JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Top Ten Things Men Would Do If They Woke Up And Had A Vagina For A Day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if he could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross his legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men did when they woke up with a vagina...Finally find that damned spot.

 

[melody]

Holemak Cards : What Hallmark Doesn't Print!

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look
at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked
at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's
a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But
don't fret about it, she moved in with me.

7. You totaled your car and can't remember why. Could it
have been, that whole case of Bud Dry?

o0o0o0o0o0

The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has syphilis." The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?" The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."

 

[melody]

Blonde Moments!

Blonde Go Ice-Fishing
This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

Beware the Trees
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

Lost in a Snowstorm
A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.

 

[melody]

Q's & A's
Q: What happened when the blonde tried to give her boyfriend a blow-job while he was driving?
A: They both fell off the motorcycle

Q: What do a blonde and a barn have in common?
A: They always have a cock in them

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Q:Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow her horn

Q: How do you tell if a bank robber is blonde?
A: She ties up the safe and blows the guard.

Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked down the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she had given her last blow job.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a redneck?
A: If she can chew tobacco and suck dick at the same time and still know which one to spit out.

Q: What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A: A blow job with handle bars.

Q: What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank!

 

[melody]

Plastered To the Gills

A husband is in the habit of coming home plastered to the gills each
night and each night he throws up in the bathroom sink.
His wife warns him each time, that one of these days, he will puke his
guts out. He of course pays no attention. The wife is so disgusted with
his behavior, that she decides to play a little joke on him.

While her husband is out drinking one night, she searches the highways
for roadkill. She places a bunch of dead animal guts in the bathroom
sink and waits for the return of her inebriated husband.
He comes home, drunk as usual, and as usual pukes in the bathroom sink.

He comes to bed but is more quiet than normal. She asks him if anything
is wrong. He says, "Honey, you were right. It finally happened.
I puked my guts out in the sink."
She can barely contain her laugther at this point.
He continues on to say, "But with the help of the good Lord and a
spoon, I got em all back in!"

55555

A little old, blue haired lady shakily walks into a porno shop. She
can barely get to the counter because she's so wobbly. But she finally
makes it.

She asks the clerk in a shaky voice, "Do you have di-ildos?"

The clerk replies, "Why, yes we do."

The little old lady then asks, "Do yo-u ha-ve one abo-ut 6 in-ches long
a-nd about 2 in-ches thick?"

The clerk politely replies. "Yes, ma'am."

"Does it ru-n on 2 AA batter-ies?" She shakily asks.

He nods, "Yes."

"Do yo-u know ho-w to tu-rn the damn thi-ng o-ff?"

55555

This young couple had only been married for one night when the bride
went to the doctor to say this is my first day of marriage and there is
something that bothers me.
Doctor: What is it ?.....
Bride: Well, during sex I feel his dick touches my kidneys.
Doctor: Just send in your groom and I will cut a couple of inches and
hopefully it will not reach your kidneys.
Bride : No, I want you to remove my Kidneys instead, she answered.

55555

A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out
and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer. "I want to be
hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," the genie replied.
So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat.

 

[melody]

On the breast of a girl named Gail
was tattooed the price of her tail.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
***
There once was a man name Homer
Who had a kidney stone stuck in his boner.
He did scream and shout
When they yanked that sucker out.
And his piss shot all the way to Tacoma!
***
There once was a boy named Mark
Who liked to have sexual fun in the dark
One day his dad walked through the door
And Mark's vibrator fell to the floor
So now Mark vibrates his ass in the park.
***
There once was a man named Bob,
Who wanted an ass for his knob.
He bought an old whore,
Entered the backdoor.
He wishes she wiped, that slob.
***
There was a young man from Mauritius,
who said his last fuck was delicious,
but the next time I come,
It'll be up your bum,
'cause that scab on your cunt looks suspicious.
***
A prostitute's nursery rhyme:
One two lets screw,
Three four I'm a whore,
Five six suck the dick,
Seven eight ejaculate,
Nine ten fuck me again.
***
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater,
knew a chick, but wouldn't eat her.
Met her brother, one fine day.
He sucked his cock, and now he's gay!!!
***
There once was a priest from Bings,
whose mind was on heavenly things.
But his earthly desire
was a boy on the choir
whose ass shook like Jello on springs.
***
Casanova, as minstrels have sung,
Was arrested and never got sprung.
But how could they say,
"He just withered away,"
When we all know he must have been hung.
***
A horny young lady named Lil
Fucked a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
***
There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one"
She said, "Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one."
***
There was a young maid from Belfast
Who had trouble getting it past
The warts and the scabs
That she got from the lads
Who wiped their tools on her arse.
***
A fair maid from Cairo called Nur
Was thought incredibly pure
Till we saw her great stunt
To ram up her cunt
A ton and a half of manure.
***
A dwarf on vacation in Crete
Said "I am terribly anxious to meet
A young lady of leisure
Who'd allow me to pleasure
The hairs on her twat with my feet."

 

[melody]

Squating For Dough

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake
biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy
after all these years of marriage?" The mother promptly throws a wad of
biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down,
picking the dough up with her Suzy. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll
guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life,"
said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding
night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged
wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened
the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted
over the dough. Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very
unexpected episode of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound. Her
husband startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong
honey?" she asked. He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further
away.
"If that thing growls like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't
want to tease it with meat!"

 

[melody]

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up
to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night. "You folks

must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting," said the old lady. "It was revolting," her husband added.

"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.

"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady
replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Bumper Stickers:

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

Practice Safe Sex; Go Screw Yourself.

If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

[melody]

125 Things NOT To Say During Sex
(Part 3)

85.. I like your tits.
86.. Suck my
dick, bitch.
87.. How much do I owe you?
88.. How come we each have a
penis?
89.. Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill
me!
90.. Your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
91.. Just use your
finger, it's bigger.
92.. Does your family have to watch?
93.. We'll try
again later when you can satisfy me too.
94.. Get off me, I'll do it
myself!
95.. Can you hold this sandwich for me?
96.. You're as soft as
a sheep, inside and out.
97.. The only reason I'm doing this is because
I'm drunk.
98.. My mom taught me this...
99.. How cute... peach fuzz!
100.. Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
101.. Should I ask why
you're bleeding?
102.. This is my pet rat, Larry...
103.. If you can't
do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104.. I haven't had this much sex
since I was a hooker!
105.. I was once a woman...
106.. Wanna see me
take out my glass eye?
107.. No, I don't love your mind, I can't grab
that!
108.. Is it o.k. if I tell my friends about this?
109.. I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110.. You wanted me to use a
condom?
111.. You're no better than my brother!
112.. Mooooo!
113.. Fire
in the hole!
114.. I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115.. Hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116.. O.k. start... Oh! that feels
so... You're done?!
117.. You ever see Basic Instinct?
118.. I'm out of
condoms, can I use a sock?
119.. Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120.. Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121.. You got boogies
showing.
122.. (Start reciting the 10 commandments)
123.. I think I just
shit on your bed.
124.. Of course I don't love you.
125.. Let me spell
it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

 

[melody]

The Worst Day Of My Entire Life

For more than an hour, a man sat at a bar staring into his glass.
Suddenly a burly truck driver sat down next to him, grabbed the guy's
drink and gulped it down.

The poor fellow burst into tears. "Oh, come on, pal," the truckie said.

"I was just joking. Here I'll buy you another one."

"No, that's not it," the man blubbered. "This has been the worst day of
my entire life. This morning I was late for work and ended up getting
fired.
when I left the office I found my car had been stolen, so I had to walk
ten kilometers home.Then I walked in and found my wife with another
man, so I came here. And just when I'm about to end it all, You show up
and drink my fucking Poison."



The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and
her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,
"Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is exposed."
"Oh. my God", says the blonde.
"I left the baby on the bus!"



A rich man and a poor man were sitting in a bar late one night. They were talking about different things and then the poor man asked the rich man what he bought his wife for her birthday. "I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring," says the rich man.
The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, "Why the hell did you get her both?"
The rich man replied, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it. So...What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?"
The poor man said, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items.
The poor man replied, "Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go f*ck herself!"

 

[melody]

His And Her Farts

Attention women:
until your farts start smelling like cinnamon buns,
quit bitching. I'm tired of women bitching when guys fart.

Farting
around a woman is like listening to a radio permanently stuck on the
wailing bitch station:
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FARTED."

Yeah it's real hard
to believe that guys have the ability to let out air from their colons,
call Ripley.

Women shriek non-stop about how bad guys stink when they
fart, then they act like they fart sunshine and kittens from their
assholes when they rip one.

Women farts smell like old men: Not only is
the elusive potpourri poop-chute a myth, a woman's fart is embarrassing
whereas a guy's fart is something to behold, like a fine wine you swish
in your mouth and spit out to savor the flavors.

A real fart is beefy,
has a density greater than or equal to the air surrounding it, consists
of the unmistakable scent of broccoli, and usually requires wiping
afterwards.

When a woman farts, it can best be described as "efficient."
The sound is a modest toot; a minimalistic, almost innocent sounding
release. A true testament to the jumbled bundle of neurons that goes
into mapping every woman's brain to her asshole.
The efficiency comes
from the ratio of reek to weak (how bad her fart smells in proportion to
how weak-sounding it was).

The farting double-standard is bullshit.
Women giggle and put their hand up to their mouths, as if to say "oops!
I'm cute!"
No bitch, you're not cute. Your shit stinks. Either fart loud
and deny it, or don't fart at all.

Leave the farting to men, at least we
know how to get the job done.




The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge
bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she
suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he
willingly agreed.

The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker,
entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your
mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?"

"Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker. "Why don't you wiggle your
ass so I can feel it?"

 

[melody]

The Old Virgin Had An Itch

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her
crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, "You have
the crabs". She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs
because she was an eighty year old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained her problem to
him. The doctor said, "You probably have the crabs". "No" she said,
"I am an eighty year old virgin."
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, "Doctor can you
help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the
crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs."
The doctor said, Jump on the table and let's have a look."
"After examining the doctor proclaimed, "Ma'am, your
right, you do not have the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have
fruit flies."

********

Why do women get their bellybuttons pierced?
Where else would they hang the air freshener.

Did you hear about the blonde that gave the guy a blow job while he was
driving?
They both fell off the motorcycle

********

Little Johnny, a fifth grade student, has a penis so large his parents
warned him not to have anything to do with girls. They cautioned him he
could easily kill someone. Through the grapevine, his teacher learns
about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have
sex.

He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs
at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control,
and nothing bad can happen.

He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful
sensations, she faints from pure joy.

Thinking he's killed her, Little Johnny runs from the class room sobbing
and crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!" All at once he
stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on
his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. The dumb
bitch committed suicide!"

 

[melody]

The Wheelbarrow

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life
wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they
vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might
try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as
they got home.

"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions.
First if it hurts, you'll stop right away and second," she
insisted, "you must promise we won't go past my mother's."

HHHHH

My neighbor's foxy 20 year-old daughter is home from school and
I've been feeling a bit dirty for looking at her. She prances
around scantily clad chasing her dogs around the yard with
youthful exuberance -- I just can't take it! She should dress
more conservatively! She should stop dolling herself up!
She should stay inside!

Or maybe I should just put my binoculars away.

HHHHH

The 69 position is like driving in rush hour, the
asshole is always in front of you!

HHHHH

The Pussy Poem
This is a hole that never heals,
the more you rub it the better it feels.
But all the soap from here to hell,
can never remove that fucking smell.

HHHHH

The young lady knocked the doctor's office carrying an
infant.

"Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing.
Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this
week."

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the
lady's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the
bra and began to suck powerfully on one nipple.

"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is
losing weight, you haven't any milk!"

"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my
sister's!"

 

[melody]

'MAN OF THE HOUSE'

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know
that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And
when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my
hair?"

His wife replied, "The f*#!ing funeral director would be my guess?!"

33333

"In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was
too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the
other five per cent said they didn't care
- they would have married him anyway!!"

33333

Q: What's the definition of a belly button?
A: The place where a blonde puts her gum on the way down.

Q: How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?
A: Her parents accidentally left the plunger in the toilet.

Q: What's the difference between mono and herpes?
A: You get mono when you snatch a kiss.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace

Q: What's got 2 legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them

Q: What did the Jewish pedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?
A: "Hey, go easy on the candy!"

Q: Why do women have legs?
A: So they don't leave snail trails.

Q: Why does a necrophiliac wait six weeks before he fucks a stiff ?
A: Because then he can stick it in anywhere he likes.

Q: How does a gay guy fake an orgasm?
A: Stands behind his partner and throws warm yogurt on his back.

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
A: They're both looking for dead beaver.

Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.

Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia.

 

[melody]

Bar Jokes

These three guys are sitting in a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife.
The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the bartender telling them to get the hell out or shut up. In fact he says, "Why don't you all settle this once and for all and just visit each others houses and decide for yourselves."
Damn good idea they agree. They finish their drinks and make off for the first guy's house.
Upon arriving he bangs on the door and the wife answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two.
"Not so fast," said the second guy, "I got that beat!" And they go off to the second guy's house. He bangs on the door and his wife answers, the door opens and all three men step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet, but the third guy says, "Sorry, I have you both beat!"
They go to the third guy's house and they walk straight in, there is no sign of anybody about. He stomps his foot on the floor and they all hear this voice say, "Is that you honey?"
"Yeah, it's me!" he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks.
"Yes please!" he says.
"Should I put the bag over my head?" she asks.
He says, "No, I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!"

yyyyy

A drunk is sitting in a bar totally pissed. He asks the barman where the bathroom is. The bartender told him to go down the hall and make a right.
All of sudden, everybody in the bar hears a loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom.
A few minutes go by and again everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here pal? You are scaring all my customers away."
"I'm sorry," said the drunk, "but when I'm sitting on the toilet, every time I flush the toilet, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that the bartender opens the door and looks in and says, "No wonder, your sitting on the mop bucket you arsehole!"

yyyyy

Down at the pub a drunk was telling his drinking buddy, "I will never forget the first time I turned to drink as a substitute for women."
"Yeah, what happened?" said his friend.
"I got my dick stuck in the bottle neck!" he answered.

yyyyy

A guy walks into a bar and orders a double scotch. After the bartender hands him his drink, he pours it down in one gulp and says,"Give me another!"
The bartender says,"Hey pal, what are you celebrating?"
"My first head job!"
"All right!" says the barman, "This one is on the house!"
"Keep em coming," says the man, "I have just got to get this taste out of my mouth!"

yyyyy

Two mates are having a chat over a beer. "Do you like women with bad odor and bad breath?" the guy said to his friend.
"No way!" his friend replied.
"Well," says the first friend, "Do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?"
"Fuck, no way!" replied his friend.
"Well," says the first friend,"What the hell are you doing fucking my wife then?"

yyyyy

One day Jack went home after a night of drinking and after stumbling through the door his wife shouted, "What the fuck do you think you are doing coming home half drunk?"
"I'm shorry dahling," slurred Jack, "I ran out uv money, burp!"

 

[melody]

IF MEN WERE IN CHARGE OF WEDDINGS

1. There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" Party.
2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-off sand halter tops.
3. They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.
4. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.
5. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
6. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically,but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
7. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up'73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
8. People who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
9. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."
10. There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
11. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time break between innings.
12. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
13. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.
14. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
15. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet,free drink passes at the local lounge.
16. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel,and be form-fitted to her butt..
17. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
18. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
19. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral.
20. Invitations would read as follow... Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain ... He's getting married. He either:
A) couldn't get a different roommate, or
B) caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium. On the 50 Yard Line. At Half- time during Sunday's Game.

{{{{{

10 Signs the Economy Really Is That Bad.

> I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
> CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
> Hot wheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM cars
> McDonalds is selling the quarter-ouncer.
> People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
> The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
> People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
> Motel Six won't leave the light on.
> The Mafia is laying off judges.
> When bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds" you have to call the bank and ask if they meant you or them.

 

[melody]

Top New Names For Sexual Positions . . .

- The IRS position... where you just bend over and take it up the ass
with no lube.

- The Brainsqueeze... otherwise known as performing cunnilingus
correctly.

- The Humidor... (requires a cigar and an intern).

- The Butt Rut... (self explanatory but obligatory reference to ass
screwing).

- The Monday Night Football Colotial... (actually just doggie style done
facing the TV with the game on with her in the football jersey of your
favorite team).

- The Kentucky Derby... (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to
use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc
on the bed linens!

- The "Osama Bin Dover"... (valley vixen)

- The Bin Laden... Shoot your load, then run, duck, and hide.

- Oral Submarine... The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.

- The Bugs Bunny... It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs
pinned behind her head.

- The British telecom position... you get FUCKED by them and they never
call you back.

- The Grenade Position... I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

- The Enron Position... no matter what, you're getting it up the ass.

- Totally Screwed... the position you in when your spouse comes in
early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...

- The accountant double entry... (cumagain).

- And the #1 New Name for a Sexual Position:

The ever-famous...
"No, you gotta get your leg up higher...
no, not like that, like this...
NO it's got to be HIGHER than that.
No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...
NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE
COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna
do it anymore.
No, I won't give you head.
No, we can't try again...
Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator...
Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GOD!"

~~~~~~~~

The young lady at the confessional said, "Father, put it in my pussy!"

"No, child, the vulva is the sacred place whereby you deliver another
child of God," replied the Priest.

"Oh, Father, put it in my mouth then!" begged the young woman.

"No, child, the mouth is the sacred place whereby you eat the sacred
Host," said the Priest

"So put it under my armpit!" asked the young lady.

"No, child, the armpit is the sacred place where you carry the Holy
Bible," replied the Priest.

"OK, Father, then just take it out of my ass cause it hurts!"

 

[melody]

Why it sucks to be a cock:

** You've got a hole in your head.

** You get strangled all the time.

** Your head looks like a German helmet.

** You shrink in cold water.

** You never get a haircut.

** You always hang around with 2 nuts.

** Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

** Your best friend is a pussy.

** Your get scalped if you're Jewish.

** Whenever you get excited, you throw up.

o0o0o0o0o0

A married couple, Bill and Carol are at the beach sitting on a blanket.
A man in a bikini swimsuit walks by.
Bill ~ Want me to wear a Speedo?
Carol ~ No.
Bill ~ Why not? I've got nothin' to hide.
Carol ~ That's the problem.

 

[melody]

Poems for Pervs

She looked so fair, in the midnight air,
With the wind blowing up her nightie ...
Her tits hung loose, like the balls of a moose,
Holy Cow Almighty ...

The nipples on her tits were as big as my thumb,
The wiggle of her ass could make a dead man come,
She sucks like a vacuum, and she's real fucking dumb,
She's the girl for me!

o0o0o0o0o0

Sensuality

If I could, I would
Kneel naked in front of the mirror
With my legs spread wide open to the side.
If I could, I would
Stroke my clit.
If I could, I would
Let my lover watch.
If I could, I would
Tell him to approach me from behind
And use the dildo in my pussy,
Feeling his naked flesh and hard dick on my back.
If I could, I would
Stroke my clit -
Watch my lover push the dildo in & out of me
And ask my lover to fuck me in the ass.
If I could, I would
Not think it's all too kinky.
If I could, I would dare.

 

[melody]

Never Thought About It That Way....

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and
drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken
there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes
outta it's ass."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being
would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio
out of a freaking coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but don't point to their ass when they ask where
the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed considering where he sticks his head next?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme
crap, why didn't he just buy some freaking dinner?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . ... . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the
hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

Q: What did the dumb blond say to the large breasted waitress
after reading her name tag?
A: What did you name the other one!!

Q. Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed
to a regular one?
A. You have to hollow out the head.

Q. Why don´t blondes use vibrators?
A. Because it chips their teeth.

=====

There once was a man named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave,
she had only one tit,
and smelled worse than shit,
but think of the money Dave saved.

=====

There once was a man from Kubot
who lived off of toe jam and snot,
when he had none of these,
he lived off the cheese,
from the tip of his grungy old cock.