JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Pooping Definitions
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with 'ESCAPEE')
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the 'WALK OF SHAME'.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of 'OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS' and identify 'SAFE HAVENS'.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a 'CAMO-COUGH' with an 'ASTAIRE'.

FLY-BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a 'FREQUENT FLYER'. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a 'CRACK WHORE' include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a 'CRACK WHORE' can become a SAFEHAVEN.

 

[melody]

Things You Wish You Could Say With A Hallmark Card


* " Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking "
* " Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife. "
* " How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby. "
* "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind. "
* " I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you. "
* "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. "
* " If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
* "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy... "
* " Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again. "
* " Someday I hope to get married, but not to you. "
* " Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Life like!"
* " When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise. "
* " I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys. "
* " We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits. "
* " I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
* " Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? "
* " You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. "
* " Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday so we're having you put to sleep."

 

[melody]

Question and Answer:

Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex
life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat
anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q. What's the only animal with an ass hole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.

Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half
mast?
A. They're hiring.

Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love
handles removed?
A. Yeah...now he has no ears.

Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

Q. How do you do a fat chick?
A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.

&&&&&

A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are ass holes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back, "Hey! I resent that."

The first guy asked, "Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy responded, "No, I'm an ass hole."

&&&&&

If I live to be 100, I'll never understand
women. You ask your wife to eat one little
scoop of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream
out of your ass and suddenly you're a pervert!

&&&&&

My big idea: "Best Before" dates for hookers.
I, for one, am sick and tired of paying full
price only to find out she tastes kinda gamey.

 

[melody]

The London Underground

If you are a regular traveler on the London Underground, here are some
facts which you are going to wish you hadn't read.

During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the Department of
Forensics at University College London removed a row of passenger seats
from a Central Line tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness. Despite
London Underground's claim that the interior of their trains are cleaned
on a regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries. The
analysis was broken down. This is what was found on the surface of the seats:

4 types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)
7 types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)
vomit originating from at least 9 separate people
human urine originating from at least 4 separate people
human excrement
rodent excrement
human semen

When the seats were taken apart, they found:
the remains of 6 mice
the remains of 2 large rats
1 previously unheard of fungus

It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests, you are
transferring to your body, the natural oils and sweat from as many as
400 different people.

It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes
a day than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground.

It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently
flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a London
Underground seat before eating.

It is estimated that, within London, more work sick-days are taken
because of bugs picked up whilst traveling on the London Underground
than for any other reason (including alcohol).

@@@@@@@

A man takes a girl in his car and stops seven miles out of town, and
says he wants to fuck her. She refuses, and walks back.

The second night he takes her twelve miles out of town and tells her he
really wants to fuck her bad. She still refuses and walks back.

The third night he takes her thirty miles away and lo and behold, she
gives in.

Afterwards, he asks her why she finally gave in. She shrugged and said
I'll walk seven miles, even twelve miles, to save a friend of mine from
a case of herpes but thirty miles NO WAY !!!!

 

[melody]

A Dark Blue Suit

This woman goes into a funeral home to make
arrangements for her husband's funeral.
She tells the director that she wants her husband to
be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him
in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives
him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the
wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is
wearing a beautiful blue suit.
She tells the director how much she loves the suit and
asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything.
The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left,
another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit.
I noticed that they were about the same size,
and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
husband were buried in a black suit.
She said that was fine with her.
So... I switched the heads"

@@@@@@

Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.

Q. What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit.

Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table has no balls.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.

Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than
anything else?
A. Nice dick!

 

[melody]

This guy goes for a shit and it just keeps going. He's
shitting for 3 hours straight. It just won't stop. He's
constantly flushing the toilet. Finally he gets to the point
where, he actually shits his brains right out. He has no
brains at this point. He's finally done, he wipes his arse and
for the first time in his life he puts the seat down.

+++++++++++

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at
the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and stuck two fingers
directly in her vagina. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He
immediately
apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look
exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable motherfucker!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

+++++++++++

A guy goes to see this hooker who is said to have the world's biggest
pussy. He starts fucking her but she's WAY too big and he's getting
no satisfaction, so he slides his whole body inside her and tries
to get off, but he falls in. He's groping around in the dark and he
lights his lighter and starts walking around. After a while he
drops the lighter by accident and starts crawling around looking for
it. He bumps into another guy. "Hey" he says, "You're lost in
here too, eh? Listen, if we can find my lighter, we can walk out
of here." "Hell," says the other guy, "If we find my car we can
*drive* out of here!"

+++++++++++

Q: What's worse than silicone tits?
A: A cardboard box.

Q: What's the difference between a terrorist and a wife?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What do you Call a period?
A: A waste of fucking time.

Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: Jock itch.
Q: What's the definition of a fart?
A: A turd honking for the right-of-way.

+++++++++++

A little girl asks her father, "where do little girls come from?"
The father says, "they come from a hard-on."
The little girl then asks her father, "where does a hard-on come from?"
The father says, "little girls!"

 

[melody]

"Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife's Pregnant"

I finished the Oreos.

Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a
baby!

I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!

Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.

Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit
from that Richard Simmons fella.

Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's
gotta hurt.

Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

Get your *own* ice cream.

Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.

Got milk ?

Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?

Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...

Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!

You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
==============
Then here was this harlot of Crete
She decided to be very neat.
She said, "I'm too high class
To ream common ass,
And I'll wash every prick that I eat."
==============
A little old lady sat down next to a man in church who was praying
devoutly.

As he sat back in his pew, he burst into tears and continued to sob.

The little old lady said to the man,

"I'm so sorry. Did you lose somebody close to you ?"

"No" he said. "I just sat on my balls."

 

[melody]

A man is finishing a physical exam and his family doctor asks:

"Everything looks okay; is there anything else you can think of?"

"Well, yes, I'd like a birth control prescription for my daughter."

"Your daughter? Why, she's only 12...you don't mean she's sexually active?"

"Nah...she just lies there like her mother."

@@@@@

What did George Washington and Thomas Jefferson have in common?
They were the last two white people to have those names.

Q: Why do women enjoy giving blow jobs?
A: They know it's about the only time that they can get anything
straight in their heads.

Q: Why do women have foreheads?
A: So we have a place to kiss them after we come in their mouths.

Q: How is a woman like a hurricane?
A: When they come, they're loud and wet, and when they leave,
they take your house and car.

Q. Why do men fart louder than woman?
A. Woman can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure.

Q: How do you give a woman freedom of speech?
A: Take your cock out of her mouth.

@@@@@

Three fags are sitting in a hot tub sipping cocktails after just having
hot passionate sex. All of a sudden a large wad of semen floats to the
top of the Hot Tub, When one of the guys looks at the others and says,
"Alright fellas Who FARTED"

 

[melody]

Testimonials:

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the

Words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the

Testimonials Of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and

asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I

Turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't

say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was

unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for

several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen

who Works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,

I looked At him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the

boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm

just Looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The

boy grinned, And I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my

Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her

after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I

told Her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be

punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as

threatening,"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that

I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening

after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were

doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my

daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind

me,were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My

three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was

on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in

between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I

smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old

daughter,and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to

go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said

"No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I

don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you

didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must

have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I

asked one more time, "Danny, did you Have an accident?" This time he

jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and

yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to

death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat

down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best

laugh they'd ever had!

 

[melody]

Proposing Marriage

Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should
consider carefully before proposing marriage.

* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square
thing?"
* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?
* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic
surgeon.
* Have you noticed her name tattoed on three or more local bikers?
* Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old
boyfriend's?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay
Packers?
* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?
* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of
Painful Delights?
_____

When to Accept a Proposal... Or Not
Women who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should
consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage.

* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could
help with his laundry?
* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local
adult bookstore?
* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island"
at least four times?
* Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot
of unruly nose hair?
* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own
stack of ketchup packets?
* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?
* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial
Strength?"
* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?

o0o0o0o0o0

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel.
When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping
as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned
to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in
years: I wonder how the girls are doing?"

o0o0o0o0o0

A frantic young bridegroom named Fowl
Scrutinized his bride's cunt with a scowl
And growled, "Wait a minute!
How can I plug in it,
Unless you first pull out that towel?"

 

[melody]

No Sex!

There was a wife that was sick and tired of her hubby not
giving her any sex and she thought of an idea... She would
put on her nightgown on backwards, so it would plunge low
in the front, and her hubby would see it and jump on her
bones.

So that night she put on the gown backward, and pranced in
front of her hubby, who was reading the paper. He looked up
and then continued back reading... She got so pissed, she
stomped her foot and said, "Don't you see anything
different?"

Hubby looked up and said, "Yes dear, you have you nightgown
on backwards."

She said, "'Wow, how did you know?"

Hubby said, "Because the shit stain is in the front now."
_________________________________

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen", she told him.

"That's a beautiful name", he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied. "I gave it to myself to reflect the things I like
most- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits", he replied.
_________________________________

A medical professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"
After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.
_________________________________

Q: What is the definition of Gross?
A1: Kissing your grandmother and she slips you the tongue.
A2: Biting into a hot dog and it has veins.
A3: When you throw your undies at the wall, and they stick.
A4: You're sitting on you grandfather's lap and he pop a boner.
A5: Your little brother has lost his scab collection and you're
eating his corn flakes.
A6: Finding a string in your bloody mary.

 

[melody]

Fart Your Guts Out

There's this old married couple that's happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage is caused by the husband's habit of farting nearly every morning when he wakes up. He farts so strong that he shakes the rafters and wakes his wife up with a start. The stench makes her eyes water as she chokes and gasps for air.
Nearly every morning she pleads with him to stop ripping one in the morning.
"Please, honey, see a doctor!" she exclaims every time. "It's not normal!"
"Oh, there's nothing wrong with me."
"I'm telling you, one of these days you're going to fart your guts out!"
"That's ridiculous."
Over and over again they have this same argument and she warns him time and time again that he's going to "fart his guts out" and he ignores her.
Then, one Thanksgiving morning the wife gets up early and goes downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixes pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she's taking out the turkey's innards, she gets a mischievous idea. She sneaks back upstairs with the turkey guts and tucks them into her sleeping husband's underwear, then tiptoes out of the room.
A little bit later she hears her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This is soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband runs to the upstairs bathroom. The wife cracks up laughing.
About twenty minutes later, her husband comes downstairs in his blood stained underpants, his face white as a sheet. "Honey," he says, "you were right. All those years you warned me and I wouldn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in!"

***************

Buckwheat and Darla are in school. The teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell "dumb"?
Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now, spell "stupid". Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says,"D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat says, "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."

 

[melody]

10 WAYS TO KNOW YOU'VE HAD WILD SEX

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 5.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bedsprings.
6. You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

====

Two elderly men were talking about Viagra. One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for."It's the greatest invention ever," he said. "It makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if you took two."
Did you hear about the side-effects of the Viagra pill for men? If you swallow it slowly, you'll get a stiff neck.
What do you get if you mix Viagra and Prozac? - A guy who is ready to go but doesn't really care where.
Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three I minute ride.

=======

Bill was the laziest SOB and he never did a lick of physical work in all
his life. One night he saw his wife carrying a heavy basket of laundry up
the basement stairs.

"Lynn", he shouted, "This has got to stop. For years you have been
carrying the clothing up the stairs in that big heavy basket. Enough!!
Today.not tomorrow, but today, you go in to town and get yourself a
smaller basket and make two trips."

=====

This women had a magic mirror from which anything you wanted you got,so one day she stood in front of the mirror and said I wish i had bigger breasts and it happened so then she ran down stairs to show her husband he was so amazed that he ran up stairs and stood in front of the mirror and said i wish my dick could touch the floor and his legs fell off !

 

[melody]

Truisms

* Behind every successful man, there is a great woman and behind every great woman, there is a smart guy staring at her butt.

* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

* Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.

* A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.

* Chess players mate better.

* Excuses are like asses: everyone has em and they all stink.

* Squirrel who runs up woman's leg do not find nuts.

* If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK.

* Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

* If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

* There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.

* The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night.

* I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed.

* Prostitution is a hole sale business.

* A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

* It is good for woman to meet man in park, but better for man to park meat in woman.

* What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

* Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

* Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

* I'm not attracted by a girl's mind ... But by what she doesn't mind.

* Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early kill people.

* Gettin' married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

* Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!

* Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's
troublesome.

* Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a
while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually
enjoying it.

* Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.

* Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law.

* Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

* Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does
milk.

* Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them!!

* You're not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing!

* Forgive your enemies but remember their names

 

[melody]

Who is Jack Schitt?

The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone
says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle
the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe
Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the
owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply
religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The
twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva
Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced.
Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous
name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a
cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva
Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and
consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the
world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa
Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you
can correct them.

@@@@

This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour
day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says,
"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful,
sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

@@@@

The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living."
Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail."
Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better."
The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."
She says, "I'm sorry to hear that.
But what did he do before he died?"
Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

 

[melody]

Cat Food

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she
suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for
my husband! He?ll be so pissed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted
lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the
supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with
the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror
as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You
can make this for me any day.?

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the
same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the
clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly
knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill
while he was licking his butt."

@@@

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt I'd fuck it!"

*****

There once was a man from Alsass
Who had balls made out of brass
He rubbed them together
In stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass!

*****

There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who got a funny feeling
So she laid on her back,
Spread open her crack,
And pissed all over the ceiling.

 

[melody]

TWO CHINAMEN--ONE CUM, NO CUM

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one
named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu.

For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.

One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and
spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu
came, too. This make both velly happy.

However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become
father but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum U Cum.

Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day
No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!

=============

Little Johnny was talking to a friend, complaining about his Mom.
He said "My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going
through her mental pause."

=============

Little Johnny was sentenced to go to jail. Knowing what goes on in jail,
he was nervous. Upon arriving he was put in a cell with a very big man.
The man asked Little Johnny, "Is this the first time for you?"

Little Johnny meekly replied, "Yes"

The man asked, "Well, do you want to be the husband or the wife?"

Thinking about it Little Johnny says "Why the husband of course."

So the man says with a smile, "Well then, git on over here and suck your
wife's dick!"

=============

My urologist told me all his patients were dicks.
My proctologist has a bunch of ass holes for patients.

^*^

Hear about the 2 gay Irish Lovers?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick FitzGerald

^*^

Then there was the poor girl who found out that the guy she'd married
was gay.
On her wedding night she didn't know which way to turn!

^*^

What do you get when you cross a penis with an oriental?
A cock-ASIAN

 

[melody]

There Is A Lesson To Be Learned Here......

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things
that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He
got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He
looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly,
useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving
his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could
do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."

33333

"Rosey," Too asked her dear friend, "what would you do
if you caught your husband with another woman?"

"Another woman with *my* husband?" Rosey pondered.
"Let's see. I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog,
and call a cab to take her back to the
institution she escaped from."

33333

The shapely woman was in the gynecological stirrups, and her doctor was in the middle of his examination when he suddenly stopped and said brusquely, "Look, madam, I'm a happily married man ... so would you please stop squeezing my hand?"

 

[melody]

Naughty

There once was a man named Ron Rice
Whose privates were ravaged by lice
He scrubbed and he scratched,
But still more were hatched
If you've had it, you know it ain't nice.
==================================
There was a man from Cuba
Who stuck his dick in a tuba
His newly wed bride
Blew on the other side
And his dick flew off to Aruba
==================================
There once was a young girl named Charlotte
Who made extra cash as a harlot
She screwed a producer
Who tried to seduce her
And now she's a Hollywood Starlet!
==================================
I once met a beautiful Persian
A shy one who needed coercion
So I gave her a smile
And she thought for a while
Then allowed me to make an insertion.
==================================
There was a young spaceman from Venus
Who had a prodigious penis
Cried his girlfriend alas
It just came out my ass
And there is still 15 inches between us.
==================================
There once was a girl called Heather
whose fanny was lined with leather
she attracted the boys
by making a noise
flapping the edges together!!
==================================
A horny young blond from Vancouver
Liposuctioned herself with a hoover
Despite the seduction
Achieved by the suction
Was generally thought to improve 'er
==================================
In Las Vegas a maiden named Carol
Was arrested for wearing a barrel.
She'd not drawn the joker
While playing strip poker
And lost all her other apparel.
==================================
There once was a man named Bill
Who had a loyal wife named Hill
He played harmonica
Made love to Monica
And now he's in for the kill!

 

[mingz]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.