JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

If God Was A Woman....

1. Sex would smell like chocolate
2. Farts would smell like roses
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh
4. Babies would come from vending machines
5. Men would be born with a permanent erection
6. All women would have the same size breasts
7. There would be no cellulite
8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE
9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch
10. There would be no "Hooters"
11. A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife
12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in
Hawaii!
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle
14. Men would come with software to be custom designed
15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by
wife
16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant
verification of truth
17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the
difference between six inches and three inches
18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds
19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the
cheek
20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.

@@@

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious
techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is
beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"

"No way, how could that be?"

"She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she
works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you
squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all,
she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow
her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with
her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa!
Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil
sharpener!"

 

[melody]

X-Rated Bumper Stickers

Constipated people don't give a sh*t.

Practice safe sex, go fu*k yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your a$$, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my a$$.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

And the #1 bumper sticker of the week....Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

&&&

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.

Q. What's the definition of oral sex?
A. The taste of things to come.

 

[melody]

"FUCK! What A Driver!"

A guy gets on a bus and sits in the front seat. He spits on the floor
and says, "FUCK! What a driver!" After he does this a few times, the
driver orders him off the bus.

Another guy gets off at the same time. The guy spits on the sidewalk and
says, "FUCK! What a driver!"

The second guy says, "I didn't think that guy was a bad driver. What's
your problem with him?"

He says, "I wasn't talking about the bus driver. When I was walking to
the bus stop I saw a really ugly fat broad trying to park a pink 1979
Cadillac Eldorado convertible in a space that was about a foot longer
than the car. I yelled at her 'Lady, if you can get that car into that
space, I'll eat your snatch.' Ptui! Fuck! What a driver!"

;;;;;

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"

;;;;;

While Greeley was fucking Miss Klutz,
She said as he plunged in his putz,
"Do you love me dear Greeley?"
He answered, "Not really,
I just wanted to blow off my nuts"

A destitute lady named Laker
Accosted and fucked a lewd Quaker.
When she asked him for bread,
He smiled sagely and said,
"If thee wisheth bread, fuck a baker."

 

[melody]

Bumper Stickers Seen In Michigan....

"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(The following bumper sticker was Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You
Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE
CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON

 

[melody]

Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Women with Big Tits...

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless
recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Tits...

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

 

[melody]

Philthy Phunnies

A little boy was walking down the street and he found a condom, which he thought was a "twinkie" He picked it up. A second or two later a teenage boy ran up to him and said,"I'll give ya a buck for that thang in your hand!"
The little boy quickly obliged. When he got home he asked his mom to take him to the store because he had money. His mom asked him where he got the money.
He said: "I found a twinkie and sold it to a boy, but I got the best of the deal. I had already sucked the cream filling out of it!"

YYYYY

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

YYYYY

A girl goes to her doctor and as he's examining her, he says "those are terrible rug burns on your knees."
"Yeah, doc," she says, "it's from doing it doggy style."
"Don't you know any other sexual positions?"
"Sure, but my doggy don't."

YYYYY

There once was a girl from the Azures
Whose cunt was all covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Used to eat the green meat
Which hung in festoons from her drawers

 

[melody]

How To Give A Blow Job
(And Blow His Mind)

Blowjobs aren't just for men's pleasure. That's right, many women say the feeling of control it gives them combined with the oral stimulation is a turn-on in its own right.. Read on for tips and techniques to make a blowjob an ultimately satisfying experience for all involved.

lllll

The Anatomy

Know what you're getting into:
Glans: The head of the penis
Frenulum: The underside of the glans; ** the most sensitive part **
Shaft: The length of the penis
Perineum: The area between the anus and the testicles
Testicles: Where sperm is made and stored for ejaculation.

lllll

Basic Up & Down

Position yourself comfortably:
Start by teasing his penis - kiss, breathe lightly, whisper, tickle.
Switch to sucking. Create a vacuum by pursing your lips, then using them to surround his penis.
Thrust your mouth down over his penis while you suck.
Use your saliva as a lubricant.
Stroke with your hands while sucking.
Twist your hand as you move up and down on the shaft. Switch hands occasionally for variation.

lllll

Beyond Sucking

Licking & nibbling is quite stimulating:
Run your tongue around the glans, then focus on the frenulum.
Flick your tongue back and forth and all around as you're sucking.
Lick the bottom of the shaft while using your hand to fondle the glans, and vice versa.

lllll

All-Around Focus

There's more to the penis than meets the eye:
Take his balls gently into your mouth and suck.
Run your tongue along his perineum.
Lick his anus and see if he likes it.
Rub his balls gently as you suck the shaft.

lllll

Spit or Swallow

It's your decision:
Some like to take come into their mouth, some like to watch it shoot. Both can be very sexy.
If you choose to take it in your mouth, you can swallow or keep a cloth or napkin nearby to spit into.
Know your partner and make good choices. Swallowing during oral sex on an HIV-infected man has been known transmit the virus.

lllll

10 Advanced Tips

1. Take a deep breath before you take his penis into your mouth to relax your throat muscles. This is to prevent gagging if you think his penis is going to touch the back of your throat.
2. Use your hand around the base of his penis to control how deep he goes into your mouth.
3. Try swallowing when his penis reaches the back of your throat. It kind of tickles.
4. You can start a blowjob when your partner's penis is flaccid and stimulate him to erection.
5. Pubic hairs in your mouth are normal. Just stop for a minute to take them out & then keep going.
6. Use a finger in your partner's anus to massage his prostate.
7. Pop an ice cube in your mouth or a mint for extra stimulation.
8. Run your hands over his inner thighs as your mouth moves on his shaft.
9. Keep your teeth away from his penis, or very, very lightly rub them against him while sucking.
10. Not all men come during oral sex. Don't worry if he doesn't - his orgasm is his responsibility, not yours.

 

[melody]

I just realized that I've been married over 25 years
and my wife has never had laryngitis. What a rip-off.

Bumper sticker seen on the back of a car:
"I wish my wife was this dirty!"
A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages.
His first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn't.

Definition of The Perfect Husband:
A guy who makes his wife's panties wet... doing the laundry
every week.

The young wife hasn't spoken to her husband since the baby
was born, all because of a little misunderstanding...
She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he
called the plumber.

Q: What happens when a whore's house catches fire?
A: Some come out running and some run out coming!

Q. How do you know when you're living in a really bad neighborhood?
A. The church has a bouncer.

Q: What do you get when you breed a cat with a rabbit?
A: A pussy hare.

Q: What do terrorists and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

"Your momma's so fat when she was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease
the doctor gave her 13 years to live."

What do you call a beetle's pet rabbit?
A bug's bunny.

 

[melody]

Rubber Ducky

One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysitter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.

So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysitter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysitter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."

When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"

The guy said "Um, it's a rubber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."

Then the babysitter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."

So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.

The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."

------------

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

 

[melody]

Dirty Grandma

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

9999

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

9999

There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with eachother and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door so one of the guys was like im going to answer the door so dont finish without me right. So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him i told you not to finish without me.

The other guy says i didnt.....I FARTED!!!!!!!

 

[melody]

Why Are Women So Cranky?

Well, let me tell you why.
We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or
10 years old, only to find
anything that comes in contact with those
tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the
almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school
will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our
periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner).
Along with those
budding boobs, we now bloat, cramp,
get the hormonal mood swings,
have a choice to wear little mattresses
between our legs or shove
tubular, packed cotton rods deep into places
we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage
(premarital or not) is having sex
for the first time,
which is about as much fun as having a ramrod
push your uterus through your nostrils ...
and that's IF he did
it right and didn't end up with his
little cart before his horse,
leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood,
where we learn to live on nothing but
dry crackers and water for months on end
so we don't spend entire
days leaning over Brother John.
Of course, amazing creatures that
we are (and we ARE, make no mistake about it),
we learn to live
with the growing little angels inside us
steadily kicking our innards
night and day,
making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby.
Our once-flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon
whole and we pee every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will
invariably burst right in the middle of the mall
and we'll waddle with our big
cartoon feet, moaning in pain
all the way to the hospital.
Then it's huff and puff and beg to die
while the doctor says,
"Please stop screaming, Mrs. In-Labor.
Calm down and push.
Just one more good push,"
(he LIES; it's at LEAST 10 more!)
warranting a strong,
well-deserved impulse to punch
the bastard (and husband) square
in the nose for making us cram a wiggling,
mushroom-headed
ten pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels,
only to find that when
all that "cute" wears off,
the beautiful little darlings morph into
walking, jabbering, wet, gooey,
snot-blowing, life-sucking little
poop machines.
The teen years; need I say more?

The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious
sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's,
while hubby had his
somewhere around his 18th birthday
(which just *happens* to be the
reason all that early hot man sex
got you knocked up in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale:
"Menopause," the Grandmother
of all womanhood.
It's either take the HRT
and chance cancer in
those now seasoned "buds"
or the aforementioned Nether Regions,
or sweat like a hog in January,
wash your sheets and pillowcases daily,
and bite the head off anything
that moves within your line of sight.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful
than men when men get off so easy
INCLUDING the icing on life's cake:
Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks?
Don't get me wrong -- I love being a woman,
but "Womanhood"
would make the Great Gandhi spiteful!
And they say women are the "weaker sex."

 

[melody]

On The Train

A beautiful woman is sitting on a train with an empty seat next to her. A
cowboy dressed in a Stetson hat and fancy boots saunters over and says,
"Pardon me, ma'am, do you mind if I sit
here?"

The woman looks up at him and says, "I most certainly do! Cowboys are
disgusting! I hate cowboys! Cowboys are mean, crude, vile, and uncouth!
I'll tell you something else I know about cowboys. Cowboys will screw
*anything!* Cowboys will screw sheep, they'll screw cattle, they'll screw
dogs, they'll screw lizards, they'll screw chickens-"

Suddenly the incredulous cowboy asks,
"*Chickens?!*"

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

What should you do if you arrive home and find your wife in bed
with another man?
-Make sure his guide dog hasn't shit on the bedroom floor!

Why shouldn't you have sex with your wife in the morning?
-Because you've got all day to find something better!

How does a woman know when a man fakes an orgasm?
-She ends up swimming in a sea of piss!

How do you tell if you've had a really good night of oral sex?
-You wake up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out
of your mouth.

How can you tell if a pussy really stinks?
-A fly lands on it and throws up.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

The bloke asked his date, "What do you think of anal sex?"
"Ugh," the girl exclaimed. "I couldn't let anyone stick their prick
up my back passage unless I was totally drunk."
"The whiskey's in the top left cabinet," the bloke said.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Two faggots are living together. Bruce goes out to work while Cyril
stays at home everyday to do the housework. One day Bruce comes
home and finds Cyril with his bum in the fridge. "What are you doing Cyril?"
he asks, to which the Cyril replies, "Oh Bruce, I thought you might like something
nice and cool to slip into when you came home."

 

[melody]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator
from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot
on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a
cum stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot,
then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."

ooooo

This bloke walks into an outback bar with a big crocodile and sets it on the bar.
He asks the barkeep for a beer, and opens the crocks mouth, sticks his cock in
its mouth and drinks his beer. The bartender is amazed. The bloke pulls his cock
out, and asks the bartender, "Do you want to try it?"
"No," says the bartender, "I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."
_____

I like keeping an eye on the clock
While jerking my load in a sock.
But my dear darling wife
Could save me this strife
If only she'd suck on my cock.
_____

Mary had a little shock
For the men who wanted her fanny.
She made them grope her throbbing cock,
'cuz Mary was a trannie.
_____

The cunt is a hole that never heals.
The more you rub it the better it feels,
And all the soap from here to hell
Can never get rid of that fuckin' smell.
_____

Sing a song of syphilis, a fanny full of crabs,
Four and twenty blackheads, twice as many scabs.
When the heads popped open,
The crabs began to sing,
Wasn't that a filthy cunt to put your penis in!
_____

I once knew this bloke from Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born.
And he wouldn't have been
If his Father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
_____

She demanded I gave her affection,
Then opened her thighs for inspection.
I found her quite nice
Til I noticed the lice
And immediately lost my erection.

 

[melody]

Men's Department

A man was shopping in the men's department at Blooming-
dale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman
behind the sales counter.

He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."

She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you
like?"

"What would I like? I'd like to wrap my arms around you
and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your
bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your
inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to
your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth. And then
I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your
nipples lightly... But what I came to buy is a new tie."

=========

A man goes to his dentist for a regular check-up. After
the dentist has had a short look at the man's mouth he
says, "So...been licking your wife recently?"

The poor man looks up in horror and replies, "Uhhh ...
Yeah ...uhhh...why? ...Do I have pubes between my teeth?"

Whereupon the dentist replies, "Nope ...you've got shit
in your nostrils!"

======

At the YMCA one day, a really fat man called Auschef got out of the
shower
and Thorn saw him.
Thorn said, "I don't mean to be rude, but you are FAT!"
Auschef said, "Yeah, I know I'm really big."
Thorn asked, "Man, how long's it been since you've seen your dick?"
Auschef says, "LONG time, Man."
Thorn asks, "Well, why don't you diet?"
Auschef asks, "WHY? What color is it now?"

 

[melody]

Dirty Blonde Jokes

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.

Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What do blonde's do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: What do blonde's do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What's the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: What nickname is most used by blonde's in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.

Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refrigerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.

Q: What's a 68 to a blonde?
A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.

Q: Why is it that Blonde's always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it's cost they gotta pull their own pants down...

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.

Q: What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
A: Vaseline and Poligrip.

Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet fuck all.

Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth?
A: Einstein's dick.

Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.

Q: What did the blonde say during a porno?
A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!"

Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.

Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.

 

[melody]

Little Johnny And Little Tommy

Little Johnny and Little Tommy went over to Little Johnny's house to
play. Little Johnny's mother overheard them playing in his big sister's
room.

"Little Johnny, I've looked and looked but I don't see any tigers,
clowns or elephants," Little Tommy complained.

Little Johnny asked him what he meant, and he explained, "I overheard
some high school boys say your sister was a three-ring circus."

Little Johnny's mother smiled at the innocence of the boys, until she
heard Little Johnny's explanation:

"Oh that, that just means that on the first date she'll suck your cock,
on the second date she'll fuck you, and on the third date she'll let you
fuck her up the ass!"

~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~

A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became
bored.

"Hey, let's play a game" she said.

"What game?" was his bored reply.

"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me,"
replied the blonde.

"What if I can't find you?" he answered, still bored.

"I'll be behind the piano," she said.

~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~

A Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA
batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this
way," and heads towards the back of the store.

"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't
need the batteries."

~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~

Q: What's a real mate?
A: Someone who'll go into town, get two head jobs and gives you one
….when he returns.
Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.
Q: Why do ballerinas wear tights?
A: So when they do the splits they don't stick to the ground.
Q: What do eating pussy and the Mafia have in common?

 

[melody]

Disorder In Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
>>>

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>>>

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
>>>
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
>>>
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
>>>
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
>>>
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>>>
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
>>>
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>>>
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
>>>
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
>>>
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>>
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
>>>
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.
>>>
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>>>
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
>>>
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.
>>>
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>>>
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.

 

[melody]

NAUGHTY POEMS

Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.

~*~*~*~*~

Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When I think of you
Oh baby I get horny.

~*~*~*~*~

I like your style
I like your class
but most of all
I like your ass

~*~*~*~*~

Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says i love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn

~*~*~*~*~

Sex is when a guys information
enters a girls communication
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration

~*~*~*~*~

Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...

Did you ever notice how all women's problems begin with MEN!?!?!?

~*~*~*~*~

Eat me,
Beat me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
if you kiss me,
don't be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!

~*~*~*~*~

Holy mother, full of grace
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him away from all other girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Put his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one I sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fuck
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.

 

[melody]

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

*Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j)
I
must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
____________ _________ _______

There was a young fellow named Keith,
who liked to be fondled beneath.
When she used her lips,
He wiggled his hips,
But not when the bitch used her teeth.
____________ _________ _______

Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man" a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits ! Where do you want me to install these blinds ?"

 

[melody]

The Older Couple

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you use to kiss
me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said :"Then
you use to bite my neck" Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and
got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?"she asked. "To get my teeth.

===================

Redneck Sayings

1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

2. "It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch."

3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

4. "Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ‘saucered and blowed.’"

5. "She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm."

6. "It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

7. "My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull."

8. "Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining."

9. "He’s as country as cornflakes."

10. "This is gooder’n grits."