Jokes Corner...

[Jay5]

Only jokes please... :rolleyes:

I'll start with one.

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very
close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
Supervisor to file a Se*ual Harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a se*ual harassment suit against him.

The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's se*ually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

 

[Jay5]

Here's another:


In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

Approaching her he asked:

"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded:

"Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked:

"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died!

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet
voice, said:

"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,

I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

 

[Jay5]

>Customer? : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
> >Waiter? : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.
> >-----------------------------------------
> >Customer? : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop? > Waiter? : Can't
> >you tell the difference by taste? Customer? : No, I can't.
> >Waiter? : Then does it really matter?
> >--------------------------------------------
> >Customer? : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
> >Waiter? : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.
> >--------------------------------------------
> >Customer? : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.!
> >Waiter? : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.
> >--------------------------------------------
> >Customer? : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
> >Waiter? : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
> >------------------------------------------------
> >Customer? : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
> >Waiter? : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
> >------------------------------------------------
> >Customer? : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
> >Waiter? : Funny? Then why aren't you laughing?
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Son? ! : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
> >Father? : No. Why do you ask that?
> >Son? : Well, where did you get mummy then?
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Lady? : Is this my train?
> >Station Master?? : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
> >Lady? : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to
> >Kuala Lumpur.
> >Station Master?? : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Peter? : What! a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and
> >one
> >is blue with red spots!
> >Kirk? : Yes it's really strange. I' ve got another pair of the same at
> >home.
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Teacher?? : Peter, why are you late for school again?
> >Peter? : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game
> >went
> >into extra time.
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Wife?? : Do you want dinner?
> >Husband?? : Sure, what are my choices?
> >Wife? : Yes and no.
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >First Guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!"
> >Second Guy?? : "How fortunate you are, mine's still alive."
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >A girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a
> >ring?"
> >"Sure," replied her lover "What's your phone number?"
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
> >commotion
> >in the gallery.
> >The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
> >The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have
> >a scotch and soda."
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Customer? : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Penang in two
> >days
> >time?
> >Post Master? : Well it might do.
> >Customer? : I bet you, it won't.
> >Post Master? : Why not?
> >Customer? : It's addressed to Johor.
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist. 'My trouble is,' he
>said,
> >'that I keep forgetting things.'
> >'How long has! this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
> >'How long has what been going on?' said the man.
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Girl? : Do you love me?
> >Boy? : Yes Dear.
> >Girl? : Would you die for me?
> >Boy?? : No, mine is undying love.
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
> >2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
> >1st thief?? : Hurry! this is no time for superstitious.
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Man? : How old is your father?
> >Boy? : As old as me.
> >Man? : How can that be?
> >Boy? : He became a father only when I was born.
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Teacher?? : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
> >field"
> >Student?? : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
> >Teacher?? : How?
> >Student?? : Ladies first.
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Waiter?? : I have stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
> >Customer? : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
> >---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting,
> >"Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!"
> >"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in to the living room
>and tell me about it."

> >"Well,"? began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20
>in science."

 

[Jay5]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca We drink till
we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the
world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're
already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do"

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker,
slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into
drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never
realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

 

[2pac]

Joke: Dead Body

A family in the Philippines was puzzled when the coffin of their dead
mother arrived from the USA, sent by their sister. The corpse was so
tightly squeezed inside the coffin that their mother's face was
practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they
found a letter from their sister pinned to their mother's chest, which
read:


Dearest brothers and sisters,

I am sending you our mother's remains for burial there in the
Philippines.

Sorry I couldn't come along as the expenses were so high. You will find
inside the coffin, under Mama's body, 12 cans of Libby's corned beef
and 12 cans of Spam. Just divide it among yourselves.

On Mama's feet is a brand-new pair of Reeboks (size 8) for Junior.
There are four pairs of Reeboks under Mama's head for Miloy's sons.
Mama is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts - one is for Manong Roy and
the rest are for my nephews. Mama is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bra
your favorite), just divide it among yourselves. The 2 dozen Victoria's
Secret panties that Mama is wearing should be distributed among my
nieces and cousins.

Mama is also wearing eight Docker pants - Kuya Diko, please get one for
yourself and the rest are for the boys. The Swiss watch you asked for
is on Mama's left wrist, please get it. Aunty Sol, Mama is wearing what
you asked for - earrings, ring and necklace - just please get them.
Also, the six pairs of Channel stockings that Mama is wearing must be
divided among the teen-age girls there. I hope they like the color.

Your loving sister,
Nene

PS: Please find a dress for Mama for her burial as I did not have the
time.

 

[2pac]

Joke : Finnaly together

Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she
was married, she refused to use protection because she felt that
birth control was going against God's will. She and her husband had
seventeen kids.

Maria's husband got sick and passed away. As time went by, Maria
moved on with her life and married another man. Again, she refused to
use protection because of her religious beliefs. She and her second
husband have fifteen kids.

Again, Maria lost her husband. But, soon after her husband's death,
she passed away as well. At the ceremony at the cemetery the priest
looked down at the coffin then looked up at the sky and said,
"They're finally together."

This confuses one of the family members at the service and after the
ceremony, asks the priest.

"Father," he starts, "back at the cemetery when you said, 'they're
finally together,' did you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria
and her second husband?"

The father takes a long look and him and says, "I was talking about
her legs."

 

[2pac]

Joke: Big Big Hole

A prostitute went to see a doctor...
Prostitute : Doctor I have a big hole, is there any way to
tighten it? My business is going down slope.

Doctor : Undress and let me examine first...
The prostitute removes her panties and opens up her legs,
exposing her “XXX”. The Doctor moves his head forward with
his eyes wide open and exclaims : “Wah, such a big hole! Wah,
such a big hole! Wah, such a big hole!”

The prostitute, feeling a bit angry, raised her voice, saying,
”Can you stop repeating! If that’s not the case I wouldn’t
have come to see you.”

Doctor : I didn’t repeat, the last two were the ECHO...!!!

 

[evo3]

hehehehe..good one....

 

[JINEIL2EN]

this joke i heard it last nite--->
i think this is the best Ah Beng's Joke....

the story is begin fr an car accident.......
heard from 3 illegal road racer fr KL>>

illegal road racer1 : wanna race, go to sepang lah.....
illegal road racer2 : safety come 1st mah.......
illegal road racer3 : dun race at normal road mah......
illegal road racer1 : take care of other ppl mah.......
illegal road racer2 : KL ppl dunno how to race 1 lah.....
illegal road racer3 : wanna race oso dun crash or accident lah.......

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**no offence to any1......

 

[Jay5]

a funny pic

 

[Jay5]

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad
I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,"
Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung
and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."