JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The Maiden

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one
but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in
his town has been at it.

Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from
the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then
sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After
many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the
monastery and marries her.

After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the
bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They
lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum
jelly.

"Why the jelly?" she asks him.

"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking,"
he replies.

"Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"

@@@

Q. What's the difference between a women that's had a child and a women
who hasn't?
A. One has a has a tiny tot, and one has a tiny twat.

"I don't know why, but I've always found it difficult to make friends.
Know what I mean, Dickhead?"

@@@

One doctor tells another. "I just have to talk to some one I am so guilt
ridden." Second doctor says, "Well you can tell me I have a lot of
doctors
confiding in me, maybe I can help." "Well for years and years now I have
been having sex with my patients every chance I got and I just have to
get
it off my chest." "That is not too strange a lot of doctors I know have
sex
with their patients, However, I will admit not many of them are vets.

 

[melody]

50 More Lies Men Tell Women

51. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me
52. No, I'm not seeing anyone else
53. I haven't thought about her (old girlfriend) in years
54. How many times do I have to tell you I'm not having an
affair?
55. Your career is as important as mine
56. I promise you that I'll change
57. I want us to remain close friends always
58. My wife and I have an understanding
59. You're wonderful; you deserve someone better than me
60. I don't masturbate
61. Let's be friends first
62. When you walked through that door, I knew it was the real
thing
63. I'd like you even if you were a man
64. It's okay to be good looking, but looks just don't mean that
much to me
65. The difference between us will bring us even closer
66. I spend everything I earn on you and the kids
67. No, I never said that
68. You make me feel like a kid again
69. I'm going out with the boys (to the gym, to the office)
70. I'll move wherever you want
71. Of course I'm not bored with you
72. As soon as I finish this project (get a promotion, a raise,
make partner), we'll......
73. You've got more sex appeal in your little toe than my wife's
got in her whole body
74. It wouldn't be you and me anymore if I used one of those
75. Let's pool our assets - whatever is mine is yours
76. I still find you just as attractive as the day I met you
77. Divorce is the farthest thing from my mind
78. Sure, I'll watch the kids
79. It's not just the sex I want, it's being close to you.
80. We'll be spending a lot of time together when I retire
81. You're the only
reason I've worked so hard
82. If I didn't have all this work, you know I'd go with you and
the kids to your mom's
83. No one's ever turned me on like you do
84. My boss says there's nothing to worry about
85. I'll never tell
86. Relax, she's just a friend
87. This is just a temporary separation until we get things
worked out
88. Your hair (dress, outfit) looks fantastic
89. It was just sex - it didn't mean a thing
90. Of course I'm listening to what you're saying
91. Come on in and we'll just cuddle for a few minutes
92. No, I don't think you're fat
93. You're the woman I should have married
94. I'm going to be focusing on my work for a while now.
95. I guarantee you, I'm not the father
96. Your having kids has nothing to do with my not wanting to get
married
97. I'm not ashamed of the way you talk (look, act, etc.)
98. It's nothing personal; I just don't like sharing my living
space with someone
99. This time I'm really serious
100. Honestly, honey, it's just for the guys - none of the wives
go to the conference
101. I'll always take care of you.

 

[melody]

The Cute Girl And Her Terrier

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed, but somewhat chubby, terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have."

"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"

"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."

"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.

"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"

"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"

"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky', because he's a little fat?"

"Oh, no!" she replied with a smile, "It's because he fucks pigs!"

UUUUUUUUUU


The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex:

R: You're the one
W: Next.

R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane?

R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.

R: What color are your eyes?
W: Is my discharge still brown?

R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.

R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.

R: I love you.
W: I love you.

 

[melody]

Royal Blood

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an
I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation". The nurse gives him a sealed
cup and directs him to a private room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't
come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I
poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

====================

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

What do you call a cat who eats lemons?
A sour puss

What's the definition of eternity?
From the time you cum, 'till the time she goes home.


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be, that one of us is Chinese.
It's either my mom or my dad, my older brother Colin, me or
my youngest brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.

====================

A man called the doctor's office and says that his wife has the flu and
needs an appointment.
The receptionist replied that the office was going to be closed for a
couple of days, but that he could have an appointment in 3 days.
The man went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?!!!
The doctor can't see her for three days?!!! She could be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would
you please call to cancel the appointment?"

 

[melody]

Typical Hillbillie Family

A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"

Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you." Paw hollers, "Maw
get yourself in here!" Paw then says, "Maw, take your clothes off and
get on the bed. Now spread your legs."

Paw says, "Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"

In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims,

"What is going on?"

Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex."

Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?"

Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"

@@@

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A Space Invader

What's a blondes favorite rock group?
Air Supply

@@@

A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the
greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman
last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why, because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from cumming too fast."

@@@

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he
could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a
can of blue paint and a shovel..'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doctor replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one
ball red and the other ball blue.

If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you
hit her over the head with the shovel.'.... .

 

[melody]

Signs She Is Bored In Bed:

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

18. Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at
solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda,
Yadda,Yadda."

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants
on too.

6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name.
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

@@@

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side
on a plane.

The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll
from?"

The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use
a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied,
"So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

 

[melody]

Yo Mama's So Stupid...

* Yo Mama's so stupid, I told her to buy a color TV, she came back and said what color.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."
* Yo Mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said `concentrate.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she thought 2pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eat for food."
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile home.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, when your dad fucked her she said "Doesn't it go in my mouth?"
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the top down.

 

[melody]

Marriage Contract For Women

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1.
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes,wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02
I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2.
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
`
Section 3.
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01
I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4.
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5.
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.

Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04
I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...

Section 6.
After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have"ruined me for other men".

Section 6.
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.01
With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)

 

[melody]

Naughty Little Johnny

Little Johnny started a new job on Friday. On Monday he called in and
said, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he called in
again and said, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asked the foreman about him, and the foreman said, "He's great.
He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss called Little Johnny into his office, and said, "You seem to
have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd
hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with?
Drugs? Alcohol?"

Little Johnny said, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my
brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So
every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts
her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the
next thing you know, I'm fucking her."

The boss said, "You fuck your sister, that's sick!?"

Little Johnny replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

@@@

Mom took little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny said, "It's that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too
darned sharp."
_____

The town drunk sent his son, Little Johnny, to fetch him some gin from
the local bar. Little Johnny told bartender that his Dad wanted some
gin.

The bartender, winking at his customers, said, "There are three kinds of
gin, hydrogin, nitrogin, and drinking gin. Which kind does your Dad
want?"

Little Johnny said he didn't know but would go ask.

The bar patrons had a good laugh at bartender's cleverness. When Little
Johnny returned the bartender said, "What did your Dad say?"

Little Johnny replied, "My Dad said to tell you that there were three
kinds of turds, musturd, custurd, and you, you big shit".

 

[melody]

Wife In A Coma

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head.
As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed.
As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair.
Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder.
Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"
The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well.
Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.
"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."
They called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement.
When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair,
they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.
The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous
in order to provoke a stronger reaction.
"I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.
The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room.
Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.
The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.
"Oops," he said,
"I think I choked her."

@@@

A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a
knock at the door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.

She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"

So he lets her in. "What'll it be?"

"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."

He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them
and he watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.

The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes
her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up.

It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for
twenty bucks per go. Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.

When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside
the door where she first came from and he counts his profits.

The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he
answers and the girl is back. He can't believe his luck. Inviting
her in he asks, "Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"

"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey makes my pussy sore."

 

[melody]

More Naughty Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes for a long week-end with his uncle, a farm owner.
One evening, as Uncle Fred and his wife are entertaining guests with
cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Little Johnny who
shouts out, "Uncle Fred! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!"

Uncle Fred, highly embarrassed, takes Little Johnny aside, and explains
that a certain amount of decorum is required. "You should have said,
'the bull is surprising the cow' - not some filth picked up in the
playground," he says.

A few days later, Little Johnny comes in again as his aunt and uncle are
entertaining. "Uncle Fred! The bull is surprising the cows!" The adults
share a knowing grin.

Uncle Fred says, "Thank you Little Johnny, but surely you meant to say,
"the cow, not cows". A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a
time you know."

"Oh yes he can!" replies Little Johnny, "he's fucking the horse!"

@@@

Little Johnny can't sleep. So he gets up and enters his parents'
bedroom. It's not too late and his folks are caught in a very revealing
and compromising position.

Little Johnny is shocked! "Daddy! Mummy! What's wrong! Are you okay?" he
asks hesitantly.

His father being the quick thinker that he is stammers, "Um! Your mummy
and I are, Ummm, making you a baby brother or sister to play with. It
takes a while and it looks funny but that's how it's done."

Little Johnny thinks for a while and nods in satisfaction. His dad is
extremely pleased and sends him back to bed.

A week later, Little Johnny is bawling his head off on the front porch
when his daddy gets home. "What's wrong Little Johnny?" asked his
worried father.

"You know my baby brother you and mummy were making?"

"Yeah?,"

Little Johnny cries, "Well, while you were at work, mummy let the
mailman in and I think he ate my baby brother!!"

 

[melody]

"Honey, can you fix...."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for
weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does
it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think
so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To
which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have
Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front
door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't
think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to
go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps
are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is
working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a
nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do
all the repairs, and all I had to do was either give him a blow job and
fuck him, or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my
forehead?

O0O0O0O0O0

"Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a sixteen year old one morning in a belligerent tone of voice. Her mother paled. "And it's all your fault," continued the girl. "My fault?" gasped the mother. "I bought you books, showed you pictures. I told you all about the facts of life." "Yeah, yeah... but you never taught me how to give a decent blow job, did you?"

 

[melody]

10 Commandments of a Teenager!!!

1) Thou shall not sneek out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)

2) Thou shall not do drugs (alcohol last longer)

3) Thou shall not steel from k-mart. (Wal-Mart has a bigger
selection)

4) Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger
effect)

5) Thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has more
money)

6) Thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)

7) Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)

8) Thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike says just do it)

10) Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in the
middle)

yyyyyyyyyy

One day the parents of an fifteen-year- old boy and his
fourteen-year-
old sister leave them alone together in the house. The two kids
begin talking about "it," and pretty soon they decide to try doing "it"
with each other. After they're done, the boy says: "Wow, you're even
better than Mom!" "I know," says the girl, "that's what Dad says too."

yyyyyyyyyy

A married couple had just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary.

The husband, tired of the same old sex, says to his wife, "Honey, I
want to try something new to spice up our sex life."

"Sure" said his wife. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well," said the husband, "I really want to try cumming in your ear."

"WHAT?! What are you, crazy? That's disgusting, and besides, I could
become deaf!"

"What do you mean, deaf? You've been giving me blow jobs for over 25
years, and you haven't become dumb."

 

[melody]

Intercourse Etiquette And Decency

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).


2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!


3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's pain damn it!

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.


5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy is not.


6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.


7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!


8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.


9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.


10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, .... and remember .. it is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.


11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.


12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.


13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.


14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.


15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.


16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.


17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.


18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular movements.


19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.


20) CUMMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

 

[melody]

Happy Thanksgiving!

Things I Can Only Say This Week At Thanksgiving And Get Away With It

1. Talk about a huge breast.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's cool whip time.
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
20. Man, that looks just like cranberry sauce.
21. Is that hole good and stuffed?
22. Should I wrap that for you?
23. I've done my part, now I just want to sleep.

@@@

You Might Be A Redneck If:

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

 

[melody]

Happy Thanksgiving To all My friends And Family

How to Cook a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

@@@

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.

After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

@@@

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.

Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.

She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

 

[melody]

What I've Learned From Watching Porn...

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with
sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy fucks.

11. People in the 70s couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo
in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl
isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove
your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to
remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand
firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his
hip.

 

[melody]

Parenting FAQ's

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant
woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good
for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her
plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
_________

Joe and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Joe was looking really down in
the dumps.
What's the matter? Bill asked.
I don't get it, Joe sighed. The ****** scene is so confusing. There are
so many damned people you have to please. Like this one woman, she
liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me. Then there was
this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didn't
like me.
"And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved
me, her parents seemed to really like me too, but her husband couldn't
stand me!

 

[melody]

More Intercourse Etiquette and Decency

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies!

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off to Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic sound. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.... and it looks pretty silly when its summer.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen

 

[melody]

Married Life

This guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into a guy
from his wedding party. The guy asked him how married life was treating him.
The married guy replied,
"Great except for one problem, our sex life. Everytime I am getting
off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm not.
We are frustrated because we heard it is so much better when you get
off at the same time."

The guy from the wedding party replied, "There is a simple solution to
that. The next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab in the
stomach. For some reason that makes women get off."
Even though it was against his better judgment, the married man
promised to try it, and the two parted their ways.

About 3 months later, by chance they met up again and of course the guy
is eager to find out what had happened. He replied, "Hey, is everything
better on the home front?" The married man replied, "Not exactly!!! I
did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to
get off, so I punched her in the stomach. She pissed in my face and
almost bit my dick off!"

=====

John was talking to Alan.
"So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep, whenever I mention sex, they object."

=====

Did you hear about the divorced redneck?
He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister.
==
The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her
husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!"
The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
==
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every
once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your
eyes.