Joke coner

[Basil Basil]

Deadly Sin

Three office secretary were having a gossip in the lunch-hour. Suddenly one said "I committed a sin today". The other two exclaimed.

The first one said "I bashed up my kid brother unnecessarily"

The second said "I punctured a hole with a paper-pin in a condom which was lying on the CEO's table"

The third one fainted.

 

[infernaL]

http://img427.imageshack.us/img427/9153/thumbwar77094efpp0.jpg
http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/1068/1165593829116347135217ph5.jpg

 

[alien]

http://img427.imageshack.us/img427/9153/thumbwar77094efpp0.jpg
wahahahahaha....

 

[xbalance2002]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

[invisibleghost]

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270065085217&ssPageName=ADME:B:EF:UK:2

 

[b00n]

let's revive this thread again.....

Rajesh and Sharmila were flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to
celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have
ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to and
on the beach.

However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live
on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the
island.

An hour later Rajesh turns to his wife and asks, "Sharmila did we pay
our Rs5 lakh deposit cheque yet to Citi Bank?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Rajesh, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Sharmila, did
we pay our Citi Bank Master Card yet?"

"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

"One last thing, Sharmila.

Did you remember to send cheques for the car loan to Citi Bank too this
month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Rajesh," begged Sharmila. "I didn't send that one,
either."

Rajesh grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 20 years. Sharmila
pulls away and asks him: "So, why did you hug me?"

Don't worry Rajesh answers: "They'll find us!"

 

[b00n]

Why Worry?


There are only two things in life to worry about:



Whether you are well
or whether you are sick.


If you are well,


then there is nothing to worry about.


But if you are sick,


there are only two things to worry about:



Whether you are going to get well


or whether you are going to die.





If you get well,


then there is nothing to worry about.



But if you die,


there are only two things to worry about:


Whether you are going to go to heaven
or whether you are going to go to hell.


If you go to heaven,


then you have nothing to worry about.



But if you go to hell,


you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends,


that you won't have time to worry!

So, Why Worry?

 

[b00n]

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what
had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history...
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
..................................................................


Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much
would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
.....................................................................

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am
scolding you now.
.....................................................................

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
.....................................................................

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at
her father.

Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
.....................................................................

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

--------------------------------------------------

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

--------------------------------------------------

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

------------------------------------------

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

--------------------------------------------------

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

--------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between
'unlawful'
and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal'
is a sick eagle."

---------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

----------------------------------------------------

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level"

 

[b00n]

The Perks of Getting Older...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

3. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "

5. You can eat dinner at 4 PM ? and get the Earlybird.

6. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

9. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

10. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

11. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

12. You can't remember who sent you this list...



And you'll notice that these are all in BIG PRINT for your convenience ! :_:

 

[b00n]

Childish Name Calling:

 

[Basil Basil]

wahahah damn funny sial...............

 

[Basil Basil]

ya lets revive this thread........

 

[melody]

On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against
the wall, doing nothing.
He approached the young man and calmly said to him,
How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question,
he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir.
Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $ 6000.00 cash
and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working,
not for standing around looking pretty!
Here is 3 months' salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.
Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that
applies for everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man
that I just fired?"

To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir!"

 

[kk13]

haha...but y give him another 6000 and tell him 2 get lost?

 

[melody]

kk13, that was the termination fees..
we kenot simply fired ppl without justified reasons..

 

[Vagabond]

melody: the first post wasn't really a joke.

now i'm depressed :(

 

[melody]

oops..
a very touching sad love story..
hey, cheer up..

 

[melody]

Young William was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's
store.

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had
peach jam to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the
lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called
William aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is
out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer
other types of the same product.

For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam
like plum jam, guava jam and so on."

Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and William
politely replied, "I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper
right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper.

 

[b00n]

DIARY OF A YOUNG HOUSE WIFE

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.


Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.


Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.


Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.


Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.


Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.

 

[b00n]

Psychopath Test:

Read this question, come up with an answer. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

There is no correct or wrong answer in this.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?



















Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a
test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
p/s: Try highlighting to see the answer.... :shocked: