JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Little Johnny

A newly wed couple was having sex in a hotel room on their honeymoon.
The new husband thought they were finished, and he took off his condom
and threw it out the window. His new wife yelled at him "What the hell
are you doing, we're not done yet!" She then told him to go get the
condom.

He put on a robe and went outside to get the condom. Just before he got
there Little Johnny had picked up the condom.

The new husband saw him and said "Hey kid! Give me back that thing!"

Little Johnny said, "No, I found it, it's mine!"

The man said, "I'll give you a dollar in exchange for it."

Little Johnny agreed and ran joyfully home waving the dollar bill he had
just received. He walked inside and showed his mom the bill.

She asked, "Where did you get the dollar?"

Little Johnny said "I found a twinkie on the street, and a man took it
back for a dollar. What he didn't know was that I already sucked out all
of the cream filling."

 

[melody]

Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
A. Its Braille for "suck here."
Q: Do you know how to reuse a condom?
A: Turn it inside out and wash the fuck out of it.
Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: She Gagged!

,,,,,

There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling
out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!"
Finally a store clerk approached.
"Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I
am calling my wife."
"Your wife is named "Crisco?"
"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the
supermarket."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"
"Lard ass."

 

[melody]

This Is Dedicated To All Women

This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
A must read!!!

Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club.

Although I am still in good shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead with it. I called the
club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce who identified himself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor AND model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it. When I arrived at the club to find Bruce waiting for me.

He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five mins. on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but
I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his class workout.
Very inspiring.. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce had me lay on my back and push a heavy iron bar in the air.
Then he put weights on it!! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! Its a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have hernias in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds,
he gets this nasally whine that is very annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Bruce put me on the Stairmonster. Why in the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half hr. late. It took me that long to tie my shoes. He wanted me to work out with dumbbells. When hewas not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.

Friday: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If there was any part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &@#$ barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I'm sure you learned in the sadist school you
attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi bastard). The treadmill
flung me > off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating
whining voice. It made me want to smash the machine!! However, I lack the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching 11 straight hrs. of the $#@% Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun, like aroot canal or a hysterectomy.

 

[melody]

The Gross Bathroom Disaster

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
break something.

The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're
going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a
short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He
gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A
diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what
she's seeing.

Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in
the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she
describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to
examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on
his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes
out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!

The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls,
etc. Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is
the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

 

[melody]

3 brunettes were walking in the forest when thay came along some tracks.
The first brunette said "Those are bear tracks" and the second brunette said "No you moron those are deer tracks" and the third brunette said "Don't be stupid, those are rabbit tracks"..... (*HONK HONK*) and then the train hit them.

~~~

There was a young man from Mauritius,
Who said 'That fuck was delicious'
But the next time I cum,
It will be up your bum,
Coz that scab on your cunt looks suspicious!!

 

[melody]

The Internet
What Is The Internet ? - A FAQ For Beginners

Q. What's a FAQ ?
A. This text is.. it means "Frequently Asked Questions"

Q. Oh, so it's not a dirty word then ?
A. No, - it just sounds a bit like one.

Q. So, What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,
business, and private computer systems.

Q. Who runs it?
A. A 12-year-old named Kevin.

Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the
popular commercial "on-line" services, such as AOL,
CompuServe, Netscape Online, BT Internet, etc, etc,
which will give you their program disks for free. Or,
if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak
in some night and install their programs on your
computer when you're sleeping. They are really
desperate for your business with them.

Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A.The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"
interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer
experience -- to provide the on-line services with the information they
need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill
forever.

Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.

Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.

Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us
have been trying for years to cancel our on-line
service accounts, but no matter what we do, the
charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of
entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anaesthetic, because it really hurts.

Q. No, I mean What if my children also use my Internet
account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal
organs over to the on-line service right now.

Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do
once I'm connected to an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things!
No end to the number of things you can do!

Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.

Q. Chat?
A. Chat.

Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of
people all over the entire globe, you can chat with
total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!

Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to
chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and
some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens,
Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who
Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless
Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain
anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as
"ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.

Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people
of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from
scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from
actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost
anybody on the Internet!

Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed
13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists,
singers, etc.

Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A.Most chat-area discussions revolve around the
fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the
chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topic
is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace,
every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed
13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women -- or to other
13-year-old boys. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee
can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (Do not
read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery.)


LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry

(LONGISH PAUSE)

UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L

(LONGISH PAUSE)

PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...

And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting
hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at
any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network
information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.

Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat
areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that?
A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy
messages to each other, back and forth, back and
forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster
and faster and hotter and harder and harder until
OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have a
bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.

Q. That's disgusting!
A. Yes.

Q. Could you give an example?
A. Certainly

Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS

(LONGISH PAUSE)

HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere
HunniBunni: I'll do it
Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your,
umm, your...
HunniBunni:Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching
them!
HunniBunni: YES!
Born2Bone: Both of them!
HunniBunni: YESSS!!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
HunniBunni: You already did.
Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your
entire nakedness!
HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
Born2Bone: No
HunniBunni: No
Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU
ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!

Wazootyman: Hey, thanks

HunniBunni: Not you
Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING
BULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...
HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST
INTO YOUR ... YOUR...
HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
Born2Bone: Yes
HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
Born2Bone: Ha ha!
HunniBunni: You promised!
Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes I AM THRUSTING MY
MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION
PERSIMMON!
HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL
YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
HunniBunni: Like what?
Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...
HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS
LIKE!!
Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE
WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!
HunniBunni: What did you say?
Born2Bone: Whoops
HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote
in the Senate?
Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT??
YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE
FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
Born2Bone: Tipper?
HunniBunni: Whoops


Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the
Internet?
A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein
people, by posting messages, discuss political topics
of the day.

Q. Like what?
A. Barry Manilow.

Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A. There's a forum for everything.

Q. What happens on these forums?
A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example,
fans post messages about how much they love Barry
Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages
about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And
then sometimes the forum is invaded by people
posting messages about how much they hate Barry
Manilow, which in turn leads to angry counter
messages and vicious name-calling that can go on
for months.

Q. Just like junior high school!
A. But even more pointless.

Q. Are there forums about sex?
A. Zillions of them.

Q. What do people talk about on those?
A. Barry Manilow.

Q. No, really.
A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all
titillating. Often you'll find highly scientific
discussions that expand the frontiers of human
understanding.

Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A. Indeed it is.

 

[melody]

Martha Stewart's Tips For Rednecks:

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

****** (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 p.m.; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

[melody]

The Leprechaun

A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in, he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a leprechaun.
The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."
"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
"Well, havin' such a large cock and all makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all...i'll grant your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come."
The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away.
The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?"
"28" says the guy.
"Aren't you a wee bit old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"

------

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
I'll see you at the same time next month!

Why don't witches wear panties?
So they can get a better grip on their brooms!
Mummy, Mummy what's a vampire?
Shut up son and eat your soup before it clots!

Mummy, Mummy the kids at school call me werewolf!
Shut up son and go and brush your face!

_________

Two nuns were sitting in their car waiting for the traffic lights to change when suddenly a vampire appears in front of them.
"Oh sister," said the first nun, "What shall we do?"
"Show him your cross!" replied the second nun.
So the first nun stuck her head out of the window and screamed, "Fuck off you ugly motherfucker!"

_________

The husband wanted to have sex with his wife, but he hated the "chore" of
eating her out. He knew he had to if he was to get any nookie. He starts
to perform on her, and just as he darts his tongue inside her, she lets
out a big fart. He stops what he is doing, looks up at her and says,
"Ahhh, sweetheart, thanks for the breath of fresh air!"

 

[melody]

Cinderella

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly ... Peter Peter, something or other...."
======
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances
on their wedding night, and reprimanded him severely.

"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the
dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and
climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a
hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as
to please pass the cunt."
======
What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
Kids will eat snot.
======
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: You fuck her
=======
Why do you have to wrap duct tape around a gerbil?
So that it doesn't explode when you sodomize it.
======
You've heard the VISA slogan, "it's everywhere you want to be." I guess that means there are a lot of women walking around with credit cards up their cunts.
======
A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

 

[melody]

Try Prostitution

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.

The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband.

The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was very well hung.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"

~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.

After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following:

"Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese."

"I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."

She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

"OK" he says, "you're f#cking ugly as well!"

~~~~~~~~

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. If she is menstruating, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.

 

[melody]

The Ballad Of Bush's Queen Berets

Falling Fairies from the sky,
O broke a nail, Oh I could cry.
Don't you like how my tushy sways?
We are the fags of the Queen Berets.

George Bush's words upon my ears,
"You Guys have rights, be proud you're Queers."
I once was scared, now I'm okay,
Cause I'm a Fag in the QUEEN BERETS.

Put silver earclips on my nuts,
I love the pain, now spank my butt.
The way you walk is awfully cute.
I sure would LOVE to pack your chute.

This Army stuff is awfully slick,
Free meals and clothes, and lots of dicks.
When I retire, I'll still get paid.
I thank you George, from the Queen Berets.

===

One day a young boy asks mother if he can bath with her. The mother agreed told
the child that he could not look under water. Children being naturally curious
the first thing the child does is look under the water. Seeing his mother's
bush the child asks, "Mom what is that"? Answering in surprise the mother says,
"that is my sponge". This answer satified the child's curiousitiy and he bath
and got out of the tub. When the child was gone Mom decided to shave her pubic
hair as a surprise to dad. The next night the boys asks to bath with his mother
again. Again the mother agrees under the same conditions. Of course the child
looked under the water again and not seeing her bush asked, "Mom where's your
sponge"? Again answering in surprise the mother says, "I lost it". Again the
child was satified.
A few days later Mom was cleaning house and the boy rushed into the house
excited and short winded. Seeing his excitment Mom asks, "what's wrong honey"?
The boy replies in excitment,"Mom I found your sponge". Thinking this to be
cute the Mom asks, "where is it honey"? After a few seconds of catching his
breath the boy answers, "The lady next door has it and she's using it to wipe
dady's face"!!!!!!!!!

===

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzhiemers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

 

[melody]

A Polack is hunting in Arkansas and shoots at a deer. Upon
closer examination he realizes that it was a cow. Going up to
the nearest farmhouse, he explains the mistake he has made to
the farmer.
"My God!" the farmer says, "You done kilt my favorite heifer.
She had a pussy just like a woman's!"
"Don't worry," the Polack says, "I'll bring over my wife.
She has a pussy like a cow's."

&&&&&

One blonde was instructing another in the art of fellatio. Blonde 2 ventured,
"I wonder how long dicks should be sucked."
"That's easy!" said Blonde 1, "The same as the short ones!"

&&&&&

Late one night Dirty Billy was walking past his parents' bedroom door and noticed it was
ajar. He looked inside, saw them, and shouted out, "And you have the balls to send ME to
a shrink just for suckin' on my fuckin' thumb!"

&&&&&

Q: What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.

Q: What do you call an Arkansan who doesn't fuck his sister?
A: An only child.

Q: How are men like spray paint?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Q: How do you circumcise an Arkansan?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay.
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
A: Because he wanted to see her crack.

Q: Why did God create women?
A: To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Q: What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?
A: Dessert.

Q: If a straight guy who can't get a date is called a loser, what is a fag who can't get a date called?
A: A poor sucker.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: Why are faggots considered so polite?
A: Because they'll give their seat to anyone.

Q: Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
A: Because they are ugly and they smell.

Q: Did you hear about the girl who was both a nymphomaniac and a cannibal?
A: Every time she ate a guy, she made sure she got the bone.

 

[melody]

TOO MUCH COFFEE!!

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

You answer the door before people knock.

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

All your kids are named "Joe".

You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You have a conniption over spilled milk.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

You don't tan, you roast.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.

Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.

Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

You can't even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

 

[melody]

Unfaithful

A young wife was at home waiting for her husband to get off work when
the doorbell rang. It was the Fuller Brush Man with her order from the
week before. She told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead.
Come on back to the bedroom."

They made their way back to the bedroom and started fucking. About the
time that the Fuller Brush Man popped his nuts, there was a knock on
the door. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my
husband!"

The guy crawled underneath the bed and the wife went to the door. It
was the delivery boy from the grocery store with her grocery order. She
said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead.
Come on back to the bedroom."

Again, while the wife was fucking the delivery boy and he was cumming,
the doorbell rang. The wife exclaimed, "Quick! Get under the bed! It
might be my husband!" So he crawled under the bed.

At the door, it was the delivery boy from the drug store with her
order. She said, "I don't have any money, but I'll give you some pussy
instead.
Come on back to the bedroom." They started fucking and just when the
boy shot his wad, there was another knock on the door.

It was the insurance man who had come to collect the weekly payment.
The wife said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy
instead.
Come on back to the bedroom".

They went back to the bedroom and starting getting it on and had just
finished when the doorbell rang. "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be
my husband!", said the wife. So, he got underneath the bed.

At the door was the coal truck driver with a load of coal for the
furnace. He was a black man, unlike the crackers before him. The wife
told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead.
Come on back to the bedroom".

They went back to the bedroom and consumated the agreement the wife had
made. Wlile the coal man was getting off, the doorbell rang again. The
wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"

She went to the door, sweaty and smelly and cum dripping from her
cooze, and this time it WAS her husband. He came in and sniffed the funky
smells in the air, and shouted at her, "Damn you! You been fuckin'
somebody else again! I told you I was gonna pull all the hairs out of
your cunt, one by one, if I ever caught you fuckin' again. Back to the
bedroom and lay on the bed, bitch!"

They went to the bedroom and he threw her on the bed and started
pulling hairs out of her pussy. As we know, it was pretty crowded underneath
the bed but the ones who were there remained silent while the wife screamed
at each pull of a hair. The husband finally had pulled all the hairs
out except for one. He just couldn't get the last hair pulled out and he
screamed, "Come on out of there, you black bastard!"

With that, the coal driver stuck his head out from under the bed and
said, "Let 'de fo' white gentlemans go fust."

(This is NOT racially motivated, I couldn't resist, it's too funny)

 

[melody]

This little boy comes home from school, he sees his mom and says,
"Mom, what's a cunt?"
Shocked, his mother says "Where on earth did you hear that kind of
language?! Go tell your father what you said to me!"
So the little boy goes downstairs to see his dad in the basement, and
says, "Dad, what's a cunt?" His father takes out a playboy centerfold,
and draws a circle around the girl's pubic area with a pencil. The Dad
says, "Son, see this? That's a pussy. Everything outside that circle is
a cunt!"

*****

An elderly couple was sitting together watching television.
During one of the commercials the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife answered, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"

Q: Why shouldn't you suck a twelve inch dick?
A: You could get foot in mouth disease.

*****

There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"


She lay there spread eagled in bed,
Her eyes were rolled back in her head.
Not a sign of resentment,
Only total contentment,
Not screwed, she's been eaten instead


There once was this bum fucking faggot!
He'd see anything male, and he'd shag it!
One day he fucked the wrong ass
Now he's pushing up grass
And his only mate is a maggot!

 

[melody]

Viagra Diary

Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3. This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4. A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 7. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself!

Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. Sore as hell...

Day 10. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over.

Day 11. The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Hamlet and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man.

Day 12. Ok, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.

Day 13. I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous!

Day 14. Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him.

Day 15. I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to bark like a dog. Help me.

Day 16. I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to... stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to screw himself. He did. He must die.

 

[melody]

The Joy Of Having A Dick

I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
An organ surrounded by sensitive skin
That's smooth and rarely hairless.

It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
It dangles neatly down below;

Soft, obedient and loyal.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.
It often has a mind all of its own;

It's like a wild untamed beast.
It squirms and writhes
and stretches out;
When you expect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldn't.

And during the summer,
Wearing little, sunning on the beach
The slightest sight of shaking boobs
And to cover up you'll have to reach

Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?

Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes guys quite distraught.

They peek across in urinals,
To compare and try to see
But if another glances back at them
There's no way that they can pee

Masturbating is a sin;
That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales;
Cuz it really can relieve.

Without this fabulous organ,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.

It has two main bodily functions,
I'm sure you'll all agree,
To start a whole new life,
And of course, daily to pee.

But I think the thing that's marvellous;
About that one eyed brute
Is that when its trying to procreate,
It knows which fluid to shoot.

And always it remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.

And so to summarize
I'd say with certainty
That every male loves
his little friend.

But girls, no matter what we do,
Please don't fold,
spindle mutilate
And NEVER NEVER Bend!!!

 

[melody]

The New Standard

The new standard was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a
real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect
at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01 AM, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man,
"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my
lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an
affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching
for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just
as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed
that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back
inside to get the first thing that I could get my hands on, to throw at him. Oddly
enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, strained
to push it out on the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories
and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart
attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir.
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later, the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can
let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But, you're not going to believe this.
I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment, doing my daily exercises.
I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over
the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine. However; all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his
apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I
hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die
right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and, in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off
the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I
could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel
announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says,
"Please tell me how you died." The third man says, "OK, picture this.
I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator......."

 

[melody]

"Resignation Letter"

(ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:)

Dear Sir,

This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked
up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a
company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial
skills.

I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges
that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.

My last day of work will be when you realize I came in
late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies
I requested and received last week.

Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've
left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects
I never completed.

Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn
thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your
ass as well.

Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you
see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.

My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I
was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed
me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every
time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but
not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a
poor fucker. Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you
as stepping stone to a better future.

I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing,
bitch-ass motherfuckers.

Yours sincerely,
__________________

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"

 

[melody]

Lorena

Lorena and her husband are driving along the highway. The husband, who
is driving, is complaining about everything...the heat, the long drive,
bad drivers, the country, etc. Lorena is getting annoyed with his
depressing talk, so she says to him, "One more complaint and I'll cut
your penis off with my Swiss army knife!"

About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he
could blink Lorena pulls out her knife and slices her husband's penis
off and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is Little Johnny and his parents. The
penis suddenly lands on their car's windshield and Little Johnny’s
father, in a panic, quickly puts on the windshield wipers to get the
dick off the windshield and out of the view of his little son.

After he does this, Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, what was that?"

His father, still in a panic, replies, "Oh it was only a butterfly,
son."

Little Johnny replies, "Damn, did you see the size of its dick!"

~~~~~~~~

TRUE EXPRESSIONS OF FRIENDSHIP (man style):
When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be until you quit whining. ;-)
When you are confused -- I will use little words.
When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

~~~~~~~~

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this
your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.
"No, no, no!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."