JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10
miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge
only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side
lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to
the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we
all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?

A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then
four, then with my whole hand in.
work from side to side until I can get both hands
in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until
it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot
asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs. $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS

======

There was a young lady of Michigan,
Who said, "Damn it! I've got the itch again."
Said her mother, "That's strange,
I'm surprised it ain't mange,
If you've slept with that son-of-a-bitch again."

There was a young fool name of Raines,
To get laid, he'd go to great pains,
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.

---------- Post added at 01:51 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:50 PM ----------

Old Man's Viagra

An elderly couple were at home at the wife called out "So, when are
you going to the doctor"

"I told you, I'll go when I feel like going."

After 3 months of nagging, the old man finally walked into the
doctors office. "Doc," he said, "This is embarrassing, er, I'd like
to
get a prescription for Viagra."

"Not a problem," said the doctor, as he started

"You don't understand," said the old man. "I am almost 90 years old
and I haven't had sex in more than ten years. I only want it to
stick
out a little so when I pee, it doesn't get on my shoes."

&&&

Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front
room. "My God, Henry," she screams, "I know you've had other women,
but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I
think I'm stuck."


A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said, "Automotive,
aisle
15." The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle
28."

The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies?

The Greeter replied, "That's my job."

A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5."

The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine."

The Greeter said, "Darn, I missed it by an inch!"

 

[melody]

You Might Be A Caffeine Addict If...

Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.

You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.

You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.

You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.

Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.

You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.

You can't remember the last time you blinked.

The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.

Your dog's name is Folgers.

You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water)
to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.

You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food,
as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.

&&&

One day, Joe Dokes came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.


Q: What's the definition of "gross?'
A: When you ask your girlfriend for a hickey, and she's so old she
first has to fetch her teeth out of a glass.

Q: What's the definition of "grosser?'
A: When her teeth stick to your skin.



GROSS World Records!

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and
28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely
insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and
projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1 inch.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is
Khoona.
It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of
a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is
believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato
juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime.
It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail
umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump.'

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal
fluid.
He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4 in) and the
greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced
a staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially
measured
at 12 ft 2 in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially
recorded
time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

 

[melody]

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love
me Anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as
husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband P. S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when
you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind
was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to
say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment .
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years
ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job
and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were
gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
_____

Two blondes walk into a building......
you'd think one of them would have seen it.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't figure out how to fit the bottle in the typewriter.

What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?
"OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds.


Camilla had come to see Dr. Freud. When the shrink began using sexual
terms, she interrupted, "Wait, what is a phallic symbol?"

"A phallic symbol," explained Freud, "represents the phallus."

"What's a phallus?" asked Camilla.

"Well," said the analyst, "the best way to explain it is to show you."
He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his prick. "This is a
phallus."

"Oh," said Camilla. "It's just like a cock, only smaller."

======

When I was young I used to eat my boogers.
They were quite a treat!
I'd swallow the snot, and the ones that would clot
I'd save up to fill my mom’s pepper mill
And sprinkle on fish, or on a side dish,
But I’ never eat them with meat, oh no,
Don't ever eat them with meat.

You can eat them on rye, or baked in a pie
Or mix them with peas, or grate them with cheese.
They're easy to chew, but whatever you do,
Don't ever eat them with meat.

========

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a
marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to
begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in
common."

The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks cocks."

=======

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.

She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch
the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

Little Johnny thought for a second, raised his hand, then said, "I'd
probably puke my fucking guts out."

 

[melody]

Rupert and Quentin

Two queers, Rupert and Quentin, are behind some bushes,

When all of a sudden Rupert shouts out as he is having terrible pains in his stomach

Quentin asks him "What's the matter with you"

Rupert says "I think I'm having a baby"

Quentin says "Don't be stupid you can't have a baby - you're a man"

Rupert says "I can feel it moving around in my stomach"

All of a sudden Rupert has one almighty pain in his stomach so he pulls his trousers down and squats. There is a bloody mess everywhere as he pushes with all his might. When he is finally finished he looks down and shouts out at the top of his voice "I've had a baby. I can see its little arms and legs moving around"

Quentin comes over to take a look..

"You dirty bastard. You've just shit on a frog"

OPOPO

A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental
prostitute and asks? "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that
run sideways?"

"Why?" she asks, "Are you a harmonica player?"

OPOPO

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?

A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying...
A prick is the guy who owns it.

OPOPO

A guy went to his doctor and asked for a prescription for sex-lax.
"You mean 'Ex-lax,' don't you?" laughed the doctor.
"Hell no! I don't have trouble going, I have trouble coming!"

A Guy And A Midget

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by
a midget.
Although the little fellow is staring at him intently,
the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step
ladder
up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close
range.
Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever
seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move
away.
Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little
fellow,
but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he
obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says,
Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

777888

Q: You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A: Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything.

Q: How can you tell whether a woman isn't wearing any underwear?
A: Look for dandruff on her shoes.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you know if a woman is a true redneck?
A: If she can chew tobacco and suck a dick and still know which
one to spit and which one to swallow.

777888

There once was a man named Matt
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat.
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he gets
Is when he goes home to his cat

 

[melody]

"Daddy, How Was I Born?"

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway."

"Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a
date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked
into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then
your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had
use a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later, A blessed little pop-up appeared and said: "You have got a
Male."

!!!!!

Blonde Moments!

A blonde and her Husband are laying in bed watching TV, they are
watching an old western. The Husband says to the Blonde "I bet you
breakfast in bed, that the wagon hits a rock and the rider falls out
dead," " Your on." Says the blonde. They watch the western further
and sure enough the wagon comes across a rock in the path, and the
rider falls out of the wagon dead.
The blonde gets out of bed and returns with a tray full of food.
After eating the husband says "I have to admit that I saw this movie
before."
The Blonde smiles. " I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think the
blonde was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice."

!!!!!

Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.

!!!!!

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

"How am I doing?" He asks.

"Three knots," she replies.

"Three knots? What's that mean?"

"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money
back!"


She Needed A Guy

When I was 16 I found a boyfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a very passionate guy, but he was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all
the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a man
with some stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable guy but he was boring.
He was totally predictable and never got excited about
anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a
man with some excitement.

When I was 30 I found an exciting man, but I couldn't keep
up with him. He rushed from one party to another, never
settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and
flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as
often as happy. He was great fun initially and very
energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
man with ambition.

When I turned 35, I found a smart ambitious man with his
feet planted firmly on the ground so I moved in with him.
He was so ambitious that he dumped me and took everything
I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a guy with a very big dick.

ddd

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated
and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he
was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then,
while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started
talking to him.

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!

"Irving, do you remember that emerald necklace you
promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,
"Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes..."

 

[melody]

Playboy Specialty Issues That Never Made It

Girls With Gingivitis

The "Women" of The Crying Game

The Women of Home Depot

1960's Playmates Grown Old and Wrinkled

The Girls of Rehab

Constantly Angry Women

Girls You Wouldn't Date if You Were the Only Man Alive

The Women of Circus Sideshows

Drab, Unsexy Lingerie

Old Women in Parkas

Playmates Receiving Oscars(Special April Fool's Issue)

Invisible Women

Girls Who Fell and Can't Get Up

Women of Wal-Mart

Women Racked With Self Doubt, Feelings of Abandonment, PMS and Inner
Torment

Chain Smoking Ladies

Girls Gone Psycho

"Does This Look Infected?" feature issue

yyyyy

A woman is in her doctors office and suddenly shouts,

"Doctor, kiss me!"

The doctor looks at her and says,

"I'm sorry, but it would be against my code of ethics to kiss
you."

Twenty minutes later the woman shouts again,

"Doctor, please kiss me!"

Again he refuses, apologetically, and says,

"As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."

Finally after another fifteen minutes the woman pleads with the
doctor again,

"Please, please kiss me, just once!"

"Look," he says. "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you, in fact I
probably shouldn't even be fucking you."


Crude Q's And A's

Q. What do you find in a clean nose?
A. Fingerprints!

Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist?
A. He got the sack.

Q. Did you hear about the gay guy that's on the patch?
A. He's down to four butts a day.

Q. Did you hear about the kidnapping?
A. Yeah, he woke up!

Q. Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for "lesbian".
A. It has been changed to "vagitarian".

Q. What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A. Two gays with hemorrhoids.

Q. Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
A. They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

Q. What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
A. They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

Q. How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
A. They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.

Q. Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A. "Leave it, it's Beaver."

Q. Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A. He found a hare up his ass.

Q. How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
A. The hero always gets his man in the end.

Q. How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
A. All the good guys are hung.

Q. Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS?
A. They can't get the laboratory mice to arse fuck.

Q. Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
A. So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse.

Q. Did you hear about the two gay judges?
A. They tried each other.

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.

Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A. A fruit stand!

Q. What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A. Male fraud.

Q. What's the difference between a hamster and a cow?
A. Cows survive the branding.

Q. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A. A wet nose.

Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.

Q. What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
A. Bisexual.

Q. What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A. Gonorrhea.

Q. Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
A. It's for the Christmas period.

Q. How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin' off

Q. Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A. Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

Q. How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
A. 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

Q. What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he's getting ready to fuck has genital warts?
A. "Hang on, boy! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!"

 

[melody]

LADIES....PAY ATTENTION!!

Newly Discovered Benefits of Worshiping And Adoring Your Man's Penis

1) Every blow job you give adds one month to your life.
2) If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five
porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.
3) A hand job a day keeps arthritis away.
4) Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the
treadmill.
5) Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.
6) Intercourse prevents divorce.
7) Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of
brain cells.
8) Sex eliminates headaches.
9) Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, Thou shalt make thy man
hard, triples your chances of getting into heaven.
10) Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your
lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

&&&

The girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes,
it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and
all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B,
C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes,
it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered,all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good,"
said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."


~THE REAL MAN'S TEST~

This is a test DESIGNED BY REAL MEN, intended FOR REAL MEN ONLY.
Circle the best answer to each question below. Answers below

1. Impotence is
a. rude or disrespectful behavior
b. helpful when you need dinner reservations or theater tickets
c. when you care enough to give her a break from her sexual duties

2. A menstrual cycle has
a. three wheels
b. two wheels
c. no wheels...it just drags along

3. The G-spot is
a. a key on the piano
b. close to the F-spot
c. imaginary - dreamed up by feminists to persecute men

4. Masturbate refers to
a. the best fishing lure for big fish
b. everyone joining in the discussion
c. the rewards enjoyed by a man who does his best work alone

5. Premature ejaculation is
a. a man younger than 18 having sex
b. soiling your new PLAYBOY before you get to the centerfold
c. the ultimate testament to your woman's overpowering sex appeal

6. A Douche is
a. one rank above Earl
b. a playing card with the number "2"
c. French for "You're fresh out of luck tonight"

7 Lesbian refers to
a. someone from the Middle East
b. a French word for "the well"
c. a woman trying to do what a man does better

8. Vagina is
a. a heart disease
b. a state near Washington DC
c. like a Club Med - a retreat where kids aren't your responsibility

9. Pornography is
a. the business of making records
b. the science of loaning money against hocked valuables
c. better than foreplay - you're ready before she hits the sheets

10. KOTEX is
a. a radio station in Los Angeles
b. a synthetic fiber for outerwear
c. a chastity belt for women who don't need one

11. A wet dream is likely to occur
a. when your roof begins to leak at night
b. reading the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition
c. when a work accident has disabled both your hands

SCORING: The correct answer to all questions is (c).

If you got 11 CORRECT:
You are a real man. The only romantic challenge you face is finding
a woman worthy of your attentions.

If you got 6-9 CORRECT:
You are still a man...but you need to spend more time riding in
pickup trucks, talking to chicks on sex hotlines, visiting internet
pornography sites...

If you got 1-5 CORRECT:
Liberals, feminists, fairies and wimps are chipping away at your
manhood. Stay away from open, honest discussions of sexuality...
anyone's sexuality!

if you got NONE CORRECT:
It's time for sex change surgery, testosterone replacement therapy,
monastic life or marriage.

 

[melody]

Dr. Chang

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had
a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might
have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the
medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well
known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take
off all you crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of
room."

The woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said,
"Ok, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem
vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see,
dat why you not haf sex or dates"

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is
Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed
Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike
your ass."

*~»§«~*~» P «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» P «~*~»§«~*

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold,
blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are
freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat
will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied,
"Put it between my legs. It will warm up."

He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and
he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and
she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask ?"

The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw


17 Ways Women Fail In Bed

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick, don't grab it
like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a damn
cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment
to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder
and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly
at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face
should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick, don't just get on
the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward.
It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected,
kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced
to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort
of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can
blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh! If your creative man
gets carried away and says things like, "Ride my hard cock, you
filthy cock-sucking slut," or "I want to rinse your mouth with
my fresh, white hot love potion." Laughter at any aspect of
the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've
got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to
come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share
this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen
is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases -- but
this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all-important. Don't
wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present.
You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss
and cuddle. No matter what he says, he does not want to touch
you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you
are a one-night stand, you should leave the premises without
thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is
done. Just get the fuck out.

8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know
you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it, as you
can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use
them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you
have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of
saying, "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie,
you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If
you're giving a handjob, you should have gone to the gym to work
your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than ten
minutes, you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a
blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted
human beings.

11. FISHING F! OR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're
the best lover he has ever had. Most men have had so many
sexual partners that it is unlikely that *you* are. Please don't
ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something! Good
sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move
around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and
skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the
equipment and know-how to do it, but at least put some effort
into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative
lover who can satisfy two women at a time, don't sneer at or reject
his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make
up a threesome. If he's a real man, he's probably shagging her,
anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your
man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic
hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past
it's sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old.
If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner
favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather
be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble
to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to
spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture.
You should play with semen like a piece of Hubba Bubba,
blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line
like "I love it when you come in my mouth," makes for a happy
finale to fun and games.

16. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the
effort and energy he has expended on making love to you --
especially if: a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or
b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is
far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when
one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your
man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he
drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you
think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?"

 

[melody]

25 Things Women Want To Hear In 2005

1. Gee Sweetheart, let's skip dinner tonight.
The only thing I'm hungry for is you.

2. Wow, I just don't know what to do with
this money we won in the lottery, so why
don't you take it to the mall and see if you
can find something to buy with it.

3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to
spend the summer with us.

4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of
chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate
it's skinny women.

5. What luck, they had a special rental rate
at the video store on romance movies.

6. How about I give you a nice massage and
foot rub. I really don't like sex that much anyway.
(Huh?? - ^v^)

7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't
seem to have the brain power that I find so
attractive in a woman.

8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio
station.... tickets to either the super bowl or
the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first
choice so pack your bags for New York, we
get to go to the ballet!!!

9. Be careful Darling...don't let it go too far
down your throat.

10. Who wants to play golf when I can get
to see how good the lawn looks when it's
freshly mowed.

11. While your up Sweetheart, can you get
me a glass of water. I think I've had enough
beer.

12. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football
games. Let's go furniture shopping.

13. There ought to be a law against those
porno movies. Can you believe that there are
guys that would actually want their wives to
do those things
they show?

14. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than
getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.

15. I'm getting a little tired of steak on the
grill. How about a nice quiche?

16. You know, I think I'd really prefer the
four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.

17. Look at that... disgusting. Why would
she wear a short skirt like that with no panties?

18. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas
station to ask for directions.

19. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why
don't you use the money my parents gave us
to get something nice for the house.

20. If the guys call and want me to go to that
new strip club with them, tell them I'm busy. I
really want to get the living room painted tonight.

21. You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you
don't like doing all those dirty things they write
about in those stupid sex advice columns.

22. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys
for men who have never really grown up.

23. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over
there looking at the home decorating magazines.

24. You know, we really don't visit your relatives
enough.

25. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take
care of the cooking and housework.


M&Ms

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car
pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window. "I'll give
you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.

"I said no way," replied the boy.

"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.

"No, I'm not getting in the car," answered the boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver
offered.

"No!" replied the boy.

"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.

The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with
it!"
=======
John had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed,
he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really
passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, would you object to me
fucking your brains out?" "That is something I have never done
before," the date replied. "Never made love? You mean you are a
virgin?" John exclaimed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never
objected!"
====
A man asked his friend, "How's your wife doing?" The friend said,
"Not too well. She hasn't been feeling herself lately. But it was
a damned dirty habit anyway."

 

[melody]

A Waiter And A Blonde

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated
in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was
crying.

"What's wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.

Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My
boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't
it?"

The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to
stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished
her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best
cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and
brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He
said, "Make a wish and blow!"

She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the
waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his
cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing
this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his
balls. He knew that he should stop her-they didn't even know each
others names-but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your
cock, like you're really going to say, no don't suck it.

He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he
exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge,
hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like
it?"

He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great... but I'm just
wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock??"

She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."

Now he's confused. "What I told you to?"

Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already... You said,
'Make a wish and blow!'"

__________

In a second grade sex education class, Suzy asks "Teacher, can my
momma get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

Suzy says " Forty." T he teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get
pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

Suzy answers "Nineteen."

The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get
pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

Suzy says, "I'm seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."

Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had
nothing to worry about."


Blow Job Etiquette ( By a Woman )

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get' it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls- if your that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

 

[melody]

Pissed Off

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, I'm so pissed off !

Oh yeah? What happened? asked the bartender politely.

See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!

Gee, that's tough! commiserated the bartender.

Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated, the customer went on.

When her husband came into the room he said; Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.

And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?

Yeech! the bartender shook his head. No wonder you're in a lousy mood.

Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!

Damn, that really is a drag! says the bartender.

Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!

The bartender paled. That would sure mess up my day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!
______

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q. What should you do if you come across an elephant in the middle of a jungle?
A. Wipe it off & tell him you're sorry!

A Frog's Voice

THE OLD MAN WHO LOVES TO FISH WAS SITTING IN HIS BOAT ON A LAKE WHEN HE HEARD A VOICE SAY, "PICK ME UP."

HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULD NOT SEE ANY ONE. HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMING WHEN HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP."

HE LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON THE TOP WAS A FROG. THE OLD MAN SAID, "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"

THE FROG SAID, "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS ME AND I'LL TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE MOST WONDERFUL SEXUAL PLEASURES THAT YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF."

THE OLD MAN LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN REACHED OVER AND PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS FRONT BREAST POCKET.

THEN THE FROG SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? I SAID KISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU SEXUAL PLEASURES LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER HAD."

THE OLD MAN OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID, "AT MY AGE I'D RATHER HAVE A TALKING FROG".
========
There once was a man from Snowmass
Whose balls were made out of glass.
When they rubbed together
They played Stormy Weather
And lightning shot out of his ass!

There was a young gigolo named Bruno

Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.

While women are fine,

And sheep are divine,

Llama's are numero uno!"

777

There was a young lady from Brewster

Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,

But her panties were thin

And my finger slipped in

And it still just don't smell like it used ter.

 

[melody]

54 Reasons To Prefer Sheep

1.
Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
4. Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
5. Nuttin' beats mutton!
6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
7. Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.
8. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
9. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.
10. No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe.
11. Sheep are never concerned about their reputation.
12. Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up.
13. Sheep won't ask if you're gay, when you can't get it up for the second time.
14. Sheep never insist on eating out.
15. You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson.
16. Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late.
17. Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.
18. Sheep don't get moody once a month.
19. You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth.
20. A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay.
21. A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed.
22. A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon.
23. A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car.
24. A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains.
25. A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay
26. A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup.
27. A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy.
28. A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.
29. A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom.
30. A sheep will never sue you for palimony.
31. A sheep won't care if you screw her sister.
32. A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is.
33. A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing.
34. A sheep won't use your razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can.
35. Sheep never have a headache.
36. A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill.
37. A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom.
38. A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons.
39. Sheep grow their own fur coats.
40. A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football.
41. Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend.
42. A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning.
43. Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex.
44. A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up.
45. A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator.
46. A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style.
47. A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom.
48. Sheep are "ram tough".
49. A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, or open beer bottles with your teeth.
50. Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on.
51. Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning.
52. Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck.
53. A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake up the kids, you'll wake the neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it, or she's not drunk enough to enjoy it.
54. A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber.

 

[melody]

Overweight

A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a
dietitian.
She walked into his office and asked several questions about
dieting, exercise, and other things. Her final question to the
dietitian sparked interest in him. She asked, "How many calories
are in sperm?"

"Why?" he replied.

She explained some of the things she liked to do.

After thinking a minute he said, "I really have no clue, but if you
are consuming that much of it, then no guy is going to care if you
are a little chunky!"

_________

Ramona said, "My, but you look different today," to Marianne, a
coworker at the hospital. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have
this wide-eyed look. What did you use - special curlers and some
dramatic eye makeup?"

"No!" replied Marianne. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."

_________

There was a young man from Mauritius,
who said his last fuck was delicious,
but the next time I come,
It'll be up your bum,
'cause that scab on your cunt looks suspicious.
_________

Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says:
"My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."
The other replies, "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"
I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?

Stranded

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along
they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door.
This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies,
"I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed.
The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside.
The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes.
He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob.
He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.
The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed.

The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and
his friend some water.
The man calls his friend in and informs him that the
women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

YYYYY

Top 10 signs your mate is getting cyber sex
10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!
9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!
8) After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up!
7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"
6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!
5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!
4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!
3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!
2) The keyboard is moist!
1) She comes home with a rubber inflatable disk drive!

 

[melody]

100 BUCKS FOR SEX

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged
to someone else.

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,
"I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl
said, "NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her
boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200 then pick up the money very fast... he
won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal.

Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend
to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what
happened. She said, "The bastard used quarters.......!"

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it, and getting screwed.....

******

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact
the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm ****** Susan!"


THAT SUCKS

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at
her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us
for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon Lil' Johnny becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the
door to his parents bedroom is ajar. he peeks in for a few minutes,
trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into
the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," Lil' Johnny said, "keep in mind this is
the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."
________

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when
suddenly she had to fart. She promptly
reached into her bag and sprayed the air
with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a
gentleman got on the elevator.

He began to sniff...

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells
like someone shit in a pine tree."*
________

You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between
a heart attack and an orgasm.
________

Five Stages of Female Life

1. To Grow Up
2. To Fill Out
3. To Slim Down
4. To Hold It In
5. To Hell With It
________

Heaven is when you have barrels of beer and tons of girls.
Hell is when you find out that the barrels have holes and
the girls don't!
________

HOW CAN YOU TELL A REDNECK AT `SEAWORLD`?
HE`S THE ONE WITH THE FISHING POLE!

 

[melody]

Special Sandals

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this
small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican
accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some
special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at
sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being
the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make
you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man. "

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In
the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming; "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! YOU
GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

_________________________________

My missus, back when we were young,
Asked the doctor to fix her torn lung;
When asked how it ripped,
She replied as she stripped,
"Doc, that man I just married is hung!"
There once was a girl from Decatur
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew,
The result of that screw,
Because after he laid her, he ate her.

Fake Pussy

A guy visited his friend's house and saw a rubber object on the lounge, so he asked his mate what it was.
"It's an artificial pussy," his mate replied, "And it's the best fuck I have ever had!"
"Bullshit!" cackled the other guy, "A fake pussy your best screw? You gotta be joking!"
"Don't believe me? Why don't you take it home and give it a try then?" said his friend.
The guy took the fake pussy home, tried it out, and found out it was true. It was the best screw of his entire life.
Later that day, the guy's wife walked into the kitchen and saw the rubber object on the table.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It's an artificial pussy and it's the best fuck I have ever had in my life!" replied the husband
"If it's so good," asked the wife, "What is it doing in the kitchen?"
"Well," said the guy, "As soon as I teach it to cook I am going to get rid of you!"

NNNNN

A woman was drying herself off in the shower when she suddenly slipped over and landed spread-eagled on the bathroom floor. She tried to stand up again but then she realized that she had landed so hard that her pussy had stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she couldn't move.
She called out to her husband for help, and he rushed in and tried with all his strength to lift her up, but she just wouldn't budge.
So he went next door and got the neighbor. Both of them started pulling her arms with all their strength, but she just wouldn't budge, she was well and truly stuck fast!
Suddenly the neighbor said, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her pussy?"
"Great idea pal," said the husband, "but just let me rub her tits a little so that I can then push her over to the kitchen, the tiles are a lot cheaper in there!"

 

[melody]

CHAPPED LIPS

A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon, gets
off his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up
the tail and kisses it right on the rear. The bartender
inside the saloon notices this interaction, and thinks
it's a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to
the bar and orders a drink, the bartender asks, "I
noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind
it and kissed it on the ass. Can I ask why?" The cowboy
answers, "Chapped lips." "Wow!" says the bartender. "It
cures chapped lips?" "No," says the cowboy, "But it
sure as hell keeps you from licking them."

=======

Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than he gave horses?
So they wouldn't shit during the parade.

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

=======

A nun feels guilty and goes to confession. She tells
the priest that she has a terrible secret. She says,
"Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The
priest says, "That's not so serious, Sister. Just say
five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five
cartwheels."

You're So Poor...

If your father didn't cut holes in your pockets at Christmas, you wouldn't have anything to play with.
People from the church would run over animals in front of your house to help with food.
Beggars give you money.
You don't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of.
When you asked your mom what's for dinner she opened her legs and said spaghetti!
Someone saw you kicking a can down the street, and when asked what they were doing you said, "moving".

You have too jack off your dog too feed your cat

If they had 10 cent boat rides down the river, all you could do is run down the bank hollering "That's real cheap!"

You can't afford to pay attention
A guy walked into your house, stepped on a cigarette and your mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"

Your parents got married for the rice.

I saw your mom walking down the street with one shoe, I said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." she said, "No, I found one."
When you asked what was for dinner your mom put her foot on the table and said corn.

You live in a 2 story cracker jack box.

Someone rang your doorbell and you had to yell "Ding Dong!" out the window.

When someone asks where the bathroom is, your mom says "pick a corner... any corner."

You have to fart to get a scent (cent).

You're so poor your mother couldn't afford to have you...the lady next door had you.

You go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.
You buy an imitation of a fake Rolex.
Burglars bring things to you.


You're So Ugly

You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.
You're so ugly, every time your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've
just given head."
You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.
Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.
You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.
You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.

 

[melody]

A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

Oboe: An English tramp.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.

Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

----

Two very old men were kibitzing on a park bench when one asks, "So how's the wife?"
The other man replies, "Well, I thinks she's dead."
"What do you mean...you thinks she's dead?!"
"Well, the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up!"

Diet Rules

1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is cancelled out by the diet Coke.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, vodka...)

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.

6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Minties, Maltesers, Jaffas and frozen Cokes.

7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.

8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.

9. Foods that are the same color have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream, apples and red jelly snakes.

10. Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color.

11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.

12. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (Oh, how fat likes to cling!)

And remember: 'STRESSED' SPELT BACKWARDS IS 'DESSERTS'!

++++++++++

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says,
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings
in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second says,
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his
wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.

 

[melody]

Your Momma's Like...

Your momma's like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows, and lays in the closet.

Your momma's like a toilet, she's so full of shit.

Your momma's like a hardware store 5 cents a screw

Your momma's like a squirell, she can't keep nuts out of her mouth.

Your momma's like a buffet, $3.00 and it's all you can eat!

Your momma's like buckleys, she tastes bad but works

Your momma's like a doorknob everyone gets a turn.

Your momma's like a light switch even a 4 Year old can turn her on.

Your momma's like a refrigerator, every one sticks there meat in her

Your momma's like a nascar driver she burns fifty rubbers a day

Your momma's like a shotgun 2 cocks and shes ready to blow

Your momma's like a hockey puck everyone gets a whack!

Your momma's like a merry go round everyone gets a spin!

Your momma's like a bus everyone gets a ride!

Your momma's like a boomeramg she keeps coming back for more.

Your momma's pussy is so hairy, when your brother was born he died of rugburn

I asked your momma "what's for lunch" ...She opened up her legs and said tuna surprise

I asked your momma "what's for lunch" ...She opened up her legs and said crabs

Your momma's like a gun, two cocks and she's loaded!

Yo Mama's like a mosquito, you have to slap her to get her to stop sucking

Your momma's so smelly even sewer rats get out of her way.

Your momma's so smelly that the only dis I'm gonna give her is Disinfectent...

Your momma's so smelly even dogs dont smell her.

Your momma's so smelly she wiz playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.

Your momma's so smelly she made Right Guard go left.

Your momma's so Smelly her poops glad to escape.

Your momma's so dirty the flies on a dog shit passed out

Your momma's so greasy her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.

Your momma's so greasy she uses bacon as a band aid.

Your momma's so greasy her freckles slipped off.

Your momma's so greasy she sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam...and has a full time job at the 'Pancake Palace' wiping pancakes across her forhead.

Your Mamma is so ugly, she went to the bathroom and scared the sh!t out of the toilet.

Your Mamma is so ugly she shaves her pits with a lawn mower

&&&

Inventions By Blonde

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Mechanical Pencil sharpener
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheel chairs
Waterproof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alcohol

Reuseable ice cubes
See-through toilet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do-it-yourself road map
Turnip ice cream
Toe implants
An all white flag
Rolls Royce pickup truck

&&&

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

&&&

A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"

 

[melody]

Oral Sex - An Ode To Love

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag,
And what revenge, you're on the rag!

Eating out and chowing down,
but tonight I'm not out on the town.
Tonight I'm served a seafood dish,
well at the least it tastes like fish.

Time to overcome my fears,
as she drags me down there by my ears,
to feast upon her hairy pie,
where pubes and stubble jab my eye.

She lies back and moans and then softly sighs,
I cant help thinking about scampi & fries.
Don't lick too low, move up a bit,
got to be careful or I'm in the shit.

Nibble, lick, caress and stroke,
the things I do just for a poke.
Up, down and right a bit,
where the hell does she keep her clit?

I'll never find it here like this,
fanny design just takes the piss.
To find my way around her twat,
I'll need a torch and miners hat.

I think my tongue is failing me,
Christ I hope she doesn't pee.
I've been licking her minge for years.
I wish I could breathe through my ears.

God I hope that she comes quick,
since my neck's developing a crick.
I'm sweating like I've got a fever,
under the covers, eating split beaver,

I must have hit the right spot at last,
cos' her screams are gaining volume fast,
her thighs clamp tight around my head,
and her screams scare the neighbours out of their bed.

She's coming at last and making a racket,
her thighs crushing my head like a discarded fag packet.
I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care,
that my mouth is full of fish flavoured hair.

And that my face is smothered in thick fanny batter
and juices that taste like a seafood platter.
But she thinks it's funny, and starts taking the piss,
but she soon stops her laughing, when I move in for a kiss.


Sex - The Mob Way

Other than the rule about certain sexual acts being unmanly, the
#1 rule
about having sex is pretty simple: -- Your partner should be alive and, at
least 50% of the time, awake.

Do You Have What It Takes To Be A Mob Lover?

1. During sex you usually
a. Scream out your partners name
b. Plead the Fifth Amendment
c. Scream out your own name

2. Sex is best
a. With the lights on
b. With the lights off
c. With the dashboard lights on

3. If your partner pulls a Nelson Rockefeller and dies while in the
saddle, your immediate reaction is to
a. Scream and roll off
b. Call 911
c. Finish

4. Your lover suggests something innovative, like handcuffs.
Your reaction is to:
a. Try it, you might like it
b. Announce politely that handcuffs are not your thing
c. Wonder how you can use the TV remote during sex if you are
handcuffed

5. Your partners are usually
a. Blonde
b. Brunette
c. Inflatable

6. After sex you
a. Think about how long until you can make love again
b. Hang up on the phone sex operator
c. Thank the priest


A middle aged husband and wife were having
sex in the missionary position. Fifteen minutes went
by. Thirty. Forty-five.
Finally, the wife blurted out, "What's the matter,
honey, can't you fantasize about someone else, either?"

 

[melody]

Two Horses

There were these two horses standing at the bar. One said to the
other "how ya doin?"...other replied, "not so good...the other day I
was in a race and there were so many GREAT horses and jockeys I
figured 'screw it,' I ain't runnin' this race and all of a sudden
this big fucken tapeworm starts squirming up in my arsehole, so I
bolted off and I won by a head."

The other horse said, "no kiddin' yesterday I was in a race and the
same thing...I figured 'screw it,' I ain't runnin' and half way
around the track...WHOOSH! My hemorrhoid burst. Pus and shit
everywhere.......fuck it hurt....I ran like a bastard to try and
itch the fucker, and guess what? I won!"

This greyhound walks up to the two horses and says, "'scuse me but I
couldn't help but overhear you guys.
Just today I was in a race and there were so many great dogs I
figured 'screw it' I ain't runnin' in this race. All of a sudden
this little cunt of a wasp stung my balls. I yelped and jumped like
a motherfucker, and I won by a length!!

One horse looked at the other and said, "WELL FUCK ME, A TALKIN'
DOG!!!"

========

Q. Why don't Mr. and Mrs. Smokey Bear have any children?
A. Because every time she gets hot, he hits her over the head with a
shovel and throws dirt on her.

Q. Did you hear about the three gay men who attacked a woman?
A. Two held her down while the third did her hair.

Q. What's the difference between a tampon and a cowboy hat?
A. Cowboy hats are for assholes.

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year.

Q. Why are beer cans so easy to open?
A. Look who's drinking them.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to Heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

TOP 10 REASONS MEN DATE BIMBOS INSTEAD OF NICE GIRLS

10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.
9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.
8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera".
7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet-even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.
6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.
5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys'.
4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality - now shut up and finish putting on that French maid outfit.
3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.
2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe that it's eight inches.

and the Number One Reason Men Date Bimbos Instead Of Nice Girls
1. They will put up with you.

""""""
A man goes to his doctor and tells him that he is
having a hard time achieving an orgasm so the
doctor gives him VIAGRA. Then he gives him a
new drug that just came on the market, The patient
says isn't the VIAGRA enough? And the doctor says
The VIAGRA will give you an erection but the new drug
NIAGARA will make you come like a waterfall!!!!!