JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Funny Shorties

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to
partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter
asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't
been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the
partition." Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any
girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her
back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What
are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out
the partition."

(((((

Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash.

Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island.

Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule.

Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on.

This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies…

The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn’t handle it anymore so they buried her.

(((((

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour, 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig.

The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

(((((

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"

"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.

"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"

 

[melody]

The Tent Pole

John woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he turned over to
his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened
though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little
boy into the room and asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her
husband. The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son
to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her
husband. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*

How do you fuck a fat chick?
Get a pound of hamburger and a poodle. Put the hamburger in her pussy,
and while the dog eats the hamburger, fuck it up the ass.

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*

Jenny, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys
at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with
boys.

"Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I
need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my
boyfriend."

"Swallow." her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular
later on."

 

[melody]

Funny Sexual Positions

All The Sexual Positions That You Can Try With Your Special Someone Tonight!

Dirty Elvis: Is making the bitch look like a dirty Mexican not enough? Well, thank God for the King. Start to give the woman the Dirty Sanchez, but instead of wiping your shit finger on her upper lip, you give her some nice long Elvis sideburns. If your lucky she'll O.D. on the toilet and you won't have to call her.

Double Whammy: Very simple and funny position. All you do in donkey punch the bitch INTO a table time. Easy, and you can check off two sex positions at once.

People's Pussy: When you've got some stank bitch from behind and the nasty pussy smell starts creeping up to your nose, shout out at the top of your lungs, "CAN YOU SMELLLLLLL what my COCK is fuckin'" Then answer your own question with a resounding, "YES!" and drop a sharp elbow on her chest. As she looks up at you in dismay, be sure to give her the people's eyebrow.

Spartan War Helmet: Your laying the bitch down, giving her a teabag to warm up the sack, and what do you know, Athens is attacking, and she has to go to war. Now, be a nice guy and help her with her helmet by flopping your nuts over her eyes, and slapping your dick right down her nose. Now she's ready for battle.

Starry Eyed Surprise: This is when your girl is sucking on your nuts and right before you blow your load you tell her to look up at the beautiful stars, and when she does, bust a nut in her eye and yell "starry eyed surprise!"

Carbonated Cum (CGSB): The once in a lifetime act when blowing a hot steamy load down the back of the girl's throat, proceed to give her a large cold bottle of your most favorite carbonated drink and make her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect.

Aztec: It's called the Aztec because it will only be done in a drug induced cracked out prophetic haze. A dick in the stink, six fingers in the pink, and three fingers in your own ass. Although it's never known to have been performed, hopefully it will catch on.

Wrecking Ball: Do your girl from behind while standing. While she's bent over, grab both of her wrists. Pick a nearby target, and swing that bitch's head into it like a wrecking ball.

Hotdog in the Hallway: Jesus Shit, This thing here is like a throwing a hotdog in a hallway.

Pumpkin Love: This is when you are fucking a girl who you hate, and you want to make her cry. After about 3 minutes of fucking, tell her to hop off the nuts, and then go fuck a pumpkin, cum in it, make her eat the insides of the pumpkin, and then break that fucker over her head. Hop off the nuts, thanks.

Sandbag: When you are doing a girl on the beach, just before you raid her womb, remove the rubber (without getting caught of course), and proceed to bang away until you blow your load, without pulling out. As you dismount and prepare for departure, grab a handful of sand, throw it in her eyes, and run away giggling hysterically while leaving her blinded, butt-naked, and knocked up. Especially lots of fun when accomplished during the spring break season.

Rusty Trombone: The nastiest instrument known to humanity. You get your girl to start corn holing you with her tongue, as she rims you, she gives you a reach around and starts to jerk you off. Play that tune, you sick fuck.

 

[melody]

Giving Confession

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion
wine before hand and had to piss really bad. So when the next guy was
done with his confession the priest asked him, "Would you mind sitting
in for me while I piss?"
The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest
showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go
along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under
control.
The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Mary's, Rosaries
and everything was going good. Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me
Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."
So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it.
He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but
couldn't find a penance.
So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a
blowjob?"
To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a
soda pop."

@@@

Did you hear about the blonde who got a Toy Poodle for her Birthday??
She Killed It Trying To Get The Batteries Up It's Ass!

If a blonde who dyes her hair brown is "Artificial Intelligence," what
would you call a brunette who bleached her hair blonde?
"Artificial stupidity?"

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant with twins.

Why was the blonde reviewing the ABCs?
She was studying for a multiple choice test.

@@@

A Ballerina goes to the doctor, "Doc I am having terrible trouble with
the most awful wind. Every time I pirouette I fart," she cries.

"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible." The
ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... farts loudly.

"That's amazing, do it again."

Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart.

"Hmmm," says the Doctor. "I think I may be able to help." He bends down
and picks up a long pole with a curious hook on the end.

The ballerina jumps back in alarm, "What are you going to do with
that?"

"Open the window, it stinks in here for kripes sake."

 

[melody]

New Medications For Women Only

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing
the
memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they moved out.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves
flirting.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country western music.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.

PENISCILLIN
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines
as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and
duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALl
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy
so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a
book by Dr. Laura.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.

SEXCEDRIN
More effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have a
headache" syndrome.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging
him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
herself.

@@@

There was a man that died with a very large hard on. When the funeral director put him in the casket, he could not get it shut.
He strapped his dick to his stomach, but the man sat right up, so he strapped it to his legs and the man's legs shot into the air.
The funeral director called the man's widow and asked for her advise in which she replied, "Cut it off and stick it up his ass!!?
The night of the viewing the widow went up to the casket to see her husband and noticed that there were tears coming from his eyes.
She smiled and said "Ha Ha, you dumb son of a bitch, I told you that it hurt."

 

[melody]

A PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday,
and 5% on Fridays
Help me to remember that when I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

@@@

This guy goes for a crap and it just keeps going. He's crapping for 3 hours straight. It just won't stop. He's constantly flushing the toilet. Finally he gets to the point where, he actually shits his brains right out. He has no brains left at this point.
He's finally done, he wipes his arse and for the first time in his life he puts the seat down. ...

@@@

Q: Why is having a good shit better than sex?
A: Because you don't have to kiss it afterwards

Q: What has six legs and eats pussy?
A: You, me and Ellen Degeneres.

Q: What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A: An infected pussy on your organ.

Q: Why does a man have a hole in his penis?
A: To get some air to his brain.

 

[hornydrifter]

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! read all in one day!!! FUNNY AS HELLL!!! HHAHAHAHA!!

 

[melody]

Debbie went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside
of her.

"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to
perform a very long and delicate operation."

"I don't think I can afford that" said Debbie. "Could you just replace
the batteries?"

o0o0o0o0o0

He: I'm tired, I'm drunk, and I'm horny. What do you say?
She: Get some sleep, get sober, and get a grip.

o0o0o0o0o0

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering
from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

o0o0o0o0o0

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.

 

[melody]

The First Time

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time

we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern

where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do

it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this,

and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two

old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so

there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by

walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their

way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his

trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman

has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both

collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that

he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple

struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to

ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something

else! You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of

secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!

@@@

A man comes home from work one day to find his girlfriend at the front with her bags packed and ready to leave.

The man asks, "why are you leaving?"

She replies "word around the neighborhood is that your a pedophile."

He answers "That's a pretty big word for a six year old.

 

[melody]

Pick Up lines

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed
bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas,
could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount
you or eat you!

12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and
I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in
those pants"

17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.

21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous
curves ahead, yield?

22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into
this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you
blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking
to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be
coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat
me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

 

[melody]

"This Is Your Captain..."

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our
final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today
and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his
conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well,
skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take
a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge
chest out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her
back to my room and make love to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and
down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile
the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so
embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn
the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's
bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta
take a crap first."

@@@

Father Christmas was in the Grotto, when after days of young children
filing past, he was confronted by a lovely looking eighteen year old
girl.
She sits herself down on Santa's knee and he asks her what she wants
for Christmas. She says, "Well Santa, I've got no pubic hairs on my
pussy,and I wondered if you could get me some for Christmas?"

Santa replies, "Well I don't know, if I can get you Pubic hairs on
your Pussy, will white whiskers do?"

@@@

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date
were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr.
Right'," he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just
waiting for Mr. Big."

 

[melody]

Ultimate Rejection Lines

... I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild
dogs.

... I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the
back of his head caves in!

... I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.

... I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of
alcohol.

... I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.

... I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while
being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

... I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my
rectum.

... I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a
forest fire.

... I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

... I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

... I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle...
in the nude.

... I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis
...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

... I would rather dry fuck a polar bear...in a phone booth.

... I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back
...and then find out it's the wrong one.

... I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed
hemorrhoids.

... Life is like a dick ... When it gets hard ... Screw it!

... I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the
NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5
pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

... I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter
...and not a twist off either.

... I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer
...and then wear wool socks...in August.

... I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just
finished taking a shit.

... I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull
barber's razor...and no water or soap.

... I'd rather French kiss a barracuda.

... I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short
stick.

... I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake... in a gunnysack.

 

[melody]

A man walks into a whorehouse late one night. He wants to get
a good-looking whore, but they're all occupied right now. He
ends up with the most God-awful-looking, old, saggy bitch, and
he was so disgusted, all he could do was shit in her face.
To his surprise, he enjoyed this a lot. This became a nightly
affair for him, as he would ask for the old whore and shit in
her face.
Unfortunately, after a couple weeks, the thrill wore off, so the
next time he went in, he asked for a pretty girl and fucked her.
As he was leaving, the old whore ran up to him, fell at his feet
and said, "What's the matter, don't you love me anymore?"

YYYYY

At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by
herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was
frigging herself furiously.
He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy. When he
tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her
go back to work on herself with both hands.
Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.
You were great," she said,
but these crabs are still itching!"

YYYYY

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

 

[melody]

Blonde Moments

One night a man walked into a bar with an alligator.

He stood up on the counter and announced "If i stick my cock and balls into this gators mouth, let the gator shut his jaws and pull them out without a scratch on 'em you'll all buy me a drink."

The crowed looked up at the man and nodded with glee.

So the man whipped out his cock and balls and stuck them in the gators mouth then shut the gators jaws.

A few moments later he hit it on the head with a beer bottle and the gators mouth flung open, he pulled his genitalia out without a scratch.

As he was collecting his first free drink he looked to the crowed and asked if anybody would like to try.

A hush blew over the crowed.

All of a sudden a hand shot up in the back." I would said the blond lady if you promise not to hit me in the head with a beer bottle.

@@@

Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was

Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick`em, stick`em, and send`em on their way

Q: Why don't blonds breast feed their babies?
A: It hurts too much when they boil their nipples

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.

Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

Q: What do you get when a six foot blonde bends over?
A: A three foot brunette

@@@

This one blonde decided to commit suicide.
So, she thought being hit by a train is not that
bad. She lay with her legs spread over the railway line.
The next day in the paper, it read,
Train disappeared, reward offered"

@@@

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

@@@

Blonde Inventions

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

 

[melody]

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a divorce.

The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.

My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."

"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"

"No," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."

=====

Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.

After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, "hey, how is it going down there?"

The cannibal at the bottom says "this is great, I'm having a ball.

The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, you're eating too damn fast."

=====

Little Jonny asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied by his mother

Little Jonny answered " The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

=====

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"

=====

A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything.

A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread."

Then his daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my U-know-what."

The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mama was here she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"

 

[melody]

First Date

Little Johnny had a first date lined up with a
woman he had been
after for quite a while. When she finally consented
to go out with
him, he wanted to plan the most romantic evening
he could.

He picked her up at her apartment, and then drove
out to the beach.
Little Johnny had prepared very carefully for
this date and brought
out a blanket for them to sit upon the sand and a
bottle of the
finest wine. The moonlight was shining down on
them and Little Johnny
poured his date some wine. He handed her the
glass, looked lovingly
in to her eyes and said,

"Now this is what I call romantic. The waves
crashing on the shore,
the moonlight in your eyes, a warm tropical
breeze, a bottle of
wine.....," he takes a sip of wine and says,
"Oh and by the way...do
you Spit or Swallow?

@@@

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when
the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,
and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K. Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get warm"?

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

He says, "Just hold its little nose".

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him
with, died at the scene.

 

[melody]

Paul says ...

My dick is hard and my balls are a smok'in,
I needed some pussy and I'm not jok'in!~!


As long as I have a face you'll always have a place to sit.~!


When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose ...
it's how drunk you get.


One drink is my limit
Two at the very most
Three ... I'm under the table
Four ... I'm under the host!~!


It ain't the drinkin' that causes hangovers, it's the wakin' up!


To alcohol!
The cause of ... and solution to ... all of life's problems!


Hey ... Do you know the difference between Sugar and Sweet and Low???
Sugar is on the lips and Sweet and Low is where my crotch is!~!~!


Paul's Definition of Utter Frustration ...
That's when you walk into a wall with a hard on and your nose hits first!


Documentation is like sex ...
When it is good, it is VERY good;
and when it's bad, it's still better than nothing at all.


An Opinion from a Southern Gentleman ...
Here's to Fire!~!~!~!
Not that it burns down Shanty's.
But ... when it ignites,
It pulls down panties!~!~!~!


The True Southern Gentleman says ...
Yankee's are like hemorrhoids,
If they come down and go back up, they're fine.
But if they come down and stay ...
they're a fucking pain in the ass.


Paul says ...
Here's to the girl with blue shoes
She likes whiskey, she likes booze
She lost her cherry, but ain't no sin
She still has the box the cherry came in.


Sleep with me once -- thank me forever.


If you're not into oral sex, keep your fucking mouth shut!


The only difference between sex for money and sex for free
is that sex for money costs a lot less!


Find em' hot, leave em' wet!~!


Fighting for peace is like fuckin' for virginity.


And the truest thing Paul has to say ...
It ain't easy being me, but it sure is fun!

 

[ashween]

Alchohol warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your friends are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your trousers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more attractive, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Franz.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

 

[melody]

One Liners

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.

I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

He who hesitates is boss.

As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never

 

[melody]

Warped Advice Columns

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- And it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

~~~

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

~~~

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

~~~

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

~~~

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

~~~

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, cooking him a nice meal and not mentioning his behaviour.

~~~

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -- he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, cooking a nice meal and not mentioning this behaviour.

~~~

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.