JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Sex Quiz.....

1. The most erotic experience a woman over 35 can have is:
a. having her knees rubbed with sour cream
b. simultaneously using the food processor, the blender, and the
microwave
c. reading a sex quiz
d. shopping for shoes

2. When a businessman buys a red Mercedes, he is hoping to:
a. acquire a mistress
b. attract his neighbor's wife
c. preserve his youth
d. get a tax write-off

3. A marriage is in trouble when the husband brings home from the
video store:
a. Kitten with a Whip
b. Sex Slaves of New Haven
c. Emmanuelle II meets Rocky IV
d. The girl who works behind the counter

4. Condoms are not recommended for use:
a. before the 15th of the month
b. after the 15th of the month
c. immediately after sex
d. children under 10

5. Religious families generally have large families because:
a. they generally have more children
b. they just have natural rhythm
c. the Bible forbids television
d. they're just lucky

6. The Bible condemns homosexuals because:
a. they go to the theater a lot
b. they look too much like heterosexuals
c. they don't keep two sets of clothes
d. it's impossible to determine who should take out the garbage

7. After their 35th birthday, fewer than 10% of women ever achieve:
a. multiple orchids
b. a satisfactory weight-loss program
c. a job that pays as much as a man's
d. comfortable shoes

8. It is not uncommon for the average male to worry about the size of
his:
a. bank account
b. piano
c. office
d. necktie

9. In addition to traditional methods, AIDS can also be transmitted by:
a. petting goldfish
b. handling chicken fat
c. kissing the family dog
d. bloody bar room brawls

10. Conception has been known to occur in:
a. the ovarian tubes
b. eustachian tubes
c. the Goodyear tube station
d. back seat of a Camaro

11. "Time of the month" refers to:
a. ovulation
b. undulation
c. a new moon
d. the weekend of AFC vs. NFC championship football

12. Testosterone is a kind of:
a. Italian ice cream
b. testimony given in an Italian court
c. umpire in an Italian cricket match
d. Italian chicken fat

13. An erogenous zone is an area where:
a. women tend to fall asleep
b. women tend to develop sudden headaches
c. men tend to laugh before the punchline
d. it is forbidden to park your rogenous

14. At least 50% of males suffer from premature:
a. emasculation
b. matriculation
c. baldness
d. laughter before the punchline

15. Judeo-Christian tradition frowns on:
a. premarital sex
b. post-marital sex
c. the opposite sex
d. carnal knowledge with non-kosher animals

16. The average frequency of sexual relations is:
a. 78.8 megahertz
b. 92.3 kilohertz
c. 98.4 oyithertz
d. depends on how often your wife works late

17. Which is not considered erotic vocabulary:
a. doo-doo
b. thingamajig
c. doggie-woggie
d. Who owns this pussy?

18. In your personal experience, sex is:
a. overrated but undersupplied
b. oversupplied but not overpriced
c. over there but not over here
d. over

 

[melody]

Erotic Correction

Sally Jo taught erotic correction.
She told her student to get an erection.
"Put your dick in my mouth.
Move it north, move it south
Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"
Her instructions were very explicit,
and more than a little illicit:
"Please fill up my cunny
with fresh clover honey,
and butter my buns like a biscuit."
"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
and I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers,
and laces and leathers,
and wiggle my ass while you spank it."
"Now that your fingers are stinky,
tie me up in some chains that are clinky.
Bring in some goats and a sheik.
Then give my big titties a tweak
and now, we can start getting kinky!"
"Forget what the chain and the whip meant.
Just get the straps and the slings and a shipment
of high grade Vaseline,
and a strong trampoline,
and all of the other equipment!"
"Now, when we get all the bedsprings a drummin',
that's when I'll start in a hummin',
then quickly, my dear,
put it into my ear,
so I'll hear the sound of it comin'!"
"I don't know how much this is costing,"
said her student, still covered with frosting.
"But I can say with affinity
that I've lost my virginity.
Quite frankly, my dear, you're exhausting!"

()()()()()

"Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to eat by candlelight! "
"Shut up or I'll scrape the wax out of the other ear."
What was the gay rapist charged with?
Homo-cide.
What's the only thing used sanitary napkins are good for?
Tea bags for vampires.
What do you call a zipper on a gay Italian's pants?
A Mediterranean fruit fly.
Mommy, Mommy, I hate olives!"
"Shut up or I'll scrape your other eye out!"
What's grosser than gross?
Fucking a pregnant lady and the fetus gives you head.
Didja hear that diarrhea's hereditary?
Yeah, it runs in the jeans!
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli!

 

[melody]

The Woodsman

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree
with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out
of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No ,would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..."

So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the
tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes
his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy
handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asked, "What the hell
happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was
telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks
around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says... "Ya know
sweetheart, this just ain't your day."

998899

A woman goes to the gynecologist with a terrible case of
crotch rot. The doctor takes one whiff & almost passes out.
"My dear," says the Doc, "this is serious! What you need is Mega
Douche!"
"Mega Douche?" says the woman, "What's that?"
"It's my own formula! It contains marijuana, talcum powder
& Kentucky fried chicken."
"Why marijuana, talcum powder & fried chicken?"
"Because you wanna keep that thing high & dry & finger lickin good!"

998899

A young boy was in the shower with his grandfather
and asked him if grandma looked the same as they
did between her legs.

Grandpa said, "No sonny, when she was young it
looked like a peach with fuzz on it and now it looks
like a cow turd that a wagon wheel has run through."

998899

Q. What's green and melts in your mouth.
A. A leper's cock!

Q. What's blue and doesn't fit?
A. A dead epileptic.

Q. What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss?
A. A kidney dialysis machine!

Q. What's the first thing a women released from a battered women's
shelter should do?
A. The dishes, if she's smart.

 

[melody]

Drive Through Cash Machines
(ATM)

To enable new users to use this facility, the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE PROCEDURE
1.. Drive up to cash machine.
2.. Roll down car window.
3.. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5.. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6.. Roll up window.
7.. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1.. Drive up to cash machine.
2.. Put car in reverse and back up to required distance to align car window to machine.
3.. Restart stalled engine.
4.. Roll down car window.
5.. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passengers seat to locate card.
6.. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car.
8.. Insert card.
9.. Re-insert card the right way up.
10.. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11.. Enter PIN.
12.. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13.. Enter amount of cash required.
14.. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15.. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17.. Place receipt in back of check book.
18.. Re-check make-up again.
19.. Drive forward 10 feet.
20.. Put car in reverse and back up to cash machine.
21.. Retrieve card.
22.. Re- empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot.
23.. Re-check make-up
24.. Restart stalled engine and pull out.
25.. Drive for 3 or 4 miles.
26.. Release hand brake.

 

[melody]

How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!

Why are there so many homes for battered women?
Because they just don't fucking listen!!

If girls are made of sugar & spice, how come they all smell like Anchovies?

Why do women get their belly buttons pierced?
So they have a place to hang an air freshener!

What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt. ?
Answer: A pussy is that furry thing between a woman's legs that feels so good, and tastes so good and us guys have so much fun with,
And a cunt is what owns it.

 

[melody]

The Leper And His Meal

A leper goes into a Mexican restaurant and says: "I'll have a taco combination plate -- and you'd better make it to go."
The waitress, realizing that the leper is embarrassed by his appearance, says compassionately: "Sir, you're very welcome here. Why don't you sit down and eat here?"
So the leper sits down and when his food comes and he begins to eat, a piece of his earlobe falls into his plate. He hears guests gagging and says to the waitress: "look, I think you'd better just box this food up so I can eat it at home."
"Nonsense," says the waitress. "I won't hear of it."
So he takes a few more bites, and a piece of his nose falls off. More gagging from the patrons. "Look," he says, "I'm making people gag. Please, just box this up for me."
"Sir," says the waitress, "it's not you who's making these people gag. The lady behind you has been dipping tortilla chips in the back of your neck!"

==========

A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling. He says: "You're nervous, aren't you?"
"Yes, it's my first visit to a gynecologist."
"Would you like me to numb you down there?"
"Oh, yes please."
He sticks his face between her legs and goes: "Num, num, num . . ."

==========

Two guys are talking in a bar:
"I came home early last night and caught my wife having sex with my best friend in our bed!"
"What did you do?"
"I grabbed my wife by the hair and said 'that's it, you're outta here' and threw her out of the house."
"What did you do to your best friend?"
"I shook my finger at him and yelled 'bad dog! bad dog!'"

 

[melody]

Dear Santa (From Barbie)

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing
at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and
I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna
be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm
sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro
crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear
to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct;

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct;

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just
get it done;

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a
hooker....for goodness sake!

8. A new, more '2009 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake
fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable
Nicotine patch and equipped with several packs of gum;

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it; Ok,
Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't
think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find
yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Up yours truly,
Barbie



Ken's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes
in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In
addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about
me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues
concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT
deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with
Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette,
evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to changes our hair style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great
length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator
Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken" ? In addition, there
are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken"
"Green Lantern Ken" "Chippendale Ken" ... "Master Ken" These would
more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need
bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would
also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue
before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the
blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others.
And Barbie can forget about having G.I.Joe - he's mine.

Real sincerely,
Ken

 

[melody]

http://img109.imageshack.us/img109/8959/img1331171588.gif

An Italian Merry Christmas

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a
date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve.
I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian
girl to see how an Italian family spends the
holidays. I thought my mother and my date would
hit it off like partridges and pear trees.

So, I was wrong. Sue me.

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I
extended the invitation. I know these family
things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my
folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on

Christmas Eve." "Sounds fine to me," Karen said.
I had only known my mother for 31 years when I
told her I'd be bringing Karen with me.

"She's a very nice girl and she's really looking
forward to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.
And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two
"sounds-fine-to-me". What more could I want?
Christmas was set!

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian
households, Christmas Eve is the social event of
the season - an Italian woman's raison d'etre.
She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates
every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve
is what Italian women live for.

I should also point out, I suppose, that when it
comes to the kind of women that make Italian men
go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't
cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest
breasts I have ever seen on a human being.
I brought her anyway.

7p.m. - we arrive .
Karen and I walk in and putter around for half
an hour waiting for the other guests to show up.
During that half hour, my mother grills Karen
like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that
Karen does not clean, cook, or bake.

My father is equally observant. He pulls me
into the living room and notes, "She has the largest
breasts I have ever seen on a human being!"

7:30p.m. - Others arrive.
Uncle Antonio walks in with my Aunt Mafalde,
assorted kids, assorted gifts.! We sit around the
dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically
composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black
olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone, and anchovies.

When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, "Thank you.
But none of those things, okay?" She points to the anchovies.

"You don't like anchovies?" I ask.

"I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all
as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are
baking, broiling and simmering in the next room.
My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things
are getting uncomfortable.

Aunt Sophia asks Karen what her family eats on
Christmas Eve. Karen says, "Knockwurst."

My father, who is still staring in a daze,
at Karen's chest, temporarily snaps out of it to
murmur, Knockers?" My mother kicks him so hard he
gets a blood clot. None of this is
turning out the way I'd hoped.

8:00p.m. - Second course.
The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the
table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll
make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks
me to join her in the kitchen. I take my
"Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the
"Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.

"I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says
calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands,
"But if she pours this on my pasta, I'm going to
throw acid in her face."

"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants."

My mother considers the situation,
then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining
room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth,"
she says,"are you serious with this tramp?"

"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three weeks."

"Well, it's your life", she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll poison you."

8:30p.m. - More fish.
My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé
plant hangers that are always three times larger
than the plants they hold.

All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti
dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette.

"Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest.

Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.

"Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling painfully.

"Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink.

As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies
over her head, and smashes against the wall. From
the kitchen, my mother says, "Whoops."

I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy. "Whoops?"
No. "Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft."

More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen
tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms."

My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you
always see in the sixth row of a funeral home.
Aunt Sophia does the same. Karen, believing that this is
something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve,
bites her hand and pounds her chest also.

My Uncle Antonio doesn't know what to make of it. My father's
dentures fall out and he almost chews a six-inch gash in the
tablecloth with his fingernails.
10:00p.m. - Coffee, dessert.
Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of
lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother
finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli.
I guess it had to happen sooner or later.

Karen, believing that this is something that all
Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a
cannoli and slaps my mother with it.

"This is fun," Karen says. Fun?
No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft.

But, amazingly, everyone is laughing
and smiling and filled with good cheer - even my
mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says,
"Get this bitch out of my house."

Sounds fine to me.
THE END

(If you aren't in stitches by now, you don't
know Italians!)

 

[melody]

http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/7125/img1485813605.gif

Season's Greetings Jokes

Money's Short Times are Hard
Here's your Fucking Christmas Card

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
everyone felt shitty, even the mouse

Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my place to see what's the matter

Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the old fucker fell

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
Piss on you all and have a good night

- Have a nice Christmas, asshole

@@@

1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

 

[melody]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.

After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer.

Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some beer too?"

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.

"No."

"Well, then you're not big enough."

Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.

"No."

"Well, then you're not big enough."

Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies.

His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"

Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"

Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick, so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."

Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."

 

[melody]

A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.

The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."
______

Thought of the Day
Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that's where you get shitty ideas from.

 

[melody]

http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/1681/img641039120.gif

Christmas Q&A Jokes

Q. What did Santa say to the three blondes?
A. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Q. What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A. They go into town and blow a few bucks.

Q. What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A. Snowballs.

Q. Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
A. Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Q. Why is Santa Claus always so jolly?
A. Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!

Q. What do you call a truck load of vibrators heading South from the North Pole on Christmas Eve?
A. Toys for twats!

Q. Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
A. Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Q. Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
A. Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Q. How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
A. They both have ornamental balls.

Q. Why do people make snow men instead of snow women?
A. Because it takes too long to hollow out the head!

http://img15.imageshack.us/img15/9965/img141186753.gif

This woman walks into a tattoo shop and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.

The tattoo artist says "That's an unusual request. Why do you want two tattoos there?"

She replies "Because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and New Years."

http://img39.imageshack.us/img39/4836/img261027633.gif to aLL...
http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/5209/img641264549.gifmel

 

[melody]

Marry A Fat Woman

This guy always wanted to marry a fat woman. So one day he was
driving down the road and saw a fat gal on a John Deere tractor and
wrecked his car. He was madly in love, he begged her to marry him
and she said yes if he would eat her pussy and of course he was
delighted. She pulled down her pants and rolled that big fat sweaty
ass up into the tire rim. He commenced to eatin that thang and she
rolled up on one haunch and let a big old boiled egg fart out and he
pulled his head up as if in disgust and then dived back in, again she
rolled up and gave him a double dose of boiled egg fart at the same
time she gets her rocks off. sweat was rolling off both of them and she
stunk like dead fish and she said she would marry him but wanted to
know how in hell he could he stand it. He said honey I couldn't have
made it with those two breaths of fresh air you gave me.

====================

Two faggots were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the
gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable
to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it.
As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes
him into the cage... slams him to the floor and fucks him senseless.
A few days later in hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner
if he is hurt...
"Hurt... Hurt... You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."

====================

What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than
vaginal sex?
-It's warmer, tighter and it's degrading to the woman.

What's the definition of a nice old woman?
-Someone who takes her teeth out before she goes down on you!

How do you make love to an ugly woman?
-Have a wank into your hand, then throw it at her.
What is the difference between a homosexual and a Fag?
-A homosexual has a sexual preference for men.
A fag is a homosexual who annoys you enough that you want to beat the
shit out of him.

 

[melody]

Dear Santa - LITTLE JOHNNY

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of
December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things
that have occurred since the beginning of the month when, filled
with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an
electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football
uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only
was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the
whole school!

I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire
neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my
brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on
errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was
virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a f**king yo-yo, a stupid
whistle and a pair of socks! What the f**k were you thinking,
you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the
whole f**king year to come out with some shit like this under the
tree. As if you hadn't f**ked me enough,you gave that little
faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into
his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my
chimney next year. I'll f**k you up! I'll throw rocks at those
stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to WALK back
to the f**king North Pole, just like what I have to do now since
you didn't get me that f**king bike.

F**K YOU SANTA! Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you
FAT SOB.

Sincerely,
Little Johnny

 

[melody]

Favorite Lesbian Jokes

10 Things You Should Never Do On the Internet

Never trust anyone who goes for a potty break and never takes more than 30 seconds!

Never trust anyone who starts a conversation with the words "I AM a woman!!!!! Are you?"

Never trust someone who brags that they can remove a woman's bra in just under a minute! Any self-respecting dyke can do it MUCH faster than that!

Never trust anyone who begs for cyber sex, especially if they use the phrase "blue ovaries"!

Never give out your home phone number to someone who tells you "You might as well...I can find it anyway!"

Never join a chat room where the topic is "All Lesbians! Men welcome!" or "The channel for lesbians....and the men who love them"!

Never trust anyone who misspells the word "lesbian" or "dyke"! If they don't know if they are a woman loving woman or a water dam, they need more help than you can give them!

Never have cyber sex with anyone who begins by asking "Ok. Where do I start?"

Never have cyber sex with anyone who says "I've never done this before, but I'm really curious about what it's really like to be with another woman. Will you teach me?"

Never start a serious cyber relationship with someone who's nickname is "quickie"!

@@@

Q: What do you call a lesbian with 10 girlfriends?
A: A bush-hog!

Q: What did one lesbian say to another?
A: "Your face or mine?"

Q: What kind of humor do lesbians like?
A: Tongue in cheek.

Q: Why do lesbians like to have gay male friends?
A: Someone has to do the cooking!

Q: How can you tell if you have a butch dyke co-worker?
A: You find the toilet seat up when she leaves the stall.

Q: What does it mean when 2 lesbians have sex?
A: It don't mean dick!

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

 

[melody]

Santa's Response To Little Johnny's After Christmas Letter

Dear Johnny,

I know WHO you are,
and I KNOW where you live.
You little shit!
You can't talk to SANTA
like that and get away with it!

If you don't like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy,
by the way, then you can just
cram it up your little *$$!
As for the whistle you didn't care for --
I gotcha whistle right here!!!
Come blow on this!
And the socks...well, I figured
you are big enough to
be whacking off, and those sox
would have come in handy and been
handy to ... well, even you should get the picture!

And... that little "faggot" across the street,
you'll be happy to know that he's already
got pubic hair and his wang is
TWICE as long as yours.
Besides, his parents think YOU're the fag --
always moanin' and whinin'.

Don't worry about gathering up rocks
for my visit to your house next year,
'cause I ain't coming down
your chimney ever again.
If you find any pennies this year,
you had better stop and pick
them up, 'cause that's about all
you're going to get for Christmas.
Your mom and dad are going
to be killed in a car crash,
and you'll be stuck in an
orphanage before Thanksgiving.

Bad? You want BAD? I'll show you who's bad!

Affectionally, Adieu,
Santa

@@@

Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid..

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, Dream on,
Bucko!

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and
handling.

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his
bed.

5. Instead of Naughty or Nice, Santa has him on the dork list.

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, Touch my beard and I'll
put the hurt on you.

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read Straight from Craptown.

1. Four words: Off my lap, Tubby!

http://img64.imageshack.us/img64/788/img258432468.gif to aLL..
mel

 

[melody]

Mom, I'm Gay

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay... doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

ddddd

No matter how good it was, no matter to what heights
of ecstasy you may have been transported, no matter how
much you love her, and no matter how grateful you may
be, NEVER, EVER, after a blow job, say to your
partner, "Thanks, cocksucker!"

ddddd

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them." "How does that make them bigger?", she asks. "I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."

ddddd

The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replied, "The stork brings them."
The boy, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the storks?

ddddd

One day a boy asks his dad, "What's the difference between a pussy and
a cunt?"
Dad thought for a minute and said "Come with me." He took his son to
his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude.
"Son" he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch?
That is a pussy".
The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"
"No!" replied his father. "That might wake the cunt up".

 

[melody]

Christmas Ball Warmers

Three blondes are sitting in a café, talking about what to get their
boyfriends for Christmas.

"It's funny," said Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when
I'm sucking his cock! I think I should get him some ball warmers for
Christmas."

"You know what?" replied Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"

They turn to the third blonde, Candi, and asked, "When you blow Chris,
are his balls cold, too?"

"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"
exclaimed Candi.

"You're crazy," Samantha piped up. "A good blowjob is the best way to
keep a guy! You should try it! It would make a great Christmas gift for
Chris!"

Candi says she'll think about it. The next time they meet at the café it
is Boxing Day and Candi is sporting a wicked shiner.

"Whoa!" the Jenny asked. "How did you get that black eye?!"

"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," Candi said.

"What on earth for?!" the Jenny asked.

"I don't know," Candi replied. "I was giving him his Christmas present
like you two suggested. I mentioned how strange it was that his balls
were so warm, when Pete and Richard's were so cold, and he punched me!"

@@@

Santa’s Pickup Lines

*^* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
*^* Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
*^* I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
*^* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
*^* I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small
talk, sister!
*^* Some of my best toys run on batteries.
*^* Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs.
calls it)
*^* I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear,
do you?
*^* Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
*^* Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

 

[melody]

A Redneck "Night Before Christmas"

'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.

The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?

I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"

"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.

I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.

Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.

A big can of crawdads for when I go fishin'
A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.

A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.

When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit."
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.

I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew,
I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew,
With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer,
I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year!"

Another Version

A Redneck "Night Before Christmas"

'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!"

YEE HAWWWW!

 

[melody]

Parrot Sings Christmas Carols

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a
unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just
what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings
Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man
agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much
for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his
pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter
and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts
singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and
watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right
foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."

The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband
rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful
gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's
special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the
bird sings "Silent Night."

He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a
round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her
husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and
the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

@@@

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia ---
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder ---
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Amnesia ---
I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic ---
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic ---
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and

Paranoid ---
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder ---
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder ---
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Agoraphobia ---
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Autistic ---
Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...

Senile Dementia ---
Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My
Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder ---
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

Social Anxiety Disorder ---
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate