JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Interesting equation

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy

If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work

In other words,

Human that don't know enjoy = pigs that work


**************

Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money

If Men - earn money = Pigs

In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Pigs


**************

Women = eat + sleep + spend

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Women = Pigs + spend

If, Women - spend = Pigs

In other words,

Women that don't spend = Pigs


**************

Summary:

Men earn money not to let women become pigs!

Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Men + Women = 2 Pigs

Wish all the pigs happy forever.

 

[melody]

GROSS World Records!

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely
insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and
projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1 inch.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is
Khoona.
It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of
a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is
believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato
juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump.'

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal
fluid.
He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4 in) and the
greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2 in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially
recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

 

[melody]

Glad To Be A Man And A Woman!

I'm Glad I'm A Man!

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

And now it's time for a rebuttal

I'm Glad I'm A Woman!

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

 

[melody]

The bridge groom carried his bride over the threshold
and into the honeymoon suite.

They had taken off all their clothes when, suddenly,
the sweet young girl began to tremble.

What's the matter, honey? he asks in a concerned voice.

She was now having some serious spasms. "I'm having an
epileptic seizure", she said.

The groom thought about it for a minute, then picked up
the hotel phone and called the bell captain for help. Four
bellboys came rushing into the room.

Quick! You grab her arms, the young man shouted to two
of them. To the other two, he directed, Grab her legs and
hold her tight!

He leaped into the bed on top of her, inserted his dick into
her, and then shouted, Okay, fellas, let her go now!!

 

[melody]

A man has just jacked off and is staring
at the sperm in his hand thoughtfully.

He thinks, "you could have been a great person.
Perhaps a scientist, a best selling author, even
the president of the United States."

He then raises his hand and licks it clean.
"Tell you what, I'll give you another chance."

 

[melody]

A woman came to the psychiatrist worried.

"Doctor," she said, "I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."

 

[melody]

There was a man and a woman having sex one day
when suddenly their condom flew out the window.
The woman ran outside to go get it when to her
surprise a small boy was holding it.

"Hey, I will give you 25¢ if you give that Twinkie to
me," the woman said to the boy.

"OK," said the boy.

The woman handed the boy a quarter and off he went
to his house, "Mommy! Mommy! A woman just gave
me 25¢ for a Twinkie, but I got a good deal because
I already ate the cream filling!"

 

[melody]

John sat glumly all evening eyeing his wife suspiciously.

Finally, he blurted, "Linda, admit it. You've been sucking off the dog!"

"What?!" she shouted. "How can you say such a thing?"

"I've been watching you two, John answered, every time you yawn, he gets a hard-on!"

 

[melody]

Tasty!

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.

The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink. The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside.

The women says, "fuck me then!"

The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.

The women opens her eyes and asks for it again. The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water.

The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

 

[melody]

A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavour ice cream in the world.""Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavour ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of cunt flavoured ice cream please.""No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick. Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like cunt, it tastes like shit!" The assistant replies, "Of course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks!"

 

[melody]

Purchasing Condoms

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

 

[melody]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

 

[melody]

A blonde girl went to a party with her friend.

She had known him since she was 12.

They got drunk and the man asks her will you marry me? The blonde replies "yes I will".

The next day he woke up in a hotel room after he was drunk last night. He couldn't remember if the blonde girl had said yes or no.

So he called her up nervously and said " I was drunk last night, did you say yes or no."

She replied " Thank god you called me I said yes but I couldn't remember who asked Me"!

 

[melody]

Q: What is the definition of a smart ass?
A: Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you
what flavor it is.

 

[melody]

A woman was walking down the street when a man who was
carrying out a survey stopped her.

"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes
towards sex."

"Really!" said the woman smiling.

"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"

"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got the antenna stuck up your ass"!

 

[melody]

A guy pulls up in his car next to a young kid and opens the window
and says:
"If I give you a sweetie will you come in my car?"
To which the little girl answers:
"If you give me the whole bag I'll come in your face!"

 

[melody]

Two blokes were commenting on a piece of arse that passed them by.
One says, "Shit she's got long legs!"
The other replies, Yep, they go all the way up to the arse and make
a cunt of themselves!"

 

[melody]

The Newlyweds

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the
bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put
those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the
family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same
request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

 

[melody]

When I awoke in the middle of the night to the
scratching on my closet door, it brought back my
old fear of monsters lurking in the dark. Then
I realized it was just the kids trying to get out.

 

[melody]

How to fuck a girl in the ass.

1. Meet a girl
2. Fuck her in the ass.