JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Buncha Whats...

1. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!

2. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends .

3. What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.

4. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!

5. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

6. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

7. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

8. What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

9. What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
Nice Dick!"

10. What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for Twats.

11. Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?

12. What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in definitely!

13. Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

14. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as a meat substitute.

15. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

16. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite.

17. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

18. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.

19. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator.

20. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.

21. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.{{WOOOOOOO HOOOOOO}}

22. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

 

[melody]

Two Starving Bums

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

ggggg

A prostitute's nursery rhyme:

One two lets screw,
Three four I'm a whore,
Five six suck the dick,
Seven eight ejaculate,
Nine ten fuck me again.

ggggg

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

ggggg

Q:) What did one testicle say to the other?
A:) Don't mind the asshole behind us! It's the PRICK ahead we're working
for!

Q: what are the 3 biggest tragedies in a man's life?
A: life sucks! job sucks!................ and wife doesn't.

The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?

ggggg

Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

ggggg

"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck
in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole," Little
Johnny said. The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum," she
said."Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."

 

[melody]

At The Baseball Game

Two men were at a baseball game when one man looked over his shoulder
and spotted a woman sitting several rows behind them.
He nudged his buddy and said, "Hey, look up there, that lady is not
wearing panties!"
"Naw," came the reply, "she's got black lace panties on."
"No!" replied the first man, "that's the real thing!"
After arguing back and forth, they made a bet and asked the vendor if he
wanted to make a fast buck.
The first man said, "Hey buddy, go up there
and see if it's the real thing or black lace panties."
The vendor goes up, grabs a quick look and runs back to the two men.
"Well," asked the first man, "isn't it the real thing?"

"Nope." came the reply from the vendor.

"Then I was right, she has black lace panties on, right?"

"Nope." came the reply again.

"For Pete's sake, man," yelled the first man, "it's got to be one or the
other!"

"Nope," replied the vendor. "It's flies."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Little Johnny and his brother Billy, aged 7 and 5, are listening through
the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new
boyfriend.

They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"

Little Johnny says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Q: What is the most popular pick up line in a gay bar?
A: Can I push your stool in?

Q: How do you know when you've walked into a gay church service?
A: Only half the congregation are kneeling.

Q. What do redneck girls and bears have in common?
A. They both lick their paws.

Q: How does a hillbilly know when his mother is on the rags??
A: His brothers' dick tastes different.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

She looked so fair, in the midnight air,
With the wind blowing up her nightie...
Her tits hung loose, like the balls of a moose,
Jesus Christ Almighty...
The nipples on her tits were as big as my thumb,
The wiggle of her ass could make a dead man come,
She sucks like a vacuum, and she's real fucking dumb,
She's the girl for me.

 

[melody]

True Love

Little Johnny came home from his hot date and sat down to talk with his
dad. He had a smile on his face. 'It must be true love, dad' he sighed.

'What makes you think that it is true love?' asks his dad.

'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Suzy started out giving me the best blow
job I've ever had.'

'Nah,' replied his dad, 'that's not true love, it is just lust.'

The next night Little Johnny came in after his date, and sat down again
to talk with his dad. 'For sure it is true love, dad.' he said.

'What makes you think that it is true love this time?' asks his dad.

'Well," says Little Johnny, 'Tonight Suzy gave me the best blow job of
my life, then let me fuck her up the ass!'

'That's not true love, Johnny,' replied his dad, 'that is just
infatuation.'

'If what Suzy and I have is just infatuation, then what is true love?'
asked Little Johnny, confused.

'Well,' says his dad, 'if it was true love, she would let you fuck her
up the ass first, then give you the best blow job of your life!'

YYYYY

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you,"
the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or
later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys
felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

 

[melody]

Voodoo Penis

A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew
his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so
he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while
he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking
around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind
the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments,
and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and
there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said
"Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He
pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the
door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly
with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet
once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and
that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and
remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said
"Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and
started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became
very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but
it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out,
but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut
it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering
with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense
orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and
immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked
how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I
haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo
Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

The rest is history.

 

[melody]

For Those who Reed and Right

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why
shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for
granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work
slowly,

boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is
it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

AUTHOR UNKNOWN or is it KNOTKNOWN?

 

[melody]

15 MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX:

1) BEING PASSIVE: Don't let him undress you and himself. Just help him a lil
bit: like making the first step. It won't hurt. One more thing, just cause
we are men it doesn't mean that we must do all the job.

2) WEARING JEANS OR TIGHT PANTS: It takes time to take off these kinda
clothes. Every second counts. Remember one thing: the more time you got,
the more rounds you got. And the more rounds you got, the more you are
satisfied. Be smart.

3) GOING DOWN HALFWAY: Once you start going down, don't stop at the belly
button or around it. Keep going or just don't go below the neck at all.

4) CHOCKING HIS CHICKEN TOO HARD: Men feel pain, we are not as tough as you
think. No man has a leather Dick. You got to be smooth with the Dick.
Pulling it too hard doesn't make us feel horny, it hurts us even though we
don't tell you.

5) LICKING HIS EAR TOO MUCH: It's just the same as a dog licking a bitch's ass.

6) MOANING LIKE A RUNNER WHO NEEDS AIR: Better moan with style girl cause men
love to make fun of girls who can't moan like movies stars (Halle Berry,
Whitney Houston). Try not to make to much noise when you exhale.

7) SCRATCHING HIS BACK: We don't need no autographs, girls. It does not feel
good at all!! Depends on the length of the nails, and how deep you dig the
nail in our backs, they leave permanent marks. So keep your nails in your
pockets, please. If you feel the need to scratch a brother's back, either
grip the hell out of the sheets, or the headboard.

8) LETTING YOUR LONG HAIR FALL ON HIS FACE: Men need air: they breathe. So
please be intelligent a little bit. Don't just think about yourself :-)

9) JUMPING ON HIS HIPS 2 HARD: A man is not a horse so please take it easy
unless you got a big booty that can take care of the landing.

10) SCREAMING TOO LOUD WHEN YOU CUM: What are you, crazy??. Do you want us to
get caught by parents? Or you just love to see us jumping through the window
butt naked.

11) KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN: Everyone know that fish is the smell. But we don't
have to be smelling it when you take your drawls off. Please warn us if you
haven't freshened up. And nobody want to suck on no salty dirty titties.
Ladies, men aren't the only ones who sweat you know. And we sure don't want
you smelling like you work at a fish market either. Make sure your ass is
clean!! No man wants to eat off of a dirty plate.

12) NICE FEET: Make sure your feet are in check Every man has a certain turn
on, everything on a woman must be perfect, that's how we like it and love it.
Do not, I repeat do not!!! get in bed with us with your feet looking like
you've been walking barefoot on toxic waste. You know what I'm talking
about, nail polish coming off halfway, smelly like hell, uneven toenails,
soles are ashy as hell feeling like sandpaper, it's hard to perform good
foreplay when you have hammertime, and worst of all, don't even think about
asking us to suck your toes if they look like they been beaten with a
sledgehammer (ugly). We're not to fond of unpolished toes either. We like
them soft, smooth, pretty, and most of all tasty looking.

13) GIVING HEAD: Some women have a very bad habit of using their teeth. That
is not a banana. It's a hell of a difference between a Dick and a banana.

14) AFTER SEX: BROADCASTING: Don't go bragging to your girlfriends that you so
called got us "whipped" or "sprung". It's not cool at all, especially when
his homies are around.

15) KEEP IT REAL: When you're at the point of a breakup in a relationship,
don't wait until then to tell us we didn't knock it right. You know damn
well we had you climbing walls & walking on air.

 

[melody]

The Masquerade Party

A dark skinned man and his wife were going to a masquerade party in a couple
of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for
them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where
there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a
dark skinned Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a
replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out
on the bed was a Batman costume.

He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a
dark skinned Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the
costume party."

By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When
the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three
items. One is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the
third item is a 2 x 4 of wood.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and take the three white
buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't
like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie.
And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as
a fudgesickle."

======

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a
grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to
play with...the other is used to carry groceries.

Q: What is the definition of suspicious??
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.
DID YOU KNOW...Frozen shrimp left sitting out for about 3 days in a
small
enclosed area tends to smell like the vagina of an 80 year old
hooker?????????????

At any given moment (on average), 391,851 men in the United States
are wacking-off.
So,... be careful who you shake hands with!

 

[melody]

A young Amish boy, Little Johnny, is sitting on his bed reading
The Bible. Suddenly, his father storms in, grabs him and drags
him out into the pasture. In the pasture is one sheep chewing
grass. His father points to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had
sex with yon sheep!"

Little Johnny kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did
indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."

Saddened his father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know
this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again!!!"

***

Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See?
There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp.
That's her clit."
Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."

 

[melody]

THE TEXAN TEST

1) Which of the following foods should be fried?
a) all foods
b) all foods
c) all foods
d) all foods

2) If you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?
True
False

3) What is 8 + 3 ?
a) what?
b) the number of people living in your trailer home
c) fertilizer
d) The number eight, Jesus, and the number three

4) I will cheat on my husband...
a) for a quart of Schlitz
b) not for all the chewing tobacco in the world
c) because he cheats on our daughter
d) if he doesn't give me back my bowling glove

5) I wash my underwear when...
a) I go swimming with it on
b) I wash my truck
c) it gets brittle
d) it rains

6) I brush my teeth when...
a) I wash my truck
b) they bleed
c) it rains
d) Never. I don't have teeth

7) How many cars and/or trucks are parked in your yard?
a) 15-20
b) 21-25
c) 26-30
d) beer

8) My favorite book is...
a) TV Guide
b) Jaws
c) Bob Barker's Bio
d) What is a book?

9) Country music is so great because...
a) it makes me cry
b) it goes good with fried food
c) they play it at all our favorite truck stops
d) Black people can't dance to it

10) Nothing is more intellectually stimulating than...
a) Oprah
b) okra
c) a V8 engine
d) greased up goats

11) Cholesterol is...
a) monster truck fuel
b) a laxative
c) a communist effort to overthrow Texas
d) don't know

12) Complete the sentence: "That ole boy
a) is slippier than snot on a door knob."
b) is tougher than prison bacon."
c) is uglier than a mud fence."
d) is one little fork short of a fondue party"

13) Women should...
a) never clean house unless they're naked
b) put gravy on everything
c) cost less
d) bait their own hook

 

[melody]

The Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Morris is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," Morris replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

88888

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor
lock

HOW DO U TURN YOUR DISHWASHER INTO A SNOWBLOWER?
BUY THE BITCH A SHOVEL!

Why did God create women?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

88888

One day a women walks into work in a short skirt. As she’s walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says, "Your hair smells really nice today." She grimaces and stomps into her manager’s office. She says, "I want to file a sexual harassment complaint!" and then relates what happened. The manager says, "What’s wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?" Furious, she snarls, "He’s a midget!"

 

[melody]

You Know You're Getting Older .....
(Part 1)

- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- Your back goes out, but you stay home.
- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- Happy hour is a nap.
- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
- It takes twice as long to look half as good.
- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
- You're suffering from alzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
- You start video taping daytime game shows.
- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

 

[melody]

Students Tell A Brief Story

The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some students to tell a brief story about summer vacation. Several students eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Alice to tell a story. "We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation," Alice said. "We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was fun."
The teacher asked for another volunteer and several students eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny. She was afraid to call on Little Johnny because he swore a lot last year.
The teacher chose Fred to tell a story. "My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We stopped at a small pond; I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest trout we'd ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was great!" Fred reported.
"That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer." Several students were waving their hands. The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and decided to give him another chance.
"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole," Little Johnny said.
The teacher was angry, "Little Johnny, you mean rectum," she said.
"Wrecked'im? You bet it wrecked'im, shot his balls clean off," answered Little Johnny.

{}{}{}{}{}

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: 'What's that?' Lady 2: 'A condom.'
Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'
Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her skin of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter, she replies, "As long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

 

[melody]

How Yodeling Was Started...

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of
Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went
up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is
that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to
stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate
of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled
and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps
the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to
the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew,
her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued
on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she
broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she
cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking
for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with
my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next
to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO

<><><><><>

Judy, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend." gushes Judy. "He was working on the
engine under the hood of his car when it crashed down and
cut off a finger!"
"My god!" shrieks Carol. "Did it cut off his WHOLE finger!?"
"No, thank goodness," sniffs Judy. "But it was the one
just next to it!"

 

[melody]

Common Courtesy Rules

1. If you're in the left lane, and everybody's passing you on the right,
that means you need to get the fuck out of the left lane, genius.

2. If you stop to talk in the store, get your fat ass out of the middle
of the aisle. If you don't, and someone politely says, "Excuse me" to
get through, you have no right to look at them like they just shit in
your coffee.

3. Walk on the right side of the aisle. Works like a charm, just
like they taught you in kindergarten.

4. If you're stuck in a line of cars behind someone who needs to read
rule number one above, but you're not the poor slob right behind the
asshole, tailgating, flashing your high-beams, hitting the horn or giving
the finger will not help. The poor slob that's in front of you can't go
any faster than the shithead in front of him. Chill the fuck out.

5. Hang the fuck up and drive.

6. Four-wheel drive means you can probably get going when it's snowing.
However, it doesn't mean that you can stop, nor does it give you the right
to drive like a fucking maniac and cause problems for people who don't
have four wheel drive.

7. If you're someone who can't buy a clue and still has to drive in the
left lane all the time because you're afraid to change lanes, stay the
fuck home or ride the damn bus.

8. The next time you cut a corner, rather than turning into your own
lane, realize that if you're in an accident, it will be your fault. More
importantly, if you hit someone and you're not injured in the accident,
don't be surprised if they beat the shit out of you for being stupid.

9. If it's raining, or snowing, or foggy, or dark, turn your headlights on,
and use the low beams. High beams just reflect the fog, blind the
other drivers, and prove to the world that you're a stupid fuck.

@@@

What is the most popular pick up line in a gay bar?
Can I push your stool in?

How do you know when you've walked into a gay church service?
Only half the congregation are kneeling.

Q: What is an innuendo?
A: An Itialian suppository!

 

[melody]

The Top 10 Clever Things To Say To Convince Your Lover To Go Down On You

~*~ "If I eat a lot of sugar first, it'll be just like those Cadbury
Creme Eggs that you like so much."

~*~ "Honey, I was thinking: you know how you like fresh salmon and
steamed clams?"

~*~ "No, I swear, Honey, the TV remote is in there somewhere. Just keep
looking."

~*~ "So, twenty bucks then?"

~*~ "No honey, that's not moss growing out of my navel -- it's
mistletoe!"

~*~ "With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to
Oprah."

~*~ "Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you..."

~*~ "At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my*
wife! Can you imagine?!?"

~*~ "Look, do you want that raise or not?"

~*~ "The Taliban has outlawed it -- it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"


YOU MIGHT BE A FARMER IF...


1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer
appreciation suppers, and vacations.

3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose
before your wife would let you in the house.

4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide
rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall
your wife's birthday.

6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in
your driveway.

9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves into steers, and
peel apples.

 

[melody]

Heart To Heart

Martha was having a heart to heart talk with her mom
on her first visit
home since heading off to college.
"Mom, I have to tell you, I lost my virginity."
"Well, hon, I'm not surprised," consoled her mother.
"It was bound to
happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic
and pleasurable
experience."
"Well, yes, and no."
"What do you mean?"
"The first twelve guys felt great, but after them, my
pussy got real sore."

88888

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which
he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and
streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on
that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that
here. No, no, they don't!"

"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people
won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35.
If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They
sure won't!"

"But if you fuck one goat......."

 

[melody]

A Penguin

A guy is walking down the street and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whorehouse he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next brothel. But since he has only five dollars, they kick him out as well. By this time he is super horny, so he goes to the next brothel and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny and I need a blow job!"
The manager takes pity on him and says, "OK, for five dollars I can give you a penguin!"
"What's a penguin?" he asks.
The manager grins, "You'll find out!"
He takes the five dollars and leads the horny man into a bedroom. The horny guy unzips his pants and waits for the penguin. Soon a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a really hot blow job. Just as he is about to come, she stops and walks away. The horny guy waddles after her with his pants around his ankles, shouting,"HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS A PENGUIN?!"

------------

Two prostitutes were talking about how rough times were.
One said, "You know, times are so bad that I did a trick last night for five measly bucks, just so I had the taxi fare home!"
"Huh," replied the other slag, "I gave away a blowjob last night just to get something warm in my stomach!"

-------------

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there!"
"What do you want to do?" replied the hooker, "Knit or fuck?"

 

[melody]

A Cowboy Enters A Saloon....

A cowboy arrives in a little town, enters the saloon and screams, "I want a woman, I want a fuck!"
"Welcome." says the owner, "We have Rosy the Red who fucks like three witches for only $30!"
"She's wonderful!" replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem." said the owner, "For $20, Blondie the Blonde sucks your cock out of your underwear!"
"She's real pretty," replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem sir!" said the owner, "For $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand til the mornin!"
"She's nice," replied the cowboy, "But I don't hav......"
"How much fucking money do you have then?" screamed the owner.
"Errrrr," whispered the cowboy, "25 cents!"
"All right then," gasped the owner, "Go upstairs to room 22!"
The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed sees a nice young girl lying with her legs wide open. He jumps on her and begins fucking. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and says to the owner, "I... I think I have a problem!"
"What about?" replied the owner.
"Well," said the cowboy, "You know the young lady in room 22.....I was having fun with her and suddenly she turned her face and threw up a load of white mess!"
"Oh shit!" screamed the owner, "Someone go and change the corpse in room 22, it's full again!"

=======

Two prostitutes were talking. The first one said, "Last night I made $500 and I feel like a bottle of champagne!"
"Well," said the other whore, "Last night I made $5000 and I feel like a pot of glue!"

=======

A prostitute had a slow night and decided to catch a cab home. When she got home she told the cabbie that she had no money, then she lifted her skirt and said, "Take it outta that!"
The cabbie turned round and said to the pro, "Haven't you got anything smaller?"

 

[melody]

Short Funnies

As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head
kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with
one of his patients."
But another voice kept reminding him, "Howard, you are a
veterinarian."

88888

Fuck, fuck, fuck a duck,
Screw a kangaroo.
Finger bang orangutangs.
Orgy at the zoo!

88888

The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1 - Life sucks
2 - Job sucks
3 - Wife doesn't....

88888

Five reasons not to be a penis:
1) Your head is bald forever.
2) You live between two nuts.
3) An asshole lives behind you.
4) Your best mate's a cunt.
5) When you get excited, you get sick and then faint.

88888

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive
imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You
wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on
a dead beaver."

88888

My urologist told me all his patients were dicks.
My proctologist has a bunch of ass holes for patients.

88888

Hear about the 2 gay Irish Lovers?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick FitzGerald