really good stuff you have here bro
keep em coming :top:
keep em coming :top:
JeSt fOr LaUgHs...
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Raise In Salary
Salary increase
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
the following reasons
> I do physical labor
> I work at great depths
> I plunge headfirst into everything I do
> I do not get weekends off or public holidays
> I work in a damp environment
> I don't get paid overtime
> I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
> I work in high temperatures
> My work has the potential to expose me to contagious
> diseases
Reply
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for
the following reasons:
> You do not work 8 hours straight
> You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
> You do not always follow the orders of the management team
> You do not stay in your allocated position, and often Visit other areas
> You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
> You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
> You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
Such as wearing the correct protective clothing
> You'll retire well before reaching 65
> You're unable to work double shifts
> You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed
the days work
> And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags
>
> Sincerely
> The Management
___________
Animal Instincts
A woman is very distressed because she has not been married
very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's
cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little
this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good
luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her
husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking
his balls, and I backed over him with the car."
Laws Around The World
> In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with
> animals, but the
> animals must be female. Having sexual relations with
> a male animal is
> punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
>
> Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a
> woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during
> the examination. He
> may only see their reflection in a mirror.
>
>Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
> corpse. This also
> applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the
> deceased must be covered
> with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A
> brick??)
>
> The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
> decapitation. (Wonder
> which head?)
>
> There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
> Countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege
> of having sex for the first time...
Reason: under
> Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a
> minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even
> comes close to this?)
>
> In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
> husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
> desired.(Ah! Justice!)
>
> Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but
> only in tropical fish stores.(But of course!)
>
> In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
>
> In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
> woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
> problem that they had to pass this law?)
>
> In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption
> on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?
> ... Not as great as Guam!)
Salary increase
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
the following reasons
> I do physical labor
> I work at great depths
> I plunge headfirst into everything I do
> I do not get weekends off or public holidays
> I work in a damp environment
> I don't get paid overtime
> I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
> I work in high temperatures
> My work has the potential to expose me to contagious
> diseases
Reply
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for
the following reasons:
> You do not work 8 hours straight
> You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
> You do not always follow the orders of the management team
> You do not stay in your allocated position, and often Visit other areas
> You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
> You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
> You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
Such as wearing the correct protective clothing
> You'll retire well before reaching 65
> You're unable to work double shifts
> You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed
the days work
> And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags
>
> Sincerely
> The Management
___________
Animal Instincts
A woman is very distressed because she has not been married
very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's
cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little
this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good
luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her
husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking
his balls, and I backed over him with the car."
Laws Around The World
> In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with
> animals, but the
> animals must be female. Having sexual relations with
> a male animal is
> punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
>
> Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a
> woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during
> the examination. He
> may only see their reflection in a mirror.
>
>Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
> corpse. This also
> applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the
> deceased must be covered
> with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A
> brick??)
>
> The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
> decapitation. (Wonder
> which head?)
>
> There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
> Countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege
> of having sex for the first time...
Reason: under
> Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a
> minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even
> comes close to this?)
>
> In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
> husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
> desired.(Ah! Justice!)
>
> Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but
> only in tropical fish stores.(But of course!)
>
> In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
>
> In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
> woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
> problem that they had to pass this law?)
>
> In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption
> on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?
> ... Not as great as Guam!)
Addicted To Cigars
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, re wrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
aaaaa
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."
aaaaa
I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend last night when she said, "I think my boobs are too small, I'm going to get a boob job."
"Hmm," I replied, "my hands are too small... what do you think I should do?"
"Do you want a hand job?"
She's a keeper.
aaaaa
There once was a husky young Viking
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
Every time he got hot
He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking.
It always delights me at Hank's
To walk up the old river banks.
One time in the grass
I stepped on an ass,
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
Blonde Moments
ASTROLOGY
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says: "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDES ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
IN PAIN
A brunette goes to see her doctor: "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but I hurt all over." "What do you mean?" said the Doc. "Well, if I touch my shoulder here, it hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch my foot here, it hurts." "Tell me," said the Doctor, "Do you dye your hair?" "Yes," she said "I'm really a blonde." "I thought as much, you've broken your finger."
TRACKS
There were two blondes walking in the woods. As they were
walking one of them noticed some tracks on the ground. One
stops the other one and says "Look deer tracks." The other
goes "Those are not deer tracks those are bear tracks." So
they fight about what they are and are not, and the next day
the paper head lines read "Two Blondes Killed By Train".
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, re wrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
aaaaa
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."
aaaaa
I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend last night when she said, "I think my boobs are too small, I'm going to get a boob job."
"Hmm," I replied, "my hands are too small... what do you think I should do?"
"Do you want a hand job?"
She's a keeper.
aaaaa
There once was a husky young Viking
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
Every time he got hot
He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking.
It always delights me at Hank's
To walk up the old river banks.
One time in the grass
I stepped on an ass,
And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
Blonde Moments
ASTROLOGY
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says: "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDES ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
IN PAIN
A brunette goes to see her doctor: "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but I hurt all over." "What do you mean?" said the Doc. "Well, if I touch my shoulder here, it hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch my foot here, it hurts." "Tell me," said the Doctor, "Do you dye your hair?" "Yes," she said "I'm really a blonde." "I thought as much, you've broken your finger."
TRACKS
There were two blondes walking in the woods. As they were
walking one of them noticed some tracks on the ground. One
stops the other one and says "Look deer tracks." The other
goes "Those are not deer tracks those are bear tracks." So
they fight about what they are and are not, and the next day
the paper head lines read "Two Blondes Killed By Train".
Better To Be Female
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We can have sex anytime we want.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls,
and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our
sexuality.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's
pathetic.
We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...and it's much
easier for us to get "some" in the first place.
We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like
complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing
inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers......
Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
Taxis stop for us.
We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a
computer game.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
------
A lawyer walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a drink. As he
was sipping it, he looked over at the woman sitting on the stool
next to his.
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced
him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here, 'Good
Looking', I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place,
in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,
sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it
doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of
college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a
lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
Got It Tough
At six in the morning, the big toe looks at the penis and says,
"Psst! Hey!" The penis stands up and says,
"Yeah?" The toe says, "You know man, I've really got it tough.
Every morning this guy shoves me into a stinking old sock, ties me up
in a dirty old shoe, walks on me all over town, and people step on me
all day long."
The penis says, "Fella, you ain't got no problems at all.
This guy shoves me into a jock strap that's too tight. Then he goes
over to his girlfriend's house, starts messing around with her, and I
get all tense and excited, and I can't move a muscle.
Then he shoves this rubber balloon over my head, locks me in a big
hairy cage, and makes me do push-ups until I get sick and throw up."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A blonde calls the Delta Airlines and asks, "can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York city"?
The agent replies, Just a minute . . .
"Thank you" the blonde says, and hangs up.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Men are like Road Kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell
Sign in the window of a home cookin' restaurant in Phoenix: ;The best
piece of chicken you'll ever get without being a rooster!
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Two headaches and a hard-on
Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads?
They want to measure their intelligence.
Why do blondes stand under light bulbs?
It's the closest they'll come to a bright idea.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A Priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it no matter how
many times he checked around his Parish. Frustrated, he
decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass. From the pulpit,
he asked loudly, "Anyone got a cock?" All the men inside the
Church stood up! "No, I mean, has anyone seen a cock?"
All the women inside the Church stood up. "No, no, no...what
I mean is...has anyone seen MY cock?" All the nuns stood up!
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We can have sex anytime we want.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls,
and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our
sexuality.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's
pathetic.
We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...and it's much
easier for us to get "some" in the first place.
We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like
complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing
inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers......
Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
Taxis stop for us.
We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a
computer game.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
------
A lawyer walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a drink. As he
was sipping it, he looked over at the woman sitting on the stool
next to his.
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced
him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here, 'Good
Looking', I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place,
in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,
sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it
doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of
college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a
lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
Got It Tough
At six in the morning, the big toe looks at the penis and says,
"Psst! Hey!" The penis stands up and says,
"Yeah?" The toe says, "You know man, I've really got it tough.
Every morning this guy shoves me into a stinking old sock, ties me up
in a dirty old shoe, walks on me all over town, and people step on me
all day long."
The penis says, "Fella, you ain't got no problems at all.
This guy shoves me into a jock strap that's too tight. Then he goes
over to his girlfriend's house, starts messing around with her, and I
get all tense and excited, and I can't move a muscle.
Then he shoves this rubber balloon over my head, locks me in a big
hairy cage, and makes me do push-ups until I get sick and throw up."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A blonde calls the Delta Airlines and asks, "can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York city"?
The agent replies, Just a minute . . .
"Thank you" the blonde says, and hangs up.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Men are like Road Kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell
Sign in the window of a home cookin' restaurant in Phoenix: ;The best
piece of chicken you'll ever get without being a rooster!
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Two headaches and a hard-on
Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads?
They want to measure their intelligence.
Why do blondes stand under light bulbs?
It's the closest they'll come to a bright idea.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A Priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it no matter how
many times he checked around his Parish. Frustrated, he
decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass. From the pulpit,
he asked loudly, "Anyone got a cock?" All the men inside the
Church stood up! "No, I mean, has anyone seen a cock?"
All the women inside the Church stood up. "No, no, no...what
I mean is...has anyone seen MY cock?" All the nuns stood up!
Dog's Day
Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.
He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidentally bumped into the table and broke them all."
The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.
The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.
The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy).
Poems About Venus
Was on the good ship Venus,
Lord, you should have seen us.
Our figurehead
Was a whore in bed
and the mast was a raging penis.
~~~~
The Captain of our lugger
Was a filthy bugger.
He wasn't fit
To shovel shit
From one ship to another
~~~~
The First Mate's name was Morgan
By God he was a gorgon
Five time a day
He'd kneel and play
The Captain's sekshal organ
~~~~
The Second Mate was Andy.
He was young and randy.
They boiled his bum
In steaming rum
For cumming in the brandy
~~~~
The ship's dogs name was Rover,
The crew they bowled him over.
They screwed that hound around and round
From Adelaide to Dover.
~~~~
The Bos'n's name was Walker
He was a bleeding corker.
The dirty sod
Had been at quad
For dalliance with a porker
~~~~
The cabin boy was Tripper
He was a deadly nipper
He stuffed his ass
With broken glass
And circumsized the skipper
~~~~
The Captain's wife, named Mabel,
To fuck was never able.
So the dirty shits
Nailed her tits
Onto the chart room table
~~~~
The Captain had a daughter
Who fell into the water.
Her squeals revealed
A school of eels
Had found her sekshal quarter
~~~~
When we reached out station
We found to our elation
The ship had sunk
In a sea of spunk
From mutual masturbation.
Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.
He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidentally bumped into the table and broke them all."
The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.
The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.
The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy).
Poems About Venus
Was on the good ship Venus,
Lord, you should have seen us.
Our figurehead
Was a whore in bed
and the mast was a raging penis.
~~~~
The Captain of our lugger
Was a filthy bugger.
He wasn't fit
To shovel shit
From one ship to another
~~~~
The First Mate's name was Morgan
By God he was a gorgon
Five time a day
He'd kneel and play
The Captain's sekshal organ
~~~~
The Second Mate was Andy.
He was young and randy.
They boiled his bum
In steaming rum
For cumming in the brandy
~~~~
The ship's dogs name was Rover,
The crew they bowled him over.
They screwed that hound around and round
From Adelaide to Dover.
~~~~
The Bos'n's name was Walker
He was a bleeding corker.
The dirty sod
Had been at quad
For dalliance with a porker
~~~~
The cabin boy was Tripper
He was a deadly nipper
He stuffed his ass
With broken glass
And circumsized the skipper
~~~~
The Captain's wife, named Mabel,
To fuck was never able.
So the dirty shits
Nailed her tits
Onto the chart room table
~~~~
The Captain had a daughter
Who fell into the water.
Her squeals revealed
A school of eels
Had found her sekshal quarter
~~~~
When we reached out station
We found to our elation
The ship had sunk
In a sea of spunk
From mutual masturbation.
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She
promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and
the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like
someone shit in a pine tree."
====================
THERE once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose, You’ve got crabs I suppose."
She said, "Yes and the fuckers are itchin’!"
====================
Q: How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. one to screw in the lightbulb, and another to suck my dick
as I beat my wife!
Q: What's a woman?
A: Something you lie on when your having a fuck.
Q: How do you get a woman off during sex?
A: Push her.
Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head?
A: Partially disabled
====================
There was a young lady from Brewster
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,
But her panties were thin
And my finger slipped in
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.
A fair maid from Cairo called Nur
Was thought incredibly pure
Till we saw her great stunt
To ram up her cunt
A ton and a half of manure.
====================
A Mongoloid husband comes home from work and sits down at the kitchen table, hungry for dinner. Soon enough, his Mongoloid wife puts down in front of him a plate with a piece of meat on it, nothing else.
"Darling, where are the vegetables?" he asks.
"Oh," says his wife, "they haven't got back from school yet!"
promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and
the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like
someone shit in a pine tree."
====================
THERE once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose, You’ve got crabs I suppose."
She said, "Yes and the fuckers are itchin’!"
====================
Q: How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. one to screw in the lightbulb, and another to suck my dick
as I beat my wife!
Q: What's a woman?
A: Something you lie on when your having a fuck.
Q: How do you get a woman off during sex?
A: Push her.
Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head?
A: Partially disabled
====================
There was a young lady from Brewster
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,
But her panties were thin
And my finger slipped in
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.
A fair maid from Cairo called Nur
Was thought incredibly pure
Till we saw her great stunt
To ram up her cunt
A ton and a half of manure.
====================
A Mongoloid husband comes home from work and sits down at the kitchen table, hungry for dinner. Soon enough, his Mongoloid wife puts down in front of him a plate with a piece of meat on it, nothing else.
"Darling, where are the vegetables?" he asks.
"Oh," says his wife, "they haven't got back from school yet!"
HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK.....
When a coworker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to
everyone & you think, "Somebody needs to slap the shit out of
her"...... You need to pray at work.
When someone comes in & announces, "office meeting in 5 mins," & you
think, "what the fuck do they want now?"...... You need to pray at
work.
When your computer is mysteriously turned off & you want to say, "which
one of you sons of bitches turned off my computer?"...... You need to
pray at work.
When you & a coworker are discussing something & a 3rd person comes in &
says, "well at my last office...", & you want to throw a stapler at
him...... You need to pray at work.
When you hear a coworker call your name & the first thing that crosses
your mind is, "what the hell does this bitch want now?" & you try to
hide underneath your desk....... You need to pray at work.
When you are asked to stay late & help do someone else's work & the
first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my
ass!!".......You need to pray at work.
When you're in the elevator & it stops to pick up someone who stood for
5 minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, & you
say "that lazy bastard"..... .You need to pray at work
When you take some vacation time & come back to find a mountain of
paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it & you
think, "sorry ass m#$^% f%&#s"....... You need to pray at work.
If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping,
or flattening someone’s tires that you work with......You need to pray
at work.
If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone
because you know it's going to lead to their life story ........ You
need to pray at work.
~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~ ~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~
Q: What are invisible and smell like dog food?
A: Old people's farts.
Q: What's a woman?
A: Something you lie on when your having a fuck.
Q: What do you call a successful masturbation by a 90 year old man?
A: Miracle whip.
Q: What’s the hardest thing about cooking vegetables in a microwave?
A: Getting the wheelchair through the door
Q: What's dangerous and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.
Q: What are the first symptom of AIDS?
A: A pounding sensation in the arse.
When a coworker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to
everyone & you think, "Somebody needs to slap the shit out of
her"...... You need to pray at work.
When someone comes in & announces, "office meeting in 5 mins," & you
think, "what the fuck do they want now?"...... You need to pray at
work.
When your computer is mysteriously turned off & you want to say, "which
one of you sons of bitches turned off my computer?"...... You need to
pray at work.
When you & a coworker are discussing something & a 3rd person comes in &
says, "well at my last office...", & you want to throw a stapler at
him...... You need to pray at work.
When you hear a coworker call your name & the first thing that crosses
your mind is, "what the hell does this bitch want now?" & you try to
hide underneath your desk....... You need to pray at work.
When you are asked to stay late & help do someone else's work & the
first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my
ass!!".......You need to pray at work.
When you're in the elevator & it stops to pick up someone who stood for
5 minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, & you
say "that lazy bastard"..... .You need to pray at work
When you take some vacation time & come back to find a mountain of
paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it & you
think, "sorry ass m#$^% f%&#s"....... You need to pray at work.
If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping,
or flattening someone’s tires that you work with......You need to pray
at work.
If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone
because you know it's going to lead to their life story ........ You
need to pray at work.
~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~ ~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~
Q: What are invisible and smell like dog food?
A: Old people's farts.
Q: What's a woman?
A: Something you lie on when your having a fuck.
Q: What do you call a successful masturbation by a 90 year old man?
A: Miracle whip.
Q: What’s the hardest thing about cooking vegetables in a microwave?
A: Getting the wheelchair through the door
Q: What's dangerous and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.
Q: What are the first symptom of AIDS?
A: A pounding sensation in the arse.
A Blonde Moment
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss
concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically,
"What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning
I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl.
"Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take
the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to
keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need
anything just let me know."
Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the
blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically
crying!!!!!
He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be
okay??"
"No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my
sister and she said that her mom died too!!"
========
Little Johnny was watching TV with his father while his mother prepared
the dinner in the kitchen.
After a while Little Johnny wanders into the kitchen and asks his mother
"Mummy, are the Dixie Chicks robots?"
"No, dear they aren't, why do you ask?"
"Well, Daddy just said that he'd like to screw the ass off the
Brunette."
=======
Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed,
"I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs four fingers to hold
his."
Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four
fingers."
"I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm peeing on three of them."
=======
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth!
Did you hear about the new Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
=======
You know you're leading a sad life when a nymphomaniac tells you ...
"Let's just be friends."
Bakery Assistant
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread,
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,
Is it raisin for you too?"
No," stammers Steve, "but it's quivering a little
*********'
With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
...“Good grief, look how smart I am!”
Must be where “Smart Ass” came from!
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss
concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically,
"What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning
I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl.
"Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take
the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to
keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need
anything just let me know."
Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the
blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically
crying!!!!!
He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be
okay??"
"No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my
sister and she said that her mom died too!!"
========
Little Johnny was watching TV with his father while his mother prepared
the dinner in the kitchen.
After a while Little Johnny wanders into the kitchen and asks his mother
"Mummy, are the Dixie Chicks robots?"
"No, dear they aren't, why do you ask?"
"Well, Daddy just said that he'd like to screw the ass off the
Brunette."
=======
Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed,
"I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs four fingers to hold
his."
Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four
fingers."
"I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm peeing on three of them."
=======
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth!
Did you hear about the new Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
=======
You know you're leading a sad life when a nymphomaniac tells you ...
"Let's just be friends."
Bakery Assistant
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread,
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,
Is it raisin for you too?"
No," stammers Steve, "but it's quivering a little
*********'
With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
...“Good grief, look how smart I am!”
Must be where “Smart Ass” came from!
Bubba And Billy Bob
Bubba and Billy Bob are walking along the street in Atlanta, and see a sign on a store window which reads,
"Suits: $5.00 each, Shirts: $2.00 each, Slacks: $2.50 each.
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here. We could buy a whole gob of these and take them back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em
to our friends and make a small fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cuz if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant
and won't sell that stuff to us. Now I'll talk in a real slow Georgian drawl so;s they don't know that we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry cleaners"
==========
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become
entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter,
sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello.
Dear Wife, Dear Husband
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.
You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
~~~
An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.
As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way,
a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes.
As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his
raincoat and exposed himself.
"I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not
your stub."
~~~
There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and shithead's.
~~~
When you buy pussy you're not paying for sex, you're paying her to get the fuck out afterward.
~~~
They say..."Love thy neighbor as thy self."
What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?
~~~
WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:
YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES
YOU HAVE NO WORRIES ...
YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU...
YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN...
YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...
YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES...
SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE...
IN THE WRONG F**KING HOUSE!!!!!!!!!
Bubba and Billy Bob are walking along the street in Atlanta, and see a sign on a store window which reads,
"Suits: $5.00 each, Shirts: $2.00 each, Slacks: $2.50 each.
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here. We could buy a whole gob of these and take them back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em
to our friends and make a small fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cuz if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant
and won't sell that stuff to us. Now I'll talk in a real slow Georgian drawl so;s they don't know that we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry cleaners"
==========
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become
entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter,
sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello.
Dear Wife, Dear Husband
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.
You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
~~~
An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.
As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way,
a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes.
As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his
raincoat and exposed himself.
"I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not
your stub."
~~~
There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and shithead's.
~~~
When you buy pussy you're not paying for sex, you're paying her to get the fuck out afterward.
~~~
They say..."Love thy neighbor as thy self."
What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?
~~~
WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:
YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES
YOU HAVE NO WORRIES ...
YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU...
YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN...
YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...
YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES...
SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE...
IN THE WRONG F**KING HOUSE!!!!!!!!!
The Fly And The Elephant
A horsefly kept biting an elephant near her tail. She kept swinging
her trunk, but he was far out of reach.
A little sparrow observed this and flew down and snipped the
horsefly in half.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "Listen, if there's anything I
can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."
The sparrow paused. "Well, ma'am -," he said.
"What is it," said the elephant. "You needn't be shy with me."
"Well," said the sparrow, "the truth is that all my life I wondered
how it would feel to fuck an elephant."
"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!"
The sparrow began to fuck away. Up above them, a monkey got very
excited and started to masturbate.
This shook a coconut loose and it hit the elephant smack on the
head.
"Ouch!" said the elephant.
The sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you,
dear?"
________________________________________
There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start
He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
When I was young and had no sense,
I had a piss on an electric fence,
It tickled my prick, And shivered my balls,
And made me shit in my overalls.
There was a young man from Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born,
He wouldn't have been, If his girlfriend had seen,
That the end of his condom was torn.
A pretty young nun from France,
Decided she'd just take a chance,
She let herself go, For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
The Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more
attractive? Her ankles.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? You
can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. You could eat a bowling
ball if you had to. You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the
gutter and they always come back for more.
What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ? Sorority
girls cost less per score.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? About 40
lbs. How do you equalize the two? Feed the elephant.
How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.
How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on
the bed.
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
What is a sorority girl's mating call...
"I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ?
Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
The Dead Sea
Lake Michigan
Lake Placid
How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.
What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.
How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once
What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage?
Garbage smells better.
Sorority girl attract more flies.
What' the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner?
Nothing. They both suck.
*You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
*You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
*When a vacuum cleaner is full of sh*t, its easy to dump the old bag.
*A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster?
In the morning a rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo", while a
sorority girl says "any-cock'll-do"
Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar?
They are both stuck up cunts.
Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm?
So her boyfriend will think he is coming into money.
What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a
sorority girl?
A prostitute says "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says "You're done
already?", and a sorority girl says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling
beige."
A horsefly kept biting an elephant near her tail. She kept swinging
her trunk, but he was far out of reach.
A little sparrow observed this and flew down and snipped the
horsefly in half.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "Listen, if there's anything I
can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."
The sparrow paused. "Well, ma'am -," he said.
"What is it," said the elephant. "You needn't be shy with me."
"Well," said the sparrow, "the truth is that all my life I wondered
how it would feel to fuck an elephant."
"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!"
The sparrow began to fuck away. Up above them, a monkey got very
excited and started to masturbate.
This shook a coconut loose and it hit the elephant smack on the
head.
"Ouch!" said the elephant.
The sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you,
dear?"
________________________________________
There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start
He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
When I was young and had no sense,
I had a piss on an electric fence,
It tickled my prick, And shivered my balls,
And made me shit in my overalls.
There was a young man from Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born,
He wouldn't have been, If his girlfriend had seen,
That the end of his condom was torn.
A pretty young nun from France,
Decided she'd just take a chance,
She let herself go, For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
The Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more
attractive? Her ankles.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? You
can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. You could eat a bowling
ball if you had to. You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the
gutter and they always come back for more.
What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ? Sorority
girls cost less per score.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? About 40
lbs. How do you equalize the two? Feed the elephant.
How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.
How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on
the bed.
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
What is a sorority girl's mating call...
"I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ?
Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
The Dead Sea
Lake Michigan
Lake Placid
How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.
What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.
How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once
What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage?
Garbage smells better.
Sorority girl attract more flies.
What' the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner?
Nothing. They both suck.
*You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
*You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
*When a vacuum cleaner is full of sh*t, its easy to dump the old bag.
*A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster?
In the morning a rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo", while a
sorority girl says "any-cock'll-do"
Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar?
They are both stuck up cunts.
Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm?
So her boyfriend will think he is coming into money.
What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a
sorority girl?
A prostitute says "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says "You're done
already?", and a sorority girl says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling
beige."
Giuseppi
Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, Ey, Tony! You know who's-a
George Washington?
Tony says, No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?
He says, Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a
United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States,
and become-a U.S.-a citizen.
A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says.
Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?
Tony says, No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?
He says, Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the
United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United
States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.
A guy in the back of the shop yells, Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know
who Fishlips Lorenzo is?
He says, No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?
The guy yells, That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in
night school.
"""""
Two little girls playing with a ball in the garden. The ball
rolls under a nearby bush. One of the little girls crawls under it
to get it out. Unfortunately it's a thorn bush, so she gets a thorn
stuck in her finger.
Crying, she runs indoors shouting Mummy mummy, I've got a thorn
in my finger - get some apple juice!
Mum says: But why do you want apple juice - wouldn't a bandage
be nicer?
The little girl says: Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big
sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it
in cider.
Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, Ey, Tony! You know who's-a
George Washington?
Tony says, No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?
He says, Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a
United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States,
and become-a U.S.-a citizen.
A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says.
Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?
Tony says, No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?
He says, Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the
United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United
States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.
A guy in the back of the shop yells, Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know
who Fishlips Lorenzo is?
He says, No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?
The guy yells, That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in
night school.
"""""
Two little girls playing with a ball in the garden. The ball
rolls under a nearby bush. One of the little girls crawls under it
to get it out. Unfortunately it's a thorn bush, so she gets a thorn
stuck in her finger.
Crying, she runs indoors shouting Mummy mummy, I've got a thorn
in my finger - get some apple juice!
Mum says: But why do you want apple juice - wouldn't a bandage
be nicer?
The little girl says: Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big
sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it
in cider.
An Elderly Couple
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an
apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was
too late, the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers
noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man
had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, Well, we were in the bed making love and he started
moaning and groaning and thrashing around the bed,
panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he
was going.
=======
A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club.
A second man said, Gee, you're fat.
The fat man said, Yeah.
The second man asked, How long has it been since you've seen your dick?
The fat man answered, Long time.
The second man asked, Why don't you diet?
The fat man asks, Why? What color is it now
=======
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing
about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening
until she heard the lady said to the guy, Stop being a scrote.
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, What is a scrote?
Without missing a beat the lady responded,
Short for scrotum.
He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole.
=======
A woman slipped on a throw rug, fell out of a window, and landed in a
trash can. A Frenchman was passing by and walked over. He shook his head
sadly and said, These Americans are so extravagant. She was good for at
least another year.
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an
apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was
too late, the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers
noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man
had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, Well, we were in the bed making love and he started
moaning and groaning and thrashing around the bed,
panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he
was going.
=======
A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club.
A second man said, Gee, you're fat.
The fat man said, Yeah.
The second man asked, How long has it been since you've seen your dick?
The fat man answered, Long time.
The second man asked, Why don't you diet?
The fat man asks, Why? What color is it now
=======
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing
about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening
until she heard the lady said to the guy, Stop being a scrote.
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, What is a scrote?
Without missing a beat the lady responded,
Short for scrotum.
He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole.
=======
A woman slipped on a throw rug, fell out of a window, and landed in a
trash can. A Frenchman was passing by and walked over. He shook his head
sadly and said, These Americans are so extravagant. She was good for at
least another year.
Thing's You Really Didn't Want To Know......
During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12
liter of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with
15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic
hairs.
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently
masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated
and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty
linen basket.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a
cold sore from one of the guests.
Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.
@@@
Sally arrived home from her date on a cloud. She tossed her coat over a chair,
Her purse over the banister; she threw the rest of her clothing around
Her bedroom with abandon.
The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked if she had had a good time.
"Oh," she sighed, "I had a wonderful time!"
"I should guess so," her mother remarked.
"Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling."
Redneck's Birth Control
A redneck took his daughter to the Gynecologist.
They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?
The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc".
"Well, is your daughter sexually active?", asked the Doctor.
"No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother".
During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12
liter of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with
15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic
hairs.
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently
masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated
and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty
linen basket.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a
cold sore from one of the guests.
Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.
@@@
Sally arrived home from her date on a cloud. She tossed her coat over a chair,
Her purse over the banister; she threw the rest of her clothing around
Her bedroom with abandon.
The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked if she had had a good time.
"Oh," she sighed, "I had a wonderful time!"
"I should guess so," her mother remarked.
"Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling."
Redneck's Birth Control
A redneck took his daughter to the Gynecologist.
They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?
The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc".
"Well, is your daughter sexually active?", asked the Doctor.
"No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother".
The Brady Brunch
Here's a little story about the BRADYS
It's gonna put a blush on old Slim SHADY
Mrs. B. explained the SITUATION
"The men have gone to lunch, let's have a celebration"
Alice the maid knew what Carol was implying
Sent Cindy to her room, she ran there CRYING
Then Carol and Alice and Marcia and JAN
Got naked as they laughed and said, "Don't need no MAN!"
Carol hit the bed and said "Who's up for a LICKING"
Jan already had her fingers rubbing and SLICKING
Laid back and let the old lady do her BEST
Alice talked to Marcia while she touched her BREASTS
Carol slurped and smacked on Jan who lied there WIGGLING
Alice played with Marcia and the two were GIGGLING
Then the old maid said, "Let's all get on the TRAIN"
And they fell into place in a pussy CHAIN
Carol ate Jan, while Marcia ate Carol's ASS
Alice opened up a box and got her STASH
Slid a 14 inch dildo up Marcia's BUTT
And Marcia started howling like a wounded MUTT
Pussy filled the air, juices started RUNNING
Jan said "Mom keep going, I think I'm CUMMING"
Alice had her fingers in Marcia's SLOT
Carol said, "All right girls, let's see what you GOT!"
They all started panting, touching, licking, KISSING
The boys never realized what they were MISSING
Sweat poured from them as they got their GROOVE
Then Carol decided to bust a MOVE
She and Jan got down and nailed a sixty-NINER
Alice hooked on Jan and wiggled in BEHIND HER
Then the Whoresome Foursome feasted on the PINK
Lapping up each hot drop that they could DRINK
The wailing got wild, and they started BLUSHING
Felt their hearts go crazy, and their blood start RUSHING
Their bodies got tight and they started to SPASM
Until they all were squealing with multiple ORGASMS
So there's the story of a lady who's got it ALL
Four girls, four guys, she has a BALL
Later that night the horny bitch flashed her LEG
Got into the car and gave it up to GREG
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walked into his office and told his male
co-workers his wife had given him an ultimatum:
until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get
any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be
able to hold out?"
"Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist."
Here's a little story about the BRADYS
It's gonna put a blush on old Slim SHADY
Mrs. B. explained the SITUATION
"The men have gone to lunch, let's have a celebration"
Alice the maid knew what Carol was implying
Sent Cindy to her room, she ran there CRYING
Then Carol and Alice and Marcia and JAN
Got naked as they laughed and said, "Don't need no MAN!"
Carol hit the bed and said "Who's up for a LICKING"
Jan already had her fingers rubbing and SLICKING
Laid back and let the old lady do her BEST
Alice talked to Marcia while she touched her BREASTS
Carol slurped and smacked on Jan who lied there WIGGLING
Alice played with Marcia and the two were GIGGLING
Then the old maid said, "Let's all get on the TRAIN"
And they fell into place in a pussy CHAIN
Carol ate Jan, while Marcia ate Carol's ASS
Alice opened up a box and got her STASH
Slid a 14 inch dildo up Marcia's BUTT
And Marcia started howling like a wounded MUTT
Pussy filled the air, juices started RUNNING
Jan said "Mom keep going, I think I'm CUMMING"
Alice had her fingers in Marcia's SLOT
Carol said, "All right girls, let's see what you GOT!"
They all started panting, touching, licking, KISSING
The boys never realized what they were MISSING
Sweat poured from them as they got their GROOVE
Then Carol decided to bust a MOVE
She and Jan got down and nailed a sixty-NINER
Alice hooked on Jan and wiggled in BEHIND HER
Then the Whoresome Foursome feasted on the PINK
Lapping up each hot drop that they could DRINK
The wailing got wild, and they started BLUSHING
Felt their hearts go crazy, and their blood start RUSHING
Their bodies got tight and they started to SPASM
Until they all were squealing with multiple ORGASMS
So there's the story of a lady who's got it ALL
Four girls, four guys, she has a BALL
Later that night the horny bitch flashed her LEG
Got into the car and gave it up to GREG
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walked into his office and told his male
co-workers his wife had given him an ultimatum:
until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get
any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be
able to hold out?"
"Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist."
A Little Girl's Questions
A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”
What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn’t enough.
What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.
A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina’”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”
A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”
What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn’t enough.
What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.
A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina’”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”
A Little Girl's Questions
A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”
What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn’t enough.
What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.
A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina’”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”
Different Kinds Of Breasts
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised,
answers,
"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a
woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm. In her thirties to forties,
they are like pears, still nice but Hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions."
"Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how
many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles, and
looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his
thirties and forties, it Is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After
his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead
from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!
___________
Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can
guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady,
"If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't the least bit interested."
___________
What's the useless skin around a penis called???
The MAN!
How can you tell if a man is horny?
He's breathing.
Chinese words for pussy: Tongue chow
Chinese words for bad pussy: Tongue chow yuck
__________
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
__________
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:
"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".
The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not
...have curtains...".
And the blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!"
A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”
What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn’t enough.
What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.
A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina’”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”
Different Kinds Of Breasts
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised,
answers,
"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a
woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm. In her thirties to forties,
they are like pears, still nice but Hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions."
"Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how
many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles, and
looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his
thirties and forties, it Is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After
his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead
from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!
___________
Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can
guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady,
"If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't the least bit interested."
___________
What's the useless skin around a penis called???
The MAN!
How can you tell if a man is horny?
He's breathing.
Chinese words for pussy: Tongue chow
Chinese words for bad pussy: Tongue chow yuck
__________
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
__________
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:
"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".
The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not
...have curtains...".
And the blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!"
Who Was More Drunk?
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my Dog!!"
aaaaa
Once upon a time a beautiful independent self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with mum, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so". That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought :
"I don't fucking think so".
aaaaa
Yo mama so slutty, she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone sticks their meat in her.
Yo mama so poor, her face is on the front of a food stamp.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
Yo momma is like a toilet; fat, white, and smells like shit !!
Yo momma is like a bottle of ketchup, she gets turned around, banged, and then she comes out slow.
Your mother is like a doorknob.... everyone gets a turn!
Your mom is like a race car driver, she burns 50 rubbers a day.
Boob Poem
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My Gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my Dog!!"
aaaaa
Once upon a time a beautiful independent self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with mum, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so". That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought :
"I don't fucking think so".
aaaaa
Yo mama so slutty, she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone sticks their meat in her.
Yo mama so poor, her face is on the front of a food stamp.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
Yo momma is like a toilet; fat, white, and smells like shit !!
Yo momma is like a bottle of ketchup, she gets turned around, banged, and then she comes out slow.
Your mother is like a doorknob.... everyone gets a turn!
Your mom is like a race car driver, she burns 50 rubbers a day.
Boob Poem
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My Gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out
Divorce Letter
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last
straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a
new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a
brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went
straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love
me
Anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband
and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P. S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice
when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'
Since my mother
raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice,
I didn't comment .
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from
me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit
my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were
gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
Heather
P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
@@@
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a
note to the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.
Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use
more paper on ass."
The Relationship With Your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When ...
- She puts your dinner on the floor in the Rover Dish.
- The milkman is wearing your bathrobe.
- You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show.
- She starts every sentence with the words ...
"To whom it may concern."
- Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident."
- The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit.
- Her mother looks at you and starts laughing.
- You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking it.
- Your favorite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet.
- All of your shirts have a target painted on them.
- People are already referring to her as the "widow."
- You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation.
- Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads ...
"Joe's Place."
@@@
A young boy was in the shower with his grandfather and asked him if
grandma looked the same as they did between her legs. Grandpa said, "No
sonny, when she was young it looked like a peach with fuzz on it and
now
it looks like a cow turd that a wagon wheel has run through."
@@@
A guy got his date out on a country road and pretended to run out of
gas hoping to make out.
She wasn't going for it and said she had a $100 bill in her purse and
she'd buy gas, but he'd have to walk to town to get it.
He said he had to pee first. While he was peeing she decided to light a
match near the gas neck to see if there was any gas in there.
There was a big explosion and she called out to him "Honey, help me
find my purse, it's got my $100 in it!" He said "Hell with that.
Help me find my right hand, it's got my dick in it!"
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last
straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a
new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a
brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went
straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love
me
Anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband
and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P. S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice
when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'
Since my mother
raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice,
I didn't comment .
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from
me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit
my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were
gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
Heather
P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
@@@
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a
note to the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.
Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use
more paper on ass."
The Relationship With Your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When ...
- She puts your dinner on the floor in the Rover Dish.
- The milkman is wearing your bathrobe.
- You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show.
- She starts every sentence with the words ...
"To whom it may concern."
- Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident."
- The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit.
- Her mother looks at you and starts laughing.
- You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking it.
- Your favorite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet.
- All of your shirts have a target painted on them.
- People are already referring to her as the "widow."
- You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation.
- Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads ...
"Joe's Place."
@@@
A young boy was in the shower with his grandfather and asked him if
grandma looked the same as they did between her legs. Grandpa said, "No
sonny, when she was young it looked like a peach with fuzz on it and
now
it looks like a cow turd that a wagon wheel has run through."
@@@
A guy got his date out on a country road and pretended to run out of
gas hoping to make out.
She wasn't going for it and said she had a $100 bill in her purse and
she'd buy gas, but he'd have to walk to town to get it.
He said he had to pee first. While he was peeing she decided to light a
match near the gas neck to see if there was any gas in there.
There was a big explosion and she called out to him "Honey, help me
find my purse, it's got my $100 in it!" He said "Hell with that.
Help me find my right hand, it's got my dick in it!"
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