Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[sakuraguy]

Subject - Question & Answers

Something funny for the dull day at the office and home ..

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5 days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day ..

Q: Girlfriend & boyfriend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten ?!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed at Tarzan. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him "Your tail is in front".

Q: Secret of long life ?
A: Morning two eggs, evening two pegs... and night two legs.

 

[sakuraguy]

A Dog Names SEX!


Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex."

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." Yummy

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely," and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."

And this addition to the middle of the story:

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

 

[sakuraguy]

Its back again ..

 

[sakuraguy]

Boy or Girl

A young unwed girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, she confides this 'news' to her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"

 

[sakuraguy]

Calls to Directory Assistance

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have thespelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.

Caller: The water board please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water

Operator: How are you spelling that?
Caller: With letters.

Caller: I'd like the number for a Reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Yes.

 

[sakuraguy]

LATUK LOCTOR HO
by TV Smith
19/10/04

Two of three highly revered consumer products made the headlines recently: academic and honorific titles. Upon reading the news, the one person that instantly came to mind was my friend Uncle Ho, VCD tycoon and supplier of the third. I called him to hear his side of the story…

TV Smith: Hello Uncle!
Uncle Ho: Myeh lan, hye yan?*

TV Smith: I'm recording this conversation, can we converse in English?

Uncle Ho: Tiuuuuuu!. OK lah but my England not very good.

TV Smith: How much did you pay for your doctorate and datukship titles?

Uncle Ho: Cant' remember. A few thousand ringgit. Tell you after no value.

TV Smith: You bought them together?

Uncle Ho: The Latuksheep I bought from my brother who bought it from his friend's brother. That time I didn't know there was going to be a Mega Sale in Malaka.

TV Smith: The PhD?

Uncle Ho: I was surfing for info on the latest movies when I came across this website offering the loctolate in DVD technology.

Uncle Ho: Summore they accept Malaysian credit cards. So why not…

TV Smith: Why do you feel it is necessary to have both titles?

Uncle Ho: I think because I was planning to gate crash FINAS or Filem Negara's annual dinner. Got two titles sure can sit on main table. Can't remember now.

TV Smith: Do you print the titles on your calling cards and stationery?

Uncle Ho: Definitely. Latuk Loctor Ho.

Uncle Ho: Summore my wife is Latin.

TV Smith: She is from South America? You mean Latino?

Uncle Ho: No lah. She's now a Latin from Kepong. She is Hokkien, so she calls me Natuk.


TV Smith: Has it been useful?

Uncle Ho: Most of the time. Even in Venice.

TV Smith: You were at the Venice Film Festival?!

Uncle Ho: Was trying to purchase the rights to that Hung Tua movie.

TV Smith: Since when you purchase movie rights?

Uncle Ho: All local movies which cannot sell one, we buy over for RM 17,000 flat fees.

TV Smith: But some producers spent millions…

Uncle Ho: Harlow! You go Astlo and see how much they pay? 5000 thousand maximum!

TV Smith: Where were you hanging out lately? Don't see you much at Shark Disco…

Uncle Ho: Was at Gay Men Island.

TV Smith: Huh?!

Uncle Ho: The tax heaven lah.

TV Smith: Oh... you mean Cayman Islands, the tax haven.

TV Smith: Anyway, let's get back to the topic of datukships. Why do you think there are so many Datuks allegedly involved in criminal activities recently?

Uncle Ho: I think maybe because theirs one free. My one I paid so I be more careful in case they tarek back, my money gone…

TV Smith: Yours where can tarik back? It's fake!

Uncle Ho: Hehehe. Since it is so profitable, I told my boys to look into the fake certificate business.

TV Smith: I thought you are already doing it?

Uncle Ho: Where got?

TV Smith: The B certs?

Uncle Ho: Eh… sorry got to go out now. Just got tip-off that Bukit Bintang area gonna get raid by senior officers!

TV Smith: All the more you shouldn't be there, right?

Uncle Ho: Latuk and Latuk easy to settle mah…

*Myeh lan, hye yan? is the affectionate local canto greeting that is similar to "Yo! What's up bro?" The literal translation is "What male private part, you female private part person?"

Source: tvsmith.net

 

[imoloq]

Haha nice jokes.

Here's one:

If I were to open a tuition centre, I would name it "Prosti".

So if ppl want to go tuition, they will say, "Hey let's go to Prosti Tuition Centre!"

 

[sakuraguy]

Muthu Oh Muthu ....


MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER
Interviewer : What is your birth date?
Muthu : 13th October
Interviewer : Which year?
Muthu : ... EVERY YEAR



MUTHU & HIS MANAGER
Manager asked to Muthu at an interview....
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Muthu replied: P-O-S-T-B-O- X



MUTHU & LONDON TRIP
After returning back from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife : No! Why?
Muthu : In London, a lady asked me, "Are you a foreigner?".. that's why ..
Wife : SHOCKED!



MUTHU & TOURIST
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Muthu whether any great man born in this village or not .. and Muthu said .. "No sir, only babies were born here .. "


MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT
Muthu was doing experiment with cockroach. First he cut it's one leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked.

Then he cut it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk.

Suddenly Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.

Muthu become a saint!


MUTHU & DRIVER
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted mirror. Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife ?

Sit back. I will drive.


MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL
Muthu went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Muthu pointed towards the board " WASH BASIN "


MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART
Interviewer : Just imagine your in 20th floor in a building, it caught fire and how will you escape ?
Muthu : It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination .. :)

 

[sakuraguy]

Oh .. i forgot .. the funniest part ..


On a political rally Muthu was arrested. Why ????????????

Because, a woman journalist walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" on her right chest ... and he did it !


Cheers!

 

[imoloq]

Hahahaha lol! You made my day with that last joke!

 

[sakuraguy]

100 ways to order a pizza the fun way...

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,
100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

 

[xerofighter]

A team of Volkswagon Quality Control Personnel came to Proton head quarters one day. The head of Proton's Quality Control asked the team how they conducted their Quality Control Inspection. So the team said "We put a cat in our car for 24 hours and shut all the doors and close all the windows. And if the cat is dead after 24 hours, we consider the car road worthy".The head of Proton's Quality Control then said "We do a similiar form of inspection here in Proton. We put a cat in our car for 24 hours and shut all the doors and windows. We consider the car road worthy only if after 24 hours the cat is still INSIDE".

 

[melody]

CAR ** **
Beng and Seng excited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to
remove the key which was in the ignition.
Realizing the mistake, Beng asked,
'Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it.'
No, that won't work' answered Seng. 'People will think we're trying to
break in.'

Then Beng suggested, 'What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the
rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?'

No,' said Seng. 'People will think we're too dumb not to use a coat
hanger.'

The kan cheong Beng shouted, 'we'd better think of something fast.
It's starting to rain and the sunroof is open!'

 

[melody]

PIZZA

Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if she should cut it in
six
or twelve pieces.
Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ******
DEAD BIRD

"Oh, look at the dead bird."

Ah Beng looked skyward and said "Where, Where got?"

 

[melody]

NOT MY BROTHER!

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no
longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies
are fine.
Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's
name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name!

Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the
doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.

 

[melody]

ITALIAN * *

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian
restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and
ordered.

"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci, " he said.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner." *

 

[melody]

* WHO DOES WHAT *

A man and his wife were having an argument about
who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife
said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our
coffee."The husband said, " You are in charge of
cooking around here and you should do it, because
that is your job,and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides,
it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that,show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several
pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
God may have created man before woman
but there is always a rough draft before the
masterpiece.

 

[K_Takuya]

Just a thought, after we read so much text, why dont we relax our eyes a bit..
(sakura guy, tell me if i need to remove it :p )

Dance!
YouTube - atromen melayu

Counter Striike
YouTube - VideoClip Counterstrike Melayu

enjoy!

 

[melody]

Something for u to digest!

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady
forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly look across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road
ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me
out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best
friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more
tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up
to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and
the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete
bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there
anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need." she says. Oh, really?" he inquires,
"So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns
to him and smiles.

...."The airbag."....

Never underestimate how a woman thinks.

Moral of the story:

Buy Toyota VIOS as it has only one airbag (for driver only).
The husband sure die and wife gets everything!

So, for a husband don't buy a Vios today....

Husbands, pls take insurance! but.. think twice for MCIS
insurance.

Know why?
" M.C.I.S "= Mati Cepat Isteri Senang

 

[melody]

* THE SILENT TREATMENT *

A man and his wife were having some
problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the
man realized that the next day,he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it.The next morning, the man
woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper
said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."Men are not equipped
for these kinds of contests.