jokes

[Jasper]

One evening at the bar........

A guy in his 40s walks in carrying a big bag and sits at the counter. He place the bag on the seat beside him and proceed to order a drink.....

The bar tender served him his drink and being curious, asked "Whats in the big bag?"

Without saying a word he opens the bag and out jumps a small and cute little 12inch midget that ran to the piano and started playing happily.

Everyone was amazed by how good he was. The curious bar tender said "u know you could make a lot of money with this little guy, where did you get him from?"

He replied cooly"I found a lamp in my attic and when I rub it out came a genie and he said will grant 1 wish to anyone who release him, and I wish and I got what I wish for"

"WOW! if thats the case would you lend me the lamp so I could wish for something? said the bar tender.

Being unselfish the man replied "sure!"

"BUT be careful what you wish for....."

Bartender "huh??"

"pronunciation is very important......WHY WOULD YOU THINK I WANT TO WISH FOR A 12 INCH "PIANIST"

 

[Jasper]

This old timer is sitting on the dock, fishing, when suddenly a frog jumps out of the water and sits by him.
The old guy stares at the frog and the frog says, "Hello"

The old guy's head snaps back in amazement.

"Don't be frightened", says the frog, "I am under a spell. If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess and in appreciation of you breaking the spell I will give you the greatest sex you've ever had. So, c'mon, kiss me, and prepare yourself for some hot sex."

The old guy reaches down, picks up the frog, and puts it into his shirt pocket as he starts walking home.

"Aren't you going to kiss me? asks the frog.

"At my age" says the old timer, "I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

[Jasper]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F##K him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "But the breakfast was my idea."

 

[Jasper]

0% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date.

20% of men had sex in a non-traditional place.

36% of women favour nudity.

45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes.

46% of women experienced anal sex

70% of women prefer sex in the morning

80% of men have never experienced homosexual relations.

90% of women would like to have sex in the forest.

99% of women have never experienced sex in the office.

CONCLUSION: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.


MORAL: Do not stay late at the office, nothing good can come of it!

 

[Jasper]

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"

 

[Jasper]

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

 

[Jasper]

See, it's not hard to keep girls happy...
heee....



: "How to Keep your partner happy" hahahahhah.. all
ladies should forward this..


Message: It's not difficult.

To keep a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect
little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time
for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying
about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY!!! :

1. Give him lots of SEX
2. Feed him well
3. Let him have the remote control
4. Leave him in peace.

 

[Jasper]

AMERICAN WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.

JAPANESE WOMEN
First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all.
Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties.
Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her.
Then she'll bid you sayonara, as that was her last fling as she's getting married to a Japanese man tomorrow.

MALAY WOMEN
First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.
Second date: You get to home base with her.
Third date: You have to promise her that you are going to get circumcised.
Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole
family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three
more times as allowed under Islamic law!

CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing
happens too.
Third date: You have already realized that nothing's going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN

First date: You meet her parents.
Second date: The date is set for the wedding.
Third date: It's your wedding night!

HONG KONG WOMEN

First date: you lose all your cash in your wallet
Second date: you max out all your credit cards
Third date: you clean out your bank account and you still can't get to first base
3 weeks after your third date, you die from SARS.

 

[Jasper]

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to
the other one. "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid. If you don't
believe me I'll show you." He called his driver Ah Beng over and said,
"Ah Beng, here is $10 note, go to the car showroom and buy me a
Mercedes". To which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and
rushed off to the Showroom.
The rich man then turned to his friend and said, "See I told you he was
stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see
stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali.
"Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home. " To which Ali said,
"Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and ran home. "See what I told you?
He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I
am here."
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali,"Eh, you
know my boss is sooooooo stupid. He gave me $10 and asked me to go to
the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes.....Doesn't he know that today
is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"
Ali replied,"You think your boss is stupid? My boss lagi worse, he asked
me to go home to check if he is at home... He got handphone what, can
just call up to check lah, bodoh!!!"

 

[Jasper]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

 

[Jasper]

Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian
will get pregnant, so he approached his friend Ah Beng for advise.
Beng, "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms
and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one."
So Ah Seng took the condom and at night, makes love with Ah Lian.
2 months later, Ah Seng came to look for Ah Beng and told him that Ah
Lian is pregnant.
Cannot be what, did you follow the instruction or not?" asked Ah Beng.
Na-bei! Got lah. The box says 'Stretch the condom over organ before
intercourse', I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."

 

[Jasper]

At a bar in New York
A man sat next to Ah Beng told the bartender,"JOHNNIE WALKER,
SINGLE." and his companion said, "JACK DANIELS,SINGLE." Finally, the
bartender turned to Ah Beng and asked, "AND YOU,
SIR?"
Ah Beng replied: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for
quite sometime, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle
to a friend. "It took me only 5 MONTHS to do it," Ah Beng
said.
"FIVE MONTHS? Why did you take so long." The friend asked.
Ah Beng replied, "No, it is not long at all, look at the box,
it says it is for 4 to 7 years".

 

[Jasper]

Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show
it to her. So there Ah Beng was, telling and bragging the various functions
of his new car to his girlfriend.
"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"
"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.
"Somemore hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored
the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed
into the lamp-post.
"Alamak! What are u doing?!!! U Siao Char Bo! U see lah!!! Wah Piang
eh!" screamed Ah Beng.
"Solee, solee, pai seh lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"*

 

[Jasper]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' ....and she's always sound asleep.

 

[AXXeLL]

this is funny though... ahah cheak out their reaction..
http://img8.imageshack.us/img8/3690/15xg.jpg

 

[cacin]

not sure any of you heard this before. But, just for fun:

q: Why does a chicken coop has 2 doors?




a: Because, if it has 4 doors, it will be called a chicken sedan :D