JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Phone call between emergency room doctor and worried husband:

"Sir, I have bad news and good news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Your wife was in a serious car accident. Her face was peeled off, she lost all use of both arms and
both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

"Oh my God. What's the good news?"

"I'm kidding. She's dead."

~~~~~~~~

Two necrophiliacs are walking down the street when they pass a funeral home. One turns to the other and says:
"Hey, you wanna go in for a couple of cold ones?"
--------
Little Suzie is sitting in a barber shop, eating a Hostess snack cake while the barber cuts her hair.
A customer passes by and says, "Sweetheart, you're getting hair on your Twinkie."
Little Suzie looks up with a big smile and said, "I know, and I'm getting tits, too!"

 

[melody]

What Women Want In A Man:


What women want in a man at age 22:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover


What women want in a man at age 32:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week


What women want in a man at age 42:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


What women want in a man at age 52:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What women want in a man at age 62:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend


What women want in a man at age 72:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

 

[melody]

More Dictionary Of Obscure Sexual Terms

The Fountain Of You
While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before you release and spew like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed)

Fur Ball
You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, a mammoth hair ball gets lodged into your throat.

Gobstopper
With two hands, spread your tramp's anus open, then spit a big-ass loogie down the asshole then close it back up. You can give her a smack on the ass when you're done, if you want.

Golden Shower
Any form of dropping piss all over your partner. Great for those who like watersports.

Greek
The act of using your "glue stick" (if you know what I'm saying) and gluing your gal's eyes closed with your man seed. E.g. "Hey guys, check it out, I just greeked her!" or "Sorry honey, but you asked for the Greek salad

Ham And Cheese Sandwich
Eating a woman's box after you ejaculate all over it. A delightful, tasty combination of her yummy meat curtains with your added cheesy topping is sure to appeal to anyone's appetite.

Hershey Highway
When plugging your girl in the ass, you run into some hot diarrhea. Don't hurt her feelings by getting grossed out though, just pretend it's extra lube.

High Dive
The skill of pulling your Johnson all the way out of your partner's hole and in one motion jamming it home again. Best suited for use in the corn hole, but can be very dangerous.

The Hindenburg
When some slut who is so bad at oral sex, you're forced to cry "Oh! The humanity!" as her teeth scrape your man tool.

Hogging
While intoxicated, high, or just plain desperate, you go searching for the fattest bitch you can find and proceed to ride her like a Harley. Best accomplished with large groups friends.

Hole In One
The act of sticking your dick in your own ass. Just try not to get a huge boner once it's in, or you'll get a nice snapparoo.

Hotdog In A Hallway
When laying the pipe, you realize your dick isn't even touching the walls of her vagina, kind of like tossing a hotdog in a hallway. Most frequently happens when banging the neighborhood trick or if you're slinging a small dick.

Hot Karl
The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the same man who moments earlier was balls deep in her can.

Hot Karl Candy Cane
A variation of the above in which the man who is receiving the oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around.

Hot Lunch
The result of defecating a tube of shit directly into a girl's mouth.

 

[melody]

Cucumbers Are Better Than Men Because...

The average cucumber is at least six inches long

Cucumbers stay hard for a week

A cucumber won't tell you, "size doesn't matter"

Cucumbers don't get "too" excited

A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety

Cucumbers are easy to pick up

You can eat a cucumber when you feel like

A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin

Cucumbers won't ask, "Am I the best? How was it?"

No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber

A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache

With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry

A cucumber will never leave you for another woman

You always know where your cucumber has been

Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month

It's easy to drop a cucumber

No matter how to slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too!

 

[melody]

Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Why's that?
My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.

=====

Blessed is the man who sucks on dirty clits
for he shall ever have the shits.

=====

Carlos calls his boss in the morning:
"Ey, boss I no come work today, I really sick.
I got headache, stomach ache,
my legs hurt. I no come work."
The boss says: "You know Carlos,
I really need you today. When
I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to
give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better,
and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Carlos calls:
"Boss, I did what you say and I feel great,
I be at work soon.
And by the way, you got nice house."

 

[melody]

A Story Of A Woman Who just Turned 57 Years Old:

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.


When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.


When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.


When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.


When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.


When I turned 47 I looked for a guy with a big dick.


At 57 I'm still looking ...

 

[melody]

Did you hear about the blond that...

...Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where
she laid him.
...Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
...Was called tapioca because she could be made
in a minute.
...Thought her typewriter was pregnant because
it missed a period.
...Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of
birth control.
...Thought that peter pan was something for under
the bed.
...Thought that "Moby Dick" was a veneral disease.
...Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from
clean shot glass.
...Smelled good only on the right side because she
couldn't find the left guard.
...Wore union pants because her best friend was
having labor pains.
...Studied 5 days for a urine test.
...Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
...Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
...Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
...Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for
gas and 6 for directions.
...Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to
eat with a fork.

 

[melody]

Can't Lose Weight

A 700 pound man walks into a doctor's office. This doctor is known for
his unusual but effective methods. The man says, "Doctor you must help
me. I have tried everything. I just cannot lose this weight." The doctor
hesitates for a minute. He finally looks up and says, "The only thing I
can do is to sew your mouth shut and teach you to eat from your butt."
The man agrees. He returns one week later to have the procedure.
Six months pass and the patient returns to have the stitches out. The
doctor says, "Now return to me in 1 month for a post-op checkup." The
patient agrees and leaves an astonishing 180 pounds. One month
later, the patient returns for his post-op checkup. As the patient sits
down in the chair, the doctor notices the man is twitching his butt up
and down. He lets it go and continues his examination. After one hour of
watching this man twitch his butt, the doctor can't take it anymore.
He finally says, "Mr. Robertson. I have concluded that you have a
nervous tick in your butt as a result of your operation." The man
thinks, laughs out loud, and says "Doc that ain't no twitch. I'm chewing
gum. Wanna see me blow a bubble?"

 

[melody]

A teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She
thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples
of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought, Jane
proudly replied with "Monday".

"Great, Jane. Mon-day. That has two syllables. Does anyone know
another word?" Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!"

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humour, she picks Mike instead.
"OK, Mike, what is your word?"

"Saturday," says Mike. "Great," replies the teacher, "Sat-ur-day. That
has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny says "I know a four syllable word.
Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that
large, the teacher reluctantly says, "OK Johnny, what is your four
syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas-tur-ba-tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow,
Johnny. Four syllables! That certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two."

 

[melody]

Magic Math Trick

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area
code)

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny was watching TV with his father while his mother prepared
the dinner in the kitchen.

After a while Little Johnny wanders into the kitchen and asks his mother
"Mummy, are the Dixie Chicks robots?"

"No, dear they aren't, why do you ask?"

"Well, Daddy just said that he'd like to screw the ass off the
Brunette."
_________

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said four year old Little Johnny to
his grandfather.

"You are? Why?" the old man asked.

Little Johnny replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned
to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course I have," the old fellow says. "How else can I catch my damn
teeth?"
_________

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his
parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then
continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for
sucking my thumb!"

 

[melody]

The 9 Types Of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy -
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also Known As: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller -
"You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly -
"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser -
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker: The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied -
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control -
"I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy -
"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars -
"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl -
"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

 

[melody]

Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say:

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately.

I don't blame you for ignoring me. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, but I still want you right now!

This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.

Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot.

Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?

I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy.

You're my daddy, you're my daddy!

The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down
and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again? Kick ass.

I liked that wedding even more then ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one,
what a wonderful Valentine's Day present, thanks "Poopy."

Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

I've decided to buy myself a boob job, how big do you want 'em?

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey come here! Watch me do a tequila shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!

My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigarettes and beer.

You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to at least let me lick your balls and suck you off.

 

[melody]

How To Be Sure If Someone Is An Idiot?

You can be sure someone is an idiot when he/she:

Spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said concentrate.

Puts lipstick on their forhead because he wanted to makeup his mind.

Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.

Sends a fax with a stamp on it.

Was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin FREE LAYS!"

Tries to drown a fish.

If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get change.

Thinks socialism means partying.

Trips over a cordless phone.

Takes a ruler to bed to see how long they slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says SIGN HERE he put Sagittarius."

Takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Studies for a blood test and fails.

Invents a solar powered flashlight.

Sells the car for gas money.

Heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moves.

Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 bus twice instead.

Takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said, Airport left, he turned around and went home.
--------
Yo moma is so stupid she sold her car for gas money!!!
Yo mama is so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
Yo mama so stupid, she throught that Sherlock Holmes was a housing project
Yo Moma so stupid she got locked in the bathroom and peed her pant's
Yo moma so stupid when they said it was chili outside she went and got a spoon and a bowl.
Yo moma is so stupid she thought Tiger Woods was a forest.
-------
A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

 

[melody]

An Ode To Big Boobs

I love to suck a great big tit
Inch by inch, bit by bit
I love to see her big breasts bare
They make my cum fly through the air!!
Oh goodness gracious! what big boobs!
They make my cum spurt out in goobs
Their great to lick and suck, not to mention titty-fuck!!
They say that having such big boobs
Are really just a waste
But it takes more than just a mouthful
To get the greatest taste!!
<><><><><>
13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
<><><><><>
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pig shit and snot
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat
<><><><><>
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said "Shit! Your hole is a tight one!"
Said the girl, "Shut your face!
"You're in the wrong place!
"There's plenty of room in the right one!"
<><><><><>
There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'."

 

[melody]

Mother Nasty - Advice for True Queers


Dear Mother Nasty,
My favorite thing to do is to take my boyfriends penus and lick it.
Then I take a needle and put tabasco sauce into it.
I inject the sauce into his erect cock and beat it.
Then when I suck the come mixes with the sauce to create a wonderful flavor.
What's Your Flavour?

Dear Wanna-suck-but-are-too-chicken-shit-to-actually-do-it Tabasco Boy,

You fucking breeder!!!!! No self-respecting fag would misspell "penis" or "cum". No true cock sucker would say "erect" when they can say "hard" or "throbbing" or some other raunchy fuck-word. And obviously you're speaking from your imagination rather than experience if you have so much time to cruise around queer sites and pretend to be cute.
Thanks for your suggestion. However, for those readers who aren't into ramming needles in their cocks to inject corrosive spices, I have another tip. I've been told (by a breeder actually) that if you eat a lot of pineapple for a day or two, cum becomes sweet. This is great for those cocksucking couples who might have ulcers and can't eat spicy foods.
Bon Appetit!
zzzzz

Dear Mother Nasty,
my name is debbie a sweet cute blue eye blond housewife,who was strip-buck naked outside the witch house.She stuck her big fist in my little pussy.she claw my milky-white titty with her big dark finger,she made me cry moan with [email protected]
--debbie

And your problem is...?
Love, Mother Nasty

zzzzz

Dear Mother Nasty,
I am a teenage girl who is grossly overweight and believe I am gay. There is a really nice girl in my gym class who really turns me on. How can I tell if she is interested in me even though I am very fat? FatGirl

Dear Goddess of the Flesh,
One thing I have to say is: Fat is where it's at. Do you want to have sex with a fucking bony-assed beanpole or a soft, wet pillowy mound of hot, lusty pleasure? Honey, you are a volcano of pure sex. I remember high school, I was ready to hump anything that twitched in my general direction. Unless you have genital warts, (I don't recommend them) you will have a slippery clit under your greedy, little tongue faster then you can say, "dental dams and dildos".
I suggest that you check out Fat Girl, a wonderful spot for the true sex symbols of the dyke world.
Love, Mother Nasty

zzzzz

Dear Mother Nasty,
My best friend at my High School listens to Liberace all the time. I heard a rumour that Liberace was gay. Does that mean that my best friend could be gay? I'm not, I just want to find out if he is so I will know if he is checking me out or what!
-- Very Concerned in Kansas

Hey Dorothy,
Tap your shoes 'cuz here's some news. YOU are the fag. Sounds like you're spending a lot of time worrying about whether or not he'll fuck you up the ass. Is this your jackoff dream? Why don't you just ask him, you dumb fuck? Or are you too afraid your wet dreams will come true? Better yet, put him in touch with me, and I'll let you know if you're worthy of his time.

zzzzz

Dear Mother Nasty, Mother Nasty(TM) Brand Machete
I am a freshman in High School. I am required to take a physical education class. Our P.E. Coach does shower checks to make sure that we shower. The showers are not private. My problem is that I am gay and being around naked seniors causes me to get hard. I try not to look, but just knowing they are around is enough. I've hidden it pretty well, but have been caught a couple of times. The guys who saw me beat me up in the hallway and called me a fag. What should I do?
-- Unhappily Horny in Springfield

Dear UH,
They're calling you FAG -- you should be proud of the title. What gets me is What The Fuck Are They Doing Looking At Your Schlonk For Anyway?!?!
Sounds to me like Springfield is brewing up another batch of dangerously repressed homosexuals to join the likes of Pat Robertson, Lon Mabon, David Geffen and their crews. Maybe you could help them by dropping a couple of coming out pamphlets into their lockers. And while you're at it, toss in a copy of Queer Nasty, too.
P.S. Think about buying a machete. You can emboss a pink triangle into the handle -- Just like Mother Nasty's.

 

[melody]

New Confucius Says...

- Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

- Girl who douches with vinegar, walks around with sour pussy.

- Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.

- Girl with back to fire warming whole of her body.

- He who eats ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver

- He who keeps both feet planted firmly on ground, have trouble getting pants off.

- He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.

- He who puts face in punch bowl get punch in nose.

- If you turn an oriental around, he become disoriented.

- Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!

- It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

- It's OK to meet girl in park, much better to park meat in girl!

- Keeping it in family sure sound incestuous.

- Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.

- Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting image of father.

- Man who masturbate only screwing himself

- Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

- Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

- Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

- Woman with cold hands have fire under skirt.

- Man with diarrhea in Las Vegas likes craps.

- Woman who say she's ****** lawyer is blowing hot air.

- Blind man lose track of wife in fish market.

- Man who shit in pick-up now have dump truck.

"He who stick head in open window get pane in neck."

"He who stick head in oven get baked bean."

"Hockey player on ice have big stick."

"House without toilet, uncanny."

"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."

"Man kicked in testicles, left holding bag."

"Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!"

"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"

"Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time."

"Man fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self."

"Man who have circumcision lose a bit of foresight."

"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"

"Man who masturbate only screwing self."

"Man who put cock on stove have hot rod."

"Man who sit on hot stove will rise again."

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who sleep in cat house by day, in doghouse by night"

"Man who sucks nipples makes clean breast of things."

"Man with forked tongue not need chop sticks."

"Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."

"Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts."

"Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy."

"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!

 

[melody]

DOWN BY THE OLD MODEL T

Down by the old Model T
That's when she first showed it to me.
It was hairy and black
and she called it her crack.
Down by the old Model T

So, I whoooped out my 50 foot pole,
crammed it in her hairy hole.
She started to scream,
while I filled her with cream.
Down by the old Model T
ooooo
Q; What do you call a naked women in a strawberry field?
A; Jammy cunt.

Q; What do you call a police woman who shaves her fanny?
A; Cuntstubble.

Q: What is worse than finding a big, brown, peanutty skidmark in the back
of your wife's panties?
A: Finding one in the middle of your wife's panties.

Q: What did the coroners find in Diana's panties?
A: Skidmarks!

Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A nun having a miscarriage.

Q: How many pedophiles does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. Pedophiles dont screw in lightbulbs, they screw in playgrounds.
ooooo
Little Johnny is in the bathroom talking to his Mum
while she has a shower.
He points between her legs at her shaven twat and says,
"what's that Mummy"
"Oh, that's where Daddy hit me with an Axe" she says.
and Little Johnny says "good shot, right in the cunt"
ooooo
There once was a girl from Shrilanka
Whose cunt was as big as a tanker
You could go for a swim
In the depths of her quim
And you needed a lamppost to wank her
ooooo
Q: What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A: A pussy is soft , warm and delightful and it's owned by a cunt.

Q: What's the difference between a 69 and being mugged?
A: With a 69 at least you see the cunt creeping up on you.

Q: What's green and melts in your mouth.
A: A leper's cock!

Q: How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. one to screw in the lightbulb, and another to suck my dick
as I beat my wife!

Q: What's a woman?
A: Something you lie on when your having a fuck.

 

[melody]

Yo Mama's Teeth...

Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like its throwin' up gang signs.
Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
Yo mama's got one tooth and people call her chomper.
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles it looks like her tongue is in jail.
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she needs a map to find her tongue.
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she uses them to cut chain at the hardware store.
Yo mama's gold tooth is so fake, her whole mouth turned green.
Yo mama's got two gold teeth, one says 24k and the other says "Believe that shit if you want to."
Yo mama's teeth look like Honey Smacks.
Yo mama's teeth are so ugly, she got pulled over for not having dental insurance.
When I looked at Yo mama's teeth, I didn't know whether to smile or to kick a field goal.
Yo mama's teeth are so black, it looks like she's been eatin' coal.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she can butter a whole loaf of bread.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she slows down traffic when she smiles.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns into lemonade.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she got a job taste testing butter scotch.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when God said "Let there be light", he told her to smile.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth her eyes light up.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she walked into a church, everybody said "I see the light!"
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, crows fly down and pick at them like it was corn.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiled, Dorothy made it to OZ.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she spits butter.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like a cheeseburger.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she's got more gold than Fort Knox.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, you'd think she's been blowin' the Simpsons.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she's got a Twinkie in her mouth.
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles it looks like a Kraft Singles pack.
Yo mama's teeth are so nasty, they make Yuck Mouth afraid of the cavity creeps.
Yo mama's teeth are so big, when she sneezed she bit a hole in her chest.
Yo mama's teeth are so big, her dentist charges her by the tooth.
Yo mama's teeth are so big, it looks like her mom had an affair with Mr. Ed.
Yo mama's teeth are so big, I thought they were piano keys.
Yo mama's missing so many teeth, you can play checkers on her mouth.
Yo mama's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice.
Yo mama's so toothless, when she couldn't eat an apple, she just gummed it to death.
Yo mama's got snakeskin teeth.
Yo mama's got shark teeth.
Yo mama's got one tooth in front and one in the back talkin' `bout "Give me a bite."
Yo mama's got so many gaps in her teeth it looks like piano keys.
Yo mama's teeth are so big and gapped, I could run hurdles with them.
Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, bitch has to floss with a garden hose.
Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, her front tooth says "Next tooth one mile."
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she has to suck my dick sideways.
Yo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.
Yo mama's got three teeth... one in her mouth and two in her pocket.
Yo mama's got summer teeth... summer in her mouth and summer in her pocket.

 

[melody]

Sperm Sample

An 80 year old man walks into a fertility clinic with his 75 year old wife. He walks up to the doctor and tells him of their plan to have another child.
The doctor tells the man he'll need a sperm sample to see if that was possible. He hands the old man a plastic jar and tells him where to go. The old boy takes his wife by the hand and heads for the room.
Two hours later the doctor was begining to wonder if they would ever come out. The two finally emerged looking embarrassed.
"I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out," cried the man. "But we still can't get the fucking lid off this thing!"

~~~~~~~~

A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So, off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.

"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again, the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So, off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister, again.

After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you doing honey?"

To which the new bride replies,

"Warming up your supper

 

[melody]

A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor.
The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey
glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his
wife had a baby.

When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news,
he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."

«~*~»§«~*

Nadine: The penis-enlarging pills my boyfriend bought
online are working.
Jill: Wow, I thought those were a scam.
Nadine: Nope, they work. Since taking them, he is now
a bigger dick than he was a few months ago.

«~*~»§«~*

Q: What's the best thing about getting a BJ?
A: The 10 minutes of silence.

«~*~»§«~*

There was a debauched little wench
that nothing could ever make her flinch.
She admitted men's poles,
At all possible holes,
And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk off, and french.

There was a young fellow named Pell
Who didn't like cunt very well.
He would finger and fuck one,
But never would suck one---
He just couldn't get used to the smell.

«~*~»§«~*

"Doctor," Sylvia begs the psychiatrist, "you've got to help my husband.
He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable, he walks on all fours--he even eats hay."

"I'm sure I can cure him," the shrink replies, "but it will take a long time and be very costly."

"Oh, money's no object," Sylvia says. "He's already won two races."

«~*~»§«~*

Bubba is sitting with his wife, Mary Jo, at a football game. Every few
minutes, some guy comes over and fondles her. They squeeze her tits,
reach up her dress, grind against her butt. And Bubba just sits there
like nothing is happening.

Finally, a guy sitting next to him leans over and says, "Man, don't you
see what the hell is happening?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Well, hell, man, why did you bring her to the game?"

"(Sigh) If I leave her at home, everybody goes to my house
and screws her."