JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

"What Would You Do If You Woke Up And Had A Penis?"

Here are women's actual responses...

*I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it,
whatever
he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."

*I would write my name in the snow."

*I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where
is my raise?'"

*I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll
over and try something new."

*I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."

*I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."

*I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."

*I would measure it both ways."

*Pee off of a tall building."

*I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."

*I would treat women better with it."

*I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."

*Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit
the water and not pee all over everything."

*Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."

*I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."

*Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what
was the best."

*Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."

*See how many donuts I could carry with it."

*Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"

&&&

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make
you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I
squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

=====

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a
recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an
orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"


How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale...

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner... as well as in the
morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how
much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case,
blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can
weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are
always five pounds off...to your advantage.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in,
completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a
pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has
to weigh something, right?).

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the
towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly
let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You
will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Things I've Learned

I've learned - that you can keep puking after you think you're
finished.

I've learned - that we are responsible for what we do, unless we
are celebrities.

I've learned - that no matter how you try to protect your children,
they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned - that the people you care most about in life are
taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go
away.

I've learned - to say "fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6
languages.

 

[melody]

TOP 13 INTERNATIONAL WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER

13: Kick her in the rear, Vladamir.
12: Put the pedal to the metal, Gretel.
11: Fire up the Jaguar, Dagmar.
10: Tell her to shave her armpit hair, Pierre.
9: Put on her underpants, Hans.
8: Blow up her car, Moammar.
7: Complain about her cous-cous, Boutros-Boutros.
6: Push him in the Yangtze, Xiao Li.
5: Lock her in the john, Juan.
4: Ditch her at the Kabuki, Teruyuki.
3: Knock up another chick, Mick.
2: Tell her you're gay, Jose.
1: Just show her that sore, Thor.

ggggg

There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly,
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly.

ggggg

A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor.
The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly.
Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."

 

[melody]

"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden,
"what did you and Eve do today?"
"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.
"Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.
"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.
"And then what did you do?" God asked.
"We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."
"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
"She's down at the brook washing herself out."
"Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all my fish are going to smell like PUSSY!"

=====

Did you hear about the blonde who got a Toy Poodle for her Birthday??
She Killed It Trying To Get The Batteries Up It's Ass!

=====

A teacher asks an Arkansas redneck girl to use the word "handsome" in a
sentence.

She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome."

=====

A shiftless young fellow of Kent
Had his wife fuck the landlord for rent.
But as she grew older,
The landlord grew colder,
And now they live out in a tent.

=====

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and
lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and
everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie
face down on that couch."

=====

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after
….you dump a load into it.
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q: What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?
A: You make new friends every day.

 

[melody]

How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?
~ Douche with beer.

What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
~ A homo-sex-y'all.

Why is sex is like software?
~ For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

What's the most active muscle in a woman ?
~ The penis.

What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
~ A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

What's the definition of a vicious circle?
~ A pussy with teeth.

How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex?
~ She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.

How do you get a woman off during sex?
~ Push her.

YYYYY

A married man asked his wife what she would like
to have for their anniversary.
"I'd like something shiny that goes from zero to 200
in less than 6 seconds!" she says.
The husband bought her a bathroom scale.

YYYYY

A man and a woman are riding an elevator.
The man says: "Can I smell your vagina?"
"Fuck no!"
"Oh -- then it must be your feet."

YYYYY

Q: Why don't women need drivers licenses?
A: Because there aren't any roads from the kitchen to the bedroom.

Q: What do your pregnant girlfriend and a slinky have in common?
A: They both need a push down the stairs.

 

[melody]

Movie Quiz

Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find
out what
movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can
likely
predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me
how.

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite
movie in the
list of 18 movies below.

Mine was "Star Wars" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before
you
scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.

Now look up your number in the list below...

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

It is really amazing, isn't it?

@@@

A teacher asks her class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second little girl says, "Predator." Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Then little Johnny puts up his hand and says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word too, but I don't think we can count it because it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my mum has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

@@@

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.


Loving Valentines from Us Gals to You Guys

You say you would like to screw me.
You say I make you drool.
But when it comes to making love
you suck and I'd rather use my mechanical tool.

You understand how to make me moan, how to make me squirm.
But when it comes to your dick; it feels more like a little worm.

Size DOES matter. I don't care what they say.
So please do both of us a favor and just go away.

Making love should be grand. It should make my heart to thump.
But all I usually get out of it is just feeling you hump!

Our relationship is over, it's kaput, its at the very end.
You're a really bad fuck. I'm moving on to you best friend.

I've had relationships before boyfriends one and two.
They're dead now, but their still better at making love than you.

You get it up, you put in, you go off and then you pull it out.
I'll never have sex with you again you shitty lout!

Broad shoulders you have; a small waist and a really nice firm ass.
But you're too much in love with yourself so I think I'll have to
pass.

Having sex with you has left me empty and bitter.
I'd rather do it with the ugly guy next door .
I'm his baby sitter.

I'd like to have sex with you. You're built like a big stud horse.
But you're so damn ugly; I'd have to put a paper bag over your face
of course.

I wouldn't mind having sex with you. You're tender, gentle and kind.
But when someone's so ugly that it'd take two bags . that's where I
draw the line!

iiiii

A girl was telling her date about her old boyfriend, and while doing

so was stroking her beer bottle up and down many times. Finally her

date has had enough and says, " You're always thinking about him.
Why don't you think about me once in a while?"
"OK!" she says and starts stroking the top two inches of her bottle.

iiiii

There was a young fellow of Harrow
Whose john was the size of a marrow.
He said to his tart,
"How's this for a start?
My balls are outside in a barrow."

 

[melody]

What Was He?

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. His last request was a drink.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.

********

Oral sex is a matter of taste.
Q: Do you know how Monatanans practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q: What did the sign over the entrance door to Planned Parenthood say?
A: Thank you for not coming.

Q: What is male menopause?
A: The change of wife.
Q: What is a girl scout knife?
A: A boy scout knife with a dildo attachment.


3O Little Dick Lines

Girls, ever have to utter one of these lines?

1- I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2- Ahhhh, it s cute.
3- Why don't we just cuddle?
4- You know they have surgery to fix that.
5- Make it dance.
6- Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7- Wow, and your feet are so big.
8- It ' s OK, we'll work around it.
9- Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10- Oh no... a flash headache.
11- (giggle and point)
12- Can I be honest with you?
13- How sweet, you brought incense.
14- This explains your car.
15- Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16- Why is God punishing me?
17- At least this won't take long.
18- I never saw one like that before.
19- But it still works, right?
20- It looks so unused.
21- Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22- Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23- Are you cold?
24- Only if you get me real drunk first.
25- Is that an optical illusion?
26- What is that?
27- It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28- Does it come with an air pump?
29- So, this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30- I guess this makes me the early bird.

________

Q: What is the proper thing to throw at a pregnant bride at her wedding?
A: Puffed rice.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl in Poland?
A: A tourist!

Q: Why did God give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

 

[melody]

A Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

*****

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician
solicitously.
"Nah," replied the blonde mother to be.
"He and my husband don't get along."

 

[melody]

Gay James goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "James, I'm not going to beat around the bush.You have AIDS." Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, one huge box of grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Gay James asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc answers, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

=====

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.

=====

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

=====

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those
who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

=====

What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

=====

An Alabama redneck was sittin' on the sofa, with his half naked woman,
watching the news from San Francisco. "Jus' look at them
homo-sexshuals. They're ruining the country. with men marryin' men, and
women marryin' women. It's disgustin. Darlin', we oughta' go out there
and protest! Don't you think so?"
She replied, "Yes, Daddy."

 

[melody]

There once was this guy named Stan
Who had some trouble being a man.
Wore a dress and high heels
Drove a Chevy with pink wheels...
And soon Stan became a tran.

There once was a man from Peru
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22.

There once was a man named Matt
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat.
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he gets
Is when he goes home to his cat.

There was a young girl named Jean
Who built a GREAT masturbation machine
Concave or convex
It would fit either sex
But the thing was a bastard to clean

An old maiden who barely did kissing,
Soon discovered what she had been missing.
When laid down on the sod,
She cried out, "Oh, Gaaawwwwwdddd!
All these years I just used it for pissing!"

There once was a nasty old whore
Who opened up a bakery store
You might not find it funny
But she saved lots of money
Because she had her own yeast
for the dough.

A Young Lady once begat
Triplets named Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
For there was no tit for Tat
A worried young man from Stamboul
Discovered red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic!
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
There once was a woman from Arden,
Who was seen sucking a man in her garden,
Her mother said, "Flo, where does it all go?"
She replied, "Gulp, beg your pardon!"
A soldier known only as Sarge,
Had sex with a hooker named Marge,
Though only a grunt,
He assaulted her cunt,
An gave her an honourable discharge!
A young bride was once heard to say,
"Oh, dear, I'm wearing away!"
"The inside of my thighs,"
"Look just like mince pies,"
"For my husband won't shave everyday!"
Undressing a maiden named Sue,
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true,"
"That a nipple a day,"
"Keeps the doctor away,"
"Think how healthy you must be with two!"

 

[melody]

A Dummies' Guide For Dummy’s

Don't throw a brick straight up.

Don't take long naps while driving.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.

Don't microwave yourself too often.

Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's
sufficiently hot.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually
raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside
of all fences at the zoo.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks" there is no need to
report it on your income tax return.

"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.

One + one = two. Try to remember that.

Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.

If you discover that February only has 28 days, don't report it to the
Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint.

For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.

April 1st is Your special high holy day.

-------

When It's Okay To Fart In Public:

~^~ In your boss' office as you are turning to leave. Tip- Make sure
it's a silent one.

~^~ In a bathroom.

~^~ In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things.

~^~ In an empty elevator before you get off.

~^~ Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become
unoccupied.

~^~ In someone else's unoccupied cubicle at work.

~^~ While parachuting.

~^~ While scuba diving.

~^~ In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested.

~^~ During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated.

~^~ In your car if you've been carjacked.

~^~ In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting
his/her turn.

~^~ In your car once you've been pulled over… the cop may let you go
quicker.

~^~ During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.

~^~ While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to
blame.

 

[melody]

10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.

6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless

]]]]]

A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.

The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "Come again?"

The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

 

[melody]

Sheep Are Better Than...

*You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.

*Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.

*Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a
social disease.

*Nuttin' beats mutton!

*Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to
go get a towel.

*Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your
weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they
have to be home early.

*Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.

*Sheep never ask about your former lovers, and
then get pissed off when you tell them.

*No matter how old or ugly you are, you can
always find a willing ewe.

*Sheep are never concerned about their reputation.

*Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you
couldn't get it up.

*Sheep won't ask if you're gay when you can't get
it up for the second time.

*Sheep never insist on eating out.

*You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a
picture of Brad Pitt.

*Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late.

*Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.

*Sheep don't get moody once a month.

*You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck
in your teeth.

*A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the
rest of her life after one roll in the hay.

*A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed.

*A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon.

*A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car.

*A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles
her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains.

*A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...
and pay.

*A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup.

*A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy.

*A sheep won't care if you keep your fish bait in the
refrigerator.

 

[melody]

A young guy goes into a bar and watches two attractive girls for a while before going up and offering to buy them a drink. One of them glances at him and says "Don’t bother - we’re lesbians".
He says "OK, I admit I don’t know much - what’s a lesbian?"
"I’ll keep it really simple", one says "
We’d rather eat pussy than suck cock"
"Barman" he shouts, "Drinks for us three lesbians".

77777

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year old said, "have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing," said the eighty-year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible.
"You think you've got problems," said the Ninety-year old. Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is that I don't wake up until 11:30.

77777

Q: What's the best way to give your dog a bone?
A: Tickle his balls!

77777

The husband wanted to have sex with his wife, but he hated the "chore" of
eating her out. He knew he had to if he was to get any nookie. He starts
to perform on her, and just as he darts his tongue inside her, she lets
out a big fart. He stops what he is doing, looks up at her and says,
"Ahhh, sweetheart, thanks for the breath of fresh air!"

77777

A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately.
When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."
The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".

77777

Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope.
The other is getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman.
Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time. What is that thought?

DONT LOOK DOWN!!!

 

[melody]

On Being A Woman/Man

It’s inevitable. Whenever the subject of males and females come up, I’m on or close to my period, and the man I'm talking to (because I have no girl friends) always says “I’m glad I’m a man.” No man, it seems want to even contemplate dealing with cramps and PMS. This makes me wonder… is it really better to be a man, or a woman? Keep in mind that these reasons are not all from my point of view. For instance, I really have no problem with a toilet seat being up or with men watching football.

Man
1. No period, no cramps, no PMS, no sore breasts, no crying for no reason because your hormones are out of control that day.
2. Orgasm every time. No waiting on your partner to find your clit.
3. Less hygiene routine. No make-up, no curlers, no shaving of the legs, no plucking eyebrows. No bra, no thongs, no bikini’s, no high heels. No corsets, no dresses, no stockings.
4. Less pressure from society on body shape. You don’t have to be 20 pounds underweight to look like people in magazines think you should.
5. Acting like a man. No holding burps or farts in. No going to the bathroom in herds. Can scratch one’s balls in public.
6. Testosterone. It’s an excuse for just about everything from leaving the toilet seat up to getting drunk with a bunch of friends. Downside to testosterone is that you want to beat everyone up all the time.
7. Porn. Porn is made for men. Porn exists because men are visual creatures.


Woman
1. No penis. No having a sensitive thing banging around between your legs. No getting kicked, pinned, etc… No system checks either. My clit will never check to see if it can erect in the middle of class for no reason.
2. Better looks. More curves, more pleasing shape. Less lumpy.
3. More sensitive. A woman’s nerves are closer to her skin, so she can feel more. Everywhere.
4. Pretty clothes. Male clothes are designed to wear. A woman’s clothing is designed to look good on her.
5. Less hair. No shaving of the face everyday, no icky armpit hair, no unibrow, no sideburns, no back hair, no ass hair.
6. No testosterone. I don’t want to kill everyone that makes me mad (nor do I get mad all the time). I don’t think that getting drunk and picking a fight is a good idea.
7. Breasts. Nipples are so sensitive. A woman’s nipples are sensitive to not only touch, but temperature and wetness also. I get more pleasure zones than a man does. Nyah Nyah.
8. Animals. I can have pet bunnies without anyone laughing at me. I can cry over baby birds and not have anyone look down on me for doing so.
9. Multiple orgasms. I get to come when I want to, and I don’t have to hold back or worry about being too fast. No thinking about baseball during sex to hold off a premature shoot-off.

 

[melody]

A Woman That Can Handle Him

This guy goes into a whore house and gives the lady at the front desk
$500 and tells her that he wants a woman that can handle him.

She replies, go down the hall and its the second door on the right.

He does and just as they get started she starts screaming from the pain.
He then marches back to the front desk and tell the woman that he said
he wanted a woman that could handle him.

She says, ok go down the hall and its the third door on the left.

He does and once again the woman starts screaming just as they get
started. Then he goes back to the front desk and she says I know I know
you want a women that can handle you.

She says, ok ok this time go all the way down the hall and down the
stairs, there won't be any lights so just feel around till you hit
something wet and stick it in.

He does this and just as they get started nothing happens there isn't
any screaming. Well he thinks, finally, this could work.

As he gets into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby".

She replies "MOOOOOO"!

]]]]]

There was A girl named Hortense
Her breasts were simply immense.
One day playing soccer
Out popped her left knocker
And she kicked it over the fence.


There was a young man named Mcbride
Who could fart whenever he tried.
In a contest he blew
Two thousand and two,
And then shit and was disqualified.

 

[melody]

Help A Guy Out

Jerry's at the urinal in an airport rest room when a guy with no
arms sidles up next to him and pleads,

"Hey buddy -- can you help me out here?"

Though he feels uneasy, he considers the guy's predicament and
decides to help.

He bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, reaches in and
pulls out the guy's penis.

Much to his horror, it is hideous!. It's moldy and bluish green,
covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful.

Imagining the kudos he'll get on Judgment Day for this selfless
good deed, Jerry holds the man's unit while he finishes
urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man's pants and
zips him up.

The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

"No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask - What the hell's
wrong with your johnson?"

The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says,

"I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't touching it."

&&&

This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied

 

[melody]

Careful With Your Wishes

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in
contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is
the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his
beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to
compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal!
But I have a question, "why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this
question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the
woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the
cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to
a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me.
Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three
wishes.'"

"Keep going!" the bartender urged.

"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the
frog a kiss.

POOF!!!! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous,
naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I
want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger. She nodded,
snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that
I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?'"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied,
"I want to make sensuous love with you here by this
stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me.
We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other,
sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered
into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish.
What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?'"

.....POOF!!!

*)*)*)*)*)

A guy came home from work, "Honey, where are you?"
"I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered.
"I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled.
"What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?"

 

[melody]

A Vasectomy

Phil wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy. Phil agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.

At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil's testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk and realized it was the right size and weight, so he placed it in Phil's scrotum and completed the operation.

A few months later, Phil returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going. Phil replied, "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee, my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection."

========

TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN

10. "Not-That-There's-Anything-Wrong-With-That Mountain"

9. "Wyatt Slurp"

8. "For A Few Dollars More We Can Make It A Threesome"

7. "Long Ranger"

6. "Go West Young Man..Now South...a Little More South..OH GOD YES
RIGHT THERE!"

5. "Bunanza"

4. "The Good, The Bad, and the Fabulous"

3. "Broke My Back Mounting Him"

2. "Fun With Dick In James"

1. "Oklahomo"

 

[melody]

A PERFECT DAY FOR A DAD

http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/5828/d0656825425.jpg

 

[melody]

Wedding Night

A fellow on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife. "My
God! I never realized you had such huge droopy breasts." The wife
has a major dummy spit and throws him out of the room. While he is
sitting in the hall another fellow comes out down the hall. "What
happened?" asks the first man.

"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and
all I said was "Hells bells! I didn't realize you had such a big
fat droopy arse..." Then she threw me out.

Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a
face like thunder. "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your
foot in it as well?"

"No" says the third fellow, "But, shit! I bloody well could have!"

========

There was a young lady named May,
Took a stroll in the park by the bay.
She met a young man,
Who screwed her and ran.
Now she goes to the park everyday.

========

A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.