JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Exclusive Nudist Colony

Larry joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes
off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde
walks by him and Larry immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and
says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Larry replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that
if I give an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then
leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him
to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Larry continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man
with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge man
says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Larry replies, "No, what do you mean?"

The huge man says, "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you
fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins
Larry around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Larry rushes back to the colony office. The smiling naked receptionist
greets him, "May I help you?"

Larry says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500
joining fee."

The receptionist replies, "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of
hours, you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...."

Larry explains, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a
month, but I fart 15 times a day. Thanks but - No thanks!"

======

The other day, Mike was seeing his shrink, and he asked what Mike looked
for in a woman. Naturally Mike replied, "Big tits."

The shrink clarified, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
Mike replied, "Oooh, OK, seriously Bigggg TITS."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to
spend the rest of your life with?" queried the psychiatrist.

Mike just sat there on his couch laughing until his gut hurt. "Spend the
rest of my life with one woman?" Mike replied, "Forget it, No woman's
tits are that big."

 

[melody]

GEORGE CARLINISMS

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep
it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way
they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running
child?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Ya Might Be A Redneck Addicted To The World of Computers If...

WARNING: IT IS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED THAT YOU PUT DOWN THE BEER CAN AND
THE SHOTGUN BEFORE READING ANY FURTHER


If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and
cinderblocks.

Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.

Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they need bail
money.

Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.

Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.

Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.

Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.

Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio
calls.

Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.

Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.

Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.

Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin'
bin.

Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.

Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.

Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom's

Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give
it back! Give it Back'.

When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.

Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk

Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.

Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.

Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.

When ya tern yer computer on ya say "Come OOOOOOON Betsy".

Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.

Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.

Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.

Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of
Raid.

Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.

Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.

Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.

Ya give Derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old
barn.

Ya Think MB stands for "More Beer".

Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.

Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.

Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters
aint in order.

Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear.

Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.

Ya think IBM stands for "Idn't Betsy Marvelous"

Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie It's Free"

Ya Think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.

Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.

Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol' lady.

Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there
superhero on the cartoons.

Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.

Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup.

Ya see the werd "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft.

Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.

Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.

Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.

You's in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply
"My momma"

You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.

 

[melody]

Gay Movie Titles

Brokeback Mountain, the new movie about a romance between two gay
cowboys, is getting rave reviews from some corners and vicious slams from others.
We're not going to get in the middle of that particular debate, but we
do think they could have come up with a better title.

THE TOP 13 GAY COWBOY MOVIES
(Part I)

13> Thigh Noon

12> Have Buns, Will Fondle

11> Riding on Cows With Boys

10> Queer and Present Ranger

9> Bobby and Clyde

8> Men in Black Chaps

7> Bill & Ted's Exotic-Erotic Adventure

6> The Man Who Coordinated Liberty's Valances

5> Memoirs of a Gay Shane

4> Dude, Where's My Saddle Horn?

3> My Big Fat Redneck Civil Union

2> When Harry Met Wally

... and the Number 1 Gay Cowboy Movie ...

1> The Magnificent Sven

===

THE TOP 13 GAY COWBOY MOVIES (Part II)

13> A Fistful of Fellers

12> High Nooner

11> Buns Tight at the SoGay Corral

10> Urbane Cowboy

9> Butch Cassidy and the Riverdance Kid

8> Dr. Range-Love

7> Harry Potter in the Closet of Fire

6> Four Civil Unions and a Hangin'

5> Flaming Saddles

4> Skivvy Slickers

3> Tool Hand Luke

2> Dances With Bears

... and the Number 1 Gay Cowboy Movie ...

1> Fun With Dick and Dick

===

THE TOP 13 GAY COWBOY MOVIES
--------------------------------------------------------
The Runners Up & Honorable Mention submissions
--------------------------------------------------------

28 Gays Later

How the West Was Wonderful!

Absolutely Fabulous Baker Boys

Bareback in Seattle

Harold and Kumar Go Shopping for Sleeveless T-Shirts

Oklahomo!

The Good, The Bad, and the Studly


The Top 13 Gay Cowboy Movies
(X-rated)

10> Fellate Your Local Sheriff!

9> A Fisting for Dollars

8> Old Yeller Stain

7> Paint Your Wagon, Then Add a Couple of Chintz Throw Pillows

6> The Fellow's Lips on My Ring

5> Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Cocks

4> Poop Friction

3> Riders of the Purple Sausage

2> The Old Jism Trail

... and the Number 1 Gay Cowboy Movie ...

1> Sphincter's Lust


Top 10 Things Not To Say To Your Girlfriends Parents

10. Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said
you are.
9. Wazzzaaaaap!
8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.
7.You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.
6. No... No... It's OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.
5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?
4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget
is Sam. Is Sally ready?
3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I'm waiting out hear! Send the bitch out!
2. You should be proud, Mr. And
Mrs. Smith, you've raised a good girl. I can't get her to blow me no matter what I say.

And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your girlfriend's
parents for the first time:

1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.

&&&

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss
each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an
air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and,
smiling, he says to her:

Him: "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Her: "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a
sleepy voice she says. "Mom says to go ahead and give him a blowjob.
Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, she can come down herself and
do it. But tell him to take his fuckin' hand off the intercom !!!!

 

[melody]

Things You Really Shouldn't Say During Sex

* Is it in yet?
* (phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothing, and you?
* Do I have to pay for this?
* You look better in the dark.
* I think that goes in the other hole...
* Hey! My mom has that same bra...
* I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
* Hurry up, the game is about to start.
* ZzZzZz
* Are you trying to be funny?
* Can I have a ride home after this?
* Are those real?
* Is that smell coming from you?
* Haven't you ever done this before?
* Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
* You're so much like your sister....
* Your mom is really cute.
* What's your name again?
* Do I have to be here in the morning?
* A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
* But you just started!
* Don't touch that!
* Smile for the camera, honey!
* Get your hand out of there!
* I knew you wore a padded bra!
* Cover me boys, I'm going in!
* Hold on, let me change the channel...
* Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
* Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
* Stop breathing...you're fogging up the wind-shield.
* Stop interrupting me!
* It's okay, honey, I can imagine that it's bigger.
* God, I wish you were a real woman.
* Why can't you ever shave your legs?
* How much do I owe you?
* How come we each have a penis?
* Just use your finger, its bigger.
* Does your family have to watch?
* We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
* Get off me, I'll do it myself!
* Can you hold this sandwich for me?
* Watch...my mom taught me this...
* Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
* Should I ask why you're bleeding?
* I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
* Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
* Is it okay if I tell my friends about this?
* I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
* You wanted me to use a condom?
* Fire in the hole!
* I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
* I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
* Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
* You don't sweat much for a fat chick
* Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
* Can you take it out for a minute, I have to fart.

 

[melody]

Not In The Mood

A man woke up the one morning feeling horny, and asked his wife
for a fuck, but she said she wasn't in the mood.
So he got up, got dressed, and went downstairs and cooked breakfast
for them both.
He ate his, and then took hers up to the bedroom so she could have
breakfast in bed.
He was still feeling horny, and so, after she'd finished her
breakfast, he asked again for a fuck.
She said she was still not in the mood.
So he decided to go out to the newsagent and buy that day's
newspaper.
When he got back he found her still in bed, but naked with her arms
and legs tied up to the bedpost.
So, thinking that she'd changed her mind, and fancied some bondage
fun, he got undressed again, and proceeded to climb into bed for some
action.
She asked him what did he think he was doing, and he told her that
as she was tied up, he thought she'd changed her mind.

She said "You stupid bastard! - While you were out two guys broke in
the house!"

He replied, "Oh no, did they get anything?'

"Did they get anything, hell yes, asshole, they got something. Why
do you think I am naked with a pussy full of cum?"

BBBBBBB

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one
day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"

Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from
work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair
in the bedroom."


Outhouse

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the
kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there
outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at
it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here
outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."

Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the
problem!"

Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and
he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here
outhouse!"

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my
beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
========
John is out in the country with his new bride. They watch as a bull
comes over the rise and bangs six cows in a row, one after the other.
His wife says, "It's a shame a man can't perform like that."
He says, "We could, if we got to change cows every time."
========
A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a
package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered,
"Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"
========
Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.
========
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
========
Why did they fire Ronald MacDonald?
They caught him giving Wendy a Whopper at Burger King!
========
Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
They can't keep their calves together!
========
A BIG CAT can hurt you, but a LITTLE PUSSY never hurt any man.
========
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.

 

[melody]

Fatta Fuck

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father
says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why youa such a fatta fuck?"

Tony says, "Poppa, itsa Mama's spaghetti! I can't stopa
eating it."

Poppa says, "You shoulda takea smaller bites!"

Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why youa such
a fatta fuck?"

Michael says, "Poppa, itsa Mama's lasagna! I can't stopa
eating it, itsa so good."


Mary: So this really drunk, obnoxious guy kept bothering me at the
party last weekend.

Jill: What happened?

Mary: Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out of his pants, and
asked me, "Do you want to taste it?"

Jill: Ohmigod! What did you do?

Mary: Well, I think I handled it pretty well. I just said, "No, you
go ahead. You don't have enough to share."

A man was sunbathing in the nude, when a wasp stung
him on the penis. He made an urgent visit to his doctor
and explained the situation.

"Please, can you remove the sting, Doc?" he pleaded...
"but, don't do anything about the swelling!"

&&&

Q. How much calcium is there in a woman's breasts?
A: Enough to make a bone 8 inches long.

Q. Why sperm donation is expensive than blood donation?
A. Because it is hand made.

Q. When a woman arouses a man and leaves, she is known as a cock
teaser. What is a male called when he does the same to a female?
A. Moisturizer

Q. What do u get when you put a bomb in a girls bra?
A. Tit bits

Q. What do u get when you put a bomb in a guy's under wear?
A. Banana split

Q: What is the useless piece of flesh attached to the penis?
A: The Man.

Q: Why is breast milk good for health?
A: Because it's great for blood circulation, provides heat, is
refreshing and comes in attractive containers.

Q: Why was two-piece bikini invented?
A: To separate meat section from the dairy section.

A man is dying of cancer. His son asked "Dad, why u keep telling
people u r dying of AIDS?"
Dad replies : So when I'm dead no one is going to fuck your mom.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and
if it does not come, you're fucked.

&&&

Poppa says, "You shoulda also takea smaller bites."

Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How youa stay
so slima and trima?"

Fredo says, "Itsa so easy, Poppa. I eata lots and lots
ofa pussy."

Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, dat taste like shit!"

Fredo says, "Poppa, you shoulda takea smaller bites!!

&&&

The Russian couples sex life was terrible, so they went out
and bought a black market copy of a sex manual. A week later,
the man said to the women, "Honey, I want to eat your pussy
like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don’t you
go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"

She agreed. An hour later, she returned, all excited. "You
should see the flavors they have," she told her husband.
"Strawberry, cherry, banana ...."

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna," she replied.

 

[melody]

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than ****** you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

....and the number 1 rejection line given by women

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
_____________________________

On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q.. How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?
A. They're married.

 

[melody]

A Sign In The Pub

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar
which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to
the bar and beckons to one of the three attractive blondes
serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who
gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "indeed I am."
The man replies "Well please wash your hands because I want
a cheese sandwich!"
==========
Thor, the norse god of thunder, decided that he needed some female
company. He soon met a beautiful woman and they snuck away for
some lovemaking.

After many hours, he felt it was time to tell the woman that he
was more than just a mortal man.

He decided to tell her his name.

"You're Thor?" she replied. "I'm tho thor I can barely sit down."
==========
I was in a check out line the other day and the couple in front
of me was arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was
methodically scanning their purchases and kind of listening until
the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum.
He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

Roses And Violets

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fisted

Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I've just cum
Pass me a hanky

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cuz here comes my willy

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits

Roses are crap
Violets are shit
Sit on my face
And wiggle a bit

Roses are red
It's elementary
Let's ring up a friend
And try double entry

Roses are shit
Violets are crap
Show me your clit
And I'll cum in your lap

Roses are red
Skid marks are brown
Give us a blow job
And swallow it down

Roses are groovy
Violets are funky
I'm thinking of you
And spanking my monkey

An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!

My back aches, my pussy is sore,
I simply can't screw any more,
I'm covered with sweat,
You haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!

 

[melody]

Boyfriends Parents House

A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to
be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They
all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning
to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the
broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other
choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty
little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before
she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet,
and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!!!"
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her
face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!!!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, 'yes!' A few minutes later
the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even
think about it.
She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

========

A rich lady gives her butler the night off
because she is going out on a date. When she
arrives back home from the date she saw the
butler was still home and sitting in the front
room. She approached the butler and requested
him to take off her dress, the butler then took
off her dress.
She then asked the butler to take off her bra,
which he did.
She then asked him to take off her panties and
he this this also, the lady then told the butler
never to dress in her clothes again.

 

[melody]

Blonde + Bimbo

New prefix:
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be
used to create new words that describe them:

*Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
*Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
*Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other
clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of
males
*Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
*Bimbag - a blonde's purse
*Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
*Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
*Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost
blondes
*Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the
most recent blonde joke she heard
*Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
*Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
*Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend
ditched her
*Bimboette - a young blonde
*Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to
anyone else
*Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
*Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
*Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
*Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
*Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
*Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
*Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear
smarter than she actually is
*Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall

bbbbb

Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back
streets of Rome late one afternoon. As it turns dusk, the
increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous.
She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come
this way before." The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."

bbbbb

What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everybody has been in a limo.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blow job


And Then The Fight Started...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy Crap?.

That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared
and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground,
ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back,
'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started.....

NNNNN

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.

And then the fight started....

NNNNN

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies,
'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.....

NNNNN

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

NNNNN

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she
answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me
this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

NNNNN

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

NNNNN

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into
a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad
all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife
of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

 

[melody]

Sacred Place

The young lady at the confessional said, "Father, put it in my
pussy!"

"No, child, the vulva is the sacred place whereby you deliver
another child of God," replied the Priest.

"Oh, Father, put it in my mouth then!" begged the young woman.

"No, child, the mouth is the sacred place whereby you eat the sacred
Host," said the Priest "So put it under my armpit!" asked the young
lady.

"No, child, the armpit is the sacred place where you carry the Holy
Bible," replied the Priest.

"OK, Father, then just take it out of my ass cause it hurts!"

xxxxx

There once was a man name Homer
Who had a kidney stone stuck in his boner.
He did scream and shout
When they yanked that sucker out.
And his piss shot all the way to Tacoma!

There once was a boy named Mark
Who liked to have sexual fun in the dark
One day his dad walked through the door
And Mark's vibrator fell to the floor
So now Mark vibrates his ass in the park.

There once was a man named Bob,
Who wanted an ass for his knob.
He bought an old whore,
Entered the backdoor.
He wishes she wiped, that slob.

There once was a poor man named Crocket
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
So she cranked on the switch,
And Crocket took off like a rocket!

There once was a woman from Latch,
Who jacked herself off with a match.
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burnt all the hair off her snatch.


Becky And Morris

Becky was lying on her death bed in the hospital when her husband came to
visit her. Becky said to her husband, "you know Morris we have been
married for over fifty years and we never had oral sex.Before I die I want
you to try it on me.
Morris agreed,and pulled the curtain closed around the bed and
proceeded to lick her virgina. Morris visited his wife the next day and
found his wifesitting in a chair ,all
made up and ready to go home. The doctors told morris that a miricle
had happened to his wife which was unexplainable. Morris smirked and then
went into a deprresion.
His wife said to Morris "whats wrong with you.Morris replied, if I knew
today what I learned yesterday I could have saved my Mother,sister and my
aunt Sadie.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

My girlfriend and I just split up.
I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible.
I'm a Virgo and she's an asshole.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

College is like a woman
You work so hard to get in,
and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

At the counter, a woman was complaining about the
departure time, saying, "Young man, I could stick a feather in
my damn ass and get there faster."

The clerk smiled and said, "Madam, the runways are clear."
You are free to take off!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

What kind of sign does a prostitute hang on her door when she goes on
vacation?
"GO SCREW YOURSELF!"
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

&&&

A teacher asks an redneck girl to use "handsome" in a sentence. She
says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome
time."

As the turd said to the arsehole, "I don't ever want to go through
that again!"
The penis-enlarging pills my boyfriend bought online must be
working. At this point, he's a bigger dick than he was a few months
ago.

 

[melody]

The Pelvic Exam

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room.
Doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

&&&

There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, 'You're a tight one'
She said, 'Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one.'

A recent study was made to find out what days
men prefer to have sex: It was found that men
preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days
that started with "T":

Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday

 

[melody]

Firehouse System

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day
and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the
firehouse.
Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on.
Bell #2 rings, and we
all slide down the pole.
Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!"
"So," he continues, "From now on, we're going to run this house the
same way.
When I say Bell #1, I want
you to strip naked.
When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed
and when I say Bell #3, we're going to make love all night!"
The wife
is agreeable with this arrangement. The next night, he came home from
work and yelled,
"Bell #1!" The wife took off all her clothes.
"Bell #2!".....The wife jumped into bed.
"Bell #3!"..... They began passionate loving...
After two minutes, the wife yelled, "Bell #4!".....
The husband asked "What the hell is Bell #4?"
"MORE HOSE!" she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"


A blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...Helllloooo!!!..bottles won't fit in the typewriter!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my Jeep in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 and a half days - instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!

 

[melody]

Disabilities

Poor little Johnny had been blind from birth. One night before he went to bed, his mother told him that the next day was very special. She told him if he prayed very hard to God, he would be able see when he woke up. Johnny was very excited and prayed very hard for two hours.
The next morning, Johnny's mum came into his room. She smiled at her son and said, "Wake up Johnny. Open your eyes and all your prayers will be answered!"
Johnny opened his eyes and began screaming, "Mother, mother, I still can't see!"
"I know darling," said his mother, "April Fool!"
1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif
Did you hear about the three lepers playing cards?
One of them had bad cards so he threw his hand in. The second lost all his money so he cried his eyes out and the third won so he laughed his head off!
1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip!

Why was the leper prostitute going bankrupt?
All her business was dropping off!
What's small, green and falls apart?
A leperchaun!
1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif
There was a lady with no arms or legs sitting on the beach enjoying the sun and surf, when this man walks up and says, "Hey, lady have you ever been kissed before?"
"No." the lady replied.
"Well," said the man, "Have you ever been licked before?"
"No." the lady said again.
"Hmmm," asked the man, "have you ever been fucked before?"
"No, I haven't. But I would like to!" said the lady.
"Well, bitch, you are now! The tide is coming in!"
1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif
When I asked her to the prom she just looked at me and giggled and smiled. When I asked her to dance, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to move in with me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to kiss me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to make love to me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to marry me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her if she would bear my children she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
That's when I realised she was a fucking retard!
1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif
Three retards are walking along the street when they come across a dog turd.
The first one sticks his eye in it and says to the others, "It looks like doggie poo!"
The second one sticks his nose in it and says to the others, "It smells like doggie poo!"
The third one licks it and says to the others, "It sure tastes like it, good thing we didn't stand in it!"
1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif
What is the best part of marrying a woman with leprosy?
She can only give you lip once!


What's green and melts in your mouth?
A dead lepers cock!


Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
Because you can park in the disabled zone!
1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif 1abu126.gif
How did the one armed blonde get out of the tree?
Someone waved at her!
The horny midget found that the best way to score with women was to be totally direct about it. So he went up to this tall, beautiful, blonde woman and said, "Hey honey, what would you say to a little fuck?"
She looked down on him and said, "Hello little fuck!"

 

[melody]

Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs

Snow White was desperate for a fuck
She went to the woods to try her luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up

 

[melody]

And The Bad News IS???

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I'm sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show. That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an important government position where he comes from. Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

-Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both
terribly...and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.

 

[melody]

The Elephant And The Ant

This elephant was walking through the jungle one day when she got
a thorn in her foot. The further she walked, the more it hurt and
after a while, she started to limp.

As she was limping along, an ant walks up and asks, "Hey, what's
the matter?"

"I've got this thorn in my foot and I would do *anything* to get
it out."

The ant says, "Anything? Well, would you let me screw you?"

The elephant thought about it for a minute and decided, "Why not?
How bad could an ant be?" So she agreed.

The ant started pulling on the thorn and, eventually, got it out.

True to her word, the elephant then laid down on her side and
moved her tail out of the way. The ant crawled up and started
going to town.

A monkey was up in a coconut palm watching all this. He couldn't
quite believe his eyes. When the ant mounted the pachyderm, the
monkey started laughing and rolling around in the tree. His
actions knocked a coconut out of the tree that fell hit the
elephant right between the ears.

The elephant moaned loudly in pain, "Awwoooohhhhh! "

Hearing this, the ant yelled out at the top of his voice,

"Take it all baby, take it all!"
________

TRUE FACT: Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm
(X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows
them down but allows them to live longer.

THEREFORE: Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring
because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the
"sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have
more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y
sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."

CONCLUSION: Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father
had a big dick.

 

[melody]

How To Get Rid Of Crabs

Little Johnny got the crabs from a girlfriend and wanted to know how
to get rid of them. There are three options.

1. Hold a mirror opposite of your genitals and the crabs will think
that there is another crotch to jump off onto.

2. Shave off half of your pubic hair, set the other half on fire
and stab the crabs with an ice pick when they run out of the first
half.

3. Go to a movie; buy a box of popcorn, a coke, and a pack of milk
duds. When the movie is really getting to a point of real
excitement be sure to drop some of the popcorn into your lap so the
crabs can eat some of the popcorn. The salt in the popcorn will
make the crabs really thirsty, and they will go to the lobby to get
some water.
While they are gone, you get up and move to another seat

--------

Things You Will Never Hear A Man Say.

* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open
when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at
them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!


The Love Quiz

1. What three household items are your idea for a romantic evening?

a) A roll of duct tape, a can of beans and some pliers.
b) A wig, an umbrella and some jumper cables.
c) A snow globe, a water gun and some piano wire

2. When you're whispering in your loved one's ear, how might they
respond?

a) "How dare you talk about my momma!"
b) "Can you move? I can't see the television."
c) "Yes I paid the light bill."

3. Which Stooge best describes how you and your partner fool around?

a) Curly - active and full of energy
b) Moe - abusive and mean
c) Larry - you know..

4.Which of the following is your idea of a romantic meal?

a) Double Quarter Pounder with cheese Meal from McDonalds.
b) The Big Beef Burrito Supreme Meal from Taco Bell
c) An order of Buffalo Wings from Domino's pizza

5. What is your favorite part of your lover's body?

a) The part they can put behind their head.
b) The part they put in your ear.
c) The part that can fix your dinner

Total the points for the answers you gave

1) a=5
b=10
c=0

2) a=10
b=5
c=0

3) a=10
b=0
c=5

4) a=5
b=0
c=10

5) a=5
b=10
c=0

What does it all mean?

50-41: A Rose
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and you, my friend,
have
dived head first in a vat of the old "Love Potion Number Nine."

40-31: A Sunflower
Your techniques are dead on target but a little refresher course
from
Mr. Feelgood might raise your HMO, if you know what I mean.
(Actually I
don't know what I mean.)

30-21: A Daffodil
Things will heat up when the pressure's on but they can disappear
quickly with a quick gust of the wind. Kiss your lover before they
kiss
you goodbye.

20-11: A Tulip
Chances are your significant other thinks you're boring, dull and
unattractive. Now here's the bad news...

10-0: Crabgrass
Your significant other thinks you're clinically dead.

 

[melody]

"What Are You Doing?"

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents" room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"
"It’s ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that’s all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving his father a blow job.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there’s been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

YYYYY

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: How do you know you’re leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let’s just be friends."

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don’t work

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony?
A: He was getting into everybody’s hair.

Daffynition - Virgin: a girl who doesn't give a fuck.

Q: Where do they post pictures of missing partial transsexuals?
A: On cartons of half-and-half.

YYYYY

DEAR MADAM:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR
SEX TOYS WEBSITE.
YOU'VE REQUESTED THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS
FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM.
THAT'S OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.


The Checkup

A woman went with her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, prepare him a good, healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with any jobs about the house. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, give him a blow job several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?
"He said you’re going to die," she replied.

-=-=-=-=-=-

The rude redhead was on a blind date set up by a friend. She was
disgusted by him - he had bad teeth, and was fairly dirty.

"Wow," he said, "when I was told that you were fiery, I didn't
realize they meant you were a redhead."

"Wow," she replied tartly, "I didn't realize that when they said you
were under six feet, they meant that's where they dug you up from."

-=-=-=-=-=-

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Some guy is claiming that a tonic of beer and urine will improve
your garden. Come on, if that was true, wouldn't frat houses be
like tropical rain forests?

-=-=-=-=-=-

How do you tell if you've had a really good night of oral sex?
-You wake up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out
of your mouth.

How can you tell if a pussy really stinks?
-A fly lands on it and throws up.

What's the definition of sick?
-Sticking a prune up your Grandma's cunt, and sucking TWO out!!!

 

[melody]

Three Breasts

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district
until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The
Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little
interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime
experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the
counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he
says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand
dollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his
wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a
little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room...
there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it...
three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of
the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp
another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that
little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before,
she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is
wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after
which she smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only
suck out a boil like that once!".


A middle aged couple is watching TV when an evangelist comes on
and promises to heal the sick.

The evangelist says, "Pray with me, placing your right hand in
the air and your left hand on the afflicted area."

So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on
his crotch.

His wife says, "Honey, he said heal the sick, not raise the dead."


Naughty Little Johnny

Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York
during the winter. He and his friend went outside to
play in the snow. After about an hour, his friend's
mother called them back inside and had them remove
their galoshes and gloves.

Little Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous,
woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them
between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in
from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were
cold, to which he replied "yes".

She then put them together and stuck them between her
warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked "are they
warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes". Little
Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.

His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were
cold, to which he replied, "yes". So she took his
hands, put them together and stuck them between her
thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands
were "warm yet" and he said "yes". So she took them
out.

Little Johnny continued to stand there with a sly grin
on his face. When the mom asked "well what is it now,
Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied
"my ears are cold too!"

@@@

Tony, the Italian milk man, had a door to door delivery service. A lady
called down from her apartment, "Hey, Tony, I need two bottles of
milk."

"What apartment, lady?"

She said, "4 Q."

Tony said, "4 Q too, lady!"