JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?"

Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."

The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?"

Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush!"

"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks

"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."

 

[melody]

The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he's been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.

The sheriff ditfully arrests the fag and says to him, "ok homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!"

The fag says, "I'll need at least two hours."

 

[melody]

Two firefighters are buttfucking in a smoke filled room.

The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"

The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."

The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth"

The Firefighter says "How do you think this shit got started?

 

[melody]

Q: What do you call a gay bar with no place to sit?
A: A fruit stand.

Q: Why do gay men make good linemen?
A: They love penetrating the defense.

Q: What do you call a fart in the men''s room of a gay bar?
A: A love call.

Q: Why did the gay criminal keep going back to prison?
A: He loved it in the can.

 

[melody]

Two gay guys were in the shower together when one looked down and saw a puddle of white liquid.

He said to the other man What did I tell you about farting in the shower?

 

[melody]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."

The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I''ve just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I''ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn''t anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

 

[melody]

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 goverment employees in one room?
100 people that don''t do dick!

Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
Only came in male boxes.

Why do so many gays have moustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

How can you make a gay man scream twice?
Fuck him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.

 

[clanzkiller]

grrr....18sx :D
wonder how u get sooooooooo much jokes....
well it brighten my day up...thanks mel :D

 

[melody]

grrr....18sx :D
wonder how u get sooooooooo much jokes....
well it brighten my day up...thanks mel :D

 

[melody]

Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis...even a thought can raise it.

Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.

Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!

Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.

Q. What's red and blue with a long string?
A. A smurfette with her period.

Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A. A pubic hair.

Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face.

Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!

Q. What's a necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex?
A. They just kinda lay there.

Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

Q. Why did the lumber truck stop?
A. To let the lumber jack off.

Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.

Q. Hey, what's sticky, white and falls from the sky?
A. The cumming of the Lord

Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.

Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q. What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.

Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.

Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie

Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!

Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees!

Q. What do you call three lesbians in bed together?
A. Ménage é twat.

Q. What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
A. Speed bumps.

 

[melody]

Viagra: Dear Diary

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much
to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding
night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's
impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know.
Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he
actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday,
I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market
that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him
that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were
on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced
his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other
than his mood.

Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's
doing that.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like
a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But,
have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been
so happy.

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday,
instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a
weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take
so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra
down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky
all over....

Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with
a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued
to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning
my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me!
Even yawning has become dangerous ...

Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's
like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk
and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill
the bastard.

Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working.
I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to
make him more horny. Help me.

Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to
everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and
our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told
him to go and fuck himself and he did.

Day 16.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope
the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try
stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference......Christ !!! here he comes again.

Day 18.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front
of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and
expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.

 

[melody]

Tarzan: "What name?"
Jane: "Jane."
Tarzan: "What whole name?"
Jane: "Cunt."

 

[melody]

Vincenzo and Luigi were sitting on a bench in a New York park. "Hey," said Vincenzo , "do you likea biga fat woman with a longa, greasy, straggly hair?"
"No, I'ma no likea dat" replied Luigi
. "Den, you likea da woman stinka bad a garlic alla da time?" inquired Vincenzo .
"Nope, I'ma no lika dat kind either!" said Luigi
. "You musta likea da woman with a big, thicka hips anna varicose veins, no?" asks Vincenzo .
"Notta me!" answered Luigi .
"How about da woman witha da big ass and hairy arms," asks Vincenzo
"Never lika dat!" answered Luigi
. "Den you Guinea bastard, whya you keepa fuc*in' my wife?" Vincenzo asked.

 

[melody]

A Sweet Story

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know ..there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?... "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT SH!T IS OVER...GOT IT, A$$HOLE?"

....and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

 

[melody]

Michael Jackson in a car pulls up to a schoolboy and says, “Hey little
boy, I’ll give you $100 if you let me spank your sweet tight little ass.”
“Like fucking hell," he replied, "I’ll give you $200 if you let me
smash your old useless dick with a hammer.”
_____

Michael Jackson pulls up in his car beside a little boy. Holding
a bag full of sweets, he says: "Hey kid, if I give you a piece
of candy, will you come in my car?"
"Heck Michael, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

 

[melody]

A naked old whore walked into a bar and asked the bartender for
a drink. "OK, but it genuinely looks like you won't be able to pay
for it."
The whore pointed to her well-used, flabby-lipped pussy, and
said, "Will this do?" blinking her long, false eyelashes at him.
"Don't you have anything smaller?"

 

[melody]

Q: How did the gynecologist know his patient was horny?
A: He read her lips.

Q: Have you heard about the new extra-large tampon?
A: It's called a "Tightwad."

Q: Why do dogs always stick their noses in blondes' twats?
A: Because they can get away with it.

Q: What are a blonde's three lies?
A: 1. You're the best.
2. You're the biggest.
3. It doesn't always smell that way.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde
says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

 

[melody]

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape...

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to"

 

[melody]

The 100 Rules Of Porn Movies
Part 2

26. Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first time.

27. Married men love fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men, and they will jump at the chance to let thatfantasy come true.

28. A woman whose male lover has spurned her will
invariably be a dyke by the end of the story.

29. Who needs condoms?

30. Young males get hard almost immediately after ejaculation (if they
indeed lose erection at all) and are able to perform on multiple women
(i.e. their own mothers and the mother's three female friends).

31. If a woman has small breasts, she will always have dark, pointy, otherwise amazing nipples.

32. She also makes up for her deficiency by having a
tight ass and a ravenous sexual appetite.

33. A backrub ALWAYS leads to something else.

34. If a married man's wife has a sister, the sister
will be a bombshell sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just
aching for a chance to leap in the sack with him.

35. Anyone caught in the act of masturbation won't stop, but will instead continue to completion.

36. Older men always prefer younger girls, no matter how
air-headed they may be.

37. Older women are desirable only to younger,
teenaged boys... but fortunately, those older women are more than
willing to teach those teenage boys how to do it right.

38. Parents routinely leave porn tapes and sex toys lying around the house for babysitters and children to find.

39. Videos enhance sex. A sexually conservative wife/girlfriend will immediately become an insatiable slut after watching a hot tape.

40. No sexually active teenagers have zits.

41. If a guy has a female friend who's a stripper, he'll end up
backstage doing all her co-workers.

42. If a girl has a male friend who's a stripper, she'll end up backstage getting gangbanged.

43. Long hair never gets in the way.

44. Your girlfriend's mum is a carbon copy
of her daughter and she's just as horny.

45. And your best friend's mum
looks like a sex goddess and hasn't had a good fuck in years.

46. The guy can always stick it into the girl without missing or fumbling, even the first time.

47. Even after drinking.

48. When visiting married friends not seen since high school/college, you must first smoke pot and get a good buzz going before fucking your friend's wife in the ass while your own spouse wolfs down gallons of your buddy's come like it was Diet Coke.

49. Flashback mode seems to work best here.

50. Men never lose their erection in the middle of things.

 

[melody]

Gentlemen Quiz

Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.