JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was
not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do.
"No Problem," said the friend, who had just finished watching an Arnold
Schwarzenegger movie. "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up
inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the
difference."

The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom
consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the bed, on the
floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere. She fell
asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the
following note pinned to her pillow:

Dear Jane: Last night was pure
heaven. Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that
performance, I am leaving you forever. P.S. Your pussy is in the sink.

 

[melody]

Q. How did the john know how many times his favorite whore had gotten fucked that night?
A. He drank her douche and counted the lumps as they went down.

Q. What's the definition of gross?
A. Licking the sweat off your grandpa's back as you fuck him in the ass.

Q. What's gross?
A. When you're eating cornflakes, and your brother asks what happened to his scab collection.

 

[melody]

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of "Clits Illustrated".
He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies,
"Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."

 

[melody]

Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!"

"Honey! Let me explain!"

"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"

"Wait a minute! Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"

 

[melody]

Q: What do you call a tampon used by Nazis?
A: A Twatstika.

Q: What is the difference between a faggot and a suppository?
A: There is no difference.

Q: What do you call a fat chic wearing a diaphragm?
A: A 3/4 ton with a box liner.

Q: How can you tell if a girl is a genuine redneck?
A: When she can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know what to spit
and what to swallow.

 

[emailyou]

http://nemoming.blogspot.com/

cool..humor blogs

 

[melody]

Guest Application For Jerry Springer Show

Personal Information:
Name___________ Nickname______________ CB Handle______________
Yore Mama______________ Yore Daddy (if known)________________
Spouse's Name_________________
Relationship to spouse: __Sister __Brother__Mother__Father __Pet
__Aunt __Uncle ___ Several of the above
Occupation: ___Unemployed Mechanic ___Gun Show Dealer___Skinhead
Number of Children in Household___ Number that are yours___
Circle Highest Level of Education: 1 2 3 4 How many times each grade___________
How Far is Your Mobile Home From a Paved Road: ___1mi. __5 mi. ___?
Number of Times You Have Survived a Tornado: ___
Number of Vehicles Owned___ Number on Cement Blocks___ Number Repossessed___
Truck Equipment: ___Gun Rack ___Spit Cup ___Fuzzy Dice ___Rebel Flag
___Naked Woman Mudflaps ___NWO and/or NRA sticker
Weapons Owned: ___Tire Iron ___Pick Handle ___Beer Bottle ___Shotgun
Number of Dogs Owned: ___
Number of Homemade Tattoos:___
Which of the Following Appliances are in your Front Yard:
___Friggerator ___Heatin Stove ___Warsher ___TV ___Freezer
How Many of the Above Appliances Work: ___
Fav-o-rite Recreation: ___Drinkin ___Cow Chip Throwin ___Possum Huntin
___Crawdad Huntin ___Scratchin ___Watchin Wrasslin
If You Can Read, Which Magazines Do You Prefer:
___Soap Opera Digest ___NWA ___Rifle and Shotgun ___NWA
___TV Guide __National Enquirer ___True Confessions
Which Stinks Worse: ___Hogpen ___Outhouse ___Spouse
Can You Spell Your Last Name:___Yup ___Nope
Can You Remember Your Last Name: ___Yup ___Nope
Have You Ever Stayed Sober for More Than One Day: ___Yup ___Nope
Do You Know Any Words with More Than 4 Letters: ___Yup ___Nope
Which is Correct: ___"I Seed Him" or ___"I Seen Him"
How Many Cartons of Cigarettes Do You Smoke a Day? ___
Math Test: How Many Food Stamps Do the Following Cost?
___Six Pack ___Cigs ___Shotgun Shells ___Whore
Number of Times You've Seen: ___a UFO ___ Elvis___Elvis in a UFO
Health Questionaire: Which of the Following Do You Have?
___Head Lice ___B.O. ___Crabs ___Runny Nose___Boils
Can You Remember the Last Time You Bathed? ___Yup___Nope
Color of Teeth: ___Yellow ___Brown ___Black ___N/A
I hereby swear this is the trooth and sign my "X" on _________20__

 

[melody]

The Guide to Cyber Sex:
an actual chat conversation

Tj: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Tj: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Kmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of Ketchup on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Tj: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Tj: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Tj: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Tj: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Tj: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Tj: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Tj: Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair.
Tj: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Tj: I'm so sorry. Really
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Tj: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Tj: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Tj: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Tj: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Tj: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Tj: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Tj: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Tj: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Tj: I'm drying the cup and putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. It's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Tj: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Tj: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.
Tj: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Tj: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Tj: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Tj: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Tj: I'm feeling for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Tj: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Tj: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Tj: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Tj: I'm can't!
Sweetheart: What?
Tj: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an shocked look on my face.
Tj: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: Nevermind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Tj: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Tj: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire!
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Tj: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: [logged off]

 

[melody]

Marketing strategies explained more!!

1. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and
then say:”By the way, I’m rich. Will you
“Marry Me?” - That’s Public Relations… “

2. You’re at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says:”You are very rich!
“Can you marry ! me?” - That’s Brand Recognition. ..”

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you
a nice hard slap on your face. - “That’s Customer Feedback…”

4. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she
introduces you to her husband. - “That’s demand and supply gap…”

5. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say anything, another person come
and tell her: “I’m rich. Will you marry me?” and she
goes with him - “That’s competition eating into your market share…”

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say: “I’m rich, Marry me!” your
wife arrives. - “That’s restriction for entering new markets…”

 

[melody]

A month overdue

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

"I have great news, I 'm a month overdue. I think we are going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from BSES (Bombay Suburban Electricity Supply) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ?

Yes...... speaking

BSES guy, "You! re a month overdue, you know!"

How do YOU know? stammers the young woman.

Well, maam, its in our files! says the BSES guy .

What are you saying? Its in your files ..... HOW?

Yes, We have a system of finding out whos overdue

GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.

Madam, I am sorry...... I am following order, I have to inform you are overdue I know that let me talk to my husband about this tonight, he will speak to your company tomorrow

That night, she tells her! husband about the visit, and he mad as a bull, rushes to BSES office the next day morning.

Whats going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours? the husband shouts.

Just calm down, says the lady at the reception at BSES, its nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.

PAY you? and if I refuse?

Well, in that case, sir, we have no option but to cut yours off.

And what would my wife do then? the husband asks.

I dont know. I guess ! she would have to use a candle!!!

 

[melody]

Fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

 

[melody]

Laughing will increase your life span..

1) Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints", But now they are called.. "IT professionals"

2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt : "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"

3) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present.. Its just that,
One loves too much, And the other loves too many,

4) Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

5) Philosophy of life
At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

6) What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach
When pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams..!

7) Useful
Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer"
No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

8) Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"
Girl: That's good, Give me 12 of them..!

9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an... opening for you..! "
Applicant: What is it?
Interviewer: Its called the "door..!"

10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee..... Leave them to us.

 

[melody]

Bless me God

Man: Bless me God!

My son is drug addict,

My daughter is a call girl,

My wife is a gambler.

God: Is anything positive in ur family ?

Man : I'm HIV positive.

 

[melody]

Factory Workers

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men?
Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?“

“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied.

“It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”

 

[melody]

Modern Students

Teacher: U idiots! At your age Einstein ranked first in class.
What about you?

Student: Sir at your age Hitler committed suicide..!
What about you?

 

[melody]

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

“I’d love an ice-cold beer right now,” he told the genie.

Poof! A beer appeared.

Next, the man said, “I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women.”

Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

“Oh, man this is the life,” the guy thought. “I wish I never had to work again.”

And poof! He was back at his desk in the government office!

 

[melody]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years…..

 

[melody]

A man got 2 wishes from GOD.

He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.

Next moment, he had the Best Wine
and Mother Teresa next to him.

Moral : BE SPECIFIC

 

[melody]

A sweet kissful letter

A letter has been sent from a husband :

Dear Sweetheart :

I can’t send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, your husband.

Your Loving Husband.

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month’s milk.

2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items.

5. Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don’t worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope that I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, please advise.

Your Sweet Heart.

 

[melody]

An Engineer in hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Devil up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Devil replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, lets see what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake “he should never have gone down there, send him up here.”

Devil says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Devil laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right and just where are you going to get a lawyer, when all of them are here”.