JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Nude Beaches

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit
the nude beaches while they were there.
They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they
told him that the men with really
big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big
tits were really really dumb.
When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son
and asked where his dad was.
The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this
really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the
dumber he got."



"Little Johnny, what does your Daddy do for a living?", the teacher
asked. Johnny answered, "My Daddy is a dildo maker and he says my
mommy is a test pilot"

Two friends are talking in a bar.
One says to the other, "Did you know that 60% of all men fall
immediately asleep after they had intercourse with a woman?"
To which his friend asks, "No, but what about the other 40%?"
Well, he says "The other 40% must first drive home first..."



How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
The kid stutters.

How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry

 

[melody]

Pee Behind A Hedge

A couple's taking a walk, and as they walk hand-in-hand, the guy starts to get
aroused. He's just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind,
but I have to take a pee." He says, "Sure, go behind the hedge." She disappears
behind the hedge, and as he waits, he hears the sound of her jeans being rolled
down her legs and imagines her exposed twat. He can't contain himself, so he reaches
through a gap in the hedge and touches her leg. Then he moves his hand up her
thigh until he finds himself gripping something long and thick between her legs.
He says, "My God, Mary, did you change your sex?" She says,
"No, I changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead."

jjjjj

A man gets sent to prison and, as soon as he walks in, his
huge, buff cellmate says to him, "We're gonna play house. Do
you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"

After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers,
"Well, if I have to choose, I guess I'll be the daddy."

"OK," his cellmate says, "then get over here and suck mommy's
dick."

jjjjj

Q. How many chauvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None! Let the bitch cook in the dark!

Q: What do lesbians need to get married?
A: A licker license.

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his arse.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world.
Those that want to get ahead, and those that just want to get head.

Did you hear about the blonde that gave the guy a blowjob while he was
driving?
They both fell off the motorcycle

 

[melody]

Masturbation Tips

If you're a girl

1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss
container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.

2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're
comfortable.

4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than
your head. Spread your legs.

5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there.
Think about nothing. And DON'T BE NERVOUS.

6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts.
Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make
sure you're not focusing on anything)

7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down
to your thigh.
Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.

8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or
your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling
like you really want to touch it. DON'T.

9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between
your poop hole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin
to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you
know where it is before you start all this.)

10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard
yet.

11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get
going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the
teasing, very gently.

12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but
just finger it softly.

13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand.
Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit
harder. (That's the spot above the hole)

14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet.
It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a
sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and
keep going.

15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your
pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it
all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start
massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the
brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.

16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth
hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit
again.

17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out
for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with
the teasing. Since you have already done it, you're going to want
it worse.

18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to
something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore
after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.

If you're a boy

1)Read this.

2)Rub penis.

 

[melody]

The Pollack Teacher

Two redneck boys are sitting in their redneck class one
day when they realize they can see straight up their Pollack
teacher's skirt and she wasn't wearing any underwear..
One says to the other, "What do you suppose those little
brown things are? They look like raisins. She musta had
raisins at lunch and dropped some in her lap."
The other says "Naw - them's dung balls from the way
women wipe their asses."
"Nope - them's raisins."
Finally, they approach the teacher and ask her. "Johnny
says them things around your snatch is raisins and I say
they're dung balls from the way you wipe your ass. Which
one's right?"
"Neither, " replied the Pollack teacher kindly. "They're flies."

()()()()()

There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood
The question's not woody but could he?

There once was a girl from Azores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores,
the men who got pussed,
were desperate for lust,
and licked up what was left in her drawers.

()()()()()

INSULTS:

"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"She's had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a hat full of assholes."
"Couldn't organize a fuck in a whorehouse with a fist full of fifties."
"I've seen better heads in a piss trough."
"She's as ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"If I had a head like yours, I'd circumcise it."

 

[melody]

TEN THINGS A MAN NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT A WOMAN:

1. Does she have a "mute" button?
2. Does she cook?
3. Does she clean?
4. Does she wash?
5. Does she iron?
6. Does she fuck like a pro?
7. Are her breasts big enough?
8. Does she swallow?
9. Does she swallow?
10. Does she gargle first, and then swallow?

hhhhh

A butcher had a daughter that he couldn't marry off for the life of him.
She showed no interest in any of her suitors. This caused poor old Butch to
lose a lot of sleep, nights, worrying that he was going to wind up with an
old maid permanently on his hands.
Then late on night he heard a noise coming from the shop below his
bedroom. He went down to investigate, and observed his daughter masturbating
furiously with a salami. He shook his head sadly and went back to bed.
The next day a customer came into the shop and asked to buy the salami.
"I'm sorry, but that salami is not for sale. You see, it's my son-in-law."

hhhhh

One friend in a bar asked another, "So, how did you do with that blonde
you took home last night."
"Terrible. She had the biggest cunt I've ever seen."
"So, what did you do?"
"Not much I could do. I just threw in a quarter, made a wish, and
sent her home."

 

[melody]

Hilarious Shorties

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's
lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him
severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared,
"just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his
rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that
better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very well, my darling," the husband whispered. "Now would
you be so kind as to please pass the cunt?
__________

An old man looking for oral sex approached his wife
with a horny invitation, "How would you like to wrap your
teeth around my dick tonight?"
The old lady nodded willingly, removed her dentures
and said, "Do whatever you want with them, just don't
wake me."
__________

Q: What is the definition of Gross?
A1: When you're sitting on you grandfather's lap he pops a boner.
A2: Your little brother has lost his scab collection and you're
eating his corn flakes.

Q: What is the definition of "gross"?
A: When you ask your grandmother what's for dinner and
she sits on your face and says tuna.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: When you reply saying, I thought I said hold the mayo!
__________

SEXUAL DAFFYNITIONS:

Seersucker ... A person who blows clairvoyants.
Trampoline ... A sexual lubricant popular with sluts.
Douche ... A female duke.
Nymphomaniac ... A man's term for a woman who
wants to have sex more often than he does.
__________

A Redneck is hunting in Arkansas and shoots and kills a
deer. Upon closer examination he realizes that it was a cow.
Going up to the nearest farmhouse, he explains the mistake
he has made to the farmer.
"My God!" the farmer says, "You done kilt my favorite
heifer.She had a pussy just like a woman's!"
"Don't worry," the Redneck says, "I'll give you my wife.
She has a pussy like a cow's."

 

[melody]

Cyber Sex Chat

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see
below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an
online chat
doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he
does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are
36-24-36.
What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart. I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells
funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your
eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to
fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My
soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's
stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breasts. My
nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's
the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked
bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture
frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at
it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: (logged off)

 

[melody]

CURIOUS LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, was rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys and he wondered what it was like and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother who became rather flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Johnny, his mother told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did.
The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mom.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile then he turned off most of the lights.
He then started hugging and kissing her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart just like the doctor would do. He was not as smart as a doctor because he seemed to be having trouble finding it.

"I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it in her skirt.
About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and groan and squirm around and slide down towards the end of the couch.
This is when the fever started. "I knew it was the fever because Sis said she felt real hot.

Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest.
Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. "When Sis saw it, she got real scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and started calling to God and stuff. She said it was the biggest one she ever saw......
I should have told her about the one down at the lake.

"Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go.
I guess it bit her back.
Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while her boyfriend took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
"Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess he wanted to kill it by squeezing it between them.

"After a while they both quit moving and a great sigh came forth. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, the eel was dead.
I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp with some of its insides hanging out.

"Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went on courting anyways.
He started hugging and kissing her again.

By golly the eel wasn`t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats with 9-lives.

"This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed it.
I knew it was dead because I saw Sis`s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet....."

 

[melody]

Rain On Your Parade

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful!" exclaimed the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, He would personally greet me."

"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who f*cked up your hair?"

-------

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
"YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE".
He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,
you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind
of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you
will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The f*ckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

 

[melody]

Dorothy & Edna

Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.

Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go
out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

~~~

Q: What does WIFE stand for?
A : Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etcetera.

~~~

I said to this Sheila the other day, "Oooo that's nice perfume you've got on, what's it called?" She said, "It's called 'come to me'." I said, "Is that right, it doesn't smell like cum to me!"

~~~

An elderly couple were attending church when about halfway through the service she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"
Her husband leans over to her and replies, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid." :

 

[melody]

The Trained Alligator

A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator.

The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing
out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment"

The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well
trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the
bar and says, "open".

The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp
teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis
through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.

He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the
alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the
beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.

He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is
perfectly trained. Does anyone else want to try it?"

After looking around he finally hears a drunk say, "Sure I'd like to
try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."

============

There was a young man of L'Hore
Whose dink was one inch and no more
Which was all right for keyholes
And little girls' pee holes
But no good at all with a whore

Two fishermen would pull on their gators,
Then insert in their rectums vibrators.
Erect cocks they then took,
And impaled on a hook,
Because they were both master baiters

============

Q. Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake "The Exorcist"?
A. It's about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her
son!

Q: What'd the wife do when she found out her husband was a fag?
A: She turned around and took it like a man!

Little Jack Horner
sat in the corner
fucking this cutie pie
stuck in his 'stone'
made the bitch moan
said "one hell of a dude am I"

What is the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
A Hobo is a loner who doesn't have any friends.
A Homo has friends up the ass.

 

[melody]

There is a guy at the bar and he's feeling low. He walks in and he sits down next to a man with leprosy, who also had his share of bad luck. The young man says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer," so, he gets one. He drinks it fast, and runs and throws up. The guy with leprosy says, "If I make you that uncomfortable, well, I will leave , OK?" The other guy says, "No, you ain't making me sick, it's the guy behind you. He's dipping his nachos into your back!"

ddddd

Q.: What should a guy do when her girlfriend forgets to take her birth
control pills?
A.: Give her a good tongue-lashing.

Q.: How can you tell if a pig is in heat?
A.: She buys the first two rounds.

Have you seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?
Let me see your driver's license and I'll show you one.

There are many ways to say I love you,
but screwing is the fastest.

Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians? The tongue
is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off.
Q: What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
A: Both need a hoe to stay in business.

ddddd

Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out of Sex

10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.

9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.

8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd
Feel I was making love to Big Foot.

7. You're 20 bucks short.

6. We're out of gin again.

5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.

4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.

3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier
Watching all those porno's.

2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese
Hooker.

1. Your gynecologist just called. You still have crabs,
And you know I don't like seafood.

ddddd

There was a young girl from Seattle
Who got her kicks sucking off cattle,
'til a bull from the South
Popped a load in her mouth
That made both her ovaries rattle.

 

[melody]

The Warning Signs of Insanity...

* Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

* You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

* You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

* Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

* You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

* You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

* Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

* People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

* Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

* Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

* You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

* You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

* Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

* You collect dead windowsill flies.

* Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

* You like cats. Especially with mayo.

* You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

* You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

* You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

* Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

* Melba toast excites you.

* When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

* You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

* You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

* You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

* You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

* People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

* You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindu.

* You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

* The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

* You like reading lists like this.

 

[melody]

A group of blind lesbians were bunchin'
Together to have a big luncheon.
But no one could tell,
Except by the smell,
Exactly whose cunt each was munchin'!

&*()

This bloke walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a meal.
Two girls come in and sit at a table near him.

"Waiter," says the bloke. "A bottle of your finest wine for my two
friends here."

"Look mate," replied the waiter. "They're lesbians. You won't get
anywhere with them."

The bloke insisted on the wine and the waiter shrugs and says, "It's
your bloody money but I warned you."

One of the girls comes over to his table and thanks him for the wine.

"That's OK," he replies. "Anything for you two beautiful girls."

"Right," she says. "So do you fancy my friend?"

"I sure do," he replies.

"Would you like to smell her pussy?" she asks.

"Yeah," he gasps "You bet!" So she breathed on him!

&*()

In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming
together.

On the first night Jill turns to her friend Sally, puts her hand on her
shoulder, and says, "There's something
I've been meaning to tell you about myself. I'll be frank, I'm a
lesbian."
"That's OK," says Sally. "I'll be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian
too."

&*()

Q: How many screws are there in a lesbian's coffin?
A: None, it's all tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: You know, we do taste like chicken.

Q: Did you hear about the lesbian who took Viagra?
A: She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a week!

Q: What do you call a thick fingered lesbian?
A: Well hung.

Q: Why are lesbians fatter than straight women?
A: Because they're always eating out and don't do dick.

Q: What do two lesbians do when they're both menstruating?
A: Finger-paint.

Q: What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
A: Klondike.

Q: Why were lesbians invented?
A: So feminists wouldn't breed.

 

[melody]

Confession

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil
by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His
praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips
began to move slightly.

"My darling Jake," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have
something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "Everything's
all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your
best friend and your father."

"I know darling," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

,,,

Q: Why did the blonde pee on the floor?
A: Because the sign said "wet floor."

Q: Why are coffins for blonde's shaped like a triangle?
A: Because every time their heads hit a pillow, their legs spread
open.

,,,

There once were three women from Birmingham
And this is the story concerning them.
They lifted the frock
and tickled the cock
of the Bishop while he was confirming them.

Now the Bishop was nobody's fool
(He'd gone to a good public school)
So he pulled down their britches
and buggered those bitches
with his ten inch Episcopal tool.

When he'd filled up the last one with goo
She said, as the Bishop withdrew
"The Vicar is thicker
and quicker and slicker
and longer and stronger than you!"

 

[melody]

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless
panties to surprise her boyfriend.

She went and bought them, got home, put them on
and waited.

When the boyfriend got home there she was spread
eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra
on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling.

The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do
that to your panties - I ain't going any where
near it!"

======

Seen on a Bumper Sticker the other day:

" I like to be a bitch so much that it pisses me off
when my period ends."

======

A married guy was out getting a little kinky sex when
he suffered a massive heart attack and died...

The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the
body, saying "Your late husband died with a tremendous
erection that we can't get to go away... What would
you like us to do?"

To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise
me...Cut it off and stuff it in his ass."

When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat
pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he
lay in the casket... Bending over him she said softly...

"Hurts, doesn't it?"

&&&

Little Johnny was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman
about to breastfeed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a
very large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth.

"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" Little Johnny asked.

"Relax, son. She's just feeding him," his father replied.

"Get the fuck outta here!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "There's no way
he'll eat all of that!"

 

[melody]

Routine Physical

When Dan came in for the results of his routine
physical, the doctor said gently, "Dan, you'd
better sit down. I've got some good news
and some bad news."

"Okay," said Dan, taking a seat, "give me
the bad news first."

"well," said the doctor, "you've only got
three weeks to live."

"Jesus!, gasped Dan, wiping the sweat from
his brow. "What the hell's the good news?"

"You know that really gorgeous receptionist
out in the front office?"

"You Bet!" answered Dan

"The one with the body that won't quit?"

"Right.."

"And the blond hair and baby blue eyes--"

Yeah, yeah..." interrputed Doug, "What's
the good news?"

Leaning forward, the doctor whispered with
a grin, "I'm sleeping with her!"

=========

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I
knee pains.

"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your
knees?" asked the doctor.

"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."

"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual
positions?"

"Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!"

===========

"You know what life really is?
You're born, you suck your mother's tits. You get a little older, you
suck your girlfriend's tits. You get married, you suck your wife's
tits.
That's what life is. Life sucks."

 

[melody]

The Good, Bad, Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
UGLY: Your daughter has them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
UGLY: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
UGLY: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
UGLY: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees speech to
your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
UGLY: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
UGLY: She's a lawyer.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
UGLY: You have to wait.

Good: Your daughter likes to play with
dolls
Bad: She's 28 years old
UGLY: They're blow up dolls from the
sex shop.

======

SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA MERGERS

BUDWEISER AND VIAGRA
"It's Whazzzzzzz Up!"

BOUNTY AND VIAGRA
"The quicker pecker upper!"

CHEVY AND VIAGRA
"Like a rock!"

FEDEX AND VIAGRA
"When it absolutely, positively has to be there TONIGHT.

THE ARMY AND VIAGRA
"Be all that you can be."

BELL AND VIAGRA
"Reach out and touch someone . . . for at least an hour."

SECRET AND VIAGRA
"Strong enough for a man, but MADE for a woman!"

GENERAL ELECTRIC AND VIAGRA
"We bring good things to life!"

 

[melody]

Filthy Funny Sexual Positions

Comet Trail: After shooting your wad in some ho's mouth, slap her briskly across the cheek. If it's a clear, starry night, and the crack is brisk enough, a long strand of man sherbet should streak up her cheek and into her hair, resembling a tail of a comet. Making her sit on a telescope during the deed is only intended for the most wily astronomer.

Jackhammer: You start doing a girl from behind, and you quickly pull out and put it in her ass, then pull out and put in back into her pussy. Repeat that until she looses all control over her body and her arms collapse, then pull out and spunk in her hair.

Paul Bunyan Log Slam: Get a girl to shit for you, and when the turtle head starts to show, slam your dick right in to the log. Make sure you call her "Babe" sometime during the lumberjack session to complete the Paul Bunyan effect.

Double Fishhook: Do the girl doggy style, and reach around with your index fingers slightly bent in the shape of a fishhook and stick the both in her mouth and grab her cheeks and pull back as hard as you can.

Northwave Sanchez: Some of you might know this as "Indian War paint", but I assure you it is the

Northwave Sanchez. You start ramming the bitch from behind, and you jackhammer her once, then turn her around, and give her some nice skid marks right under her eyes. That's the Sanchez the Northwave way.

Bagpipe: Now this one is a little confusing so bare with me if you?re a little slow in the head. While getting some dome, the girl puts her left hand under one nut from the front, wraps her right arm around your upper thigh putting her hand through your legs and finally placing her hand under your other nut. Now that she is in the position to play, and the dick piece is firmly set in her mouth, she proceeds to juggle both your balls and rub your choda as she sucks you off. I know there?s a lot going on here, that?s why it kinda like playing the bagpipes. If you can do this ladies, I give you kudos.

Lochness Monster: You take home the bar star you've been buying drinks for all night. You get in the car for the drive home and the wench starts to give you road head. When she comes up for air, you realize she's an ugly monster with three humps and a fucked-up, long neck. You bust in its face, step on the gas, and push it out of the car. Now it's time to call the Enquirer and report your sighting.

 

[melody]

Perversions

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There
is a hot chick sitting a couple of stools over. She looks at him
and gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink,
which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries
of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through
a divorce.
"You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"
"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.
"What a coincidence, MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he
says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex."
"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we
explore our perversions together?"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing
neither can go to one anothers house because of their estranged
spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone.
The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time,
and jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation
of what is to come...
"Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans
from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears
his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down.
Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she
hears him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt
getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!"
she complained.
"We did!" he says, "I just shit in your purse!"

=====

Men's Three Rules Of Getting Old

1. Never pass a bathroom
2. Never waste a hard-on
3. Never trust a fart

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my
son move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: Why do women always go to the bathroom right after sex?
A: They can't teach their pussies to spit.