JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Publik Edukashun

These are actual test answers from various schools
in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

SOCIOLOGY
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well
endowed.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

BIOLOGY
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g.,
abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five
bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A : A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport


ENGLISH
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand
its meaning.
A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

TECHNOLOGY
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

RELIGION
Q: What is a Hindu?
A : It lay eggs.

 

[melody]

The 100 Rules Of Porn Movies
( PART 4 )

76. Never get married if you are not prepared to have your wife cheat on you with
another man, unless you yourself are willing to help her.

77. It is common practice for the groom's father and brothers to "break in" his
future wife, usually on the wedding day and almost always minutes or at
most hours before the ceremony.

78. When two couples swap partners for a
night, both wives prefer sex with the other woman's husband over their own.

79. A woman who has refused to swallow her husband's sperm for 15
years will suddenly find herself overcome with the desire to do it for
another man who she just met.

80. When a woman wants to have an affair,
she immediately becomes very undiscerning and never worries that the
person she finds in the bar and fucks minutes after meeting him might
have a sexually transmitted disease.

81. Only married women looking to
cheat on their husband go to bars.

82. Only horny young guys who are
looking for married women are there to pick them up.

83. If a guy is
lucky enough to peep at a woman through a small opening (keyhole, hole
in wall, gap between window shade and window sill), he will be treated to
a full-blown peep show as the woman strips and masturbates.

84. If the girl notices the man peeping at her, she will smile and continue her
strip-and-masturbation routine for him.

85. If the man and the woman are
in locations physically close to each other (adjoining rooms, for
instance), she will then burst into his room and force him to confess.

86. She will then fuck him.

87. If the wife walks in while the father is
fucking his 16-year-old daughter, she will not get mad.

88. Instead she'll drops all her clothes and participate.

89. When mum/sis/aunt
accidentally walks in on her masturbating 16-year-old
son/brother/nephew, she knows it's time to teach him about sex.

90. She then calls him into her room.

91. She then asks him questions about his
virginity.

92. She then fucks him.

93. It never crosses mum's mind that
screwing her son is going to cause him problems in the future.

94. It's always her way of "looking out for him" or "getting him ready."

95. When a woman first tastes cum, she immediately loves the taste.

96. Pizza delivery boys are the fourth luckiest people on the face of the earth.

97. Hospital patients are the fifth luckiest people on the face of the
earth.

98. If a big dog is mentioned in a story (even one that isn't
specifically "beastiality"), that dog will end up having sex with a
human female.

99. Horses are incredibly aroused by naked human females.

100. So are dogs.

 

[melody]

BOOBS

(o)(o) ..................Perfect Boobs
( + )( + ) ..............Fake, Silicone Boobs
(*)(*) ..................High Nipple Boobs
(@)(@) ................Big Nipple Boobs
oo ......................A Cups
{ O }{ O } .............D Cups
(oYo) ...................Wonder bra Boobs
( ^)( ^) ................Cold Boobs
(o)(O) ..................Lop-Sided Boobs
(Q)(O)..................Pierced Boobs
(p)(p) ..................Hanging tassels Boobs
(:o)(o) .................Bitten-by-a-Vampire Boobs
\o/\o/ .................Grandma's Boobs
( - )( - ) ..............Flat-Against-the-Shower-Door Boobs
|o||o| ..................Android Boobs
(/)(o) ..................Scratched Boobs
(%)(o) ................. Extra Nipple Boobs
($)($) ..................Jenny McCarthy's Boobs
(^o)(o) ..................Zit on Your Boob
( o Y o ) .............. Poses-for-Magazines Boobs
_______________

A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that
tired, so he stays awake and reads while she sleeps. He's reading
his book, and every once in a while he reaches over and rubs his
wife's cunt flaps..."
She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and
teasing me like that?"
He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn
the page."

 

[melody]

The Talent Agent

A young apprentice talent agent went out to dinner and a few drinks one night. After a few drinks he met a woman and they had a few drinks together then ended up at his place.

Things start to get pretty hot and he goes down on her. When he gets close to it he hears something, so he puts his ear closer and hears singing. It's a high pitched sweet voice singing an old song.

The man is so excited he forgets all about sex, he gets on the phone and calls his boss.

"Hello Joe you gotta hear this," and he puts the phone down by her pussy where the singing is still going on. "Did you hear that Joe, Did you hear it?"

Joe says, "What the hell's wrong with you? Did you wake me up at three o'clock in the morning just to hear some cunt sing!
-------------
Q: What does a Jewish woman say just before she has an orgasm?
A: "Sorry Mom, but I have to hang up now!"
-------------
Q: Why are blondes like Corn Flakes?
A: Because they're simple, they're easy, and they taste good!
-------------
Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss among men?
A: His wife saying she wants to talk to him.
-------------
Q: How long did it take to fill the red sea?
A: A very long period.
-------------
Q: There are two fleas on a pussy. One is smoking dope...
what's the other one doing?
A: Sniffing crack.
-------------
Roses are red, violets are blue...
I'm in love but not with you...
When we broke up you thought I cried
But all it was...
Was another guy,
You told your friends that I was a trick,
I told mine that you had a weak dick...
I said I loved you
And you thought it was true,
But guess what baby?!
You got played too!!

 

[melody]

Magical Birthday Puzzle

I am going to "magically"
tell you your birthday.


Ready?


You may want to
get a calculator.


Go ahead..


I will wait..


OK. Here we go.


Take the number of month
your were born & multiply
that number by 4.


Next, add 13.


Next, multiply by 25.


Now, subtract 200.


Then, add the number of the DAY you were born.


Next, multiply by 2..


Then, subtract 40.


OK, now multiply by 50.


Almost done, now..


Add the last two digits
of the year you were
born....


Last step..


Subtract 10,500.


What do you have?


YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!


Send this on to your
friends and family
so they can perform
this "magic" trick too.

 

[melody]

Garden Of Eden

In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!

 

[melody]

Women's Rules

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. When rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing
the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any time.

9. The male must never change his mind without written consent
from the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female
wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know
whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void.

14. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm
to the male.


Last Words

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headst

 

[melody]

Mommy, Mommy..
Nasty Tasteless

Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with uncle Bob!
Shut up son and close the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy!, why am I running around in circles?
Shut up son for I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Mommy, Mommy!, what happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up son and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy, Mommy!, the kids at school call me a werewolf!
Shut up son and go brush your face.

Mommy, Mommy!, how far is America?
Shut up son and keep rowing.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like shark fishing!
Shut up son and stop squirming.

Mommy, Mommy! I can't breathe!
Good son, it's working.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up son and get the marshmallows!

Mommy, Mommy!, Daddy's going out!
Shut up son and pour some more petrol on him.

Mommy, Mommy!, I'm not hungry anymore!
Shut up son and finish your paint chips.

Mommy, Mommy! Why does Daddy's cock taste so bad?
Shut up son and give your sister another tampon.

Mommy, Mommy! Why does Daddy have his cock in the biscuit jar?
Ignore him son, he's fucking crackers.

Mommy, Mommy!, why do other kids tell me I have a big head?
Don't worry about them son. Now take your cap and go get me 50 lbs.
of potatoes at the corner store.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up son and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy!, do we have to have hamburger?
Shut up son and keep your hand in the meat grinder.

Mommy, Mommy! What's oral sex?
mmmrmmph mmhhh mmrph mmrph mmhhh.

Mommy, Mommy!, I don't want to go to England!
Shut up son and keep swimming.

Mommy, Mommy!, I don't want to be a Daddy!
Shut up son and get into bed.

 

[melody]

Thoughts On Aging

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

--------

Imaginary new condom brands:

Nike condoms - Just do it.
Toyota condoms - Oh what a feeling.
Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.
KFC condoms - Finger-lickin' good.
J Ford condoms - The best never rest.
Bounty condoms - The quicker picker-upper.
Energizer condoms -It keeps going and going and going.
M & Ms condoms -It melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
Star Trek condoms - To boldly go where no man has gone before.
Why are condoms like cameras? - they both capture the moment.

 

[melody]

TEASER / PLEASER

You KNEW what you were doing
When you walked into the place
I saw every man turn his head
Each had a smile on his face

You HAD to wear that red skirt
That clung tightly to your ass
Those black boots with the heels
That made that one guy drop his glass

Your blouse choice was open strategically
Open JUST enough to see
Your 38 specials bouncing
As they headed over to me

I'm sure you shook your blonde hair out
Before you sauntered in
To make you look the wild child
And match the mood you were in

I laughed and lit a cigarette
And relaxed, because I knew
That no matter who was thinking what
I was heading home with you

You KNEW I'd give you what you need
When we got back to our place
We wouldn't bet much past the door
Before I'd make my case

You had your legs spread for me
An invitation for my tongue
To bring you to the edge and back
Before I'd let you cum

"Please Baby...get me off..."
You writhed and shimmied and shivered
Then I ravaged you like a starving man
Until I finally delivered

The pleasure rolled over your body
You arched your back and screamed
I worked on JUST the right spot
So my mouth could catch your stream

I let you taste how good you are
As our tongues intertwined
I turned you on your belly
And positioned myself behind

I did you doggy style
Holding your ass tightly
Ramming hard when I pulled you back
So it would bounce off of me

You hold on to the headboard
As it rattled off the wall
I'd loved the sound of the thumping
While I gave you it all

"Babe, I want it in my mouth"
You managed to let me know
I pulled my thick hard cock from you
And let you have a go

I tried to tease you with it
But you grabbed it and go down
I tangled your hair in my fingers
As you sucked and licked 'round and 'round

You pulled your tits up to it
And massaged my throbbing cock
Then you climbed up on it
And begin to bounce and rock

You held your tits tight in your hands
As I had hold of your ass
You teased me, sliding nice and slow
Then began to bounce on me fast

And when my cock exploded inside
Even then you wouldn't stop
You grinded down and pushed back and forth
Squeezing out every last drop

We shared a cigarette and shower
And you slipped on another tight dress
We headed down to the bar for drinks
And then...well you can guess the rest

 

[melody]

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

o0o0o0

A little girl is sitting in a barbershop, eating a
Twinkie, while the barber cuts her hair.

The barber looks down and says,
"Sweetheart, you're getting hair on your Twinkie."

The little girl looks up with a big smile and says, "I
know, and I'm getting titties too!!!!"

o0o0o0

"Mommy, what's a lesbian?"
"Go ask Daddy she'll know."

o0o0o0

"Well," replies Fred, "truth be known, I'm just bored with fuckin' the
same hole night after night after night.
I guess I'm hankering' for a bit of variety."

Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know,
turn her over every now and again?"

Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"

o0o0o0

The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge
bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she
suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he
willingly agreed.

The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker,
entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your
mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?"

"Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your
ass so I can feel it?"

 

[melody]

YOU MIGHT BE IN A "REDNECK" VOLUNTEER FIRE DEPARTMENT IF....

Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing ... on the way to a fire.

Your firehouse has wheels.

Fire training consists of everyone standing around a bonfire, swapping fish stories and drinking.

You've ever let someone's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their property.

You don't own a Dalmatian, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.

You've walked through a Christmas display and came up with at least three new ideas for the lighting scheme on your fire truck.

Your engine had to be towed in the last parade through town.

Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.

Your defibrillator is a pair of jumper cables and a marine battery.

Your pumper truck has been *on* fire more times than it's been *to* a fire.
bar

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."

 

[melody]

Little Johnny IN The Country

Little Johnny is visiting his cousin in the country and they decide to
go for a walk down the back roads. After about three miles they find a
used rubber lying by the road.

"Hey," Little Johnny, the dumbass city boys says, "look, some cow lost
one of its titties!"

"Let's go give it to the farmer!" says his cousin.

So, they work they way up to the farmhouse. They knock on the door and
out comes the farmer.

"Hey, Mister, we found a cow titty. Ya want it back?" says Little
Johnny.

The farmer didn't feel like conducting a mini sex ed seminar, said,
"Sure, uhhh, here's a dollar for your trouble."

Little Johnny hands over the rubber and head on back down the road.

After a little while Little Johnny says "You know, I bet we could have
got more than a buck if I hadn't drank the milk out of it!"
__________

This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.

During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever
happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial, the wife
replied, "You know, I don't know.
I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
__________

Q. Why shouldn't you suck a twelve inch dick?
A. You could get foot in mouth disease.
~~~
If you have sex with your own clone, are you gay ...
or are you masturbating?
__________

THERE are three stages on sex in every relationship, and here they are":
Anywhere sex - when you first meet you do it anywhere.
Bedroom sex - After the kids are asleep you have it in the bedroom.
Hallway sex - You pass each other in the hall and say, "Fuck you!"

 

[melody]

10 Words That Don't Exist But Should ......

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.


Handy Hints

*A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from going back to sleep.

*Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
*An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

*Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

 

[melody]

Dictionary Of New Slang.

*AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

*AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

*BADLY PACKED KEBAB: A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.

*BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

*BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

*BEER SCOOTER: The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e." I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".

*BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch

*BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

*BRITNEY SPEARS: Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"

*BRUCE LEE: Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

*BUDGIE'S TONGUE: The female erection.

*DOUBLE-BASS: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. (The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.)

*ETCH-A-SKETCH: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

*GOING FOR A MCSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

*GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

*HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT: A vigorous masturbation session.

*JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

*MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f-all in there worth seeing.

*MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa! Aa!Aa!".

*MUMBLER: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. I. e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

*MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

*MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
*NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

*PEARL HARBOUR: Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)
*PICASSO ARSE: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

*SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

*SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die

*SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive woman.

*TART FUEL: Bottled Alco pops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

*TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bullocks

*TITANIC: A lady who goes down first time out.

*TODGER DODGER: A lesbian.

*UP ON BLOCKS: Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage.
e. g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

*WANK SEANCE: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

 

[melody]

Comments Made In The Year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long
before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a
pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to
mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday
cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the
garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible
to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair
as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems
every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a
man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows
they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for
$75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married
women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone
to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to
be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole
lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes
half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It
costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too
rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

 

[melody]

Dear Mum And Dad

A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed.
With the worst premonition he read it with trembling hands.

Dear Mum and Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice, especially with all his piercing, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle.


But it is not only that, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods.

He wants to have many more children with me and that is one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it. Don't worry about money, Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement.

Apparently I can earn $50 a scene and I get a $50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra $100 if they use a horse. Don't worry Mum,
now I'm 17 years old I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter, Aimee

P.S. Dad, it's not true; I'm at a neighbors house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than denting the car.


Sorry about your BMW.

 

[melody]

Let Me Tell You A Secret, Girls...

Sometimes I think about girls and then I realize how dumb
they truly are. Sure, they claim to be just as smart as men, but
they're really not. If it were up to me, I would make a law that
says a law can simply be a statement, and then I would make a law
that says women are dumb.

Women, no matter how much they claim that they do, don't
understand men. So I'm going to tell them a not-so-secret secret.

Everything men do, boils down to wanting to fuck more girls.

That's right, ladies. Every decision I make and every action I take is
carefully designed to maximize the probability of me fucking more girls.
All I do everyday is sit around and think of ways I can get more sex.
Places I'd fuck, girls I'd fuck, girls I've fucked, sweaty men I'd like to ...
see at a football game with a girl before I fuck her, ... it's sickening!
For example, here is what I do on a daily basis, and why:

Why do I go to the gym?
So I can get buffer so more girls will want to fuck me.

Why do I have a job?
So I have money to buy girls drinks so they get drunk and
they will want to fuck me.

Why do I care what clothes I wear?
Because for some reason girls seem to care, so the better
clothes I wear, the better impression I make on girls and
the more they will want to fuck me.

Why do I bathe?
Because girls care about stupid things like cleanliness, so if my
body is clean, the more they will want to press their naked bodies
against my naked body and the more they will want to fuck me.

Why do I ask girls how they're doing?
So they think I care about them and the more they will want to fuck me.

Why do I fuck girls?
So I can get better at fucking girls so more girls will want to fuck me.

It's not just limited to my daily activities, either. Every one of my
life goals revolves around wanting to fuck more girls, too!

Why do I want to win the Nobel Prize?
So I can fuck more hot librarians.

Why do I want to form my own awesome band?
So I can fuck hot groupie whores.

Why do I want to become an astronaut?
So I can take girls into space and fuck girls in a
kickass low-gravity environment.

Why do I want to become a rich, powerful CEO?
So I can fuck hot gold-diggers.

Why do I want to get married?
So when I'm super old and no girls want to fuck me, I still
have a girl to fuck.

Why do I want to end world hunger?
Because it'd be great to have some hot Somalian bitches
grow old enough to fuck before they die so I can fuck them.

Why do I want to make my kickass website even more kickass?
Because girls love guys with kickass websites and more girls will
want to fuck me.

See? It's completely ridiculous! Men are reading this and thinking
"this is so true." Women know it's true, but act shocked and disgusted,
anyway because if they acted any other way, men would call them a
stupid slut. Ha ha!

That double-standard makes me laugh a hearty laugh.

In case a woman was reading this and didn't understand this column
because she's a woman and is too stupid, here's a complete and
comprehensive summary of everything I've written thus far:

MEN .... WANT .... PUSSY!

 

[melody]

Comments Made In The Year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long
before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a
pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to
mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday
cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the
garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible
to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair
as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems
every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a
man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows
they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for
$75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married
women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone
to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to
be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole
lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes
half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It
costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too
rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

 

[melody]

Green Shit

A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Give me a shot of that green shit you have
over there."

The bartender said, "I don't know about that, sir, it's pretty strong."

The man replied, "Good, give me two shots. I just found out my older son's gay."

The bartender understood and gave the man two shots of the green shit.

The next night the same man walked into the bar and said, "Give me four shots of that green shit
from last night."

The bartender said, "Are you sure about that?"

The man said, "Yes, I just found out that my younger son is gay."

The bartender understood and gave him four shots of the green shit.

Then the next night the man went back to the bar and said, "Give me eight shots of that green shit."

The bartender said, "I don't think I can do that."

The man said, "Please, I had a horrible day."

The bartender said, "Doesn't anyone in your family eat pussy?"

The man said, "Yeah, my wife."
______________

There was a young man from Calcutta,
Who peeped through a hole in a shutter,
But all he could see,
Was his wife's bare knee,
And the arse of the man who was up her.

I once met a girl called Miss Bish
Who had habits like tropical fish
She would fasten her lips
Close to ones hips
And swallow ones cum in small sips

There once was a clergyman's daughter,
Who detested the pony he bought her,
Till she found that his dong,
was as hard and as long,
As the prayers her father had tought her

She married a fellow named Tony,
Who soon caught her f***ing the pony,
He cried, "What's 'e got,
My dear, that I've not?!"
She sighed, "Just a yard long bologna."