JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The Moods Of A Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry

Horny

_+_+_+_


An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there

sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding

horses, mending fences, and branding cattle so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.

When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and

asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
_+_+_+_

There was a cat and a rooster wondering by a lake. Both were famished,

looking for any food they could find, but to no avail. Later on, the

rooster finds himself focusing upon a worm, inching its way nearby.

The rooster then proceeds to chase and then pounce on the worm, eating

it quickly. Resting after his meal, he rubs his belly in pure satisfaction.

The cat looks at the rooster and thinks to himself, "Well, if he can do

it, I can do it." Not long after the rooster eats his worm, the cat

spots a mouse scurrying nearby the lake. The cat raises its tail,

arches its back, and with all its might, attempts to pounce on the

mouse, only to end up in the lake.

What is the moral of the story?

Where there is a satisfied cock, there is a wet pussy!

 

[melody]

Pub Water

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
______________________________________________

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

 

[melody]

Words Of Advice From Mother

A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given
some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they
all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will
shrivel,
2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can
shatter, and
3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a
"GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mum waits and
waits until just after midnight when she's back.

"How was it?" asks mum.

"Oh mum, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely
careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mum, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me
and I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he went to touch
my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then
he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told
him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; "What a
coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would
love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!"

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different
to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mum. You see, he promised to be careful and was
very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took
it out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."

~~~~~~~

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park
when her dog was mounted from behind by a large
Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the
lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's
butt, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she
asked.

The little boy said, "That's my dog! He can dish it out,
but he can't take it!"

 

[melody]

Confession

Amber, A 16 year old cathlic girl goes to confession.

Amber: I called a boy a mother fucker last night.

Priest: Why did you do that?

Amber: He kissed me.

The priest bent over and kissed her.
Priest: like that?

Amber: yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: No, then he grabbed me butt.

The priest grabbed her butt.
Priest: like this?

Amber: yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: no, then he pulled my pants down.

The priest then pulled her pants down.
Priest:like this?

Amber:yes.

Priest : Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: No, then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in my you know where.

The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where.
Priest: Like this?

Amber: yes

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: no

Priest: then why did you call him a mother fucker?

Amber: He had herpes!

Priest: That MOTHER FUCKER!

=====

There once was a girl named dot
who lived off garbage and snot
when she ran out of these
she ate the green cheese
that grew on the side of her twat

=====

I have some neighbors that are lesbians and they have a child.
It occurred to me that in this day of age of
increasing lesbian couples that have children, it
brings a whole new meaning to one kid taunting another
when he says "My Mom can lick your Mom any time."

 

[melody]

The Chain Mail Spoof

Dear......
I know you all are very caring people:

I am a very sick boy little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I
can't. She is crying. Don't cry, Mommy! Mommy is always sad, but she says
it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't
answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that anymore.

The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It
doesn't hurt, except when I go to sleep. The doctors gave me an artificial
body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was
the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or insurance. I
would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.

Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I
said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives
me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad.
I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this e-mail.

Dr. Van Nostrem from the clinic said if you forward this e-mail then Bill
Gates will team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts
will collect prayers from school children all over America and take them up
to space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the
Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the
doctors. The doctors could help me better then. Maybe one day I will be
able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the
doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you forward this
letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels.

Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves
to rot before I turn 10. If you don't forward this e-mail, that's OK. Mommy
says you're a mean heartless shithead who doesn't care about a poor little
boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of
your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death
so you can burn forever in hell. What kind of goddamned person are you that
you can't take five fucking minutes to forward this to all your friends so
that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then
maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help me. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard.

I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy.

Thank You.
Billy 'Smiles' Evans,
the boy with just a head.
And a burlap sack for a body.

Sexes

The convicted rapist was brought up in front of the Folsom
Prison parole board for review. The board chairman read the
man's record, which had dozens of arrests for unnatural sex acts
with women from Sacramento to Anaheim. "Are we expected to
believe that this prison term has cured you of your perversions?"

"Oh, yes," said the prisoner. "Just ask the guard who's standing behind
me. I'll never touch another woman again, will I, darling?"

 

[melody]

And Then The Fight Started...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy Crap?.

That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared
and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground,
ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back,
'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started.....

NNNNN

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.

And then the fight started....

NNNNN

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies,
'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.....

NNNNN

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

NNNNN

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she
answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me
this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

NNNNN

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

NNNNN

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into
a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad
all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife
of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

 

[melody]

How to Shower Like A Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you
see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave
on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray
mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a
small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along
the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire
the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at
how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor
because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light
and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If
you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

How To Give A Blow Job
(And Blow His Mind)

Blowjobs aren't just for men's pleasure. That's right, many women say the feeling of control it gives them combined with the oral stimulation is a turn-on in its own right.. Read on for tips and techniques to make a blowjob an ultimately satisfying experience for all involved.

lllll

The Anatomy

Know what you're getting into:
Glans: The head of the penis
Frenulum: The underside of the glans; ** the most sensitive part **
Shaft: The length of the penis
Perineum: The area between the anus and the testicles
Testicles: Where sperm is made and stored for ejaculation.

lllll

Basic Up & Down

Position yourself comfortably:
Start by teasing his penis - kiss, breathe lightly, whisper, tickle.
Switch to sucking. Create a vacuum by pursing your lips, then using them to surround his penis.
Thrust your mouth down over his penis while you suck.
Use your saliva as a lubricant.
Stroke with your hands while sucking.
Twist your hand as you move up and down on the shaft. Switch hands occasionally for variation.

lllll

Beyond Sucking

Licking & nibbling is quite stimulating:
Run your tongue around the glans, then focus on the frenulum.
Flick your tongue back and forth and all around as you're sucking.
Lick the bottom of the shaft while using your hand to fondle the glans, and vice versa.

lllll

All-Around Focus

There's more to the penis than meets the eye:
Take his balls gently into your mouth and suck.
Run your tongue along his perineum.
Lick his anus and see if he likes it.
Rub his balls gently as you suck the shaft.

lllll

Spit or Swallow

It's your decision:
Some like to take come into their mouth, some like to watch it shoot. Both can be very sexy.
If you choose to take it in your mouth, you can swallow or keep a cloth or napkin nearby to spit into.
Know your partner and make good choices. Swallowing during oral sex on an HIV-infected man has been known transmit the virus.

lllll

10 Advanced Tips

1. Take a deep breath before you take his penis into your mouth to relax your throat muscles. This is to prevent gagging if you think his penis is going to touch the back of your throat.
2. Use your hand around the base of his penis to control how deep he goes into your mouth.
3. Try swallowing when his penis reaches the back of your throat. It kind of tickles.
4. You can start a blowjob when your partner's penis is flaccid and stimulate him to erection.
5. Pubic hairs in your mouth are normal. Just stop for a minute to take them out & then keep going.
6. Use a finger in your partner's anus to massage his prostate.
7. Pop an ice cube in your mouth or a mint for extra stimulation.
8. Run your hands over his inner thighs as your mouth moves on his shaft.
9. Keep your teeth away from his penis, or very, very lightly rub them against him while sucking.
10. Not all men come during oral sex. Don't worry if he doesn't - his orgasm is his responsibility, not yours.

 

[melody]

Bottle Of Acid

There was a little boy sitting on the curb one day. The little tyke had
a bottle half full of acid. It seems he was droppin' those big, black
ants into it every time he caught one. It made a small puff of smoke
shortly after hitting the acid.
An old priest came along and was watching the kid drop those ants
into oblivion. Apparently he thought this would be a good time to teach
the little squirt the value of life.
The priest said to the kid, "What do you have there son?" "Oh,
I got some magic water, Father, the boy innocently replied. "See," and
*poof* went another ant.
"In my church," says the priest, "we have some magic water too."
"Oh Yeah," says the kid, "can it turn ants into water, too?" "No,"
says the priest, "but I rubbed it on a lady's stomach and she passed a
baby."
"Big deal!" says the kid. "I squirted some of this under my cat's
tail the other day, and he passed a motorcycle!"

YYYYY

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to
lose my fucking ass."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the
blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose
my fucking car."

YYYYY

Q: How do the Greeks separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crow bar.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson send $50,000 to "Boys to Men"?
A: He thought it was an escort agency.
Q: What does woman do with her arsehole while she's having a fuck?
A: She leaves him home.
Q: Why did the sweet little girl fall off of the swing?
A: She had no arms.
Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Is She A Virgin?

A fellow talking to his friend says, "How can I tell if my girl is a
virgin ?"
Friend tells him, "You have to wait till your wedding night, you show it
to her and ask what it is. If she calls it a penis, she's a virgin. If
she says it's a cock, she's been around."
So the guy gets married, and in the hotel room he flips it out to her
and says "What is this?"
"That's a penis!" she replies.
"Great," he sighs, "I thought you were going to call it a cock."
"Of course not! A cock is twice as big!!"
__________________________________

Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?" "You're in a
hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to
wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us
everything you remember."
"Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on
the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both
putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had
overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it
was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there,
and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear. "That was the last thing I
remember.
__________________________________

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q: What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?
A: You make new friends every day.
Q: What's the difference between men and hogs?
A: A hog won't spend 20 bucks on drinks just so he can fuck some pig.
Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
A: If you're eating pussy and it tastes like shit.

 

[melody]

Truisms

Behind every successful man, there is a great woman and behind every great woman, there is a smart guy staring at her butt.

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.

A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.

Chess players mate better.

Excuses are like asses: everyone has em and they all stink.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg do not find nuts.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK.

Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.

The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night.

I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed.

Prostitution is a hole sale business.

A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

It is good for woman to meet man in park, but better for man to park meat in woman.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

I'm not attracted by a girl's mind ... But by what she doesn't mind.

Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early kill people.

Gettin' married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's
troublesome.

Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a
while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually
enjoying it.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.

Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does
milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them!!

You're not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing!

Forgive your enemies but remember their names

The Top 10 Home Penis-Enlargement Techniques

10. Really grippy pliers.

9. A couple dozen layers of duct tape, a coating of Bondo, and
some tan spray paint.

8. Insert bicycle tire pump to the business end and inflate to 35 psi.

7. Just pull on it a couple hundred times each day while staring
at your computer monitor. Hasn't worked yet, but I'm sticking
with it anyway.

6. Inject a solution of warm water and active dry yeast, and keep in a
warm location.

5. Finally put that taffy-pulling machine to good use.

4. Place penis on flat surface, apply hammer until member has swollen
to desired size.

3. Break off your relationship with Lorena Bobbitt.

2. Tie a string around it, then tie the other end to your dog's
leash before taking him for his walk.

1. Daily workouts with your "Wienersize!" videotape.

The Not So Well Documented Side Effects Of Viagra

1. At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a
meeting the table floats;

2. You begin to look at the dog with interest;

3. Your face is very pale due to lack of blood;

4. When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin
to call you "The Tripod";

5. You begin to think your mother-in-law is pretty;

6. Sunbathing nude outside standing, birds perch on it; Sunbathing nude
outside lying down, you look like a sundial;

7. Everyone at the bank, grocery store etc....lets you go to the front
of the line;

8. Compared to you Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar;

9. You always lose limbo contests;

10. Lewinsky wants you to be President someday;

11. You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick;

12. You sleep on your back so you had to remove the ceiling fan.

 

[melody]

A Little Girl's Question

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she
is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When
he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with
her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask
this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner
would be ready in just a couple of secs."
========
A man left work one Friday afternoon.
But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting
with the boys & spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted
by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a
tirade about his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him "How
would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by & he didn't see his wife. Tuesday & Wednesday
came & went and he didn't see her.
On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could
see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
========
Three blondes walk into a building you'd think one of them would've
seen it!

========

For any of you out there who is trying to conceive and using one of
those home pregnancy tests and can't quite figure out the results,
here's a handy little reference guide.

EPT (early pregnancy test) -
Blue means not pregnant.
Pink means pregnant.
Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.

Brown Balls

A father of 17 kids goes to the doctor with a rash on his belly.
" All right" says the Doc, "drop 'em and let's have a look."
Having been
confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims. "Yes. you've got a bad
rash there, but my word what brown balls you've got. They're truly
remarkable!"
The patient is a bit embarrassed and says. "Look Doc. what
about the rash?"
"Oh that's easy." said the Doc. :Here's some cream to
rub on. By the way those brown balls are amazing, may I ask..."
"No said
the patient. "You can't. Now, is that all, Doc?"
Well," said the
Doctor," You could stop the rash from coming back with a bit better
hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those
really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"
The guy goes home and
tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day,
"What?" she yells. Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to
chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy
after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be joking. I
haven't even had time to wipe my ass!"
"Ah," he said. "And that's
another thing I wanted to talk to you about."
________

A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was
telling his friend all about his experience.

Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized.

Friend: How so ?

Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food.
They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs.
They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee.
Then there was the head nurse...
________

A young girl sneaks into the bathroom, and sees her father in the
shower. Naturally, she is curious and asks what his testicles are.
"those are the apples of the tree of life" he tells her, by way of
poetic concealment. Impressed, the girl then repeats this information to
her mother, who replies, "did he say anything about the dead branch
they're hanging on?"

 

[melody]

The Husband Died

The day after Mrs. Lillycrap's husband died, she received a call from the undertaker.

He told her he could not close her husband's casket because he died with an
enormous hard-on.

Mrs. Lillycrap told the undertaker she would be right down to fix the problem.

When she arrives, Mrs. Lillycrap produced a meat cleaver from her purse and
wacked of her husband's pecker.

As she was leaving, the undertaker asked what she was going to do with the pecker.

She exclaimed " I'm going to take it home and cook this damn thing!"

Puzzled, the undertaker asked "why?"

Mrs. Lillycrap said, " I've eaten this thing raw for 40 years,
now I want to see how it tastes cooked!"

=====

"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have
every flavor ice cream in the world? O.K., I would like three
scoops of pussy flavored ice cream, please."

"No problem, sir."

The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone
and the man takes a good lick. Grimacing, he says, "This
doesn't taste like pussy, it tastes like shit!"

The assistant replies, "Of course it tastes like shit when you
take such long licks!"
=====

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
So what's your question?

=====

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

The Top 10 Home Penis-Enlargement Techniques

10. Really grippy pliers.

9. A couple dozen layers of duct tape, a coating of Bondo, and
some tan spray paint.

8. Insert bicycle tire pump to the business end and inflate to 35 psi.

7. Just pull on it a couple hundred times each day while staring
at your computer monitor. Hasn't worked yet, but I'm sticking
with it anyway.

6. Inject a solution of warm water and active dry yeast, and keep in a
warm location.

5. Finally put that taffy-pulling machine to good use.

4. Place penis on flat surface, apply hammer until member has swollen
to desired size.

3. Break off your relationship with Lorena Bobbitt.

2. Tie a string around it, then tie the other end to your dog's
leash before taking him for his walk.

1. Daily workouts with your "Wienersize!" videotape.

The Not So Well Documented Side Effects Of Viagra

1. At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a
meeting the table floats;

2. You begin to look at the dog with interest;

3. Your face is very pale due to lack of blood;

4. When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin
to call you "The Tripod";

5. You begin to think your mother-in-law is pretty;

6. Sunbathing nude outside standing, birds perch on it; Sunbathing nude
outside lying down, you look like a sundial;

7. Everyone at the bank, grocery store etc....lets you go to the front
of the line;

8. Compared to you Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar;

9. You always lose limbo contests;

10. Lewinsky wants you to be President someday;

11. You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick;

12. You sleep on your back so you had to remove the ceiling fan.

 

[melody]

Would I Like To Have Sex With You?

I'd rather ...

Masturbate with a cheese grater.

Slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.

Stick my genitals in a beehive.

Crush my foreskin between two tables whilst being bitch whipped
by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.
Have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.

Sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

Dry fuck a polar bear in a phone booth.

Cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.

Try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter... and not a twist off either.

Poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass with a short stick.

Stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass and jog a mile.

Watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.
Have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to
put over his head.

-=-=-=-=-=

The 15 year old girl is going on her first date, and her mother warns her not to let the boy put his hands up her dress.

The girl agrees, and the mother is reassured that her daughter will not let the boy put his hands up her dress.

The boy and girl go out, and after a movie and a nosh they are parked in lover's lane.

He makes a move and tries to put his hands up her dress.

She stops him once, twice and three times.

He's all disappointed.

Then she tells him why, "I promised my mother that I wouldn't let you put your hands up my dress.

But, you can put your hands down the back of my dress, and it's the second hole you come to!"

Ex-Wive's Descriptions

Any of you guys have an ex-wife out there that might fit these
descriptions....

*She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
*She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
*She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
*She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
*She's turned more tricks than Houdini has.
*She's been in more motel rooms than the Bible.
*She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
*She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
*She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins has.
*She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
*She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare has.
*She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
*She's spent more time under men than barstools.
*She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
*She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
*She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
*She's had more marines land on her bed than on Iwo Jima.
*Hoover classifies her tongue as a vacuum cleaner.
*Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
*Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
*She has an IUD with a beeper!
*She uses industrial strength douche.
*Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
*Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
*Her pantyhose has a pet door.
*She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook her for the
*Holland Tunnel.


Two morticians are sitting around at the end of the day:
"Did you see that cute redhead they brought in yesterday?"
"Yeah, she was really something!"
"Did you see the clit on that girl?"
"Yeah, it was like a pickle!"
"Well, it wasn't that big . . ."
"No, but it was that sour!"

 

[melody]

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"Oh, my God!!" says the doctor, " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant."
The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin, tis hole is enormous."
Patient replies "He fingered me first."


Little Suzie is sitting in a barber shop, eating a Hostess snack cake while the barber cuts her hair.
A customer passes by and says, "Sweetheart, you're getting hair on your Twinkie."
Little Suzie looks up with a big smile and said, "I know, and I'm getting tits, too!"


Your mama's so fat . . .
She pulled her panties down to her ankles and she still had cunt in them!

Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife.

Yo mama's so greasy, she squeezes Crisco from her hair to bake cookies.

Yo mama's so bald, when she puts on a turtle neck she looks like a roll on deodorant.


One day two gay homosexuals, Bruce and Bill started to run low on
money and they agreed to both go looking for a job. Then next day
Bruce comes in and says I have a job but I have to get up early in
the morning. So Bruce and Bill cut out their usual sex night that
night.
The next morning Bruce gets up and Bill is not around. Then Bruce
takes a shower and gets ready to go to work. He comes down stair
and sees Bill masturbating in a brown paper bag. Bruce says,
"Bill what are you doing?" Bill reply's "I am packing your lunch!"


A worried young man from Stamboul,
Found lots of red spots on his tool,
Said the doctor a cynic, "Get out of my clinic!",
Just wipe off the lipstick you fool!"


In the garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth, For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and HE'D had em.

Top Ten Things Men Would Do If They Woke Up And Had A Vagina For A Day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if he could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross his legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men did when they woke up with a vagina...Finally find that damned spot.

o0o0o0o0o0

Holemak Cards : What Hallmark Doesn't Print!

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look
at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked
at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's
a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But
don't fret about it, she moved in with me.

7. You totaled your car and can't remember why. Could it
have been, that whole case of Bud Dry?

o0o0o0o0o0

The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has syphilis." The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?" The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."

 

[melody]

Oral Sex - An Ode To Love

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag,
And what revenge, you're on the rag!

Eating out and chowing down,
but tonight I'm not out on the town.
Tonight I'm served a seafood dish,
well at the least it tastes like fish.

Time to overcome my fears,
as she drags me down there by my ears,
to feast upon her hairy pie,
where pubes and stubble jab my eye.

She lies back and moans and then softly sighs,
I cant help thinking about scampi & fries.
Don't lick too low, move up a bit,
got to be careful or I'm in the shit.

Nibble, lick, caress and stroke,
the things I do just for a poke.
Up, down and right a bit,
where the hell does she keep her clit?

I'll never find it here like this,
fanny design just takes the piss.
To find my way around her twat,
I'll need a torch and miners hat.

I think my tongue is failing me,
Christ I hope she doesn't pee.
I've been licking her minge for years.
I wish I could breathe through my ears.

God I hope that she comes quick,
since my neck's developing a crick.
I'm sweating like I've got a fever,
under the covers, eating split beaver,

I must have hit the right spot at last,
cos' her screams are gaining volume fast,
her thighs clamp tight around my head,
and her screams scare the neighbors out of their bed.

She's coming at last and making a racket,
her thighs crushing my head like a discarded fag packet.
I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care,
that my mouth is full of fish flavored hair.

And that my face is smothered in thick fanny batter
and juices that taste like a seafood platter.
But she thinks it's funny, and starts taking the piss,
but she soon stops her laughing, when I move in for a kiss.

Shorties

A jolly young fellow named Hugh
Was arrested for saying, "Look. Snoo"
"What's snoo?" they would cry
And he'd always reply,
"Oh, nothin' much, what's snoo with you?"
__________

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between
the
two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

I beg to differ because, there is :

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ....
"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!
__________

They were on a cruise with some elementary school students when suddenly the boat sprung a leak and started sinking.

The priest said, "Quick! We have to save the children!"

The rabbi said, "Eh, fuck the children."

The priest looks at the rabbi and says, "Do we have enough time?"
__________

There once was a villain most feared,
Who tied a lass to a train track then leered,
But he tied her up wrong-ways,
Not cross-ways but long-ways,
And a forty car train disappeared!

There once was a lady named McBagg
And to all the ladies she did brag
"My breasts are sizeable,
And easily recognizable
I rarely have to wear a name tag."
___________

"The reason I like ****** Lori," the office snob remarked primly,
"is that she's on the up and up."

"And the reason, I like ****** Laura" his coworker replied, "is that
she's into the up and down, the in and out, the back and forth ...
you name it!"

 

[melody]

Did You Know?....

Did you know?..."Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking
about or having an erect penis.

Did you know?...According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the
most popular flavor of edible underwear. Chocolate is the least popular.

Did you know?...Marilyn Monroe, the most celebrated sex icon of the 20th
century, confessed to a friend that despite her three husbands and a
parade of lovers, she had never had an orgasm.

Did you know?...The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two
years.

Did you know?...14% of Americans have skinny-dipped with a member of the
opposite sex at least once.

Did you know?...According to a U.S. market research firm, the most
popular American bra size is currently 36C, up from 1991 when it was 34B.

Did you know?..."Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects
crawl on your genitals.

Did you know?...Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any
mammal.

Did you know?...Studies show that women who went to college are more
likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school
dropouts.

Did you know?...A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.

Did you know?...· In earlier times, masturbation was believed to lead to
blindness, madness, sudden death and other unpleasant diseases. Present
research, however, shows no connection.

Did you know?...The female bedbug has no sexual opening. To get around
this dilemma, the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the
female.

Did you know?...A man will ejaculate approximately 18 quarts of semen,
containing half a trillion sperm, in his lifetime.

Did you know?...The Geisha of Japan would not perform fellatio because
it was considered demeaning for the cultured to do so.

Did you know?...The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Did you know?...Sex is biochemically no different from eating large
quantities of chocolate.

Did you know?...Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.

Did you know?...For every 'normal' webpage, there are five porn pages.

Poor John

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off.
Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs!
Come back in four hours."

So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said,
"I got done faster than I expected to.

John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said,

"I finished early - John's down at the soccer field."
Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off.
Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."

So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said,
"I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

'''''
A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

[melody]

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, do you know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."
______

Mentally picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp,
cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the "world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.
The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the
person whose head you are holding under the water.
There now.......feeling better?
______

Q: Speaking of elephants, what does an elephant use for a vibrator?
A: An epileptic.

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died.

Q: Did you hear about the new all-black western movie that just came out?
A: It's called, "Ride, Motherfucker, Ride."
______

An extremely elderly couple went before a judge and sought a divorce. The judge read the paperwork and said, "Let me get this straight.
You have been married for 59 years and now you want a divorce? How do
you explain that?"
"Well, your honor," said the wife, "We knew the only decent thing
to do was to wait until all the kids had died first."
______

A little boy wearing a cowboy hat and toy sixguns walked into
an ice cream store and asked for a banana split. The girl waiting on
him said, "OK, would you like your nuts crushed?"
"Fuck no, lady! How would you like your tits shot off?"

@@@

I once knew this bloke from Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born
And he wouldn't have been
If his Father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn

bbbbb

One night a husband and wife were asleep in bed when the telephone suddenly rang.
The husband picked the phone up and said, "Hello? What? It's 2 am! What do you think I am, the fucking weatherman or something?" and slammed the phone down.
The wife looked over totally bewildered and asked, "Who was that?"
"I don't know," replied the husband, "It was just some stupid guy asking if the coast was clear!"

bbbbb

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When
she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue and collapsed."

bbbbb

Jerry was walking near a ladies fashion store when he observed this knockout blonde approaching him.
He says to the lady, "You are a gal with my favorite kind of legs!"
The blonde asks, "And just what kind of legs are they?"
Jerry says, " They have feet on one end and pussy on the other!"

 

[melody]

More Sexual Caloric Content

It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until
now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of
different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary"
research they are proud to present the results.


REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................................12 Calories
Without her consent...............................2187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands......................................8 Calories
With one hand.......................................12 Calories
With your teeth....................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection.....................................6 Calories
Without an erection...............................3315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary..........................................12 Calories
69 lying down.......................................78 Calories
69 standing up.....................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow........................................216 Calories
Doggy Style........................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier................................2912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real...............................................112 Calories
Fake..............................................1315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................................18 Calories
Getting up immediately..............................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately..........816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years.........................................36 Calories
30-39 years.........................................80 Calories
40-49 years........................................124 Calories
50-59 years.......................................1972 Calories
60-69 years.......................................7916 Calories
70 and over...........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly..............................................32 Calories
In a hurry..........................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..............5218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.............13,521 Calories

Results may vary.


Q. Did you hear about the gay guy that's on the patch?
A. He's down to four butts a day.

Q. What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
A. They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

Q. Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A. He found a hare up his ass.

Q. Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
A. So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse.

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.

Weekly Friday Show

To the couple fucking on the third floor apt across the street from my office:

We at X Associates would like to thank you for your weekly Friday show. every Friday at 4 we can count on you to get it on and on and on.

I must admit my surprise in a city full of skyscrapers that someone in a third floor apt in midtown doesn't see the need for window coverings of any sort especially when there is a 17 floor office building across the street.

I only can assume you are feeling the need to keep up with the porn shop that opened up on the first floor of your building. though I question your intelligence I applaud your lusty lifestyle.

Last weeks super freaky positions sex was great fun. all the engineers here are still trying to work out the logistics on a couple of those positions, and we are fairly sure that one of them is physically impossible due to the stresses it would put on the female body.

This weeks theme seems to be speed fucking from behind...and was that a third person in the room we saw, we aren't sure but oh what randy fun. and once again we are amused, and titillated.

You have no idea what a welcome break you bring when the call comes from that side of our office that the fuckers are at it again.

The cubicles clear out and you have 20 some odd men, and one woman (me) pressed against the windows.

As much as we enjoy the current show we do have some ideas that could really bring it to the next level of enjoyment for your adoring viewers.

1. Invest in some kind of glare free glass for the window. the glare gets nasty on overcast days like today and we could barely make out who was slapping who on the ass.

2. Move a bit closer to the window...not too close, just say a foot. this give us the viewer the premium viewing situation.

3. Man...get rid of the chubby girl, from certain angles well she is just too much woman for us.

4. Sex against the window, just think about the fun that would be had for all, you then could see us we could see you, it would be a wonderous intimate act for the 25 of us.

5. Maybe add one more show a week, I know last week you did a bonus wednesday show and it went over great, it really warmed us up for friday.

I would really like once again to thank you on behalf of us all here at X Associates. you make what is the best day of the work week here even better, because nothing can beat seeing two young people as yourself fuck like monkeys right before we leave this hellhole for the weekend.

 

[melody]

Loving Valentines from Us Gals to You Guys

You say you would like to screw me.
You say I make you drool.
But when it comes to making love
you suck and I'd rather use my mechanical tool.

You understand how to make me moan, how to make me squirm.
But when it comes to your dick; it feels more like a little worm.

Size DOES matter. I don't care what they say.
So please do both of us a favor and just go away.

Making love should be grand. It should make my heart to thump.
But all I usually get out of it is just feeling you hump!

Our relationship is over, it's kaput, its at the very end.
You're a really bad fuck. I'm moving on to you best friend.

I've had relationships before boyfriends one and two.
They're dead now, but their still better at making love than you.

You get it up, you put in, you go off and then you pull it out.
I'll never have sex with you again you shitty lout!

Broad shoulders you have; a small waist and a really nice firm ass.
But you're too much in love with yourself so I think I'll have to
pass.

Having sex with you has left me empty and bitter.
I'd rather do it with the ugly guy next door .
I'm his baby sitter.

I'd like to have sex with you. You're built like a big stud horse.
But you're so damn ugly; I'd have to put a paper bag over your face
of course.

I wouldn't mind having sex with you. You're tender, gentle and kind.
But when someone's so ugly that it'd take two bags . that's where I
draw the line!

iiiii

A girl was telling her date about her old boyfriend, and while doing

so was stroking her beer bottle up and down many times. Finally her

date has had enough and says, " You're always thinking about him.
Why don't you think about me once in a while?"
"OK!" she says and starts stroking the top two inches of her bottle.

iiiii

There was a young fellow of Harrow
Whose john was the size of a marrow.
He said to his tart,
"How's this for a start?
My balls are outside in a barrow."

Strip Joint

Pete was sitting near the stage of a strip joint when the
girl came out and began dancing. Suddenly, as she began unzipping
her dress, a man sitting behind Pete shouted, "Take it off, Baby!"
causing Pete's ears to ring from the volume. Pete turned to the
guy and scowled at him.
"Sorry," the man apologized.

Later as she began unhooking her bra the guy behind Pete
again loudly yelled, "Take it off, Baby!" and again earned a
scowl.
"Sorry," the man apologized again.

And yet once more when she began to slip down her panties
the air erupted with a bellowing, "Take it off, Baby!"
Which, when met with the customary scowl resulted in
another, "Sorry."
The act ended when the dancer ripped off her g-string,
this time accompanied only by silence. "Hey, pal," Pete said
sarcastically, "where's your great enthusiam now, huh?"
"All over the back of your head."

-----

A women, gasping for her last breath on her deathbed,
whispered a confession to her husband who was by her bedside.
"Dear, before I die I must tell you something. It was I who stole
the $50,000 from your safe. I spent it on a ritzy fuckfest with
the mailboy at your office. And it was I who got your cheap whore
mistress secretary to skip town by bribing her to leave you. And
it was I who snitched you off for evasion to the IRS. Can you
find it in your heart to forgive me before I go?"
"Yes, dear," he smiled. "After all, it was I who poisoned
you."

-----

Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring
into their drinks. One got a curious look on his face and asked,
"Hey, Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."

 

[melody]

The Glass Eye

A man living on the second storey of an apartment block was leaning out of the window one morning to check whether it was raining when a glass eye suddenly fell into his hand. Looking up, he saw a girl peering down from four stories above. "Is this yours?" he called out. "Yes," she replied. "Hold on," he said. "I'll bring it up to you." So he took the glass eye up to the girl's apartment. She invited him in and they started chatting. Not only was she extremely grateful to him but she also found him incredibly attractive and so she asked him out to dinner that evening. He readily accepted. The meal was a great success and afterwards she suggested they go back to his place and go to bed. She stayed the night and when she left the following morning, he said: "I'm sorry but I have to ask. Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

=====

A young couple were banging away like there was no
tomorrow, when the boy stopped and asked the girl to spread her
legs farther apart, which she eagerly did, anticipating more of his
enthusiastic vigor. Instead, he timidly asked her to spread her
legs even farther apart. She said, "Why? What are you trying to
do, ram your balls inside me?"
"No. I've already done that. Now I am trying to get them
back out."

======

Q: How can you tell that the letter you received came from a leper
colony?
A: Because there is a tongue stuck to the stamp.

Q: What do you call 1,000 lesbians armed with rifles?
A: Militia Etheridge.

Q: Can you identify the functional difference between a Jewish
American Princess and poverty?
A: Poverty sucks.

What I've Learned From Watching Porn...

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream
with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with
sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy fucks.

11. People in the 70s couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo
in
the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl
isn't
disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes,
the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove
your
cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she'll
only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to
remind
her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
trousers
and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand
firmly
on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his
hip.

 

[melody]

Standing At The Urinal

Darrell was standing at a urinal in a bar bathroom when this
enormous guys walks in, unzips his pants and exposes the biggest
dick in the world -- four feet long, five inches thick and violently
red and angry.

The monster looks at Darrell, grabs his huge dick with both hands,
like holding a baseball bat, and gives it an almighty swing,
smashing the porcelain sink to pieces!

He growls and leers at the now frightened Darrell, looks around and
with another almighty swing, smashes the condom vending machine
right off the wall!

After another hideous growl he slams his huge dick against the side
of the urinal several times, bending the stainless steel into
contorted shapes!

All of a sudden he stops, looks Darrell straight in the eye and
shouts, "The next place this porcelain smashing, vender bending,
urinal destroyer is going... is up your ass buddy!"

With that, Darrell lets out a sigh of relief and says, "Thank God
for that, I thought you were going to HIT me with it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An acquaintance of my dear friend

Put a rodent into his hind end.

Though you might think it queer

He was one Ricky Gere,

And he loves to feel that f*cker squirm in his arse.


There once was a man from Kansas,

Who's nuts were made out of brass

In stormy weather,

he'd clack them together

and lightning shot out of his ass


There once was a man from Havana
Screwed a girl on a player piano
At the height of their fever
Her ass hit the lever
And Yes he has no banana...

Tips on how to Masturbation

If you're a girl
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss
container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.

2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're
comfortable.

4) Put your feet up on something. Make sure they are higher than
your head. Spread your legs.

5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there.
Think about nothing. And DON'T BE NERVOUS.

6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts.
Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make
sure you're not focusing on anything)

7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down
to your thigh.
Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.

8) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or
your object of choice. Your clit might start to get a weird feeling
like you really want to touch it. DON'T.

9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between
your poop hole and vagina. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin
to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you
know where it is before you start all this.)

10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard
yet.

11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get
going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the
teasing, very gently.

12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but
just finger it softly.

13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand.
Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit
harder. (That's the spot above the hole)

14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet.
It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a
sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and
keep going.

15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your
pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it
all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start
massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the
brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.

16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth
hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit
again.

17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out
for longer than 30 seconds, I suggest you excite yourself again with
the teasing. Since you have already done it, you're going to want
it worse.

18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to
something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore
after this but you shouldn't be unless you used something large.

If you're a boy
1)Read this.

2)Rub penis.