JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

HER HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN...

You let one rip in your sleep
and don't care if he hears.

Talking dirty in bed means
shouting obscenities when he
hogs the blanket.

Chivalry's as dead as the
door he lets slam in your face.

PMS lasts all month.

Your jumbo box of absorbent
maxi-pads is on open display.

"Honey, what are you thinking?"
is now, "Are you finished yet?!"

He yawns when you bitch about that
guy hitting on you at work.

Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties
have become way too uncomfortable.

Two weeks no orgasm.

Three weeks no orgasm ... and you
still don't miss it.

When he lends you five bucks, he
expects it back.

You'd rather spend quality time
with your vibrator.

The honeymoon is over
and love is but a dying flower
when she comes in and takes a crap
while you are in the shower.
____________


FUN THINGS TO SAY TO A GIRL WITH
NO ARMS AND NO LEGS

"If your happy and you know it clap your hands!"

I guess a hand jobs out off the question?

You don't expect me to do the dishes?

Could you pass me my cigarettes darling?

I would have at least expected you to cook me dinner!!!

Do you want a vibrator for Christmas?

Why do you mean you haven't done the shopping?

Oi… give me back the remote control.

Do you want to play racket ball?

Why haven't you made the bed?

Now stand up and say that… BITCH!!!!!

It's your turn to mow the lawn!

Who left that slug trail on the kitchen floor?

If you need something done while I'm gone, call a handyman!

Are you having an affair you bitch, I've been calling all day!!!!

One giant leap for mankind, one enormous thump on the floor!

Remember… progress is just one step at a time.

Put another log on the fire.

Do you want to drive, or should I?

It's your turn to walk the dog!

For god sake woman… get off your arse!!!!

 

[melody]

Murphy's Laws On Sex

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you,
the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's
offered take it,because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes
the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what
people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches
you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and
minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she
usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a
man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

_+_+_+_

The Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

_+_+_+_

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

 

[melody]

You Know You're Trailer Trash When...

Your junior prom had a daycare.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You let your 12 year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


Trailer Trash Personal Hygiene

1. Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
2. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
3. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
4. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
5. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
6. Going without underwear is NOT an option.
7. Dab a little perfume here and there.
8. Once every month take the kids out to the back yard so pa can hose them down.
9. Both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark.
10. Remember, the cleanest kid goes in the tub first.

 

[melody]

A Virgin

A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchhiking.

They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway.

A few minutes later, the first fag said. "Excuse me, but I have to fart."

He held his breath, then the truck driver heard a low "Hsssssss."

A few miles down the road, the second fag announced, "Excuse me, but I have to fart."

The announcement was followed by another low "Hsssssss."

"Jesus Fuckin Christ!" the truckie exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart like men. Listen to this." A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine gun burst from his arse.

"Ohhh!" one fag exclaimed, turning to the other. "You know what we have here, Bruce? A real virgin!"
_____

The honeymoon is over
and love is but a dying flower
when she comes in and takes a shit
while you are in the shower.
_____

What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?
"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."
_____

A county sheriff picked up a fag from the big city
after the residents of the sleepy little town
complained that the homo was propositioning some of
the local boys.

"Okay, you fruitcake," the sheriff said in
disgust,"you got fifteen minutes to blow this town or
I'll throw you queer ass in jail."

"Oh, my," cooed the fag, "I'd better get started.
I love a challenge"

 

[melody]

Perverted Q's & A's

Q. Why does a bride smile as she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q. What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A. Cough, gag, choke . . .

Q. What does 78-year-old snatch smell like?
A. Depends!

Q. How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A. Pick him up and suck his dick

Q. Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his porch?
A. So he could greet visitors with a handshake.

Q. What's the definition of gross?
A. Licking the sweat off your grandpa's back as you fuck him in the ass.

Q. How do you get a really old, skanky whore lubricated?
A. Stick in a couple of fingers, scratch off some scabs, and let the pus run.

Q. How can you tell when your husband has an abnormally high sperm count?
A. You have to chew before you swallow.

Q. Have you heard about the new feminine hygiene spray created by SSY?
A. You know, they're the company that took the PU out of pussy.

Q. What's the difference between a child molester and a pimple?
A. A pimple doesn't come on your face until you're at least fifteen.

Q. What's the difference between your grandmother's pussy and a bowling ball?
A. If you really HAD to, you could eat a bowling ball.

Q. What's the second dirtiest line ever said on television?
A. "June, I'm going upstairs to help the boys pack some fudge."
Q. Why do women have such a hard time peeing in the morning?
A. Ever try to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. What's the difference between "like" and "love"?
A. It's the difference between "spit" and "swallow."

Q. Then what's the difference between "love" and "showing off"?
A. It's the difference between "swallow" and "gargle."

Q. What's the main difference between fucking a regular woman and fucking a woman with no arms?
A. When you fuck a woman with no arms and it pops out, you're the one who has to put it back in.

Q. How did the john know how many times his favorite whore had gotten fucked that night?
A. He drank her douche and counted the lumps as they went down.

Q. Why do women have legs?
A. So they don't leave snail trails.

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

 

[melody]

Crappy Jokes

Two guys are swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentions that during the war he was captured.
"I was held for weeks and given almost nothing to eat. I had to learn to eat my own shit."
"I don't believe you!"
The vet reaches into his pants, shits in his hand and eats it.
Gagging, the other guy says: "My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!!"
"Sounds good to me," said the vet "I can use the money."
So the next day the guy sets up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving high rollers.
He puts a plate of shit in front of the vet. The vet looks down, gags, and projectile pukes all over the two gamblers. In a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of both men, take their winnings and leave.
"We lost it all!!" said the buddy. "Why in the hell didn't you eat the shit??"
"There was a hair in it!"


Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a
big, bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to shit!"


Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one smells something foul. He turns to the other. "Hey man," he says, "did you shit yourself?"
"Yeah," says the second drunk.
"Well, why don't you go clean yourself up?"
"I ain't through yet.

 

[melody]

An Italian In Detroit

You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work:

One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast,

I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one
piss.
I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her
you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not
piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and
she calla me a sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eats lunch at drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a
spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me
everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on
the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma
bitch.

So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I
calla the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to
the toilet.
So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better
not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.

I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say
Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch.

I go back to Italy.

@@@

An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese
businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him
upstairs with a hooker.

As he's fucking her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana!
Nashagai ana!"

He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..." He keeps pumping,
and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"

The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys,
and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.
The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana."

The American asks, "What does that mean?"

The Japanese replies, "Wrong hole."

@@@

The difference in definition between "guts" and "balls"

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the lads,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty".

 

[melody]

13 Shots

A young man walks into a bar and tell the bartender to setup 13 shots
of scotch which the bartender does. The young guy starts downing shot
after shot without fail. He bartender asks "What are you celebrating?"he asks.
The guy says "I just had my first blow job" The bartender says
"Congratulations! Have one on the house!"The young man replies "No Thanks!
he says. If 13 shots don't get the taste outta my mouth,another one
won't matter".

====================

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

====================

My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told
her she couldn't make love. I've known this for years I want to know
how he found out!

What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
Your wife will blow your bonus.

Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it
doesn't work anymore?

====================

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the
entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73
years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know
you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really? Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

 

[melody]

A Cucumber And A Pickle

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says
to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big,
fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."
So the cucumber says. "Yeah, you think that's bad, whenever I get big,
fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me over a salad."

So the penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says,
"You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat, and
juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly
room and make me do push ups until I throw up!!!"

.....

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor.
"Doctor I think I have the crabs."
"When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks.
"I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied.
The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table
and he would examine her. After the examination he said, "I have some good
news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs. The
bad news is you've got fruit flies. Your cherry rotted."

.....

Me and You are Friends.......

You Fight, I Fight........

You Hurt, I Hurt........

You Cry, I Cry.........

You Jump Off a Bridge....

I'm Gonna Miss Your Dumb ass!!!!

.....

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers
to the other. "Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".

 

[melody]

Yo Mama's So Smelly...

Yo mama's so stank, the only dis I want to give her is a disinfectant.
Yo mama's so stank, even dogs won't sniff her crotch.
Yo mama smells like the Flash's nuts after a hard day of runnin'.
Yo mama's so stank, when you were being delivered, the doctor was wearing the oxygen mask.
Yo mama smells so bad her Sure deodorant is confused and her Secret told on her.
Yo mama's so stank, she made her Right Guard call for backup.
Yo mama's so stank, she made Right Guard go left, Speed Stick slow down, and Ban come off strike.
Yo mama's so stank, she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard.
Yo mama's so stank, a blind man walking by her asked "How much for the shrimp platter?"
Yo mama's so stank, when she spreads her legs I get sea sick.
Yo mama's so stank, she was playing in a sand box and a cat came along and buried her.
Yo mama smells like hot ass on a cold day.
Yo mama's so stank, every time she opens her mouth she's talking shit.
Yo mama's so stank, that her shit is glad to escape.
Yo mama's so stank, she's like Shaquille O'Neal, she don't fake the funk!!
Yo mama's so stank, next to her a skunk smells sweet.
Yo mama's so stanky, she gets sourdough yeast infections.
Yo mama's so skanky, she stuck in a cucumber and pulled out a pickle.
Yo mama's drawers are so funky, the roaches check in but they don't check out.

Yo Mama's So Greasy..

Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats Crisco.
Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes across her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, she squeezes Crisco from her hair to bake cookies.
Yo mama's so greasy, she's labeled as an ingredient in Crisco.
Yo mama's so greasy, if Crisco had a football team, she'd be the mascot.
Yo mama's so greasy, she uses bacon as a band aid.
Yo mama's so greasy, when she slid into second she ended in Detroit.
Yo mama's so greasy, Texaco buys oil from her.
Yo mama's so greasy, you could fry a chicken dinner for 12 on her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.
Yo mama's so greasy, her freckles slipped off.

@@@

I know yo mama from personal experience. She's just like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port.

I know yo mama's favorite day at work is "Take your son to work day." I bet you had fun testing condoms.

I saw yo mama riding down the street the other day on her BMX, the bitch got off and started booty shakin' for flapjacks with a vote for Bill Clinton sign.

 

[melody]

Sarcastic Remarks

And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.
If I throw a stick will you leave??
YOU!.... Off my planet!
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made, others will be blamed.
Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.
A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.
Whatever look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.
I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.
I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
It's not the size that counts... no wait, it's the size!
A woman's favorite position is CEO
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
Too many freaks not enough circuses.
Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
I plead contemporary insanity.
And which dwarf are you?
How do I set the laser printer to stun?

 

[melody]

Single Man's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
All these women give me the creeps.

Please just send me one good chick
preferably one without a dick.

One good girl who's sweet as pie,
who shave's her lips and doesn't lie.

Who is slim and fine and dresses well,
who is stacked and pale and sexy as hell.

A woman who doesn't care that I am rich,
who wants a cheap gold digging bitch?

Man, if I should die before I wake,
let me know that this is no mistake;
No matrimony or honeymoon
or marriage plans for the month of June.
No tossing of the white lace garter.
Why make life any harder?

If I die before I meet my mate,
please tell my friends to avoid this fate.

But then again with my score,
she'd probably be some dumb whore.

The single life is not so bad
there is a lot of pussy to be had.

I won't be blue. I will not frown,
besides who put my toilet seat down?

Too much makeup and big hair,
send a babe and answer my prayer.

The single life will do just fine
so what's up, woman?

ITS PARTY TIME!!!!!

------

The Fart Poem

At times it is silent, at times it is not
at times it sneaks out and burns oh so hot!
When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out
it hides and it waits till you're out and about!
The evil ones reek and embarrass us so
then laugh as they trail us wherever we go!
I know it's a function we can't live without,
but on a first date must they really come out??
Men light them on fire - it amuses them so
women fight to be quiet so that no one will know.
I can't figure why after eating good food
the smell that results could kill many a dude!
So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend
you begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end!

 

[melody]

Chicken Noodle Soup

This guy goes into a restaurant and orders some chicken noodle soup.
When the waitress brings it he notices that there is
some hair in it, so he slams the bowl on the table and says "I'm not
paying for this fucking shit!'" , and storms out.
The waitress, distressed by all this followed him across the road to
try to apologize. She followed him into a whore house where she found him in a room eating out a whore!!
Then she started on him,.."you complain about a bit of hair in your
soup, and now look what your doing you filthy bastard!
Then he turned and looked at her and said..
"I tell you what, if I find any fucking noodles in here I'm not paying
either!

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

In every romantic relationship there comes a time to meet the parents.
The stress of wondering if they will like and accept you can lead to embarrassing misstatements.
To help you avoid some of the most common conversational pitfalls I've compiled a list of the Top Ten things not to say to your girlfriend's parents when you meet them for the first time:

10. Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are.

9. Wazzzaaaaap!

8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.

7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.

6. No... No... It's OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.

5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?

4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?

3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I'm waiting out here! Send the bitch out!

2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you've raised a good girl. I can't get her to blow me no matter what I say.


And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your boy or girlfriend's parents for the first time:

1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.

 

[melody]

Erotic Art

I shaved my little pussy,
So the little thing is bare
I thought it should be just like my head
And have a lot less hair

Oh yes, my pussy's hairless
It feels as smooth as silk
And when I get excited
It spurts this stuff like milk.

It feels so good to touch it
I wish that you could see
And take my hairless pussy
Then dive inside of me.

Take my clit between your teeth
And nibble on it please
I'm even willing to help you
By straddling you on my knees

I'd place my hairless pussy
Right atop your lips
And as you start to lick it
I would surely move my hips!!!

I know you like the thought of this,
My hairless little twat
I know it might sound slutty,
But surely that I'm not.

I'm just a full grown woman
Who has some normal needs
My smoothly shaven pussy
Has lots of them indeed!!!

It needs some loving licking
And some biting on my clit
I don't even think it'd mind
If you were to fuck it a bit

There are no little curly ones
Left for you to find
Cause my little pussy's hairless
From my front to my behind.

So, you could take me either way
In the front door or the back
What a turn on it would be
To feel your luscious sack.

I think that you should do this
My God, it feels so great!!!
To feel yourself so smoothly shaved
Is a trip!!!!You shouldn't wait!!!

Now go and get your razor
And take a little time
To make your pubie hairless
So yours can feel like mine.

Please let me know you've done this
And tell me of every move
Cause just the thought of shaving it
Has me wet in the groove.

I really need some loving
And some animalistic thrusts
I think that if you did this
My cunt would certainly bust.

Then you could spread my juices
Over my smoothly shaven twat
Then the little thing would glisten
My God!!! It's getting HOT!!!!

So, please take my little pussy
And fuck it any way
I really think it needs it
At least 3 times a day!!!!

 

[melody]

Jerry Springers Future Stories

If you like watching your Dad and Mom have sex on their own web site, call 1-800-Jerry and tell your story!
If your father's sister's mother's aunt's grandfather's nephew's cousin is your bi-sexual lover and they want you to have sex while the family watches, but you're against it... Please Call 1-800-69-JERRY
Are you a transexual with a story to tell? Call Associate Producer Deb at 888-321-5387
IF YOUR MOM IS YOUR COUSIN, AUNT, UNCLE AND DAD AND YOU HAVE THE URGE TO HAVE HER CHILDREN-CALL 1-800-JERRY AND SHARE YOUR STORY.
Does your college roommate beat off in the middle of the night and u want to confront him call us at 1-800-jerry
Are you a bald, one legged male prostitute, And want to confront your one eyed pimp on our show? Call 1-800-JERRY
Are you a schizophrenic necrophelic, and 3 different personalities want to propose to your canine companion? Call 1-800-Jerry
If your penis is 2 inches.......from the ground call 1-800-hi-jerry
Is your gay son using your douche to satisfy his gay needs?? If so call 1-800-89-jerry
Is your dad a cross-dressing pedophile? If so call 1-800-96jerry
If your father is your mother's cousin and you are currently having an affair with your sister(or is it your aunt?)
Are you a pregnant prostitute who is in love with your pimp and his girlfriend and want to confront them both on our show? Call 1-800 96JERRY
Is your gay lover having an affair with both your parents? Then call 1-800 Jerry Jokes.
If your mom is thinking of becoming a man to satisfy your father's gay curiosity,please call us at 1-800 Jerry jokes!!
Is your Dad a Grand Dragon in the KKK, and you are having an interacial sex affair? If so, call 1 800 Jerry and tell us your story!
Do you suspect your wife or partner of having sexual relations with the family pet? Call 1 800 Jerry and tell us your story!
"Good morning! How may I help you say it with flowers?"
the florist cheerfully asked as he answered his phone.
"Well, since you put it that way, " the male caller answered,
"I want you to send my secretary a cactus."
"What on earth does a cactus 'say' to your secretary?"
the florist queried.
"It says I want her to feel a prick."

 

[melody]

50 Lies Men Tell Women

1. I'll call you.
2. I love you.
3. You're the only one.
4. I've never felt this way about anyone else.
5. I've got to work late at the office tonight.
6. That's the best sex I've ever had.
7. You've got the most beautiful eyes
8. No, I'm not married
9. Sorry. I must have left my wallet and credit cards at home.
10. You just have to believe me when I tell you nothing's wrong.
11. I'm ready to make a commitment.
12. Except for a beer or two, I never drink.
13. My wife and I haven't had sex in years.
14. We'll get married as soon as I ...
15. I'll be home in twenty minutes.
16. It's not that I don't care - I just have to spend more time
with my kids.
17. I've only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life.
18. I've been celibate since we broke up.
19. I could never lie to you.
20. I can still last all night
21. I always use a condom
22. I can help you get a great job in my company (field)
23. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up
24. I tested HIV negative
25. I haven't seen her since she and I broke up
26. The only sexual fantasies I have are about you
27. No, I don't think your thighs (stomach, breasts, hips, etc.)
are too big
28. I'm too tired
29. How could you think I'd be interested in her? She's your best
friend
30. When it comes to oral sex, I'm the best
31. I've never had any trouble keeping an erection before
32. It's you and me, babe - we'll make love all over Europe
33. I'd never do anything to hurt you.
34. I want to grow old with you
35. Believe me, my wife and I live very separate lives
36. Our having sex won't change a thing between us
37. Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy
38. I'm going to leave my wife
39. You're nothing at all like my mother
40. Your being a different religion doesn't matter to me
41. It doesn't bother me that you make more money than I do
42. Even without sex, we'd still be friends
43. I think older women are the most exciting
44. I'm considered one of the top people (in my field, in the
company)
45. What attracts me to you is your mind
46. We'll split all the child care and household chores
fifty-fifty
47. Of course I don't mind that you didn't come
48. I've never had an affair before
49. You're the only one who understands me
50. I've never been in therapy

 

[melody]

A Paratrooper

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?"

I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared" So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father."

Well, a little.... at first."

@@@

There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itching.

 

[melody]

****** By Nationality

A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti &
meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat
ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of
having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend

JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the
wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting
to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing
happens..
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing
happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already
realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!

LATIN WOMAN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend
and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

 

[melody]

Things Overheard While Having Sex

"A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?"

"Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's
goo--AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"

"Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy
bags as strong as they used to!"

"Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL!
Oooh, your batteries just died!"

" ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it? Wait ... come back!"

"No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax."

"It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes."

"Don't laugh -- if *all* penises were this small,
birth control would be a thing of the past!"

"OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say
'Captain, I can sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it
again with more accent!"

"Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!"

"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."

"Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"

"Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"

"Dammit Mom! Knock first!"

"OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll*
be Rico the gardener."

"Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give
a shit if that works out to $240 a minute."

"Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast
there while we're doing this?"

"Shave it? You're lucky I washed it."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the
original body model for the Ken doll. How in the world did
you guess?"

"Baa-a-a-a-a"
________

Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be
the prostitute?
A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

Q. What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A. Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

 

[melody]

Advice To Be Passed On To Your Daughter

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all
up there.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you
can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.

@@@

HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE GROWING OLD ...

You get winded playing cards.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You join a health club and don't go.

You look forward to dull evenings

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

You know all the answers but nobody asks you questions.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

@@@

"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can’t live without
me, and she wants to marry me."

"And you’re asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I’m asking you to make her leave me the fuck alone."