JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Try Saying Some Of These At Work......

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?

 

[melody]

"Doctor, I've got this problem," a man says. "My secretary,
she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work
I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch.
And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I
service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half
hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each
night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.

"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."

 

[melody]

Things That are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:

~ Innovative

~ Preliminary

~ Proliferation

~ Cinnamon


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

~ Specificity

~ British Constitution

~ Passive-aggressive disorder

~ Transubstantiate


Things that are fucking impossible to say when you're drunk:

~ Thanks, but I don't want to have sex with you.

~ No, thanks, I don't need another drink.

~ Sorry, but you're not really my type.

~ Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

~ I'm not interested in fighting you.

~ Oh, I just couldn't; no one wants to hear me sing.

~ Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance.
I have no coordination, and I don't want to look like a fool.

~ Where is the nearest restroom? I refuse to vomit in the street.

~ I'm going home; I have work in the morning.

 

[melody]

Clues That We Should Probably Call It A Night

Remember these when you've had just a bit too much to drink...
although, you'll probably be too drunk to remember

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my
booty while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance moves around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly
believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy
Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 am breakfast taco on the floor (which I'm eating
even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on
eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo
much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I
keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me
just lemonade, but that's because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm not in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the
kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the
WRONG WAY but...

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be
standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut
down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I think it's their fault that I'm
having problems walking straight.

 

[melody]

My Mother Taught Me…

To Value A Job Well Done
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

Time Travel
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

Logic
"Because I said so, that's why."

Foresight
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

Irony
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

Osmosis
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

Stamina
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

Weather
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

Hypocrisy
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

Circle Of Life
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

Behavior Modification
"Stop acting like your father!"

Envy
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

Anticipation
"Just wait until we get home."

Receiving
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

Medical Science
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

How To Become An Adult
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

Genetics
"You're just like your father."

Wisdom
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

Justice
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

 

[melody]

Mother's Dictionary of Meanings

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

********

It's Time to go to School

One early morning, a lady went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
Son: "But why Mom? I don't want to go."
Mom: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
Son: "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
Mom: "Oh, that's no reason to not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

 

[melody]

Top 15 Rejected Mother's Day Cards

15. I love you when you're happy.
I love you when you're sad.
I love you though you told me,
The milkman is my dad.

14. Roses are red, my childhood was blue.
Get out of my basement -- Your rent is past due.

13. The cards in the store
Were just too full of sex,
But I thought, "What the hell."
Love, Oedipus Rex

12. There once was a woman named Mother,
Who always did favor my brother.
But now that he's dead,
Mother senses with dread
That *her* nursing home's worse than the others.

11. You stood up to my father's kin,
their many threats of extortion.
Thanks for having me, Mother Dear,
instead of an abortion.

10. Dear Mom, in your Mother's Day card,
Is a question that you may find hard:
If Dad went astray,
If he left, as you say,
Who's that buried in the back yard?

9. Mom you're so great, Mom you're so cool.
Please don't send me, to an Arkansas school.

8. I know my Mom's a test tube.
I'm a sheep, not an ignorant rube.
No real Mom could be better,
She'd just wind up a sweater,
Adorning some debutante's boobs.

7. When I was born, you became a mom,
and gave me lots of joy and lovin'.
But now, I need to come back home --
I've got my *own* bun in the oven.

6. For my (almost) Fifth Stepmother:
Congrats to you, my almost-Mom,
You've nearly won the war...
Unlike all the other tramps
Dad picks up in the bar!

5. I'm going to Denmark, Mother, Dear,
For some changes of which you'll learn.
You always wanted a little girl --
Well, you'll have one when I return.

4. Your girlish figure disappears,
With each bite that you chew.
You now look worse in lingerie,
Than dear old Uncle Lou.

3. You've lovingly looked after me
Since I was just a baby,
So now I don't resent the fact
That both my moms are ladies.

2. I think of you, dear Mother,
as I'm in my cell, alone,
And miss the way you always made
our crack house a crack home.

1. You probably won't even listen,
You may still think, "How *could* he?"
But no card's as heartfelt as this 'un.
Best wishes, Soon-Yi and Woody

 

[melody]

In A Coma

A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.

While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh. Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the doctor.

"That is a good sign," suggests the doctor, "Why don't you try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction."

The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her right breast which brings a moan from his wife.

He rushes out again and tells the doctor.

The doctor thinks this is amazing and could perhaps be a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside and perform oral sex.

More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his wife's bedside to do his deed.

Some five minutes later, the husband comes running from his wife's bedside screaming for the doctor.

"What's going on?" asks the doctor.

The husband yells, "My wife stopped breathing!"

"What happened?" asks the doctor. "Everything seemed to be looking good a few minutes ago."

The husband replies, "She choked."

~~~~~~~~

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

 

[melody]

Cool Funnies

Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because
her first period had started and she had no idea what it was.
The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested
Sheryl talk to her mom.
She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.
"Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny.
"I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied.
"Give me a look," said little Johnny.
She lifted her skirt and showed him.
"Fuc*in' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding some
bastard's cut off your cock!"
==========
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape for your
age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went
out to the reception room and said:

"Jake do we still have intercourse?"

Jake answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told you a
thousand times... We have blue cross !!"
==========
Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.
==========
The teacher once asked the class to make a sentence with the phrase
pistol too.
Little Jimmy raised his hand, and after being recognized, said
"The lone Ranger tamed the wild west with his faithful indian companion
and his pistol too".
Very good says the teacher.
Little Johnnie raised his hand, and after being called on said
"Down at our house we make homebrew, drink till twelve and piss till two".
==========

Blonde Moments!

A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and
went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in
the mail box again. She did this several times and her neighbor that was
watching her said, "You must be expecting a very important letter today
the way you keep looking into your mail box"...
The blonde answered "No", I am working on my computer and it keeps
telling me that I've got mail."
==========
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.".

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
straight down the fairway.

The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
time take the club out of your mouth."

 

[melody]

Naughty Shorties

Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don't look down.

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.

Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo

Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats

Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

 

[melody]

An Escaped Convict

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had
spent years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run,
he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had
been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on
one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the
bed right over the woman, and it appeared that he was kissing
her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible
the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his
chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a
woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he
left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If
he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and
pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make
him mad. Our lives depend on it. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife
says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right,
he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my
neck... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks
you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the
bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

 

[melody]

The Perks Of Being Over 50 ...

You can live without sex but not without glasses

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.

 

[melody]

Hickory Dickory Doc!
In Ten Seconds You'll Be Sucking My Cock!
So Think Very Quick!
As I Whip Out My Dick!
Hickory Dickory Doc!

=====

There Once Was A Man From Nantucket
Whose Dick Was So Big He Could Suck It
He Said With A Grin
As He Wiped Off His Chin
If My Ear Was A Cunt I Would Fuck It

=====

Q: Did you hear about the gay Canadian Mountie?
A: He jumped on his whistle and blew his horse.

=====

Two gays got into a heated argument, with one of them saying, "Well, you
can kiss my ass!"
The other one blurted out, "This is no time to talk about romance,
Bitch!"

=====

Jim paid $500 to a madam for a virgin whore. He was sent to an upstairs
room, where a fresh-faced 18-year-old expertly sucked him to the brink
of coming, then quickly finished him off in her cunt. The whole session
lasted less than five minutes.

The john was not happy.
"They said I'm the first man you ever fucked," he complained.

The girl looked blankly at Jim. "You might be," she smiled helpfully.
"Your face looks familiar."

=====

The Nuns Are Coming!

Two nuns decided to ride into town from the convent. They got on their

bicycles and began their trip. Once in town, the nuns turned down an old,

cobbled side street.

The first nun says to the other, "I don't think I've ever come this way

before."

The other nun says, "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles!"

 

[melody]

Technical Support

Oh.... Some People Are Truly STUPID


Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but
it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the
CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates .
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.................thank you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a, as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I can't get on the internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse,
it disappears.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a printer problem.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under
a window, and his printer is working fine."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And last but not least:

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle
of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the
Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

 

[melody]

AUSTIN POWERS PICKUP LINES

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs...what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?

8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

15. Are those real?

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

19. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.

20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

22. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?

34. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

35. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

36. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

37. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

38. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

 

[melody]

Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out of Sex

10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.
8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.
7. You're 20 bucks short.
6. We're out of gin again.
5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.
4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.
3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's.
2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.
1. Your gynecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know
I don't like seafood.

o0o0o0o0o0

A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars".
He gives her a strange look and keeps walking.
Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking.
The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?".
His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".

o0o0o0o0o0

A woman is watching her husband coming out of the
shower and says to him, 'You have dick-do
disease.' He says, 'What's that?' She says,
"Your belly sticks out more than your dick do!"

o0o0o0o0o0

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight,” the wife replied, "Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time." "But I am always gentle with you, dearest,"
"That’s not true, she replied, "the last time you woke me up TWICE!"

o0o0o0o0o0

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one
night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the
bathroom, flings open her robe and yells:
"Super Pussy!"
The old man says: "I'll have the soup."

 

[melody]

Compliment Her

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm
really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment
her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of
your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for
such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I
started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts
they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got
her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another
compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

*********

A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season,
but when gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and
starts kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because
she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet.
The vet tells him to tie a bedsheet around the filly's rump to keep
the stallion away. So, that day, the farmer does just that.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's
solution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found. The farmer
follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's farm and sees the neighbor'
kid out by their barn.
"Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bedsheet tied around her
rump?"the farmer asks.
The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning
with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass!!"

*********

Back in the 70's, a long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep
South.

He got a ride one night from this real mean looking redneck trucker.
After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said: "Well,
aren't you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.

" If I'm a boy, or a girl," answered the youth.

"Don't matter, I'm gonna screw ya anyway."

 

[melody]

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.

Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating...

 

[melody]

The Bumblebee

One day a young man and woman were in
their bedroom making love. All of a sudden
a bumblebee entered the bedroom window.

As the young lady parted her legs the bee
entered her vagina. The woman started
screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a
bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the
local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said
"Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution
to the problem if young sir would permit."

The husband being very concerned agreed
that the doctor could use whatever method to
get the bee out of his wife's vagina.

The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub
some honey over the top of my penis and
insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel
the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I
shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully
follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.
The husband nodded and gave his approval.

The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just
get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis
with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.
After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said,
"I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet.
Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a
while the doctor began shafting the young lady
very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver
with excitement. She began to moan and groan
aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked
like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands
on the young lady's breasts and started making
loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very
annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What
the Hell do you think you're doing?"

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of
plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

 

[melody]

The 100 Rules Of Porn Movies
(PART 1)

1. When a woman sees a man's penis, she immediately places her mouth on
it. All men have dicks at least 9 inches long and 3 inches wide.

2. Women's panties become soaked with moisture at the slightest suggestion
of sex.

3. All women love to swallow.

4. Men and women always cum at the
same time during sex.

5. Premature ejaculation? Never!

6. Babysitters
are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.

7. School teachers and
college professors are the second luckiest people on the face of the
earth.

8. Women really have the best (or full) orgasms only from phallic
intercourse.

9. When a husband finds that his wife has been cheating on
him, he is more turned on than angry.

10. When a woman finds that her
husband wants to watch her fuck other men, she thinks it a swell idea.

11. Pool boys/gardeners/groundskeepers are the third luckiest people on
the face of the earth.

12. A girl's first date leads to her first kiss
before ending with her first fuck.

13. Every woman, no matter what age,
has perfectly trimmed or shaved pubic hair.

14. Kids leave the doors to
their rooms open while they masturbate. Parents leave their doors open
while they have sex.

15. No one ever smells bad, even after having sex
on a cum-soaked mattress for umpteen hours.

16. All men can consistently
deliver 8-10 thick blasts of semen.

17. All black guys are extremely
well hung.

18. All women produce amazing amounts of "juice" that either
flows down their legs or drips from their pussy like a leaky faucet. And
they never dry out, even after hours of non-stop sex.

19. Newspaper
carriers (both boys and girls) are the fourth luckiest people on the
face of the earth.

20. Any woman can deep throat any man no matter how
long he is.

21. Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring
with large-breasted 18-year-old girls.

22. Forty-year-old divorced women
have large-breasted 18-year-old bodies.

23. Women cum about 20 times
from straight missionary fucking.

24. Oral sex is the only way to wake
your lover up.

25. The wife has a secret stash of "toys" the husband has
no clue about.