JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

More From The Fart List

THE BURNING BRAKES FART
A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually an adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes, and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.

THE CAR DOOR FART
Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.

THE CELESTIAL FART
Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare.

THE CHINESE FIRECRACKER FART
This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number, and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over, it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon.

THE CROWD FART
The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common.

THE DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART
This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found.

 

[melody]

They Are Keepers If You Hear Them Say...

She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .

* I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
* I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
* This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
* Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot.
* Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
* That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?
* I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.
* You're my daddy! You're my daddy!
* The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
* Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
* While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
* Bar food again!? Kick ass.
* I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl- friend has class.
* That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
* I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
* I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!
* Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
* I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
* It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
* Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Chuck's bare ass!
* My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
* I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
* Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
* You are so much smarter than my father.
* If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.



He's A Keeper If You Hear A Man Say...

* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
* Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!

 

[melody]

Hooked On Ebonics!

AFRO: I got so mad at my hoe, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH: I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to da field and smoke.

AXE: I done AXE you once now don't make me AXE you a'gin.

BEWARE: I asked da man at da unemployment office, "Do dis BEWARE I apply fa ah job?"

CATACOMB: Don King hair look stupid. Somebody ought'a give dat CATACOMB.

COATROOM: Da judge said, "One more outburst like dat, an you be thrown out da COATROOM.

CONTAGIOUS: It's gonna take dat contagious to wash all dem dishes.

COPULATE: I called 911 and an hour later when dey show up, I said COPULATE.

DECIDE: I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have Lakisha on DECIDE.

DIMENSION: I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION, I's hung like a horse too.

DEFEAT: Defeat of depig sho' be good pickled.

DEFENSE: De Sheriff woulda catched me but I jumped defense.

DEMAND: If you don't quit sellin' dem drugs DEMAND gonna get you.

DERANGE: DERANGE be where da deer and antelope play.

DATA: At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy."

DETAIL: Dat rat almost got away but ol' Blue catched him by DETAIL.

DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer tol' me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT day gonna send me back to da big house.

DISMAY: I went fo a blood test, da doctor pulled out a big needle. He said DISMAY hurt a little.

DOMINEERING: My hoe's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

FASCINATE: Dis hoe's titty's be so big, her shirt got ten buttons, but she can only FASCINATE.

FORECLOSE: If I pay alimony dis month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE .

FORTIFY: I axed da hoe how much for some? And she say FORTIFY.

HONOR: At da rape trial, de judge axed my buddy, who be HONOR first?

HOTEL: I gave dis ho da clap and da HOTEL everybody.

INCOME: I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife.

INDISCREET: I bought deez drugs here in de screet.

ISRAEL: I said, "Man dat Rolex look fake." He said, "No ISRAEL."

KENYA: I needed change fo da subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare a dime?

LOCKET: I slam da door so hard, I LOCKET.

MOBILE: I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said gimme one MOBILE.

ODYSSEY: I tellin' you Bro! You ODYSSEY da jugs on dis hoe!

OMELETTE: Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

PENIS: I went to da clinic and 'day handed me a cup and said PENIS.

PLANET: I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in da backyard.

RECTUM: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.

SELDOM: My cousin gave me two tickets to da Knicks game, so I SELDOM.

STAIN: My muda in law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.

STAIRWAY: When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

TRIPOLI: I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't fine no TRIPOLI.

UNDERMINE: Dare be a fine lookin' hoe livin' in da apartment UNDERMINE.

~~~~~~~

Ebonic Medical Dictionary

BARIUM. . . . . . . . .WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIES

URINE. . . . . . . . . .OPPOSITE OF "YOU'RE OUT"
VARICOSE. . . . . . . .NEAR BY
VEIN. . . . . . . . . .CONCEITED

RECTUM. . . . . . . . .DAMN NEAR KILLED 'EM

OUTPATIENT. . . . . . .A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED

PAP SMEAR. . . . . . .A FATHERHOOD TEST

NITRATES. . . . . . . .CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES

LABOR PAIN. . . . . . .GETTING HURT AT WORK

 

[melody]

There once was a girl from north shore
Who'd been fucked more times than a whore
Her cunt was so wet you could drive in a 'vette
With room left to open the door

@@@@@

Q. How did the john know how many times his favorite whore had gotten fucked that night?
A. He drank her douche and counted the lumps as they went down.

Q. What's the definition of gross?
A. Licking the sweat off your grandpa's back as you fuck him in the ass.

@@@@@

Three faggots die in a car accident. All three were cremated... after
the funeral their lovers were talking about what was to become of the
ashes.
The first fag said "well, my lover was a pilot, He just loved to fly, so I
am going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the air."
The next fag says, "my lover was a sailor, He just loved the water, I am
going to scatter his ashes in the ocean."
The final fag says, "well, my partner was a great lover, he just loved to
screw, I am going to mix his ashes into a pot of my Texas three alarm
chili so he can tear my ass up one more time."

@@@@@

Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one smells something foul. He turns to the other. "Hey man," he says, "did you shit yourself?"
"Yeah," says the second drunk.
"Well, why don't you go clean yourself up?"
"I ain't through yet.

@@@@@

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks:
"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

@@@@@

Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?
Yes Johnny I'll take you in a minute
Can Granny take me?
Why?
Her hand shakes.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want lemonade!
Shut up and lift my skirt!
"Mommy, mommy I hate sister's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!"
"Mommy, mommy can I lick the bowl?"
"No. Flush it!"

 

[melody]

More Confucius Says...

- Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

- Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

- Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

- Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.

- Man who run behind car get exhausted.

- A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

- Man is young when he snatches kisses,
old when he kisses snatches.

- Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house.

- Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.

- Sailor who get discharge from Navy leave buddies behind.

- Woman who sleep with judge get honorable discharge.

- Man have more hair on chest than woman,
but on whole woman have more.

- Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary.

- Man who lays woman on hill not on level.

- Seven day honeymoon make hole weak.

- Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

- Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

- Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

- Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.

- Man who fight with wife all day, get no peace at night.

- Virginity like balloon...one prick, all gone.

- Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

- Baseball all wrong...man with four balls can't walk.

- Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

- Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

 

[melody]

"25 Things Women Want To Hear In 2009"

1. Gee Sweetheart, let's skip dinner tonight.
The only thing I'm hungry for is you.

2. Wow, I just don't know what to do with
this money we won in the lottery, so why
don't you take it to the mall and see if you
can find something to buy with it.

3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to
spend the summer with us.

4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of
chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate
it's skinny women.

5. What luck, they had a special rental rate
at the video store on romance movies.

6. How about I give you a nice massage and
foot rub. I really don't like sex that much anyway.
(Huh?? - ^v^)

7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't
seem to have the brain power that I find so
attractive in a woman.

8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio
station.... tickets to either the super bowl or
the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first
choice so pack your bags for New York, we
get to go to the ballet!!!

9. Be careful Darling...don't let it go too far
down your throat.

10. Who wants to play golf when I can get
to see how good the lawn looks when it's
freshly mowed.

11. While your up Sweetheart, can you get
me a glass of water. I think I've had enough
beer.

12. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football
games. Let's go furniture shopping.

13. There ought to be a law against those
porno movies. Can you believe that there are
guys that would actually want their wives to
do those things
they show?

14. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than
getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.

15. I'm getting a little tired of steak on the
grill. How about a nice quiche?

16. You know, I think I'd really prefer the
four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.

17. Look at that... disgusting. Why would
she wear a short skirt like that with no panties?

18. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas
station to ask for directions.

19. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why
don't you use the money my parents gave us
to get something nice for the house.

20. If the guys call and want me to go to that
new strip club with them, tell them I'm busy. I
really want to get the living room painted tonight.

21. You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you
don't like doing all those dirty things they write
about in those stupid sex advice columns.

22. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys
for men who have never really grown up.

23. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over
there looking at the home decorating magazines.

24. You know, we really don't visit your relatives
enough.

25. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take
care of the cooking and housework.

 

[melody]

A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The Dad confused, asks him " before or after sex?"

The kid says "Ummm before sex"

So the dad says to him "Well have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red peddles."

"Yeah" says the son."

"Well what about after sex" he says to his dad.

His dad replies, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"

~~~~~~~~

As a couple were getting ready for bed, the husband coming from the
bathroom and jumps in bed, his wife whines "I have a headache"
he replies "Perfect!! I just powdered my dick in aspirin, you can take
it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you "

~~~~~~~~

Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor, on the back porch when Susie's mom popped in on them.

"You're gonna get a good lickin when daddy gets home" she said Susie replied, "Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."

~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
A. They both have little boys pants half off.

Q: What is the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A: The toilet won't follow you around for three months when you're finished using it.

Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and a pediatrician?
A: The pedophile really loves children.

Q: Why is a turd better than a woman?
A: Because after you lay a turd you don't have to hug and kiss it.

Q: What's the hardest part of a sex change operation?
A: Removing half the brain.

Q: Why did God give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

 

[melody]

A Problem With My Cock

Darrell walks into his doctor's office and the receptionist
gives him a form to fill out and asks him what his problem is.

Darrell replied, I've got something wrong with my cock."

"Please watch your language!" scolds the receptionist.
"There are women and children in the waiting room."

Darrell leaves the office, only to return a few minutes later
and said to the receptionist, "I've got a problem with my ear."

"Now that's much better," says the receptionist. "What
wrong with your ear?"

"I can't piss out of it!"

=====

Ya know, if guys had a period,
they'd probably brag about the size of their tampons...

=====

The Ideal Wife should be beautiful,
but not so beautiful that people think
you married her only for her beauty.
And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy,
but not so wealthy that people think
you married her only for her money.
And The Ideal Wife should be gentle,
but not so gentle that she can't
suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

=====

A blonde went to her doctor and said,
"You prescribed birth control pills for me."
"And how is it going?" he asked.
"Okay, I think, but I'd like to have them bigger."
The doctor was surprised. "You mean stronger?"
"No, bigger, please"
"But why BIGGER?"
"Because they keep falling out."

=====

Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles
of a supermarket crying his eyes out.

"What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy.

"I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy.

"Now tell me, what's mommy like?"

"Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks,"
sobbed Little Johnny.

 

[melody]

A Wife Is Horrified

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words... "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'

..."And so, here we are!"

~~~~~~~~

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts... "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my f#cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

~~~~~~~~

You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient.
"In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."
"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," gets out the blonde between sobs.
"I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

 

[melody]

Warped Advice Column

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- And it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

=========

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

=========

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

=========

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

=========

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

=========

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, cooking him a nice meal and not mentioning his behavior.

=========

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -- he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, cooking a nice meal and not mentioning this behavior.

=========

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

 

[melody]

A Redneck Farmer

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his
son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.

"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to
whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the
farmer found his son choking the chicken again.

"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young
gal!!"

"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired
sometimes!"

.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.

A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in
your ear?"

The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"

To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for
the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"

.:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:.

Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

----

There Once Was A Man From Nantucket
Whose Dick Was So Big He Could Suck It
He Said With A Grin
As He Wiped Off His Chin
If My Ear Was A Cunt I Would Fuck It
---
Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass
And now two of his teeth are missing.
----
Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts

Q: What do you call nuts on a chin?
A: Blowjob

Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.
----
I once had a girlfriend that was so skinny, every time her nipples got
hard she would tip over.

 

[melody]

Women's Rules For BJ's
(Archive Classic)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it

2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not
standard practice to come on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3- No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are not handles
6. Extension to rule #5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I
heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT
puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week"- get it
through your head- Im bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right
now.

9. Extension to #8- "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school
girls-if youre that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my
Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell
me I've just "wrecked" it for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be
repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about
the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're
good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow
jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to
"kiss it good morning".

~~~~~~~~

Q: Know where you can find sympathy?
A: In the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and
'syphilis'.

Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

 

[melody]

Fishing

A guy was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

"But that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

"Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

"Why would you marry someone with all those health problems?"

"She's got worms; and you know how I love to fish..."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~

Q: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A: Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~

REMEMBER...
A PEACH IS A PEACH,
A PLUM IS A PLUM,
A KISS AIN'T A KISS,
WITHOUT SOME TONGUE.
SO OPEN YOUR MOUTH,
AND CLOSE YOUR EYES---
AND GIVE YOUR TONGUE...
SOME EXERCISE!!!!!!!!!

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Oh god, I am so thirsty I could lick
the sweat of a cow's balls."

A gay guy sitting on the end of the bar says "moooo"!!

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~

Teacher: "Tell me a new word you learned during your vacation. Say the
word, and then repeat it in a sentence. Mary, can you start?"

Mary "Beautiful. My daddy bought me a beautiful new puppy"

Teacher: "Very good Mary, now Timmy:

Timmy: "Terrific. We went on a terrific holiday to the beach!"

Teacher: "Very good Timmy, now Johnny, did you learn a new word?"

Johnny: "Yes ma'am, the word is contagious."

Teacher: "Very good Little Johnny, now, can you put 'contagious' in a
sentence?"

Johnny: "Yes, miss. My Dad saw a lady painting a large barn by
Grandpa's. He said 'It'll take that cunt-ages to paint that.'

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~

You know how your Mommy used to kiss you good night?
Think about it . . . she might have just finished giving Daddy a blow job . . .
Yo' mama's so fat that after I fucked her I rolled over twice and I was still on the bitch.

 

[melody]

A Midget With A Speech Impediment

A guy calls a buddy, who is a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

The horse rancher asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

The midget goes there, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

He shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

A girl was telling her date about her old boyfriend, and while
doing so was stroking her beer bottle up and down many times.

Finally her date has had enough and says, "You're always thinking
about him. Why don't you think about me once in a while?"...

"OK!" she says and starts stroking the top two inches of her bottle.

 

[melody]

No Panties

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is
walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and
buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks
her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the
money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money,
the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her
shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest
coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the
priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says,
"Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"

-===(

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and
finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell
are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says, "Didn't I tell you what a
stupid shit he is."

-===(

Mrs. Speidell, who was a little on the chubby side,
was at her weight-watchers meeting . "My husband insists
I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a
woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next
to her.

"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"

"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

-===(

Young Jimmy was taking confession when he told the priest
that he was having impure thoughts about his sister.

"Is this a sin, Father" he asked.

The priest nodded and said, "Yes Jimmy, indeed it is a
sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

 

[melody]

Things Never To Say During Sex
( Part 1)

1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh dadda, dadda!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it) .
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can I have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, I want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33) you're so much like your sister....
34) your mom's cute.
35) what's your name again?
36) do I have to be here in the morning?
37) a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38) but you just started!!
39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40) don't touch that!!
41) can we order a pizza?

 

[melody]

54 Reasons To Prefer Sheep

1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
4. Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
5. Nuttin' beats mutton!
6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
7. Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.
8. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
9. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.
10. No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe.
11. Sheep are never concerned about their reputation.
12. Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up.
13. Sheep won't ask if you're gay, when you can't get it up for the second time.
14. Sheep never insist on eating out.
15. You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson.
16. Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late.
17. Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.
18. Sheep don't get moody once a month.
19. You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth.
20. A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay.
21. A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed.
22. A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon.
23. A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car.
24. A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains.
25. A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay
26. A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup.
27. A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy.
28. A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.
29. A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom.
30. A sheep will never sue you for palimony.
31. A sheep won't care if you screw her sister.
32. A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is.
33. A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing.
34. A sheep won't use your razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can.
35. Sheep never have a headache.
36. A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill.
37. A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom.
38. A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons.
39. Sheep grow their own fur coats.
40. A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football.
41. Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend.
42. A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning.
43. Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex.
44. A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up.
45. A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator.
46. A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style.
47. A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom.
48. Sheep are "ram tough".
49. A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, or open beer bottles with your teeth.
50. Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on.
51. Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning.
52. Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck.
53. A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake up the kids, you'll wake the neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it, or she's not drunk enough to enjoy it.
54. A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber.

 

[melody]

Rogers' Motorcycle

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.
He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."

Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.

As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."

When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.

They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops her right there on the dining room table.
Nobody says nothing.

He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.

He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.

Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."

~~~~~~~~

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks:

"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

~~~~~~~~

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.

"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.

"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

 

[melody]

THERE'S TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY:

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once
every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed
more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
_______

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.
on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing
the sheets. I I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what
I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I
was trying to breathe.

 

[melody]

"Do You Have Dildos?"

A little old, blue haired lady shakily walks into a porno shop. She
can
barely get to the counter because she's so wobbly. But she finally
makes it.

She asks the clerk in a shaky voice, "Do you have di-ildos?"

The clerk replies, "Why, yes we do."

The little old lady then asks, "Do yo-u ha-ve one abo-ut 6 in-ches long
a-nd about 2 in-ches thick?"

The clerk politely replies. "Yes, ma'am."

"Does it ru-n on 2 AA batter-ies?" She shakily asks.

He nods, "Yes."

"Do yo-u know ho-w to tu-rn the damn thi-ng o-ff?"

o0o0o0o0o0

This young couple had only been married for one night when the bride
went to the doctor to say this is my first day of marriage and there is
something that bothers me.
Doctor: What is it ?.....
Bride: Well, during sex I feel his dick touches my kidneys.
Doctor: Just send in your groom and I will cut a couple of inches and
hopefully it will not reach your kidneys.
Bride : No, I want you to remove my Kidneys instead, she answered.

o0o0o0o0o0

Why don't blondes like anal sex?
They don`t like their brains being screwed with.

o0o0o0o0o0

LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son
has a penis like a peanut!

MOM: You mean it's small?

LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!

o0o0o0o0o0

A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out
and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer. "I want to be
hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"As you wish," the genie replied.
So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat.

o0o0o0o0o0

Women are just like orange juice cartons. Its not the shape or the size
that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those fucking flaps to open!