[melody]

The Farmers Daughter

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.
The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

';';'

Writing I saw on my bathroom wall:
I fuck her low,
I fuck her high,
I fuck her wet, I fuck her dry,
And when she's dead and long forgotten,
I'll dig her up, and fuck her rotten!

';';'

Q: What's the main difference between mayonnaise and semen?
A: Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles per hour.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A: The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

';';'

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."

 

[melody]

Yo Mama ....?

*Yo momma like Santa Claus! Ho! Ho! Ho!
*Yo momma like a squirrel, always got nuts in her mouth!
* Yo momma like a hardware store, 5 cents a screw!
* Yo momma like a pool table, give 5 cents and she'll rack your balls!
*Yo momma like a race car, burns four rubbers a day!
* Yo momma like a vacuem cleaner, sucks, blows, and doesn't use condoms!
* Yo momma so ugly that when she looked out the window she was arrested for mooning!
* Yo mama reminds me of a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.
*Yo mama's blind and seeing another man.
* Yo mama's glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map, she can see people waving at her.
*Yo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
*Yo mama's glasses are so thick, she can burn ants with them.
*Yo mama applied for a job at a strip club but they already had a stage.
*Yo mama's glasses are so thick, a blind person could see with them.
*Yo mama's nostrils are so huge she makes Patrick Ewing jealous.
* Yo mama lost at Hide N' Seek when I spotted her behind the Himalayas.
* Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she has to look up to tie her shoes.
* Yo mama fell down on the sidewalk and by the time she got back up she made $1.50.
*Yo mama's cookin' is so bad, even the roaches say "Naw man, I ate before I came over."
*Yo mama and daddy are so fat, when they were going to have sex, they saw each others rolls, got hungry, and went to Denny's instead.
*Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she has to wear goggles to wash dishes.
*Yo mama's pussy is so dry, sand crabs cary canteens.
*Yo mama's pussy is so cold, my tongue gets stuck to it whenever I lick it.
*Yo mama's pussy is so stank, you can't eat it without a lifeguard on duty.
*Yo mama's so bucktoothed, she can eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence.
*Yo mama sucks so much dick, she sells her spit to the sperm bank.
*Yo mama sucks so much dick, her lips went double platinum.
* Yo mama sucks so much, a black hole would be embarrased.
*Yo mama got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job.
*Yo mama sucks dick so hard, I had to pull the sheets out of my ass.
*Yo mama's such a cold bitch, her tits give soft serve ice cream.
*Yo mama's so crusty, she shits loafs.

 

[melody]

You Might Be a Redneck If......
(2002 Edition)

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a
fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor
to spare a loved one.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.
10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
11. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
14. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
15. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
16. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
17. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
18. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
19. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
20. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
21. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
22. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
23. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
24. You have a rag for a gas cap.
25. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas
dinner.
26. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
27. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
28. You can spit without opening your mouth.
29. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
30. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
31. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer
quota.
32. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip
on the side.
33. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
34. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
35. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
36. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
37. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
38. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always
brings you home.
39. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
improvement.
40. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
41. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
42. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
43. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
44. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you
take them out to see what it is.

 

[melody]

Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane

*You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
*The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
*The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
*There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
*You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
*It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
*The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
*There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
*You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
*Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
*You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
*You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
*Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
*A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
*There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
*You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
*The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
*A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
*You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
*The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
*You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
*People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
*Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
*You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
*You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
*You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
*You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

 

[melody]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

'''''

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
A: A 40ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

Husband: Ohhh, you are wonderfully tight tonight darling!
Wife: Get that big hairy thing out of my navel!

Q: What are invisible and smell like dog food?
A: Old people's farts.

Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits!

Q: How do you know when your getting old?
A: You dreams are dry & you farts are wet.

Q: How do you piss your girlfriend of when your having sex?
A: You phone her up.

'''''

A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the
movies when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes
between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat.
She says, "That's it! That's it!"
He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side."

'''''

John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I
have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their
mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

 

[melody]

Dictionary Of Obscure Sexual Terms

Hummer
The well known added variation to a blowjob in which a broad hums her favorite tune while she sucks away. The vibrations felt against your dick will most definitely produce a healthy orgasm.

The Hunter Gatherer
You and your partner defecate while 69ing. Pretty much self-explanatory.

The Indian Cock Burn
While a chick sucks you off, she twists her hand around your shaft as if she was trying to give you an Indian burn.

The Jedi Mind Trick
When banging your partner, you repeatedly shout "I'm NOT fucking you, I'm NOT fucking you".

The Jelly Donut
Give some skank a facial and follow it up with a swift pimp crack in the nose. The resulting blood and jizz that covers her face bears a resemblance to a jelly donut.

The Juanita Special Bean Dip
While your tramp rides you like a mechanical bull, insert your thumb into her poop chute (be sure to get your thumb nice and gooey), then stick your brown thumb into her mouth, and slip it under her tongue so she can get the full robust taste of the Juanita "special" bean dip.

Kennebunkport Surprise
The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England clam chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners legs while eating her out.

Kick-Fucking
The act of receiving sexual pleasure from repeatedly getting kicked in the ass.

The Landshark
The woman braces herself facing a wall, naked, hands against the wall, legs spread, bent over so that her ass is lusciously jutting out. (hint: She might want to wear a biking helmet and some rollerblading wrist guards to avoid serious injury.) Next, the guy also naked as well as stiff cocked, walks to the opposite end of the room, places his palms together and raises them above his head, (thus imitating the dorsal fin of a shark) and begins chanting the theme to Jaws. When given some predetermined signal, the guy sprints toward the girl at full speed with his pelvis-out, fin protruding, and rams her dead square in the ass.

The Lorena Bobbit
Obviously, this one is for the ladies. When engaging in some hard core booty sex, squeeze your butt cheeks together as tight as you can, and start violently jumping and thrashing your ass around, in an effort to rip his dick off. (To reach true Lorena status, you must take the severed dick for a drive and then toss it out the window.)

The Menthol
The act of getting head from a woman who just moments earlier ate a numerous amounts of cough drops, thus insuring a pleasurable, tingly feeling on your cock.

The Mellon Dive
Headbutting a woman's big fat titties. Always lots of fun.

Monkey Wrench
When some sadistic bitch takes your dick back between your legs and sucks you off.

 

[melody]

Pick-Up Lines

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to
plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go
screw.

3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to
be.

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and
going....

9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd
be coming too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you
treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone
beat me to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to
"tinker" around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb
-diggity.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be
McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed
Thrasher, have you seen one?

17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride
you all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all
night long.

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep
until the afternoon.

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

22. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost
mine.

23. I look good on you.

24. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

========

A man stumbled into a bar and said to the bartender, “Wow, was I drunk last night.”

The Bartender said, “You sure were.”

The man then said, “I gotta tell you what happened. Walking home I found a woman tied to the train tracks. So I took her home and we had sex. First I was on top. Then she was on top, and for hours we had sex in every position you can think of. It was unbelievable.”

The bartender was amazed. “Sounds like you had a great time. What did she look like?”

The man thought a moment. “I really don’t know. I never found the head.

 

[melody]

Her Body Hurts

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that
her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible! " says the doctor.
"Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,
then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes
her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she
says,"I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken.

()()()()()

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they had found, the first little boy
called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said
the little boy. "Well, I can see that," the teacher said, "but what is
so exciting about a period?"

"Danged if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning, my sister
was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man
next door shot himself."

()()()()()

Q: What has 80 balls and fucks little old ladies?
A: Bingo.

Q: What did the cock say to the rubber?
A: Cover me - I'm goin' in!

Q: What's the most sensitive part of your body when your having a wank?
A: Your ears listening for footsteps.

 

[melody]

Women's test
I'm Not Bitter Quiz-o-Rama
Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible.

1) A woman's place is in the:
a) House (or Senate)
b) Bedroom
c) Office
d) Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails
out and leave it as food for wild jackals

2) When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
a) "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
b) "Material Girl"
c) "I Touch Myself"
d) Theme from "Psycho"

3) The perfect Christmas gift is:
a) Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
b) Flowers, a back rub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet
c) Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
d) Whips, knives and red-hot irons

4) A woman's hairstyle should:
a) Gently accentuate her best features
b) Not resemble a poodle
c) Hide the lobotomy scars
d) Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal
the demon-horns

5) My personal role-model is:
a) Hillary Clinton
b) Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
c) Daisy Duke
d) Lorena Bobbit

6) When it comes to cars, I:
a) Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly.
b) [giggle] What's oil?
c) Think fuzzy dice are cool !
d) Want a Mercedes... NOW!

7) If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:
a) Family
b) Pet rock
c) Therapist
d) Furniture

8) I have a subscription to:
a) Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal
b) Analog and Rolling Stone
c) National Enquirer and T.V. Guide
d) Weekly Reader

9) I want to have ___ children.
a) Any number, as long as they are healthy
b) Some
c) Your
d) Well-dressed

10) My list of favorite authors include:
a) William Shakespeare
b) Maya Angelou
c) Chairman Mao
d) Marquis DeSade

11) A romantic evening is best spent:
a) Before a roaring fire
b) Having a candle-lit dinner
c) Country line dancing
d) Shopping

12) I want to date a(n):
a) Lawyer
b) Engineer
c) Crew-chief at the local JiffyLube
d) Anyone who owns a shoe store

13) I really admire:
a) My parents, for bringing me up right
b) My teachers, for teaching me about life
c) The makers of Velveeta
d) Zsa Zsa Gabor

14) What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
a) Massive chest
b) Tight buns
c) Tattoo collection
d) Credit cards

15) What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:
a) Sparkling wit
b) Open mind
c) Deep understanding of power tools
d) Huh?

16) I really get turned on when you:
a) Are with me
b) Kiss my neck
c) Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head
d) Do the dishes

17) I can't live without:
a) The support of friends
b) Oxygen
c) Entertainment Tonight
d) Makeup

18) If you were really depressed, I would:
a) Listen to your problems
b) Rub your back
c) Get you drunk
d) Laugh

19) My favorite television programs are:
a) NYPD Blue and Home Improvement
b) MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek:TNG
c) This Week In Monster Truck Racing and AmericaUs Most Wanted
d) Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual

20) My favorite pig out food is:
a) Low-fat yogurt
b) Haagen Daz
c) Gummi worms
d) A man's still quivering heart

21) A man should know where I keep my:
a) House keys
b) Erogenous zones
c) Ear-wax remover
d) Guns

22) I would rather die a slow painful death than:
a) Betray a confidence
b) Betray my country
c) Miss "Wheel of Fortune"
d) Spend one more minute with you

23) The most hellish,vile place on Earth is:
a) Bosnia-Herzegovina
b) Texas
c) Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable
d) Your bedroom

24) The one phrase I would love to hear is:
a) "Congratulations, Madame President"
b) "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"
c) "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!"
d) "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in
the first place."

25) If a man was to propose to me, I would:
a) Cry
b) Call my mother
c) Be pregnant
d) Giggle uncontrollably

Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the
Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur"

Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.

 

[melody]

Women's test
I'm Not Bitter Quiz-o-Rama
Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible.

1) A woman's place is in the:
a) House (or Senate)
b) Bedroom
c) Office
d) Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails
out and leave it as food for wild jackals

2) When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
a) "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
b) "Material Girl"
c) "I Touch Myself"
d) Theme from "Psycho"

3) The perfect Christmas gift is:
a) Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
b) Flowers, a back rub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet
c) Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
d) Whips, knives and red-hot irons

4) A woman's hairstyle should:
a) Gently accentuate her best features
b) Not resemble a poodle
c) Hide the lobotomy scars
d) Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal
the demon-horns

5) My personal role-model is:
a) Hillary Clinton
b) Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
c) Daisy Duke
d) Lorena Bobbit

6) When it comes to cars, I:
a) Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly.
b) [giggle] What's oil?
c) Think fuzzy dice are cool !
d) Want a Mercedes... NOW!

7) If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:
a) Family
b) Pet rock
c) Therapist
d) Furniture

8) I have a subscription to:
a) Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal
b) Analog and Rolling Stone
c) National Enquirer and T.V. Guide
d) Weekly Reader

9) I want to have ___ children.
a) Any number, as long as they are healthy
b) Some
c) Your
d) Well-dressed

10) My list of favorite authors include:
a) William Shakespeare
b) Maya Angelou
c) Chairman Mao
d) Marquis DeSade

11) A romantic evening is best spent:
a) Before a roaring fire
b) Having a candle-lit dinner
c) Country line dancing
d) Shopping

12) I want to date a(n):
a) Lawyer
b) Engineer
c) Crew-chief at the local JiffyLube
d) Anyone who owns a shoe store

13) I really admire:
a) My parents, for bringing me up right
b) My teachers, for teaching me about life
c) The makers of Velveeta
d) Zsa Zsa Gabor

14) What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
a) Massive chest
b) Tight buns
c) Tattoo collection
d) Credit cards

15) What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:
a) Sparkling wit
b) Open mind
c) Deep understanding of power tools
d) Huh?

16) I really get turned on when you:
a) Are with me
b) Kiss my neck
c) Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head
d) Do the dishes

17) I can't live without:
a) The support of friends
b) Oxygen
c) Entertainment Tonight
d) Makeup

18) If you were really depressed, I would:
a) Listen to your problems
b) Rub your back
c) Get you drunk
d) Laugh

19) My favorite television programs are:
a) NYPD Blue and Home Improvement
b) MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek:TNG
c) This Week In Monster Truck Racing and AmericaUs Most Wanted
d) Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual

20) My favorite pig out food is:
a) Low-fat yogurt
b) Haagen Daz
c) Gummi worms
d) A man's still quivering heart

21) A man should know where I keep my:
a) House keys
b) Erogenous zones
c) Ear-wax remover
d) Guns

22) I would rather die a slow painful death than:
a) Betray a confidence
b) Betray my country
c) Miss "Wheel of Fortune"
d) Spend one more minute with you

23) The most hellish,vile place on Earth is:
a) Bosnia-Herzegovina
b) Texas
c) Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable
d) Your bedroom

24) The one phrase I would love to hear is:
a) "Congratulations, Madame President"
b) "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"
c) "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!"
d) "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in
the first place."

25) If a man was to propose to me, I would:
a) Cry
b) Call my mother
c) Be pregnant
d) Giggle uncontrollably

Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the
Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur"

Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.

 

[melody]

A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his
mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she
gets pregnant." A few days later, after pondering this for some time,
the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man
ever get his penis back??"

=======

Girls...Be careful who you bump into.

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to
her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know
you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your Dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

=======

Just as he was leaving for work the man's wife told him that there was a leak in the plumbing.

He told her to call a plumber and have it fixed.

When he got to work he gave her a call and asked "Has the plumber come yet?"

She replied "Not quite but I've got him breathing hard."

=======

Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally
cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John's .

The doctor looked at Johnny and said "Let's have the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."

John said , "I haven't got the fingers."

What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2009. We've got
microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put
them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

John says, " How the hell was I supposed to pick them up!!!."

 

[melody]

Panties And Gloves

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday and as they had not been ****** very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note.
Romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's
younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves.
The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart
along with this note...

Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she
wears short ones which are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she was
wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on and she looked smart. I wish I was there to put them on
for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact
with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will
kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them Friday
night.
All My Love,

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded
down with a little fur showing.
________

The naughty old bishop of Birmingham
buggered two boys whilst confirming 'em
as they knelt before god
he pulled out his rod
and pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em

 

[melody]

Women Playing Golf

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the
ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together
at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes,"
he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,
and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked
him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
hell."

 

[melody]

Salesman's Nightmare

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration. " And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

 

[melody]

The Parrot

Joe buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl,
and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to
fuck you!"

After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that shit
again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet."

The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's
gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"

Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet.
He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so
she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon.

She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, I'm
gonna live! I'm gonna live!"

She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"

The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a
gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like This!"

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q. What's the difference between a women that's had a child and a women
who hasn't?
A. One has a has a tiny tot, and one has a tiny twat.

A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.
The doctors said it was touch and go.

Q: Why can't you get a good blow job in Cuba?
A: Because all the cocksuckers are over here in Miami!

My ex's parents always told him he could be what he wanted to be, so
he became an asshole

Q. Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker?
A. In case they have to draw blood.

Q. Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
A. They have to pull their own pants down.

Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?
A. A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.

 

[melody]

A Boy And His Frog

A young boy walks into a brothel to the desk and says, "I want to sleep with one of your prostitutes. "
The madam replies, "I'm sorry son, your far too young. Come back when your older." At this the young man slams fifty dollars down on the counter, and the madam says, "OK son, I will see what I can do."
"Just one thing." says the boy, "She has got to have syphilis!"
"I'm sorry," replied the madam, "but all my girls are clean!" At this the boy slams down another fifty dollars, to which the madam says, "I'll see what I can do!"
So she takes the boy (who is still pulling the frog around on a piece of string) to the syphilis ridden whore, and he proceeds to fuck her.
After he has finished, he walks out of the room, still pulling the frog on the piece of string, with a big smile on his face. As he walks past the madam she says, "Just one thing son. Why did the girl you wanted have to have syphilis?"
"Well," the boy replied, "When I get home I will screw the baby-sitter, and she will catch it. Then when my dad takes her home later on he will fuck her. Then when he gets back home he will fuck my mum and she will catch the syphilis. Then when my dad goes to work tomorrow, my mum will fuck the milkman and he will catch it, and he's the bastard who ran over my frog this morning!"
----- -----
Harry's wife had died, and at the funeral Harry was in a terrible state. He kept crying, yelling, pulling his hair and wailing. "What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?"
The priest took pity on the poor man and went over to him. "My son," said the priest, "I know this is hard on you, but eventually the pain will go away and you will find another woman, marry again and forget about all this in the years to come."
"Yeah, Yeah Reverend, I know all that," Harry sobbed, "But who's gonna cook my dinner and give me a blow job tonight?"
----- -----
What's the worse thing about having to kiss Grandma?
When the coffin lid falls and hits you on the head!

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her!

Did you hear about the homosexual undertaker?
He called his mates around to suck on a few cold ones!

 

[melody]

You May Be A Ho If......

You become a Vaseline spokesperson.

Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.

You go through a Sealy Bed (tm) a week.

Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.

You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.

Tetracycline is your best friend.

McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".

It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.

When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.

When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.

Your day starts and ends by rolling over.

When the sperm bank calls for remnants.

When you're wearing more latex than spandex.

When your ceiling mirrors fog.

When they install a revolving door at your apartment.

When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.

Madonna comes to you for pointers.

When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.

When you have a room key to every hotel in town.

Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.

The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.

When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"

When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.

When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.

-_-_-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates

-_-_-_-_-_-_ -_-_-_-_- _-_

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, "I know that you are not married!
Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of 'Baked
Beans', would you know exactly which bean made you fart?"