JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Two Welshmen are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off and goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. The two shepherds run over to the fence to get her out when one says to the
other "Hey, boyo, this is too good an opportunity to pass up."

So he unzips his fly, yanks out his wang and fucks this ewe for about
ten minutes. When he's finally finished he looks round to his mate and
says, "That was bloody marvelous. D'you fancy a go?"

"Bloody right I do!" grins his mate, and he dropped his trousers and
stuck his head through the fence.

 

[melody]

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells: "Super Pussy!"

The old man says: "I'll have the soup."

 

[melody]

Ladies Night Club

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of
the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a
$10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked
the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls
the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other
butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls
out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm
worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just
stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the
guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on
me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain
was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

Then the woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed
the 80 bucks, and went home.

 

[melody]

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary
for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe,
"You know man its been a long time since we had some
sex so you oughta let me screw you."

Joe replied....."Are you FUCKING crazy?!!"

Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't
hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first.

So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.
They flipped a coin and Larry won.
Still having strong reservation Joe asked,

"How will you tell if it hurts or not?"

Larry told Joe,
"If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop.

But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed,
Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River

 

[melody]

Naughty Jack And Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jill forgot to take The pill,
So now they've got a daughter.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty
Jill's now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill
Each with a quarter
Jill came down with fifty cents
Do you think they went for water?

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For a bit of hanky panky
Jill came back
With a very sore crack
Jack must have been a Yankee.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
With a keg of brandy
Jack got stewed
Jill got screwed
Now it's Jack, Jill and Andy

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To smoke a little leaf
Jack got high
Pulled down his fly
And Jill said, "Where's the beef!"

Jack and Jill Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
And now two of his front teeth are missing.

 

[melody]

A cowboy unknowingly walked into a gay bar and announced, "I'm so
thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a bull's balls."

From the back of the room came the cry, "MOO. MOO."

 

[melody]

Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz 2 Men
A. He thought they were a delivery service.

Q. What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
A. They both have little boys pants half off.

Q. How do you re-fit an old whore?
A. Shove a five pound ham up her pussy and pull out the bone.

Q. What should you do if your epileptic grandma is having a seizure in the bathtub?
A. Throw in some Tide and a load of dirty clothes.

 

[melody]

"Do Something!"

John is in bed with a girl and no matter what he does, he just can't seem to get an erection.

She says, "Come on, will you? Do SOMETHING !"

He says, "Like what?"

She says, "Put your foot in."

He sticks his foot in, and she has one hell of a good old time riding it.

A few days later, his foot is swelling up, has a runny, red rash, and it's
starting to itch. He goes to the doctor to have it looked at.

The doctor says calmly, "Well, my friend, it seems you have gonorrhea of the
big toe."

John says, "GONORRHEA OF THE BIG TOE? Shit, Doc, I bet that's pretty rare!"

The doctor says, "Yeah, it's pretty rare. Of course, it's not as rare as
the girl who was in here this morning with athlete's pussy.

 

[melody]

When I was young and in my prime i used to jack off all the time now im
older with more sense I use a knot hole in the fence.

 

[melody]

Squirrel Bait meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's
go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you
LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down
on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he
gets out his lighter.

He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so
curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire.

 

[melody]

Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female around is a gorilla on the other end of the island. After one whole month the guys are all sitting around and Garry stands up and says, "I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!"

So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other side of the island with his pals right behind him. They catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry puts the bag over the gorilla's head. He climbs on top of the gorilla and begins to do the nasty.

The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free and she wraps it around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet free and wraps them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm free and grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him in harder and harder. Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!!

They said, "You're on top, we can't get her off of you."

Garry said... "No, I mean the bag..I want to kiss the bitch!"

 

[melody]

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, " Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

 

[melody]

A woman of very loose nature soon got fed up with men as they were not big enough. She progressed to ponies and then horses. But she soon outgrew them and her quest for a large male member took her to Africa where she sought a bull elephant in the mating season. She finally selected one and went down on all fours for him. She felt him enter her and cried out "Oooh, wonderful, what a tight fit!" "I should hope so!" bellowed the elephant. "I'm sticking in my front leg."

 

[melody]

Guy from Oklahoma and guy from Arkansas were out hunting. They find a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. Guy from Oklahoma says. "Now's our chance," and he goes over and buggers the sheep. He gets done and says to the other guy, "Your turn." The guy from Arkansas goes over and sticks his head in the fence.

 

[melody]

A zookeeper goes to the gorilla cage to see his gorilla. He decides to teach the gorilla some words, so he points to his eye. "Eye," said the zookeeper. The gorilla pulled out its big ass hand and slaps that zookeeper upside the head. The gorilla picks up the zookeeper and slams him onto all the rails. The gorilla finally dumps the zookeeper's bloody and beaten body outside the cage. "What the f**k was that?" asked the zookeeper. "Don't do that," said one of the workers, when you point to your eye, that means 'Fuck you' in gorilla language. The zookeeper goes back to the gorilla cage and holds a pickle up to pants. He then takes out a knife and chops up the pickle. "Do what I do," said the man, he gave the knife to the gorilla to see if it would chop its dick off. The gorilla pointed to his eye.

 

[melody]

Arousal By....?

So which one are you?

Acrophillia - Arousal by heights.
Acrotomophilia - Arousal by the thought of having sex with an amputee.
Anasteemaphilia - Arousal by the fact one's partner is of a different
height.
Arachnephilia - Arousal by sex play involving spiders.
Autoganistophilia - Arousal by being on stage or performing for a camera.
Dendrophilia - Arousal by trees.
Dysmorphophilia - Arousal by deformities in a partner.
Emetophilia - Arousal by vomit or vomiting.
Harmatophilia - Arousal by mistakes.
Harpaxophilia - Arousal by mistakes.
Nasophilia - Arousal by sucking, licking , or touching another
person's nose.
Nosophilia - Arousal the knowledge that a partner is terminally
ill.
Ochlophilia - Arousal by a crowd.
Odontophilia - Arousal by teeth.
Phallophilia - Arousal by a penis of extraordinary dimensions or
endurance.
Spectrophilia - Arousal by intercourse with ghosts, spirits or
angels.
Taphephilia - Arousal by being buried alive

 

[melody]

A rookie milkman had just started a new milk run when he happened
upon a house that when he delivered the milk a beautiful woman
answered the door with a see through nightie on. This happened
every morning from Monday to Thursday. On Friday the milkman
couldn't take it anymore, so zipped down his fly and took out his
fully erect penis and rang the doorbell to deliver the milk.

To his surprise a six foot 200 pound hairy chested man answered
the door.

The quick thinking milkman said "If you don't pay for your milk
today I'll piss all over you.

 

[melody]

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what Happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my Wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back Right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved Her?"

"Oh, No, who the hell wants to love her," said the drunk. "I want her back Because I'm thirsty again!"

 

[melody]

YOU ARE OLD WHEN

"OLD" IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes.

 

[melody]

Judge can't judge a lawyer

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.

Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst.

So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.

The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed.

"If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"

Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client.

The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?",

The partner asked. "But I did send them,"

Replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the complainant's lawyer's business card!"