Early (and not so early) Warning Signs of Insanity
Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately,
and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places
that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the
bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she
sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to
relieve yourself on it.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward
of evil dandruff spirits.
You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
You laugh out loud during funerals.
When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going
to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with
your little illusion.
You collect dead windowsill flies.
Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got
its wings!"
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you
things.
You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because
they weren't rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head
in the middle of your front lawn.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name
etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another
room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells
you.
Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you
think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog,
just for a few minutes.
Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulimia.
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a
koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you're a stalk.
You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
