JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Sex On Mars

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

The mortician calls Mrs. Banley, and says, "Excuse me Mrs. Banley, but I can't seem to close the lid to your husband's coffin because he has a huge erection." To which she replies, "Why don't you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That's the only hole in town it hasn't been in."
*A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
*I've never gone to bed with an ugly man, but I've woken up with a few.
*Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

*Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."


Important News For Women On Sex And Health...

~*~ Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.

~*~ If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five
porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

~*~ A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.

~*~ Every ten minutes of love-making is equivalent to thirty minutes on
the treadmill.

~*~ Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

~*~ Intercourse prevents divorce.

~*~ Regular screwing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of
brain cells.

~*~ Sex eliminates headaches.

~*~ Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard,"
triples your chances of getting into heaven.

~*~ Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your
lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

Two men were discussing how tight ass cold their wives were regarding
sex. The first fellow says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water
in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice."

The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs
the furnace kicks in!"

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

First soft drink maker

Q: Who was the first soft drink maker?
A: Adam-He made Eve's cherry pop

First carpenter

Q: who was the first carpenter?
A: Eve- she made Adams banana stand

The logo

Q: What's the logo for the new Polish tampon?
A: "We may not be number 1, but were still up there!"

The earthquake

Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.

 

[melody]

Mexican Words Of The Day In A Sentence

1. *Cheese*
Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to
read so I shoulder.

4. *Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home, wondering where
I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her,
Honey, harassment nothing to me".

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were having a very interesting
conversation and it got around to their daughters. The brunette said, "I
went in my daughter's room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes,
I didn't even know she smoked!" The red head said, "I went in my
daughter's room and found a half-empty bottle of vodka! I didn't even
know she drank!" Then the blonde burst out and said, "I went in my
daughter's room and found a pack of condoms, half-empty, I didn't even
know she had a penis!"

Old Navy Buddies

Ray and Bubba, two old Navy buddies, are on leave and decide to go to
Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer, so
Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his
wife, Linda-Lou, to show Ray her best Southern hospitality.
She agrees.
Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Ray and Linda-Lou screwing
right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yells, "What are you doing
Linda-Lou?"
She replies, "You told me to show Ray my best Southern hospitality."
Bubba then says, "Well, girl, arch your back! Poor Ray's balls are on
the floor!"

======

Thought for the day!
Handle every situation like a dog.
If you can't Eat it or Screw it.
Piss on it and Walk Away

======

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a
policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." "And who is going to give a lecture at this
hour?" the cop asked. "My wife."

=======

A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.
...Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
Whereupon the blonde responded, "What else you gonna name watch dogs?"

 

[melody]

WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright
side, it's really good pay.

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the
tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!

Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about
it... She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder? What the hell was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you ... I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed in
Hell till I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to
ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... would you like to
take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married. But not to you.

Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you .... it's almost like you're here.

.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But then they go, they
take your house and car with them.

A Farmer I Know Named O'Doole
Has A Long And Incredible Tool.
He Can Use It to Plow,
Or To Diddle a Cow,
Or Just As A Cue Stick For Pool.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for suck here.

.:~*~:.

WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over
the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.

 

[melody]

Vibrators vs Men!!!

Vibrators are better then men because ...

A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."

Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv

Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!

When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.

It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.

We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.

Position is your choice, not his.

It always is hard.

It doesn't leave a mess behind.

You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.

It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.

It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.

They don't get tired after the first time

They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.

Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.

Safe sex without a rubber

A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !

As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going!(while you keep coming and coming!)

Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!

They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.

You can show it off to your friends.

They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one

It doesn't leave a wet spot.

It can be stashed away in a drawer.

It doesn't have a mother!!

It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.

You know exactly where it's been.

Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.

They never come before you do.

***********

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?
In France they say "It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"

Most Romantic, Least Romantic

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme
with the MOST romantic first line... but the LEAST romantic second line.

1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

2. Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

10. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

11. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

12. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

**************************

There was a young student of Trinity,
Who shattered his sister's virginity.
He buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother;
And took double honors in Divinity.


There was a young fool named Haynes,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.

The jury convicted poor Dolly
Of a crime called sexual folly.
Though she proved that her rape
Was performed by an ape,
What she bore looked more like a collie.

 

[melody]

HORSE RACE

LINE UP AND ODDS

In lane 1. Passionate Lady @ 2 to1
In lane 2. Bare Belly @ 4 to 1
In lane 3. Silk Panties @ 8 to 1
In lane 4. Conscience @ 100 t0 1
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts @ 10 to 1
In lane 6. Clean Sheets @ 25 to 1
In lane 7. Thighs @ 15 to 1
In lane 8. Big Dick @ 2 to 5
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom @ 12 to 1
In lane 10. Merry Cherry @ 50 to 1

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:

It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE TURN

Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Silk Panties and Jockey shorts are no longer in the picture
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE STRETCH:

It's Big Dick taking charge
Passionate Lady continues to take all Big Dick can offer.
Bare Belly buckles under the pressure
As Thighs are forced wide

AT THE FINISH

It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head
Bare Belly shows
Thighs continue to fall back
Heavy Bosom pulls up
And Clean Sheets never had a chance.

===========

The night before her wedding, Wendy talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to screw, mother," Wendy interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna."

 

[melody]

Crash Landing

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced
" Please prepare for a crash landing ".
The first lady put on all her jewelry . Surprised by this the other
ladies questioned her actions.
The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see
that I am rich and will rescue me first.
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her
top and bra. Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well
when they come to rescue us they will see my great tits and will take
me first.
The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her
pants and panties.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned,
well they always search for the black box first.
uuuuu
There was a guy from Nantucket
He told his wife to suck it
When he didn't cum
She said he was dumb
And hit him upside the head with a bucket.

There once was a man named Vic
Who pleasured himself with a stick
He once got it stuck
And said "what the fuck?"
And now there's no room for a prick!
uuuuu
One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing. The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So the little boy left it at that.
A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?" The parents both reply yes.

The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth.

Men Are Just Happier People--

`What do you expect from such simple creatures?
`Your last name stays put.
`The garage is all yours.
`Wedding plans take care of themselves.
`Chocolate is just another snack.
`You can be President.
`You can never be pregnant.
`You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
`You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
`Car mechanics tell you the truth.
`The world is your urinal.
`You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
`You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
`Same work, more pay.
`Wrinkles add character.
`Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
`People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them.
`The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
'New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
`One mood all the time.
`Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
`You know stuff about tanks.
`A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
`You can open all your own jars.
`You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
`If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
`Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
`Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
`You almost never have strap problems in public.
`You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
`Everything on your face stays its original color.
`The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
`You only have to shave your face and neck.
`You can play with toys all your life.
`Your belly usually hides your big hips.
`One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
`You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
`You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
`You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
`You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
`No wonder men are happier."

 

[melody]

WHAT A GUY SHOULD NOT SAY AFTER SEX

"I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

"Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

"How come it's so BIG in there?"

"You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"

"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

(Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

(Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

"You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

"My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

"Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

"Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

"I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

"I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

"Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

"I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"

"I've been getting these little blisters lately....."

"You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

"You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
__________

There was a young woman named Jeannie
Who sobbed to her date, "You're a meanie".
You claim you're a stud
But, oh, what a dud!
Your prick is a real teeny-weeny.
__________

There was a young whore from Kilkenny,
Who charged two fucks for a penny,
For half of that sum,
You could bugger her bum,
An economy practiced by many

Beer, The Greatest Invention In History

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE... you know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy says "I'm a DINK... you know, Double Income No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied:

"I'm a WIFE...you know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

 

[melody]

Tourette's Syndrome

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into
The most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck sucking
Arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could
You please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I
Will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks,
'Are you the f*cking manager of this b*stard place?'

'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if
You would refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a
Private restaurant'.

'F*ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f*cking piano?'

'Pardon?' says the manager.

'F*cking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of
Shit, show me your c*nting piano.'

'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job'
And he shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'

'Of course I f*cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the
Most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the
Manager has ever heard.

'That's superb. What's it called?'

'I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept
Hurting My Dick,' replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any
Jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo
The manager has ever heard.

'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'

'I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls
Caught In The Soap Drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any
Romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking
Melody the manager has ever heard,
'And what's this called?' asks the manager.

'As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off
Your Hairy Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers
Him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his
Songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one
Night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has
Ever laid his eyes on.

She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost
Falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little
'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her
Ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open,
Sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is
Dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the
Gents to masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears
The manager's voice.

'Where's that b*stard pianist?'

He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs
Back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly,
Sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and
Whispers in his ear,

'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers
And dripping spunk on your shoes?'

'Know it?' the bloke replies 'I f*cking wrote it.'

Kenny, Stinko Drunk

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed!!!

@@@

A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his
mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she
gets pregnant." A few days later, after pondering this for some time,
the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the
man ever get his penis back?

Paul - yes - but women like to keep a hold on the man's balls indefinitely!

 

[melody]

It Feels Good

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife, "Honey, I
got a new secretary, and imagine what happened! She's got a red and
white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team.
Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good." The next day when they
come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man say, "Fantastic!
It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You
know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"
The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his
wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?" She says, "Oh,
nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two
inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it
feels good!"

@@@

A guy walks into a whore house and says, "I have been out at sea for a whole
fucking year, I want the wildest craziest whore you've got!"

The madam says, "that would be Hurricane Helga up in 4B."

So the guy goes up and knocks on 4B. The door suddenly opens and he is
yanked inside.
The lady in the room starts screaming at the top of her lungs in his ear.

"WHAT YOU HEAR IS THE WIND OF HURRICANE HELGA!"

She then grabs him and throws him on the bed, strips off her clothes, jumps
naked up on the bed straddling him and begins to jump up and down "WHAT YOU
FEEL IS HURRICANE HELGA SHAKING THE GROUND BENEATH YOU!

Then she sits on his chest and starts whipping him in the face with her huge
tits back and forth, over and over. "WHAT YOU FEEL IS THE FORCE OF HURRICANE
HELGA KNOCKING THE COCONUTS OUT OF THE TREES!"

The guy bolts right out of bed for the door. Hurricane Helga says,
"where are you going sweety?"
"Hey", says the guy, "There's no way that I can fuck in this kind of
weather!"

@@@

A prostitute's nursery rhyme:

One two lets screw,
Three four I'm a whore,
Five six suck the dick,
Seven eight ejaculate,
Nine ten fuck me again.
=====
What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?
"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."
=====
Girl to hungry boyfriend:
If my right leg was afternoon meal & left leg
evening meal what would you prefer?

Boyfriend: Eating between meals

"Oh, no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've
only been going out 9 weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used
to get once a month."

Things To Do In A Department Store:

1. Get the boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when
they are not looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I
think we have a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.

5. Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and
turn the volumes to 10.

6. Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Put M&M's on layaway.

8. Move "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only
invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

10. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why
won't you people leave me alone?"

11. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while
you pick your nose.

12. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes and X-Men.

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

14. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

15. Switch signs on the men's and women's bathrooms.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission
Impossible".

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front.

18. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different
size funnels.

19. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK
ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal
position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

21. Go to the food court, get a soft drink, tell them you don't get out
much and would they put one of those little umbrellas in it.

22. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud ...."Hey we're out of
toilet paper in here!"

===============

These two guys go to a whorehouse.
The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better."
The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what?
Your wife IS better."

 

[melody]

Which Animal?

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture
of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.

No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What
animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up
his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has
stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
"Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up
his/her hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns
like this?"
Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your
father."
Little Johnny shouts out, "I know what it is, it's a Horny Son of a
Bitch."
_________

Future plans

There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and
they were discussing what they would like to be
when birthed and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The
others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?"
He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its
kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."
The others laughed at this and asked "why an
electrician?" He replied, "so I can get some
lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said "I wanna be a boxer." The others
thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full
5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do
you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "so I can
beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming
in here and spitting on us!"
_________

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

A man went into a store to buy some condoms. "That's 1 dollar 15 plus tax," said the store assistant. "I don't need tacks," said the man. "It'll stay up all by itself."

He says, "Come on, honey. I can't remember the last time we made love." She says, "Well I can -and that's why we're not."

 

[melody]

Top 10 Reasons Men Date Bimbos Instead Of Nice Girls

10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.

9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera".

7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet-even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.

5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys'.

4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality - now shut up and finish putting on that French maid outfit.

3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.

2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe that it's eight inches.

and the Number One Reason Men Date Bimbos Instead Of Nice Girls

1. They will put up with you.

@@@

A woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a
package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you
mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"

 

[melody]

Honk For Jesus

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and
saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was
feeling particularly sassy that day after coming from an
exhilarating choir performance, so I bought the sticker and
put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an
uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just
thinking about how wonderful the Lord is and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing
someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I
never would have noticed the light! I found that LOTS of
people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy
behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out
of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO!
Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone
started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all those lovely people. I even
honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must
have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a "sunny beach".

I saw another gentleman waving in a funny way with only his
middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage
grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it
was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well,
I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the
window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson
burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this
religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking
towards me. I bet they wanted to ask me what church I
attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers and drove on
through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that
got through before the light changed again and I felt kind
of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had
shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time
as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
--Grandma

========================================

A guy was walking around the parking lot with his keys in his hand,
A cop pulls up and asks him if there was anything wrong. The guy
replies " They stole my car."
The cop asks him where he saw it last. He says " At the end of my key."
The cop seeing that the guy is plastered, looks him over and notices
that his dick is hanging out of his pants. The cop points this fact
out to him. The guy looks down and says, " Oh shit, they stole my
wife too!"

 

[melody]

HOW A MAN CAN TELL IF A WOMAN HAS PMS:

1. She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

2. She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

3. You ask her what time it is, and she replies, "What do you mean I look fat?!"

4. She makes you sleep on the couch because all the potato chips and cheese
doodles have taken up your side of the bed.

5. She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing
hysterically while riding a broom.

6. Her jeans grow 2 sizes larger while her canine teeth grow 2 inches longer.

7. She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.

8. She retains more water than Lake Superior.

9. She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic
and "chambers one."

10. She buys you a new T-shirt-----with a bulls-eye on the front.
11. You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says,
"All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"

12. She answers every question with the same answer, "Over my dead body!"

13. She's more paranoid than O.J. Simpson in a Bruno Magli shoe store.
14. She looks at you thru her thumb and index finger and makes the I'll
squish your tiny head" gesture.

15. She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

16. She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.

17. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

18. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

19. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

20. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

21. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

22. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

23. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

24. You're counting down the days until menopause.

25. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

26. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

 

[melody]

Dear Baby Doctor

Dear Baby Doctor,
What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be
beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?

A. Your therapist.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet
have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

A. Yes, your bladder.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A. Because you're fatter then they are.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?

A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a
Playboy centerfold?

A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me
in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies,
photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to
nurse.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What are the terrible twos?

A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global
chemical warfare.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What is colic?

A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What are night terrors?

A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant
again.
~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?

A. When the kid is in college.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The guy paled.

"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

 

[melody]

Old Man's Viagra

An elderly couple were at home at the wife called out "So, when are
you going to the doctor"

"I told you, I'll go when I feel like going."

After 3 months of nagging, the old man finally walked into the
doctors office. "Doc," he said, "This is embarrassing, er, I'd like
to
get a prescription for Viagra."

"Not a problem," said the doctor, as he started

"You don't understand," said the old man. "I am almost 90 years old
and I haven't had sex in more than ten years. I only want it to
stick
out a little so when I pee, it doesn't get on my shoes."

@@@

Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front
room. "My God, Henry," she screams, "I know you've had other women,
but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I
think I'm stuck."

@@@

A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said, "Automotive,
aisle
15." The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle
28."

The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."

The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."

The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"

Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10
miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side
lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to
the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we
all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?

A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then
four, then with my whole hand in.
work from side to side until I can get both hands
in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until
it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot
asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs. $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS

======

There was a young lady of Michigan,
Who said, "Damn it! I've got the itch again."
Said her mother, "That's strange,
I'm surprised it ain't mange,
If you've slept with that son-of-a-bitch again."

There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.

 

[melody]

MY Wife's Love

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the
counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a
cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great
cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She
lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to
kinky sex or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at
night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear
and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"

@@@

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife
dressed in a teddy.

"Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want."

So he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.

@@@

A guy walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of
the best whiskey in the house. The bartender proceeds
to fill twelve shot glasses and stares , puzzled, at
the guy as he begins to drink them down, one by one.
As the guy is finishing the eleventh shot, the bartender
asks, "What's the occasion?" The guy says,
"I'm celebrating my first blowjob!", as he finishes off
the last shot.
"Well," says the bartender, "in that case, here have
one on the house " and he fills another shot glass.
"No thanks," says the guy, "If twelve didn't get the
taste out of my mouth, one more won't!"

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up
to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night. "You folks
must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting," said the old lady. "It was revolting," her husband added.

"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.

"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady
replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"

xxx

Bob: "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
Bill: "Why is that?"
Bob: "I've been screwing his wife."

xxx

Jeff was seeing his doctor. The doctor said, "I have
good news and bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
"Your wife has syphillis."
"Jeez! What could possibly be good news."
"She didn't get it from you."

xxx

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm
really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment
her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your
hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for
such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After awhile I
started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts
they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got
her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another
compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

 

[melody]

Top 10 Viagra Advertising Slogans

10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there
overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan..............

1. This is your penis. THIS IS YOUR PENIS ON DRUGS. Any questions?
***
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For a bit of hanky panky,
Jill came back with a very sore crack,
Jack must have been a Yankee!

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
For just an itty bitty.
Jill is now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter.
***
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."


"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course.."
"Great! I never could before!"

@@@

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.



Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

***

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

 

[melody]

A NORTHERNER MOVES TO ARIZONA

May 30th - Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to
live . beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings . mountains and
deserts blended together. What a place!! I watched the sunset, from a
park, lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home.
I love it here.

June 14th - Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem . I live
in an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a
pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.

June 30th - Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today, lots
of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting
used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th - Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of
my
body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson
though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th - I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left
this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000
worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now
smells like Kibbles and kitty bits. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th - Dry heat, my ass! Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is
on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me
he needed to order parts.

July 30th - Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.
$1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I
ever come here?

Aug 4th - It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman
pissed in my pool. I hate this state.

Aug 8th - If another wise-ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm
going to tear his throat out. Cursed heat. By the time I get to work the
radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like
roasted Garfield!!

Aug 10th - The weather report might as well be a recording: Hot and
sunny. It's been too hot to live for two months and the weatherman says
it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren
desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth
of cactus just dried up and blew into the pool. Even a cactus can't live
in this heat.

Aug 14th - Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to
crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The
installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife
had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona .
What kind of sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write
later to let you know how the trial goes.

Aug 30th - Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The
monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than
hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500
windshield. That does it, we're moving back to Massachusetts for some
peace and quiet.

 

[melody]

An Old Saggy Bitch

A man walks into a whorehouse late one night. He wants to get
a good-looking whore, but they're all occupied right now. He
ends up with the most God-awful-looking, old, saggy bitch, and
he was so disgusted, all he could do was shit in her face.
To his surprise, he enjoyed this a lot. This became a nightly
affair for him, as he would ask for the old whore and shit in
her face.
Unfortunately, after a couple weeks, the thrill wore off, so the
next time he went in, he asked for a pretty girl and fucked her.
As he was leaving, the old whore ran up to him, fell at his feet
and said, "What's the matter, don't you love me anymore?"

====================

This guy only had $5.00, but he just had to have some sex, so he went
to the whore house & asked what he could get for $5.00. The madam
said she didn't have anything, but the guy insisted he HAD to get laid.
She finally felt sorry for the poor bastard, so she took him up to a
really old lady who cleans up the place , and said he could have her for
$5.00. They started getting it on, but it was really dry & rough. After a
while, however, it got _really_ moist & smooth. He finally exploded, and
they started talking about it.
He told her how rough it was to start, but how GREAT it got, & that it
was the best he'd ever had, once things started moving!
She said, "Yea, I know what you mean, once all those blisters popped,
it really felt great for me too!"

 

[melody]

Beer ~vs~ Pussy

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football
game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are
normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you
are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you
back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.