JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Beer ~vs~ Pussy

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football
game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are
normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you
are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you
back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

 

[melody]

Rules For Cheating On Your Spouse

Here are a list of rules that may be very helpful to
determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other:

1. Oral Sex does not count. That much has been established.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day,
it doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex,
it doesn't count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, it doesn't count.

5. Sex with a friend doesn't count; it's just another thing for you share
together! (Now you have something to tell women when they say they
just want to be friends!)

6. If the act was so lame you leave thinking, "Did I
really need a shower for that?" doesn't count.

7. An old flame, doesn't count. This is just called final closure.

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count. This is mercy sex.

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same.
Nope doesn't count, since masturbation isn't sex. That too
has been established.

10. Cyber-sex? NO WAY! This is glorified masturbation.

11. Two heterosexual women intimate fun, but not sex,
doesn't count.

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating.

13. An act to make a married person feel good about
themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their
significant other on a first-name basis.

14. A sexual act committed while you were intoxicated,
doesn't count.

15. An act committed with a family member of your
significant other doesn't count. This should just be
referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet."

16. Acts committed in a public place doesn't count.
(Why should it? It was public, right?).

17. Phone sex doesn't count. Refer back to "glorified
masturbation."

18. Sex in car, doesn't count. Way too cramped to
really enjoy it. However, if vehicle is in motion and
has a console or stick shift, this counts, because it
is way too kinky and erotic NOT TO count. Well, unless
the act was totally oral. If so, refer back to rule #1.

19. An act in which the female did not achieve total
satisfaction doesn't count.

20. An act in which no kissing takes place doesn't count,
because it isn't considered intimate.

21. An act in which "you do all the work" doesn't count.
That's work!

22. An act committed with your next door neighbor doesn't
count. This should be referred to as "being neighborly."

23. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are
angry with your significant other doesn't count. Well,
you were angry, and everyone knows no one is responsible
for their own feelings. See rule #14.

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't
count. This should be considered "getting acquainted."

26. An act with a US President, doesn't count, unless the
Senate votes to impeach.

27. An act with your boss, doesn't count. This is just
considered career enhancement and/or additional employee
benefits.

WARNING: Any sex that results in pregnancy, or a social
disease DOES count, since such things provide constant reminders.

 

[melody]

Shit Happens

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 pounds.

Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

 

[melody]

TEN WAYS TO TREAT A PENIS

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw Piece of meat and you're a starving pit bull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2.) When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and Your 100 Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the cure.

5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger Than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"

And never never say "Is it in?"

 

[melody]

Dear Bruce....

Extracts from the problem page of the famous Australian men's
magazine "Cobbler's", starring the legendary "Uncle Bruce,"... the
" agony aunt with Balls"

Q. Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet.
I am beginning to wonder if they really are lucky as they have been
there for two months.
A. Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they are
sober anyway.
Guess that means you've been pissed for two months which makes you
one lucky b@st@rd! Just on a medical note rubbers are good when you
do an Abo (Aborigines) as they are smelly b@st@rds, Oh and Roos (Kangaroo) too, helps avoid
bush rash.

Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old
girlfriend's vibrator on her.
A. No worries. I've seen this before. Women need reassuring.
Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it since you last used
it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.

Q. Dear Bruce I gave my sister one up the shitter and now she wants
me to do her mate.
A. Eh mate you're from Melbourne right? No worries mate, as long
as her mate is a Sheila it's ok.

Q. Dear Bruce, After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the
showers.
Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls.
A. Nah mate you're queer. Only queers play hockey.

Q .Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we
have sex.
A. Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her ?

Q. Dear Bruce , I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather
trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't
know who to turn to.
A. Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical: You're
queer, no one likes you , get a gun, blow your brains out.

Q. Dear Bruce my girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay.
A. Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognize the
word Foreplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf..
Jeez guy, men don't play golf with women but it's ok for her
practice putting with your dick.

Q. Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose.
What do I do ?
A. Deny ,deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever ,ever, ever ,ever
admit to going with a kiwi.

Q. Bruce the boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo
sex.
What is it ?
A. There are two types. The first one when you wake up next to a
f*cking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape rather than
wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap, and the other one is
when you drink too much and your old boy it Dingo in and dingo hard.

 

[melody]

Bleeding

Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because
her first period had started and she had no idea what it was.
The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested
Sheryl talk to her mom.
She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.
"Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny.
"I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied.
"Give me a look," said little Johnny.
She lifted her skirt and showed him.
"Fuc*in' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding some
bastard's cut off your cock!"

=======

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other.

"So, what's going on here?" the cop asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

=======

Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

=======

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.".

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
straight down the fairway.

The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
time take the club out of your mouth."

 

[melody]

A Car Accident

Three men had a car accident and they all lost their dicks. The first man goes to the doctor and he gives him a wood dick. The second man came in and the doctor gave him a steel dick, and the third man came in and the doctor gave him an electric dick.

The next day the first man came back saying, "I hate you doc, every time I fuck my girlfriend she gets splinters."

The second man came in saying, "I hate you doc, every time I fuck my girlfriend she gets chills."

The third man came in and said, "I love you doc, every time I fuck my girlfriend her tits light up!"

&&&

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"
She having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, . . .
"Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too!
What firm are you with?

&&&

Did you hear about the boy who was born without eyelids?

The poor child had surgery and they used the foreskin from his penis to make eyelids for him. Amazing isn't it. He is doing really well, only they say he is a little cockeyed.

 

[melody]

John receives a phone call.
Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says,This is Susan.We met at a party about 3
months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan:Yes,it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On
the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good
sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

hhhhh

There was an old maid from Luck,
Who took it into her head to fuck.
She was about to resign
'Till she hung out a sign:
"Come in, I've decided to suck."

Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.

Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.

Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.

Q. Who was the first soft-drink maker?
A. Adam. He made Eve's cherry pop.

hhhhh

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe
problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many
questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her
problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's
face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry"

"Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this
further, how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at me."

 

[melody]

Premature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see
his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling
himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter
pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,...
naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her.
Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an
enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new
starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He
said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife
crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out
of the closet with his hands in the air!"

&&&

Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q. How do you keep a hard-on?
A. Don't fuck with it.

&&&

A father was discussing the "birds and the bees" with his son. He asked his son if he had any questions.
"Dad, what do a woman's private parts look like?"
The father thought for a moment and said: "son, before sex it looks like the softest petal on the most beautiful pink rose."
"What about after sex?"
The father thought a little longer: "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?"

 

[melody]

Proctologist's Exam

A gay man went into the proctologist's office for his first
internal exam.

The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room
and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When
the gay man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed
there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the gay man said "Look Doc,
I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the
K-Y Jelly is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can
you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over
to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit,
I said A BUTT LIGHT!"
______________
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
___________
Did you hear about the new paint on the market?
It's called Blonde. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy!
___________
What is the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A Rooster says "cock-a-doodle-do," and a blonde says "any cock'll-do!"
___________
A young blonde woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. What size would you like?"
The blonde responds, "Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now."

 

[melody]

A Gay Guy Named Butch

A gay guy named Butch has an obsession with hairy chests.
One day as he's walking down the beach, he notices this huge
man with the hairiest chest he had ever seen.

Gathering all the courage he has, he approaches the hairy man
and asks what his secret to getting a hairy chest is. The huge
man replies, "Well, every night after I take a shower, I rub
KY jelly all over my chest."

Elated with this newfound knowledge, Butch runs home to his
lover Gary. "Honey, honey! I have found the secret to getting
a hairy chest! All I have to do is rub KY all over my chest
after I take my daily shower!"

"You dip shit," Gary replies, "if that were true, you would
have a pony tail hanging out of your ass!"

}}}}}

Q: What do you call a gay with diarrhea?
A: A juicy fruit!

Q: What is the worst thing about eating vegetables
A: Putting them back in the wheelchair when you are done

Q: what is the best thing about fucking a 90 year old
woman
A: she doesnt swell she doesnt tell and she is as
greatfull as hell

Q: How do you know when your staying in an Alabama hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in
my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."

 

[melody]

Bad Weather

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my
long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. There was snow mixed with the
rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would
be bad throughout the day. I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed there I cuddled up to my wife's
back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible,
but I made it."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that weather.."

-----

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

-----

A certain husband was in big trouble when he forgot his
10th wedding anniversary. His wife told him, "Tomorrow
there better be something in the driveway for me that
goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat."

The next morning, the wife found a small package in the
driveway. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

 

[melody]

A Horny Old Geezer

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.

Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District.

A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.

The next morning the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs.

So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before.

He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

zzzzz

You know how your Mommy used to kiss you good night?
Think about it . . . she might have just finished giving Daddy a blow job . . .

Yo' mama's so fat that after I fucked her I rolled over twice and I was still on the bitch.
Boy says to his father: "Dad, can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?"
"I don't know. Are you any good?"

zzzzz

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning
.Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

 

[melody]

Little Johnny says to his mother, "Mom, is the lady next door
bionic?"
"Of course not, why do you ask Little Johnny?" said his mother. "
Oh, it's just that I heard Dad telling Uncle Bob that he had screwed
her eyes out!"

KKKKK

What do you call two women in a freezer?
Cold cunts.

What did Wendy say when she stuck her hand down Ronald McDonald's pants?
"Where's the beef?"

What do you call a faggot in the navy?
A Rear Admiral.

Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers?
Because men have two heads and women have four lips.

When is the only time you should fake an orgasm?
When you have a Rotweiller rooting your leg.

What's the difference between a lollipop and a penis?
If you lick a lollipop, it becomes smaller... but if you lick a penis it becomes bigger!

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Proctologist: "Do you know I just pulled a dozen roses out of your rectum?"
Gay patient: "Is that so? What's the card say?"

What's blue and comes in Brownies?
Cub Scouts.

Where do women pilots sit?
In the cuntpit.

KKKKK

The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of
exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think
you're going?"

"Nowhere, Sweetie," he says. "Please turn over."

 

[melody]

Bubba

A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down
and hires a neighborhood kid named Bubba to do the job for him.
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba
comes in after having mowed the lawn and proceeds to pee in the
toilet.
Curiosity got the better of the husband and he just had to look.
Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how
did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."
Bubba laughed and said,
"It's simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the
bedpost three times."
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and
could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed
that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three
times.
He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his
wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said,
"Is that you, Bubba?"


A priest was out walking his parish when he noticed a small boy sitting on the stoop, crushing a flow of ants with his foot. As he ground the ants into the pavement, he kept yelling, "These goddam ants! These goddam ants!"
The priest went over to him and chided, "Little boy, God never put anything on Earth without a purpose."
"Sure He did," said the boy.
"And what would those be, my son?"
"Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these goddam ants!"


Q: What's the main difference between mayonnaise and semen?
A: Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles per hour.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A: The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

 

[melody]

Why Vibrators Are Better Than Men......


*It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
*Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate.
*A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
*They don't get tired after the first time.
*You never have to lie to a vibrator by saying it was good or ...
that you had an orgasm.
*Vibrators never go limp and rubbery,you simply replace
the batteries when it tires.
*Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
*You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!
*Vibrators don't hog the remote ... Nor the computer!!
*We can get a bigger one or one that has better options
whenever you want without being called a slut.
*Position is your choice, not his.
*You don't have to suck it.
*It always is hard.
*It doesn't leave a mess behind.
*You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
*It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
*It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
*You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
*You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be
interested in it the next morning.
*They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you
are in the mood.
*They never drink too much and embarrass you.
*You don't have to tell the vibrator he's the best you ever had!
*Safe sex without a rubber
*Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!
*Vibrators are portable so you can do it any time, any where you want!!
*They never ask how they were.
*They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
*You don't have to stroke its ego.
*They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.
*It doesn't leave a wet spot.
*It doesn't require "a little lip action"to get hard.
*It has no problem finding the "g spot."
*You know exactly where its been.
*Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
*Vibrators don't get jealous if you have 2 or more.

 

[melody]

The Blow- Up Doll

The manager of a prosperous whorehouse in Warsaw one night found to his
dismay that he was short of girls for the evening's entertainment.
Thinking quickly, he dashed out and bought several blow-up dolls,
figuring that, given his average clientele, no one would know the
difference.
Soon he ushered a customer into a room that housed one of the new
lovelies, assuring him that he was in for an especially good time. When
the customer came out of the room a little while later, the manager was
waiting eagerly in the hallway.
He winked at him and asked, "Well? How'd you like her?"
"I don't know what happened," said the customer, shaking his head.
"I bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window."

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Once upon a time in China lived two men whose names were I KUM
and NO KUM. NO KUM was married to a young and very pretty girl named
NO KUM TU, while I KUM was single.

One night I KUM went to see his friend NO KUM. Upon arriving at
NO KUM'S home, I KUM found out that NO KUM was not at home.
NO KUM'S wife NO KUM TU invited I KUM to stay the night with her.
That night NO KUM TU came which gave I KUM great pleasure as
I KUM came too.

After a time NO KUM found out that he was going to be a father,
but NO KUM didn't know how come. When the little child was born,
NO KUM named him HOW KUM YOU KUM.

But NO KUM TU and I KUM know how come, HOW KUM YOU KUM came.
Until this day NO KUM doesn't know how come, HOW KUM YOU KUM came.

 

[melody]

Lost An Arm

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar
and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it.

He decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping
along, whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself,
I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no
arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad
he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly
and useless and was going to kill himself.
He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it
with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? "

He said, "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."

YYYYY

"I'm afraid I have some bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying,
and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten........," the doctor's voice trailed off.
"'Ten?' the man asks. "Ten what? Years? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine.......,"

YYYYY

Q: What did one pedophile say to the other?
A: Have you got two fives for a ten?

Q: Why are faggots such pricks?
A: You are what you eat.

 

[melody]

Different types of pain

Three women, while traveling in a train, are
discussing different types of pain.

The first woman says, "There is no pain like when you
suffer a fracture."

The second woman says, "That's nothing. Post-surgical
pain is the worst."

The third woman says, "I disagree. Pain during childbirth
is the severest."

An old man who is resting up on the top bunk overhears
this conversation and interrupts them.

"I don't think you three have ever experienced a swift
kick to the balls."

ooooo

THERE once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose, You’ve got crabs I suppose."
She said, "Yes and the fuckers are itchin’!"
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pig shit and snot
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat

ooooo

The Miranda Rights For New York City

1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and
will lead to a broken fucking skull.

2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present
at the time of the skull breaking.

3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of
charge, to read you the last rites, you piece of shit.

 

[melody]

Before And After Marriage

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbo charged.
After - Needs a jump-start.

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fish sticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

&&&

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a
friend, who tells him, "I know this midget with a speech
impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male
or female horse.
- "A female horth", the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one.
- "Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
- "Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes.
- "Ok, what about the eerth?"
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget
one more time and shows him the ears.
- "OK, finally, can I see her twat?"
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head
up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out. Shaking his head,
the midget says,

"Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?