JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

Thought about men

Thought 1


When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?

___________________

Thought 2

The average man's life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.

___________________

Thought 3

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

______________________

Thought 4

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life."

Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

The whole audience including priest started laughing.... ...... but not the poor groom!
 
What GOD says to Women

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live"

Upon recovery,the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home,she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

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God replied,


"I didn't recognize you."
 
Meaning of !!!

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN!.
The only question asked was: 'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'

The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant
 
What is B.E?

8 semesters are there

80GB syllabus

80MB we study

80KB we remember

80 Bytes we answer

BINARY marks we get,

The Degree finally we get is BE

That is Brain Empty (B.E)
 
Bad Little Johnny

Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making
babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little
Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.

"Do you understand?" his mother asked.

"Yes," replied Little Johnny.

"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.

"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.

"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.

"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"
 
What did the gay guy ask his boyfriend ?
"Does this condom make me look fat ?"


Q. What do soy beans and vibrators have in common?
A. They are both meat substitutes.
 
As a couple were getting ready for bed, the husband coming from the
bathroom and jumps in bed, his wife whines "I have a headache"
he replies "Perfect!!

I just powdered my dick in aspirin, you can take
it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you "
 
Dave returned home late and found a naked man
with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet.

"Hey, what the fuck are you doing in there?"

"I'm riding a bus."

"That's a fucking stupid thing to say!"

"Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to ask!"
 
Three Brothers

There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest
brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the
youngest got the bottom floor.

A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his
girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the
following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the
noise they'd heard last night was.

He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room.
Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."

The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his
girlfriend the next night.

During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds:
Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night
was. He replied, "Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the
room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."

Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his
girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following
sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room
was.

So, he said, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room.
Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!
 
Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests. The
first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to go
back to his house and have sex.

Once in the house the girl stripped off, lied down on the bed legs apart
and panted, "I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."

The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that well
hung, asked what he did.

"Well" he says, "What could I do - I fucked her twice and smacked her in
the face!"
 
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class,
and she discovered Little Johnny with a cat up his pants.

She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"

Little Johnny started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the
mailman tell my Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today'!"
 
A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed wrong and
connected with an auto mechanic instead. She asked, "Do you have two
lips and seven kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have two balls and seven inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No...But it's a damn good average"
 
A man says to wife, "I'm feeling kinky tonight. How about I cum in your
ear, baby?"
His wife says, "No way! I might go deaf."
Her husband replies dryly, "I've been cumming in your mouth for twenty
years, and you never shut the fuck up ..."
 
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner
At a quarter to nine
They started to dine
At a quarter to ten it was in her.
(The dinner, not Skinner; skinner was in her BEFORE dinner.)
 
There was a young man of L'Hore
Whose dink was one inch and no more
Which was all right for keyholes
And little girls' pee holes
But no good at all with a whore
 
At the orgy I humped twenty-two
I was bushed before I was through
Though a whole night of sexing
Is boring and vexing -
At an orgy, what else can you do?
 
The Best In WOMEN'S T-SHIRTS
Sayings (Part 1)


A hard-on doesn't count
as personal growth

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a cash advance

A woman's favorite position is CEO

ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS,
AND I MARRIED THEIR KING

All stressed out and
no one to choke

Always remember you're unique...
Just like everyone else.

And your point is...?

Back off!
You're standing in my aura.

Better living through denial

Chaos, panic, & disorder,
my work here is done.

Coffee, Chocolate, Men...
Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Did the aliens forget
to remove your anal probe?

Did you eat a bowl of
stupid for breakfast?

Do I look like your therapist?

Do I look like a
freakin' people person?

Do I seem self-centered,
or is it just me?

Do not disturb!
I'm disturbed enough already.

Do NOT start with me!
You will NOT win!

Does your train of thought
have a caboose?

Don't interrupt me while
I'm talking with myself!

God Made Us Sisters,
Prozac Made Us Friends

Growing Old is Inevitable;
Growing Up is Optional

Guys have feelings, too.
But like... who cares?

Here I am! Now what are
your other two wishes?

How can I miss you
if you won't go away?

How many times do I have to flush
before you go away?

I can only please one person per day,
and today is not your day.
Tomorrow does not look good either.

I don't have a license to kill.
I have a learner's permit.

I don't know what makes you
dumb, but it really works

I don't suffer from stress,
I'm a carrier.

I hate everybody, and you're next!

I like cats, too.
Let's exchange recipes.

I pretend to work.
They pretend to pay me.

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

I Used To Be Schizophrenic,
But We're OK Now

I wear the brains in the family.

I woke up on the wrong side of life.

If a man speaks in the middle of a forest
and there is no woman to hear him,
is he still wrong?

If a woman's place is in the home
WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!

If I got smart with you,
how would you know?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of
little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

If They Don't Have Chocolate
In Heaven, I Ain't Going

If we are what we eat,
I'm fast, cheap and easy.

If You Want Breakfast In Bed,
Sleep In the Kitchen

It ain't the size, it's...
no, it's the size.

I'm busy. You're ugly.
Have a nice day.

I'm in no shape to exercise.

I'm multitalented:
I can talk and annoy
you at the same time.

I'm not a bitch, I'm THE BITCH;
and it's MS. BITCH to you!
 
Moscow the Capital of China

A girl was yelling in the Church after the Chapel: "Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!"

The priest inquired: "Why must you pray so, my child?"

Girl: "That's what I've written in my answer sheet in the examination!"
 
American Holiday

Osama consults a psychic about the date of his death.

Psychic: You will die on an American holiday.

Osama: Which one?

Psychic: Anyday you die shall be an American holiday.
 
What is a Lover?

A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, "Granny, what is a lover ?"

"A lover!!" the grandmother said. "Let me think. Lov... Lover... Oh, my God!"

She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door.

She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the closet.
 


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