It's cos humans just like to live within problems, rather than out of problems.
Joke coner
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CHRISTIAN HUMOR
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the
computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of
hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set
up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge
who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went
off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the
underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started
searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past
two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair!
He cheated! How
come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES!!
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the
computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of
hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set
up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge
who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went
off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the
underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started
searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past
two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair!
He cheated! How
come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES!!
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hey, the "J" name is sensitive issue in this islamic country with so called freedom of religion... later sure some ppl make a big fuss out of it..... better remove since it is not really a joke.... just my 0.005 cents...
driftagster,
I won't worry too much about people mentioning Jesus's name. Almost all Christians won't make a big fuss and won't react with violence, hatred, anger, etc. when the name of Jesus is mentioned, unlike certain obvious groups.
I won't worry too much about people mentioning Jesus's name. Almost all Christians won't make a big fuss and won't react with violence, hatred, anger, etc. when the name of Jesus is mentioned, unlike certain obvious groups.
sshhhhshhh.........all kewl down.......
sshhhhshhhh......
don't make yourself a joke in this joke thread....
pls refrain from giving unwanted comments and pls edit.......
I'll delete this post here once everyone has settled their differences......
thanks......dun spoil the mood...
and I'll start telling jokes about why Buddha had that special cross leg and thumb linking to his middle finger stance.......
sshhhhshhhh......
don't make yourself a joke in this joke thread....
pls refrain from giving unwanted comments and pls edit.......
I'll delete this post here once everyone has settled their differences......
thanks......dun spoil the mood...
and I'll start telling jokes about why Buddha had that special cross leg and thumb linking to his middle finger stance.......
talking abt the tempel i went up the 9story pagoda wah damn tired when reach the top
imagin walking up 300 steps
and imagin walking up batu cave
Sorry, still can't locate the BUddha story I'm talking about. But here's a few definitions to ponder upon:
School:
A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse:
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce:
Future tense of Marriage.
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father:
A banker provided by nature.
Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor :
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic:
Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile:
curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc .:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee :
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead
School:
A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse:
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce:
Future tense of Marriage.
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father:
A banker provided by nature.
Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor :
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic:
Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile:
curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc .:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee :
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes~~
You MUST read them aloud.
First the English sentence, followed by the Chinese:
And say it fast!
> That's not right - Sum Ting Wong
>
> Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding
>
> See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao
>
> Stupid Man - Dum Fuk
>
> Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
>
> Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
>
> I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
>
> I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat
>
> It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim
>
> I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching
>
> This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
>
> Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
>
> Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
>
> He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
>
> Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
>
> Great - Fa Kin Su Pa
You MUST read them aloud.
First the English sentence, followed by the Chinese:
And say it fast!
> That's not right - Sum Ting Wong
>
> Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding
>
> See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao
>
> Stupid Man - Dum Fuk
>
> Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
>
> Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
>
> I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
>
> I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat
>
> It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim
>
> I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching
>
> This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
>
> Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
>
> Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
>
> He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
>
> Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
>
> Great - Fa Kin Su Pa
Butt Measurement A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:
"Your butt is getting really big...I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where
his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right.........your butt is two inches wider than our barbecue grill!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards
his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big grill for one lousy little sausage?"
"Your butt is getting really big...I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where
his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right.........your butt is two inches wider than our barbecue grill!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards
his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big grill for one lousy little sausage?"
Two old ladies were having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
At a doctor's surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of
serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks him,
"What the hell did you do to your back?
"The patient replies, "You know that I am a bouncer at a local night
club?
Well, yesterday morning I got home to my flat quite early and heard a
noise in my bedroom.
On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wif as my wife was lying naked in bed and the balcony door was open.
I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone.
As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out of the building and he was dressing himself.
I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my
back".
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor says, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you?
"The 2nd patient replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while
now Doctor?
Well yesterday morning was my first day at my new job. I forgot to set
my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients
did.
The doctor was shocked.
Again he asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge ............ !"
serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks him,
"What the hell did you do to your back?
"The patient replies, "You know that I am a bouncer at a local night
club?
Well, yesterday morning I got home to my flat quite early and heard a
noise in my bedroom.
On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wif as my wife was lying naked in bed and the balcony door was open.
I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone.
As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out of the building and he was dressing himself.
I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my
back".
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor says, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you?
"The 2nd patient replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while
now Doctor?
Well yesterday morning was my first day at my new job. I forgot to set
my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients
did.
The doctor was shocked.
Again he asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge ............ !"
Who is clever???...
One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night and Didn't
Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and
said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return
the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way
back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked
him and said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they
appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special
Condition Test, All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for
the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last
3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name.........................( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst?...............( 98 MARKS )
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right
True story from IIT Bombay ...Batch 1992-96
One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night and Didn't
Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and
said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return
the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way
back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked
him and said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they
appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special
Condition Test, All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for
the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last
3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name.........................( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst?...............( 98 MARKS )
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right
True story from IIT Bombay ...Batch 1992-96
Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"
Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it....
A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR
Sardar's wish: when I die, I wana die like my Grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not Screaming like all d passengers in d car he was Driving..
A Teacher lecturing on population:
"In Indi a after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid. "
A Sardar stands up- "We must find & stop her!. "
A man: "Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening not in the morning?"
Sardarji: ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.
And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.
Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
Guess what...
To avoid side effects!!!
Man: Sardarji where were U born?
Sardarji: Punjab .
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".
Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.
I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"
A sardar was drawing money from ATM,
The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258"
Q:) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard.. . BOLO tarara!!
Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept....... .
Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.
Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.
A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"
Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet
Sardar: - why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it....
A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR
Sardar's wish: when I die, I wana die like my Grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not Screaming like all d passengers in d car he was Driving..
A Teacher lecturing on population:
"In Indi a after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid. "
A Sardar stands up- "We must find & stop her!. "
A man: "Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening not in the morning?"
Sardarji: ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.
Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.
Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.
And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing.
He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.
Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
Guess what...
To avoid side effects!!!
Man: Sardarji where were U born?
Sardarji: Punjab .
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".
Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.
I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"
A sardar was drawing money from ATM,
The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "
The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258"
Q:) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard.. . BOLO tarara!!
Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept....... .
Santa Singh MBBS
After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice.
He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2006
- Messages
- 1,509
- Points
- 1,683
Son of a bitch
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
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