Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[sakuraguy]

How to choose a bride the Malaysian style the story begins at Kampung Pandan, Kuala Lumpur.

A mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married.
So one day she called him over to her house.
The son came home from work, grudgingly.
Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.

The first one was a well-endowed telephonist-cum-receptionist.
He immediately commented that: - "Aiyaa...mother, they always say…...PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON....."

The second nominee was a leggy secretary.
This was rejected also.
Reason being: - Aiyaa...mother, this one aaa..., secretary always fond of saying "PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN...."

By this time, the mother is nearing frustration.
She called a sweet but plain-looking teacher.
The son suddenly agreed!!
The mother was surprised & asked: - "Why this one? The previous two were a lot more betterlooking!"
He replied :- "Teachers aaa.... teachers vely good, vely good, always say:-
PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I Want it done 10 times…...SOME MORE, SOME MORE..!"

Now come the small hero,
Her youngest son (10 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room.
Suddenly, he shouted "Brother....female mini bus conductor more better laa....they always say...”NAIK CEPAT,NAIK CEPAT...MASUK,MASUK.....MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI...DALAM LAGILAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG....BELAKANG LAGI, …...BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG!..........."

 

[sakuraguy]

OSAMA WRITES TO GEORGE BUSH

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, and then to the NSA, then to the Secret Service. With no clue as to it's meaning, they eventually asked Canada's RCMP for help. The RCMP cabled the White House as follows:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down"

 

[sakuraguy]

Things people actually said in court, word for word.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
{Well... these days... and specially on Bourbon Street... you need to ask}

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

[sakuraguy]

You still dare to apply leave ?
-------------------------------------------------------

Imagine when you apply for leave from your boss, he answers you like this.

"You want to apply for one day leave? Anything else you want from the company? "

In a year, you work 365 days.1 year got 52 weeks, every week you rest for 2 days, then left 261 days working.

Everyday you have 16 hours of not working, so minus 170 days, left 91days of work.

Everyday you spent 30 minutes drinking coffee; sum up is about 23 days, so you left 68 days working. Everyday you spend 1 hour for lunch, then minus 46 days again, left 22 days.

Usually you apply 2 days sick leave every year, so you still left 20 days working. Every year have 5 days holidays for festival or whatever, then you just work for 15 days.

Again, company every year gives you 14 days leave?
THEN! You ONLY WORK FOR 1 DAY!!!

Damn! You still want to apply 1 day leave ?

 

[sakuraguy]

Chinese doctor VS American doctor
----------------------------------------------------------

An American tourist goes on a trip to China.. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take modern precautions. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his dick covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

When the man returns the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!"

The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor, who speaks broken English, examines the man's dick and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease."

The man says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican doctor!Amellican doctor always want to opulate. Make more money that way. No need to to opulate!"

"Oh thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two week. Dick fall off by self!"

 

[sakuraguy]

Various Jokes .. For Think Laugh

FRIENDS
Friends are like underwear, always near you.
Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you.
Best friends are like Viagra, lift you up when you are down.


NAKED GIRL
Naked girl boarded taxi. Driver stared.
Girl scold, never see naked girl ah?
Driver reply, see before but wondering
where you keep your money to pay taxi fare.


FAST COMMUNICATION
Three fastest means of communication:
1. Telephone
2. Television
3. Tell-a-woman


JUMP
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Petronas Twin Towers?
A: Yes, because the Petronas Twin Towers cannot jump!

 

[sakuraguy]

Sorry this thing is forwarded in email and in Malay language. I dont know how to translate.

Kuih ape yang bungkusnya di dalam, isinya diluar?
Kuih salah bikin

Binatang ape yang power Karate?
Kuda belang (Zebra), cube kira berapa black belt dia ada

Pintu apa yang walaupun dgn 10 org pun tak boleh nak tolak?
Pintu yang ada tulis 'TARIK'

Saya ada 3 kepala, 4 tangan dan 5 kaki... siapakah saya?
Pembohong !

Apa dia 'Jauh dimata, dekat dihati'?
Usus Besar

Kenape lelaki jarang kena penyakit anjing gile?
Sebab lelaki ni kan 'Buaya'

Tukang apa yang kalau dipanggil, dia menjenguk ke atas?
Tukang gali kubur

Apa persamaan kain jemuran dengan telefon?
Dua-dua klau dah 'krinngg' boleh diangkat

Gajah terbang dgn apa?
dgn susah payah....

:D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol: :D

 

[sakuraguy]

THE POWER OF MAMAK

Suatu hari sedang Ali minum teh di gerai Mamak yang biasa dikunjunginya, tiba-tiba Mamak gerai tersebut bersorak gembira dan terus datang kepadanya.

Ali : Apa yang suka sangat Mamak ni?
Mamak : Saya bini juga surat India mari.
Ali : Apa dia cakap? Tentu good news....
Mamak: Dalam dia punya surat ada cakap sudah beranak. New baby! Ayo.... saya banyak suka hati la. Saya belanja awak free minum jugak!
Ali : Tahniah! Mamak. Ini kena balik India cepat ni?
Mamak : Ya la, saya sudah ampat tahun tarak balik.

Ali : ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

[rorytate]

hahahahahah 4 year not back to hometowwn...kakakakaka

 

[evo4g63]

hahaha 4 years not bak to hometown...

 

[Kchai]

:lol: :lol: i like the mamak story the most ler :lol: :lol:

 

[rollakid]

i dun get the mamak joke 0_0...

but i like the:

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

roflmao.. dunno why i just burst out laughing.. :D my mom thought i crazy

 

[e_ti]

de mamak din go back n din c his wife for 4 yers
how de wife there can get pregnant?

 

[eric_ho20]

haha ... da wife must hav been cheating on him la :D :D

 

[rollakid]

but didn't see it say anything about his wife didnt' come visit.. so i didn't get it at first hehehe.. i thought his wife might be here visiting him or something

 

[AE80TypeD]

sometimes chris, to enjoy these things we have to throw our brain out the window for a juuuuust a lil while. life wouldnt be fun if we're particular all the time.

not to worry tho.. it shows u have a sharp and intelligent mind. *ahem*geek!*ahem*

jk jk [im a geek/nerd myself :D]

 

[eddie]

sometimes chris, to enjoy these things we have to throw our brain out the window for a juuuuust a lil while. life wouldnt be fun if we're particular all the time.

not to worry tho.. it shows u have a sharp and intelligent mind. *ahem*geek!*ahem*

jk jk [im a geek/nerd myself :D]

hehehe off topic....your car masuk this issue of hypertune.....WAH damn sharp the pic....
;)

 

[rollakid]

hahaha.. actually i did figure it out somehow, but its after a few hours after i post the "i don't get it" msg.. then check back really is the issue.. too bad didn't catch it imediately not that funny annymore =(

 

[AE80TypeD]

huh?? how can my car masuk hypertune 1? it must be just a group parking pic at McD's that day lah... u sure u're replying to the rite person here eddie? LOL

 

[Isis]

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

this is my favourite joke!!! :D