JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

Dinner Party

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he ran into a couple of old friends and began to yuck it up and he soon forgot about his wife’s party.

It was well past 10 when he remembered. "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He grabbed his bucket, and ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
 
Great News

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

"I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us," she replied.
 
New Job

Bobby walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hmm?"

Bobby says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round. Monday evening arrives. Bobby comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"
 
True Sex!

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
 
Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
 
Stupid questions with stupid answers..

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of
the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes
out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of CO-INCIDENCE? "
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day
and at the same time."

Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in parts of Africa a man doesn't
know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
 
1) Q: What sort of Women wear Revealing Clothes ??
Those who don't have Confidence in the Imaginative powers of Men.

2) Read slowly
u r que tea,
luv lee,
grey ate,
on nest,
at track thief,
cheer fool,
soup pub
and u r my most press yes friend. Housdat!!

3) A man who surrenders when he's WRONG,is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE,is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT,is a HUSBAND.

4)
Exam's are like GIRL FRIENDS:
1.Too Many Questions.
2.Difficult to Understand.
3.More Explanation is Needed.
4.Result is always "DOUBTFUL"

5) 'WATER IS SO PRECIOUS, SO plz send dis msg to as many frnds as u can with this slogan: -

"SAVE WATER

SAVE WATER

TAKE BATH WITH NEIGHBOURS' DAUGHTER!
 
Do You Have A Girlfriend? (interview~txt)

Story I


E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u !
C: Why?
E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't
want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.


Story II

E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider This personal
issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!


Story III

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.


Story IV

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: yes
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.


Story V

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshopper" ! (Job hoper lah!)


Story VI

E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.


Story VII

E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich.He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But,...... there is no position in his company.
E: Then,..... what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness Will affect
your managers' working spirits.
C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested in you!!
 
The most hilarious joke ever heard !!

Prakash Karat, the Communist Leader, was seated next to a little 5th grade girl on the airplane when Karat turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
Oh, I don't know', said Karat. 'How about nuclear power?'
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
Prakash Karat turns towards Yechury in dismay. Thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

The little girl replies: "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know SHIT??!! "
 
Doctor my whole body hurts me

A man once went to see a doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body.

"Doctor my whole body hurts me," he moaned. The doctor asked him to show exactly where the pain was.

The man explained, "When I touch my shoulder, it hurts. When I touch my back it hurts. When I touch my legs, they hurt."

The doctor did a thorough examination and told the man-

"Sir, there is nothing wrong with your body. Your finger is broken. That is why it hurts wherever you touch. Get your finger plastered, rest it for a couple of weeks and all of your pains will disappear."!!
 
A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an
I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation". The nurse gives him a sealed
cup and directs him to a private room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't
come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I
poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"
 
THINGS TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A HUGE PENIS:
"Am I dreaming?"
"Can I keep you?"
Get down on your knees, look heavenward and say, "Thank you God"
And the most vital thing to say to a man with a huge penis, "I DO!"
 
Women don't care how big your dick is.
They would, but they're too busy worrying about the size of their tits.
 
Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
 
What's the similarity between getting a blow-job from and eighty-year-old and walking a tightrope?
In both cases you don't really want to look down.

-------------

Two necrophiliacs are walking down the street when they pass a funeral home. One turns to the other and says:
"Hey, you wanna go in for a couple of cold ones?"
 
Q: What's the best thing about getting a handjob from a 7 year old girl?
A: It makes your dick look bigger.

Q: How can you tell that the letter you received came from a leper
colony?
A: Because there is a tongue stuck to the stamp.

Q: What do lesbians like to use for a lubricant?
A: Tartar sauce.

Q: What is the difference between a hobo and a homo?
A: A hobo doesn't have any friends, and a homo has friends up the ass.

Q: What indication do we have that the lower part of a woman's body was designed by a Polack?
A: Who else would have placed the shithole so close to the snack bar?
 
Facts Of Life

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right.
When it comes to love and sex, men are much more
responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as
women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important
thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells
you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you
to do certain things that may at first seem strange to
you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two
minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be
rushing your man. After your man has finished making
love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly,
and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps
another activity, such as going out with his friends to
the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of
alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his
buddies. Don't feel left out--while he's gone you can
busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his
apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to
replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a
list of important activities for you to do after the
lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,
making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few
beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out
and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not
quantity, is important, studies show this is simply
not true. The average erect male penis measures about
six centimeters. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's
sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should
go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do
everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an
expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust
men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your
boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.
 
Profitable day at work

A man gave all of his seven umbrellas for repair at one time and told the shopkeeper he would pick it up in the evening while back from work.

On the way to work in Bus, out of habit he grabbed the umbrella of the woman sitting next to him, got up and started walking.

The woman started yelled, "Umbrella thief, Umbrella thief."

The embarrassed guy returned the umbrella and apologized, before getting abused and beaten up by other woman loving passengers.

In the evening he picked up all his umbrellas repaired, put them under his arms and started walking towards home. Unfortunately the morning lady returning from work bumped into him.

The lady commented, "Seems, you had a profitable day at work today."
 
Dealing with rude customers

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this ! An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'. The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.' The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,
so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. 'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!' Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'
 
Understanding Generation Gap

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .... And..."

...pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little shit - what are you doing for the next generation?"
 


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