JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Satisfaction

"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?"
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've
got to help me!"
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"
"I have! I still don't get enough."
"Take another lover."
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!"
"Gosh, that's an anomaly."
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me
I'm a whore!"
========
So, he got a crazy idea. "I will just dig up the wife and
see what's going on," he thought to himself. So, he did.
When he got her out of the ground, he saw that she was
only a little flaky around the edges, so he decided to do
her like a jackrabbit. Well, pretty soon, he noticed that
she was just lying there like a fish and was all cold and
clammy. Paul remarked: "Wow, she hasn't changed a bit!"
========
Q. What's the worst thing about growing unemployment?
A. It gets harder to fuck your girlfriend with her husband home.

Q. What's the similarity between a carton of milk and a woman?
A. They both need their flaps pushed back before you can get to the
good bits.
========
What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than
vaginal sex?
-It's warmer, tighter and it's degrading to the woman.

What's the definition of a nice old woman?
-Someone who takes her teeth out before she goes down on you!

How do you make love to an ugly woman?
-Have a wank into your hand, then throw it at her.
What is the difference between a homosexual and a Fag?
-A homosexual has a sexual preference for men. A fag is a
homosexual who annoys you enough that you want to beat the
shit out of him.

What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
-They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

What did one gerbil say to the other when they saw the faggot
swish into the pet store?
-"Don't panic! Just turn your back and act like a dog!"

Why did the faggot take two aspirin with his viagra?
-So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse.

 

[melody]

Duck Hunting

One Friday night a man tells his wife that he is going duck hunting
in the morning.

She says, "I want to go too."

He says, "NO... You are too hard to wake up."

She begged him, "Please, Please. I promise I will wake up early."
He says, "O.K. but if you wont get up, I'm going to screw you up
the ass or you are going to give me a blow job."

She said, "I've got nothing to worry about because I will wake up."

3:00am the next morning the alarm goes off. The man gets up and tries
to wake up his wife. She's still laying there and he tells her that
he is going to take a shower and when he gets out she'd better be up.
He gets out of the shower and she is still sleeping. He tells her he
is going to give her one more chance to wake up. He has to go out and
get their stuff and put the dogs in the truck and when he comes back
in she has to be awake or she has to pay up. He's out there about
30 minutes and when he comes back in his wife is snoring.

He is pissed. He wakes her up.

He said, "OK now what's it going to be? In the ass or a blow job?"

She said, "all right... I can't take in the ass so I will give you a
blow job."

He pulls out his cock and she starts sucking on it.

Then she begins to spit and spit. She says, "THAT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!"

He said, "Yeah, I know, the dogs didn't want to wake up either."

yyyyyyyy

A little boy and his mother were driving down the
road one day and the little boy saw 2 dogs "doing
it." He asked his mom what they were doing. She
answered, "They're making cake." Later on he
saw 2 cows "doing it" and he asked his mom
what they were doing. Again she answered,
"They're making cake." Later that night the little
boy saw his mom and dad "doing it" and the next
morning he said to his mom, "Mommy, last night I
saw you and daddy making cake and I licked the
icing off the bed."

yyyyyyyy

There was a young maid from Belfast
Who had trouble getting it past
The warts and the scabs
That she got from the lads
Who wiped their tools on her arse.

A dyke and a queer named Groom
Were planning their honeymoon
Groom said "My dear
It's not very clear
Who should do what to whom".

 

[melody]

Men Bashing

1. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.

2. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:
you've gotten sick of him.

3. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He
probably lies about other things too.

4. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked
her husband to do.

5. If you want a nice man, go for a bald one -- they try
harder.

6. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never
mature anyway.

7. There are only two four letter words that are offensive
to men -- don't and "stop" (but not used together).

8. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces
so you can tell them apart.

9. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,
you will usually find that he is.

10. Scientists have just discovered something that can do
the work of five men -- a woman.

11. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -
strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could
still use them!

12. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and
potentially violent but they make great pets!

13. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough
cells per man.

14. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're
someone else's.

~~~~~~~~

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

 

[melody]

Does Or Doesn't It Count?

Did you cheat on your partner? Sometimes it is so hard to make the
distinction between actually 'cheating' and just being friendly. Here
are some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This
list of rules can be very helpful to determine if you
have cheated on your partner.

*^* Oral sex does not count.

*^* If you can't remember the person's name the following day it doesn't
count.

*^* If you failed to call the person back to have more sex it doesn't
count.

*^* If neither of you achieved orgasm it doesn't count.

*^* Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share.

*^* If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for
this," it doesn't count.

*^* An old flame doesn't count.

*^* An ex-spouse doesn't count. Refer to this as a "pity fuck."

*^* Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not
sex.

*^* Cybersex - no way! This is glorified masturbation.

*^* Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex.

*^* Kissing is not cheating.

*^* An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex,
but only if you do not know their significant other.

*^* An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count.

*^* An act committed with a family member of your significant other,
doesn't count. This should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family
closet."

*^* Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it
was fun right?).

*^* Phone sex, doesn't count. Refer back to "glorified masturbation".

*^* In a car doesn't count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and
has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not
to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1.

*^* An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not
achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count.

*^* An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been
exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count.

*^* An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not
considered to be intimate).

*^* An act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count.

*^*An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count. This
should be referred to as "being neighborly."

*^* An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with
your significant other doesn't count.

*^* An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count. This
should be considered a "fuck friend."

*^* Sex does count if a pregnancy results!

 

[melody]

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover,
"Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Bruce's ass.
He feels all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass.
He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
_____

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day.
His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
_____

Boy says to his father: "Dad, can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?"
"I don't know. Are you any good?"
_____

A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home,and they start getting it on.
He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.
He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?" She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."
_____

A girl and a boy were at the back of the movie theater, kissing passionately.
When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."
The girl replies,"It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".

 

[melody]

****** vs Married

When you are ******..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times
When you are ******..... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
When you are ******..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public
When you are ******..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are ******..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are ******..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are ******..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are ******..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first
When you are ******..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are ******..... He knows what the "hamper" is
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
When you are ******..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are ******..... He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are ******..... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare
When you are ******..... He calls you by name
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

 

[melody]

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.
=====
Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
=====
Incest is wrong, relatively speaking.
=====
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really! Like a new-born baby!"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

 

[melody]

The Tramps

A bartender is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door.
When he answers, a tramp says: "can I have a toothpick?"
He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock.
When he answers, there is a second tramp who says: "can I have a toothpick?"
He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp. The bartender says,
"Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the tramp.
The landlord hands him a straw and says, "why do you want it?"
Says the tramp: "Some guy just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already."

=====

Your mama's so fat . . .
She pulled her panties down to her ankles and she still had cunt in them!

=====

A guy goes into a whorehouse and says: "What have you got for ten bucks?"
"Go upstairs to the attic," says the Madam, "there's a girl up there for you."
The man goes up to the attic. He can barely see a girl lying there in the darkness. He climbs on top of her and starts fucking. Then, to his disgust, he notices some kind of slimy gunk coming out of her mouth and nose.
The man runs downstairs and says: "I want my money back! That girl is sick or something! She's got something coming out of her nose and her mouth!"
"Oh, sir, I'm so sorry! Here's your money back," says the madam, handing the man his ten bucks. After he leaves, she calls over her assistant. "Listen," she says. "You'd better go to the morgue and steal another stiff. The one in the attic is full."

 

[melody]

There was an old girl from New Zealand
Who was put in jail for stealin'
She lay on her back, opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceilin'.

~~~~~~~~

There was a young girl from Nantucket
Who fell down the well in a bucket,
All the people gathered around
To see if she had drowned,
So she stuck up her ass
And said, "Suck it!!"

~~~~~~~~~

There was a young woman named Alice
who used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina in North Carolina
and part of her anus in Dallas.

~~~~~~~~~

There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly!

~~~~~~~~~~

Mirror mirror on the wall
whose the fairest of them all?
the mirror laughed and gave a grunt,
it sure ain't you, you ugly cunt

~~~~~~~~

There was a young man from Mauritius,
Who said his last fuck was delicious,
But the next time I come,
It'll be up your bum,
'Cause that scab on your cunt looks suspicious.

~~~~~~~~

There once was a man named Hyatt,
Who's sexual habits were a riot,
From horses to hens,
To mices and mens,
If it had a hole, he would try it.

~~~~~~~~

Beneath these rocks, lies Mary Cox,
To a thousand men she gave the pox,
She may be gone but not forgotten,
Her heart was good, but her box was rotten.

~~~~~~~~

There was a young lady named Gloria,
Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
She replied to the chap,
"I will draw you a map
Of where others have been before ya."

~~~~~~~~

A worried young man from Stamboul
Discover red spots on his tool.
Said the Doctor, a cynic
"Get out of my clinic
And wipe off the lipstick you fool!"

 

[melody]

A recent study showed that the kind of "male face" a
woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman
is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged,
masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more
prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.



Bad Nicknames for Her Vagina

Stinkhole

Cock Socket

Pink Taco

Bottomless Pit

Dead Clam

Cum Crack

Hatchet Wound

 

[melody]

Q ~ What's another name for a sex-change operation?
A ~ Artificial infemination

Q ~ What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
A ~ "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

Q ~ Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms?
A ~ They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman

Q ~ What's the definition of virginity?
A ~ A big issue over a little tissue

********

"Rosey," asked Paula thoughtfully one day,
"What would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband?"

"With Jeff?" Rosey thought it over.
"Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog,
and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."

 

[melody]

Poems for Pervs..

I gave you a kiss
You wanted some more
Get out of my face
You cheap sleazy whore

There can't be an end
When there is no beginning
Our story is read
In a one second sitting

A bag over my head
A bag over yours
I'll pull it out
You drop your drawers

And once I am finished
Get out of my sight
For like all the others
I was drunk that night

 

[melody]

Poker Spittoon

In a saloon in the old west, four tough, grizzled gunslinger types are playing poker.
"Tex" is having a bad run of luck, and is down to his last few dollars. Then, his luck suddenly changes -- he's dealt four of a kind! He can't lose! As the betting continues, though, he runs out of money. So he says: "boys, I'm out of money, but I'd like to stay in this hand. What do you say?"
The toughest man at the table, "Loco," says: "I'll tell you what. If you win, you keep your winnings. If you lose, you have to take a sip from the spittoon."
Tex looks at the spittoon sitting in the corner of the saloon. Cowboys have been spitting their tobacco juice into it for almost a week, and it is brim-full with slime. He looks back at his hand -- the hand of a lifetime. He gulps hard and says: "O.K."
The betting continues until only Tex and Loco are left in the game. Tex lays down his cards, and says "four of a kind." Smiling broadly, Loco lays down his cards: a straight flush. As Tex looks down at the cards with horror, Loco says: "Okay Tex,time to pay up."
Tex walks slowly over to the spittoon and reluctantly picks it up. He gazes down into the thick, brown, disgusting liquid. He takes a deep breath, puts his lips to it -- and begins drinking.
To the amazement of everyone in the saloon, he doesn't stop at one sip. He gulps, and gulps, and gulps for a full minute, until the spittoon is totally drained! There is an outcry throughout the saloon. Strong men are passing out around Tex from shock and disgust. A stunned silence settles in. Finally, one of the patrons speaks out: "Jesus, Tex -- you only had to take one sip -- why did you drink the whole thing?" Replies Tex: "It was all one strand!"

********

One day a woman who was born with no arms and no legs is wheeled out to the beach. While she's lying on her beach towel she notices an oil lamp that has been half buried in the sand beside her. She wriggles over to it and manages to rub her cheek on the lamp. A genie appears and he says "I am the genie of the lamp, you have released me and I grant you one wish."
The woman thinks about what she is going to wish for and she replies "I have no arms and no legs. I've never been fucked before, and I wish to get fucked!"
So the genie picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean and says "Now you're fucked!"

 

[melody]

A professor was taking in the scene at a popular L.A. nightspot when a
mini-skirted Valley Girl sashayed over to him and said,
"Like, I want you to totally screw my brains out."
"Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies."
_____

I love to suck a great big tit
inch by inch, bit by bit,
I love to see her big breasts bare
they make my cum fly through the air.

Oh goodness gracious what big boobs!
They make my cum spurt out in goobs!
Their great to lick and squeeze and suck
not to mention titty fuck!

They say that having such big boobs
are really just a waste
but it takes more than just a mouthful
to get the greatest taste!
_____

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.'
A little voice from the back of the room asked,
'How the fuck will that help?"
_____

A guy goes inside the confessional and says:

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What did you do, my son?"

"Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight, I saw two men having sex."

"Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight?
____

Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you friggin' twat!"
_____

Pulled this girl last night. She was kinda strange looking but after a few drinks we went back to her place. She was absolutely incredible. She unzipped my fly and got it out and started to do amazing things. I was in ecstasy, so I said to her, "You certainly know how to handle that." She replied, "I should, I used to have one."

 

[melody]

Scaling New Heights

Height of Unemployment
- Cobwebs in the pussy of a prostitute.

Height of Trouble
- A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass is itching.

Height of Technology
- Condom with a zip.

Height of Sophistication
- Sucking nipples with a straw.

Height of patience
- A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.

Height of Innocence
- A teenager girl applying ointment to her nipples.

Height of frustration
- A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

Height of Disgust
- While wiping after a good shit, your finger pokes through the paper.

Height of Competition
- A guy pissing beside a waterfall.

==========
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin and your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay and you are not. But you only have the one asshole.
Feel better?
==========
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork stuck in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I Tonto, Indian Genie. I grant-um one wish.' And I said, 'No shit.'"
==========
One hot, humid afternoon, a man sat in a reclining lawn chair, reading and sipping iced tea while his wife mowed the lawn.
The woman next door is outraged. "Aren't you ashamed, making your wife mow the lawn in this heat? You ought to be hung!"
"I am," replied the man with a smile. "That's why my wife is mowing the lawn!"
==========
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral sex from a 98 year old woman. They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
Don't look down

 

[melody]

A Blonde's Message

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"

The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"

"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door" She did.

He then said, "Get on your knees" She did.

Then he said, "Take down my zipper" She did.

He said, "Go ahead...take it out" She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"

The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO.....MOM, can you hear me???

*********

Bananas are better than Men because...

You don't mind swallowing a banana.

Bananas are always stiff.

Bananas don't know how to fart.

A bananas only purpose is to satisfy you.

No one cares if you have two bananas in bed with you at the same time.

Another woman will never try to steal your banana.

Bananas can last the whole night through.

Even the smallest bananas are at least eight inches long.

********


10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your
cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of
your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to
everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial
up every bumper sticker that says:
"How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation
to batting-practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he's a gay male.

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon
bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to
drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you
bought it yesterday.

 

[melody]

Things NOT To Say During Sex
(Part 2)

43.. Smile for the camera, honey!
44.. Take off that damn monkey glove!
45.. Get your hand out of there!
46.. I think the condom broke 10 minutes
ago.
47.. I knew you wore a padded bra!
48.. Cover me boys, I'm going in!
49.. DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50.. Fire one!
51.. God, that is small!
52.. Hold on, let me change the channel...
53.. Who smells like fish?
54.. Is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55.. Your best friend does it much better.
56.. Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57.. Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58.. You're fogging up the wind-shield.
59.. Can I borrow 5 bucks?
60.. What the hell noise was that?!
61.. Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62.. Shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63.. You know, you're not really attractive.
64.. I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65.. What, oh yeah, I love you too, now let me concentrate!
66.. Stop interrupting me!
67.. I have to take a shit.
68.. Did I leave the iron on?
69.. Your breath is funky.
70.. (Start singing Green Day)
71.. Is it o.k. if I call someone, it's o.k. though, keep going...
72.. It's ok honey, i can imagine that it's bigger.
73.. God I wish you were a real woman.
74.. Why can't you ever shave your legs?
75.. By the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog...
76.. Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna... shit.
77.. Your breast milk is like my mom's...
78.. You're hairy!
79.. Your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80.. Is it o.k. if I never see you again?
81.. Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82.. Don't make that face at me!
83.. All of a sudden I have a headache.
84.. You're boring.

 

[melody]

EXCERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE

1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with
his applicator.

2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage
Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your
throat.

3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and
lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.

4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile
and repeating: "mild discomfort."

5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM,
at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a
Craftsman
(squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

6. Remove all actual food from the house.

7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and
onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.

~* *~»§«~*~»

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home,
reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers,
and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness
of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she
could buy for a penny a piece.

Then the third old lady chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're
saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about"

~* *~»§«~*~»

Three guys went to a night club one night.
The first guy went in and a dancer put a doughnut on his dick and ate it
off. He went back outside really happy. The next guy went in and sure
enough the dancer put a doughnut on his dick and ate it off and he went
outside really happy.
The third guy went in and came out really sad. The other two guys asked
him what happened and Wolfy replied,
"They put a cheerio on mine!"

 

[melody]

LIL' SUZIE AND SEX

Lil' Suzie ran out to the yard where her father was working, and asked him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her startled father sat her down, and told her all about the birds and the bees. He told her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

He went on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thought, what the hell, and went on to tell her the works.

He covered a wide assortment of topics and by the time he'd finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. He paused for a second, then asked, "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."


CANDY BAD

Lil' Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Lil' Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No," replied Lil' Johnny, "he minded his own damned business!!"


BIG CLIMAX

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 pm, in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"

"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.

"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Volvos."

 

[melody]

A Lovely Young Thing

The playboy encountered a lovely young thing on one of his trips abroad
and decided to marry her. Blessing the fact that she was not only a
virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to
break her in right, and had her suck him off a number of times. The
next day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost
immediately.

"Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children,
and now I just know I never shall."

"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.

"Because." she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow
that dreadful stuff!"
~~~~~
Three more things that you should never say to
a woman during an argument:

1) You're just upset because your ass is
beginning to spread.
2) Looks like someone had an extra bowl of
bitch flakes this morning!
3) Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
~~~~~
There was a young fellow named Paul
Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
But the size of my prick
Is God's dirtiest trick,
For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
~~~~~
There was a debauched little wench
that nothing could ever make her flinch.
She admitted men's poles,
At all possible holes,
And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk off, and french.
~~~~~
"Good morning, ma'am, I've come to ask for collections, for the
Salvation Army," said the man in the bright red Santa suit to the woman
who opened the door wearing nothing but panties and a see-through
negligee.

"How do I know that?" the young woman replied. "How do I know you're
really with the Salvation Army? How do I know you aren't some sex
fiend
who has come to take advantage of a poor, defenseless female who's all
alone in her house ... and will be until 5:30pm this evening?"