Bad Day
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided
to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in
order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of
a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at
noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates
of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me
how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor
apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked.
She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him.
My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out
onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging
off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well,
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until
he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed
in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't
die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back
inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to
throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of
was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto
the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25
stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was
so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment.
Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said,
"Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your
day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going
to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor
apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot
of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my
stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to
catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.
But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of
his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at
the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move,
and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his
REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls
the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes
his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks
to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom
of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The
angel says, "Please tell me how you died."
The third man says,"OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding
inside a refrigerator...."
&&&
Foul Language
TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language
DATE: February 28, 2000
It has been brought to management's attention that individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during
the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due
to complaints received from employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able
to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided
so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending
our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources
