JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

What is the definition of a smart ass?
Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.
==========
Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and
explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.
"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.
"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."
Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"
"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home
from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door.
Your mom and I have lost that love."
"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you
come home, so she must still be in love with you."
"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited
when I arrive home from work?"
"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor,
and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, 'My
husband's home! My husband's home!"
==========
"Do you serve women at this bar?"
"No, sir, you have to bring your own."
==========
Confucious Says
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
==========
Confucious say:
Man in shower playing with tool not necessarily plumber.
==========
A man walks into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the
table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest
London Broil," he says.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter. "Oh," answers the
man, "she'll order for herself."
==========
Why do men love blowjobs so much?
They love all jobs they can lay back and watch a woman do.

Why won't blondes eat pickles?
Because they're afraid they'll get their heads stuckin the jar

What do you call a bunch of blondes with yeast infections?
A wine and cheese party!

 

[melody]

MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

She'll win you in rags, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;

At times she'll be vengeful, merry, and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry

Horny

 

[melody]

There were three blonds: Mandy, the smartest, Megan, semi-smart and
Jackie, really dumb. They were spies. They were in Russia when they got
caught.
At Mandy's execution they said: any last words. So she said Tornado!
Tornado! The soldiers left and Mandy went home.
On Megan's execution day they said the same thing and she said,
Hurricane! Hurricane! Megan joined Mandy back home.
On Jackie's execution day they also said the same thing and she
answered: Fire! Fire! So they fired and killed her!

~~~~~~~~

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual
activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was
able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally naked,
lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she
got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs
behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as
she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked
herself backwards until she finally got it behind
her head. However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped
slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in
the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed,
"For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in!
You look like an asshole!!"

 

[melody]

Nookie Green

An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing
confessions. A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -
"Father, it has been two weeks since my last
confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."

"That is your sin?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father." The man leaves. Soon,
another enters and kneels.

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my
sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular
with his male parishioners...

"Those are your sins?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys." The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down. "Father, it has been six months
since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie
Green twice a week for the last six months."

This time, the priest has to ask - "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"Just a woman I know, Father."

"Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys."

The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who
this Nookie Green woman is...

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying
mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this
woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress,
green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming
from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of
the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself
and leans over to ask Little Johnny, the altar boy, "Pssssst. Is that
Nookie Green?"

Little Johnny has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the
reflection off her shoes."

 

[melody]

A young woman was in a bar one evening, and soon became distressed to
see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.

"Say, honey-baby ... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."

"Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there."

~~~~~~~~

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast
enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower,
rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger
boobies.'

" She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved
her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of
the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory
dock..."

 

[melody]

"Barbender, Barbender"

A very drunk lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."

O)O)O

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!

If it tastes like chicken, keep on licking... If it tastes like trout,
get the fuck out!

Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids

:::::

A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some
refreshments and showed his date to her seat.

Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the
man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is
getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"

"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.

%%%%%

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles, grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother".

~~~~~

Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

 

[melody]

A man walks into a doctor's office and the doctor says to him,
" I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," the patient says.

"The good news is that your penis is going to be two inches
longer and an inch wider,"the doctor replies.
"That's great!" says the patient." What's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "It's malignant."
_____

A college student picked up his date at her parents home.
He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a
fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost
everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster,
champagne. . . the works.

Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this
at home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid."
_____

A gynaecologist examines a lesbian and remarked "Madam that is the cleanest vagina I have ever seen"
She replied "Thank you, I have a woman in twice a week !"
_____

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of
old ladies running around with tattoos?
_____

A man and his wife are screwing. Fifteen minutes has passed, thirty
minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. After a
few more moments, the wife comments "Can't you think of anyone either?"
_____

Misunderstood

A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar.
"Do you want to dance?" asks the man.
"I don't care much for this song and wouldn't be caught dead dancing
with you anyway," snips the woman.
"Oh, excuse me, you must have misunderstood -- I said you look FAT in
those pants!!"
_____

On their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel
room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom to
find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You better pray for endurance."

 

[melody]

Things Women Should Never Say To A Naked Man
(unless he deserves it...)

~*~ Oh, it's so cute.
~*~ I'm so sorry.
~*~ I've smoked joints fatter than that.
~*~ Who circumcised you?
~*~ Why don't we just cuddle?
~*~ You know they have surgery to fix that.
~*~ You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
~*~ Can I paint a smiley face on that?
~*~ Wow, and your feet are so big.
~*~ My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
~*~ It's OK, we'll work around it.
~*~ Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
~*~ Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
~*~ Oh no, a flash headache!
~*~ My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
~*~ Let me go get my tweezers.
~*~ How sweet, you brought incense!
~*~ This explains your car.
~*~ Are you one of those pygmies?
~*~ All right! A treasure hunt!
~*~ Why is God punishing you?
~*~ But it still works, right?
~*~ Do you take steroids?
~*~ Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
~*~ Let me know when you're done.
~*~ Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
~*~ Aww, it's hiding.
~*~ Are you cold?
~*~ If you get me real drunk first.
~*~ Is that an optical illusion?
~*~ Were you neutered?
~*~ It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
~*~ Does it come with an air pump?
~*~ Wow, some place to put my rings.
~*~ Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
~*~ So this is why I'm supposed to judge people on personality.

 

[melody]

TEN WAYS TO TREAT MR. PENIS

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm
Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it's like it's a raw
piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice
and easy. Make friends first.

2.) When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an
industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's
eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be
gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who
"Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up
and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and
back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made
for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you
should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a
basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not
that good, and your 100+ Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity
will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail
and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword
as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember
friction is the problem ... lubrication, the cure.

5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep around
for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or
your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and
have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle
or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid.
That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure
gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr.
Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude
Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach
last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on
pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you
had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that
deep!
What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger
than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"

And never never say "Is it in?"

 

[XTEC]

PCK this his son on sex

Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?

PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable because, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !


Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?

PCK : Of course lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right?

Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?

PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, then someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not? Ehhh! Don't play play ah!

Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?

PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! Use your brain, use your brainnn ..........

Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love ?

PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Correct or not?

Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?

PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your brain, use your brainnnnn................................ you go and dig your nose in front of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!

Aloy : Wah ...... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.

PCK : Aiyah ...... ," Best in Singapore, JB, some say Batam, and now, the whole world!" also ah!!!

 

[melody]

The Perfect Woman Would Say...

1. I'll swallow it all ... I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a
case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for
a threesome!

5. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please
try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go
shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's
asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you
had time to play on Saturday, too.

14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again,
come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing
and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for
God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful
stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new
strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't
you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for
the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind
my head for ya!

 

[melody]

A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.

The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".

The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"

When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?"

The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."

=================

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.

Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

 

[melody]

The Creation Of A Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

 

[melody]

Turpintine

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a
gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching
all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest
came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful
liquid in the world. It's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid
in the world is Holy Water. If you take some
of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's
belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."
The little boy replied, "Dude, that ain't
shit. You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on my cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle."
========
Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring
into their drinks. One got a curious look on his face and asked,
"Hey, Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."
========
A young man walked up to a girl, and said, "Hi. How's it
going?"
"Listen," she said, "I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere.
Front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been
doing it since I graduated from college. I just love it!"
"No kidding?" he responded. "I'm a lawyer too! What
firm are you with?"
========
A jealous husband hired a private detective
to check on the movements of his wife. The husband
wanted more than a written report; he wanted
video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a
video. They sat down together to watch it. Although
the quality was less than professional, the man
saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor
cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a
dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught
husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe?
It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that
my wife could be so much fun!"
========
Daffynition: A perfect 10 - a girl with no teeth who is waist high and
has a flat head on which you can set your drink.

Daffynition: A Cinderella perfect 10 - a girl who sucks and fucks until
the stroke of midnight and then turns into a pizza and a six pack.

 

[melody]

George And God

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.
The light goes on when I pee, and then (Poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (Poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (Poof!) the light goes off?"
"That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

~~~~~

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go
She got so fed up with the little fucker following her
That she killed the cunt
Barbequed it, and ate the little bastard.

~~~~~

Back in the early days of the Colonies, Captain John Smith was berating the township populace in their monthly meeting.
He preaches that work isn't getting done, people are lazy and sex is becoming rampant and deviate. People have been observed having sexual relations with horses, cows, pigs, chickens...
Right then, from the back of the room, comes an incredulous comment..."Chickens????"

~~~~~

Nine Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions But Never Will....

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking
ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle.
5. Of course you have to swallow.
6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
7. I hate your friends.
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of
speaking to you after tonight.
9. I'd rather watch a porno.

 

[melody]

The Pig Farmer

A pig farmer in Alabama was trying to get his pigs to breed,
with no success. Every morning, he'd run outside to the barn and
perform a pregnancy test on the female pigs. Everyday, the results were
negative.
The farmer was baffled.

One day, he called the local vet and asked for some advice. The
farmer explained that he couldn't get his pigs to mate. The vet
replied, "Try artificial insemination."

"What's that?" the farmer asked.

The veterinarian said, "It just means if you can't get your pigs
to mate, you'll have to do it for them."

So the next day the farmer rounded his pigs into the back of his
pickup and headed into the woods. Soon he stopped, and one by one he
shagged each of the pigs.

Later that week, the farmer checked the pigs. None of them were
pregnant! So the farmer took the pigs out again and shagged them
really good.

After days of this, with no pregnant pigs, the farmer gave up.
One morning as he went to feed the pigs, he arrived to find that the
pigs were all missing! He ran back inside the house and shouted,
"Wife! The pigs are gone!"

His wife replied, "Honey you're not going to believe this, but all of
your pigs are sitting in your pickup, and one of them is honking
the horn."

=====

Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videos, the
mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was
shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a
trans- sexual making love to a dog, and a woman accommodating five men
at once.
If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our
fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking,
"Are there any questions?"

Five people shouted in unison, "Where'd you rent the tape?"

 

[melody]

An Italian man, a Jewish man and a Polish man were all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Italian says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked".
The Jewish man says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the Polish man speaks up. "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock".

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~*

Complaints from people with sexually transmitted diseases:

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate
I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my
face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell
you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~*

I once knew this bloke from Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born
And he wouldn't have been
If his Father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn

A young Catholic layman named Fox
Makes his living by sucking cocks.
In fits of depression,
He goes to confession,
And jacks off the priest in the box.

 

[melody]

Alcohol Warnings

Alcohol warnings; Of course this does not apply to you and me, but you
may want to pass this on to other people to warn them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
__________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
__________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
__________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
__________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
__________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
__________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
__________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
__________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
__________

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your ass kicked.
__________

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel
gud.

~~~~~~~

This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what
happened last night."

His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."

The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened
the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."

She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door."

 

[melody]

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last
straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a
new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a
brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went
straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love
me
Anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband
and
wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P. S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice
when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother
raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice,
I didn't comment . And when you cooked my favourite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from
me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit
my job
and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were
gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime
from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Heather

_________

I want to die like my grandfather did, in his sleep.
Not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.
___________

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

 

[melody]

Top 10 viagra advertising slogans

10. Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there
overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan...... ........

1. This is your penis. THIS IS YOUR PENIS ON DRUGS. Any questions?