JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The Bodyless Head

A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One final push and the baby
comes out. Above the baby's pitiful first cries, she hears the horrified
gasps of the doctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushed away
before she can see it.

Later, a doctor comes in and says, "I'm afraid there's a...problem with
your new son. It seems he was born without a body."

She stammers, "You mean..."

"Yes," the doctor says, "he's just a head. But, on the bright side, he's
a perfectly healthy and normal head."

The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting her son (now a
teenaged head) on a table upstairs near the window so he can look out at theother children playing. One day, the phone rings. It's the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been a horrible accident, and a young man has been completely decapitated. There is a good chance that her son's head can be attached to the victim's body!

She drops the phone, runs upstairs to where her son has rested most of
his life and says, "Son! I have the most wonderful surprise for you!"

The kid looks up at her and replies, "I hope it's not another hat."

(from me - how did they know it was a boy?)

Paul says they attached the head to the body but the body was
rejected and died. The boy was so excited with the possibilities that he
asked them to try again with another donor body but both died in
surgery. He should have quit while he was a head.

 

[melody]

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Dave, you're a vet..."

 

[melody]

Blonde Moments!

The blonde teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular local
disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open
house. When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he
took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants. "I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered.
"I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her
mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky,Bobby, Tina and the whole gang
down at Danny's Pizzeria."

 

[melody]

A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

With her foot caught in the stirrups, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the horse.

 

[melody]

Two drunk blondes are stumbling home one night. One of the girls has to take a piss and stumbles off into a field.

After quite sometime the girl waiting goes looking for the other girl. She finds her jerking off a horse. When she asked her what she was doing, she replied, "Hang on I think I might be able to get us a ride home."

 

[melody]

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dumb ass, it's me!"

 

[melody]

A blonde and a brunette are walking through a park.
The brunette, looking at the ground, says, "Look! A dead bird!"
The blonde looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

 

[melody]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back."

 

[melody]

The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

 

[melody]

A blonde's house is on fire. She runs outside and yells, "Help me! My house is on fire! What do I do?!"

Someone else yells, "Call 911!"

The blonde yells back, "What's the number?"

 

[melody]

There once was a girl from Nantucket.
Her boyfriend was about to up-chuck it.
she said with a grin,
wipe that cum from your chin.
I told you it's my job to suck it!
-----
There was a young rector of Kings
Whose mind was on heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire
For a boy in the choir
Whose ass was like jelly on springs.
-----
There was a young lady of Wheeling
Who professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
-----
The nipples of Sarah Sarong,
When excited, were twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.
-----
Two lesbians north of the town
Made sixty-nine love on the ground.
Their unbridled lust
Leaked out in the dust
And made so much mud that they drowned.
-----
There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
But buggered and sucked her,
And left her to pay for the room.
-----
There was an old maid from Camelot,
Who survived on frog shit and snot,
When she grew tired of these,
She'd eat the green cheese,
That she scraped from the sides of her twat.
-----
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pigshit and snot.
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat.
-----
There was an old whore from the Azores,
Who's cunt was so covered with sores,
That the dogs in the street,
Wouldn't eat the green meat,
That hung from festoons in her drawers.
-----
There once was a woman named Jess
Bisexual, she would confess
She loved a good dick
but pussy she'd lick
and leave both a wet gooey mess
-----
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"

 

[melody]

Simple Rules Women Don't Know

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's down, put it up.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Don't make us guess.
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than cats. Period.
11. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to
like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and
your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Share the bathroom.
20. Share the closet.
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
26. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
27. It is neither your interest nor ours to take any quiz together.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done, not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

 

[melody]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating an asshole!!", she screams.

 

[melody]

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was
extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a
hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as
his teacher.

In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the
sight of Johnny standing right over her.

He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep.

She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said
okay.

Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she
said "NO"

"But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."

So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do."

A few minutes later the teacher says "OH. that's not my bellybutton."

And Johnny says, "that's not my finger."

 

[melody]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns
to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to
do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn
the headlights off before get to the driveway. I shut off
the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off
before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and
pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into
bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying
out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously
taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway,
slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the
closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout,
"WHO'S HORNY?" and she acts like she is asleep every time!!

 

[melody]

The Little Rabbit

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles
upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do
this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel
so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off
running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says,
"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come
running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so
good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then
tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the
rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your
health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so
good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat up the
rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him
and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us
all!"

The lion answers, "I'm fed up with him, making me run round the forest
like an idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

 

[melody]

If men got pregnant:

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay Children would be kept in hospital until toilet trained Natural childbirth would become obsolete All methods of birth control would be 100 per cent effective Men would be eager to talk about commitment There would be a cure for stretch marks They'd serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes Men wouldn't think twins were so cute Sons would have to be home from dates by 10 p.m.

 

[melody]

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says.

''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

 

[melody]

Wow! Technology

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...

Like a telephone... On his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

 

[melody]

NET ADDICT

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!"(FOR DIAL UP'S)

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.

18. You say......."Where did the time go??"

19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21.You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.

23. You think faster than the computer.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.

25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

26. You're on the phone and say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP".

29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.

30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.