JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Politically Correct

Notification to all staff regarding language:
Due to the politically correct movement, employees of this store must change the language they use in the presence of customers. The following is a translation list for employee reference:

*No fucking way - I’m fairly sure that’s not feasible
*You’re fucking kidding - Really?
*Who the fuck are you - Hi, we haven’t met..
*Tell someone who gives a fuck - Have you run that by..
*No cunt told me - I wasn’t involved in that project
*You don’t know shit - You seem perplexed
*What the fuck do you want? - Hello, may I help you?
*She’s a ball-busting bitch - She’s assertive
*This place is fucked - We’re a bit disorganized today
*Stick it up your arse - No thanks
*You’re a fucking wanka - You are my supervisor and I respect you
*You fat fucking loser - Gee, that was unfortunate
*I don’t give a shit - I’ll certainly think it over

uuuuu

Mary had a little snatch,a teeny tiny hole.

Johnny couldn’t fit it in, his massive manly pole.

He greased her up, squirmed and shoved, and pinched her little tit,

But nothing seemed to work for him, the damn thing would not fit!

So Mary drank a lot of wine, and smoked a little grass,

And just as she was passing out, he shoved it up her ass!

uuuuu

Q. Why do women enjoy giving blow jobs?
A. They know it's about the only time that they can get anything
straight in their heads.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the
Profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who
had practically nothing on?
A. When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron.

Q. What do vampires use as snack crackers?
A. Scabs.

@@

There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini

@@

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."

@@

A young bride was once heard to say,
"Oh, dear, I'm wearing away!"
"The inside of my thighs,"
"Look just like mince pies,"
"For my husband won't shave everyday!"

@@

There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly!

@@

There was once a girl from Sri Lanka,
Whose cunt was as big as a tanker,
You could go for a swim, In the depths of her quim,
And you needed a lamp post to wank her.

@@

Mary, Mary, quite contrary.
How does your garden grow?
"Listen, you prat.
I live in a flat.
How the fuck should I know?"

@@

There once was a lady from France
Who took a long train ride by chance.
The engineer fucked her
before the conductor.
while the fireman came in his pants.

@@

There once was a girl from Lahore
Who’d lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny,
she’d wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls to the core.

@@

Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.

@@

She looked so fair, in the midnight air,
With the wind blowing up her nightie...
Her tits hung loose, like the balls of a moose,
Jesus Christ Almighty...
The nipples on her tits were as big as my thumb,
The wiggle of her ass could make a dead man come,
She sucks like a vacuum, and she's real fucking dumb,
She's the girl for me.

 

[melody]

Unwinding

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The
man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On
the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband
with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney
fall on her little nosey- wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate
sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her
bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on
her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and
says, "Clumsy bitch."

====================

Q: What's more disgusting than a love bite on a haemorrhoid?
A: The bloke that put it there!

Q: How is a faggot like a pretty girl?
A: They both only fuck assholes!

Q: What's 4x3?
A: Twice the age of my girlfriend!

====================

A Pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all
his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down
in one go.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately
spat it out.
"Yuck, it's bloody shit!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can
drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying
myself every night!"

A Long Journey

This guy jumps on a train and is going on a long journey to a city.
Anyway he sits down next to this old lady who is holding this jar full
of oysters.

The train speeds off, and during the journey the guy starts to get a
bit hungry and is starting to eye off the jar full of oysters. He is
just about to give up on the idea of asking the granny for some of her
oysters when she falls asleep. The guy sees his chance, and waits for
the best opportunity to grab the jar off the granny.

The train flies into a tunnel, the guy grabs the jar carefully off the
granny. He opens the jar and drinks down some of the oysters. They taste
a bit funny but it settles his hunger a bit. He carefully puts the jar
back in the grannies hand, and she keeps on sleeping not noticing a thing.

The guy settles back for an hour, until he started getting hungry again.
The old lady is still asleep, and he sees no problem in eating more of
her oysters. So he slyly grabs the jar off her, and drinks down the rest
of its contents. He throws the jar out the window, thinking "what the hey,
she'll probably forget that she had the jar of oysters".

Ten minutes later the old lady wakes up and starts coughing. A very
violent cough. She looks around, and finally says in a rough voice,
"Okay, who stole my phlem jar?".

====================

Q: What is the definition of Gross?
A1: Kissing your grandmother and she slips you the tongue.
A2: Biting into a hot dog and it has veins.
A3: When you throw your undies at the wall, and they stick.
A4: You're sitting on you grandfather's lap and he pop a boner.
A5: Your little brother has lost his scab collection and you're
eating his corn flakes.
A6: Finding a string in your bloody mary.
Q. What's the definition of "bonus?"
A. You're fucking a pregnant woman and the fetus gives you a blow job.
Q : What's got 2 legs and bleeds?
A : Half a dog.
Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them

 

[melody]

John Was Desperate

After many years at sea, John returned to his home village while
on leave. He hadn't had a woman for may years and was desperate.

He immediately searched for a brothel. After searching, he finds
a suitable establishment.

After entering the brothel, he asks the madam how much for a
woman.

$100 she replies 'I can't afford that, I only have $50 'I'm
sorry sir but we have nothing for as little as $50 'But please
help me.. I'm desperate... I have been at sea for many years....
I need a woman... any woman!' The lady thinks for a moment and
grins to herself.

'Well if you are that desperate... go to room 23 down the
hallway.' Grateful to the madam, he searches for room 23.

He finally finds the room and enters. Inside he discovers the
most grotesque woman alive. Spots on her face, greasy hair etc.

'How do you want me luv?' 'Errr, on your back with your legs in
the air!' When she lays on her back and parts her legs, he is
horrified to see crabs running in between her legs.

'Yuck, I ain't doing that'

'Well, I can turn on all fours!' she replies

'Ok' says the man and immediately she gets on all fours.

'Oh my god... you have shit all over your arse.. that's sick'

'Well there is one more way we can do this.'

'Is there?' he asks

'Yeah...' and she removes an eye from its socket. 'Stick your
dick in there... go on!' He places his dick in the empty socket
and starts pumping hard.

Minutes later he orgasms violently.

'That was fantastic... how 'bout you?' 'Great... when will you
be in town next?'

'In about 2-3 years time!'

'Great, I'll keep an eye out for you then!'


A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first
time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He
tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her
and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's
so tight I can barely take it."

She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little
easier."

He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she
returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He
slides in again, and this time it's much easier.

"Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in
there?"

"Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the fucking scabs..."

Plastered

A husband is in the habit of coming home plastered to the gills each
night and each night he throws up in the bathroom sink.
His wife warns him each time, that one of these days, he will puke his
guts out. He of course pays no attention. The wife is so disgusted with
his behavior, that she decides to play a little joke on him.
While her husband is out drinking one night, she searches the highways
for roadkill. She places a bunch of dead animal guts in the bathroom
sink and waits for the return of her inebriated husband.
He comes home, drunk as usual, and as usual pukes in the bathroom sink.
He comes to bed but is more quiet than normal. She asks him if anything
is wrong. He says, "Honey, you were right. It finally happened.
I puked my guts out in the sink."
She can barely contain her laughter at this point.
He continues on to say, "But with the help of the good Lord and a
spoon, I got em all back in!"

-----------

Interview with Tarzan
Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.

Interviewer: Name?
Tarzan: Me Tarzan
...Interviewer: Married?
Tarzan: Wife Jane
Interviewer: Children?
Tarzan: Son boy
Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle
Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name
Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy

-----------

Little Freddy was puzzled as to his origin.
"How did I get here, Mommy?"
His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."
"And did God send YOU, too Mommy?"
"Yes, Freddy, He did."
"And GRANDMA and GREAT GRANDMA and DADDY, too?"
Again the answer was "Yes, Freddy, He did." Little Freddy shook
his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there's been no
*fucking* in this family for 100 years?!?!?
No wonder everyone is so cranky!"

 

[melody]

Water Department

RING!

Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave...

"Is this the water department?"

Yes Ma'am, for most of this area...

"Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the
water"

I'll try and help...

"Why are my nipples getting so hard?"

You're not really serious...

"I AM SO!! My nipples... they're hard and they have this white
coating on them!"

Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff...

"Not only that, they're getting warped!"

I see...

"They used to be soft, pink and round!"

I'm sure they were...

"Now they really look disgusting!"

I'm sure they do...

"So I want to know what you're going to do about this!"

I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with
your personal physician?

"Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was
from the water!"

I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing
this?

"He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that"

Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off?

"Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

Now I understand...

"Are you going to buy me new ones?"

Why would we do that?

"Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore.
He's been sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to
really suck..."

May I ask how old your baby is?

"He's six, going on seven"

Six... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old
for the bottle...

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!"

I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples?

"Since he was born"

Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in
the water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and they
are hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six
years...

"So! You are refusing to pay!

Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest
they might just be plain worn out.

"THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!"

There is really nothing more I can do for you...

"JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?"

Well, why don't you just run down to our main office. There you can
file an insurance claim...

"What good would that do? Will they give me the money?"

They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or
not...

"Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay
more attention than you have?"

Just show them your nipples!!

(She has to be blonde, right?)
__________

Drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "'Scuse me,
but do you have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you?'"

The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I
don't have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you.'"

"Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, "but I think
I just wiped my ass with your parrot."

_________

Q: What's the difference between a child molester
and a fucking freak?
A: Political correctness.

Q: What does a Jewish woman say just before she has an orgasm?
A: "Sorry Mom, but I have to hang up now!"

Q: Why are blondes like Corn Flakes?
A: Because they're simple, they're easy, and they taste good!

Q: What's the most common cause of hearing loss among men?
A: His wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Q: How long did it take to fill the red sea?
A: A very long period.

Little Johnny's Snack

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher
brought around cookies for snack time.
"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and
scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.
When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide
behind the curtain until snack time came around.
As she came to Little Johnny she again said to him,
"Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother,
"See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So?" said his mother,
"Don't fucking give him one."

o0o0o0

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost.

Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.

He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they're both deaf.

She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"

o0o0o0

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend.

She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling.

The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any near it!"

 

[melody]

Beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked
for a show of hands from those who could use the word
"beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My
father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful
in it."
Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful
banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the
dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
_________

A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed wrong and
connected with an auto mechanic instead.

She asked, "Do you have two lips and seven kisses?"

...He said, "No..But I have two balls and seven inches."

She responded, "Is that a record?"

He said, "No...But it's a damn good average"
_________

Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just
kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart since it was already so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to
someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the
heart would be.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.

Horny Superman

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny.

So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where
He could get a bit of action.

"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder woman is the
Best sex in Comic land.

Why don't you try her?", replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonder woman and I are friends.

So I don't really want to take advantage of her."

"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to
Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when
He saw the Green Lantern patching up a building.

He flew down. "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action.

You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comic land?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder woman
Is far and away the best lay in Comic land, why don't you try her?"

"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said,
"but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much"
And he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when
He saw Wonder woman lying naked, in the middle of the field,
With her legs apart and up in the air.

Superman was tempted.

He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet,
I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here."

So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.

Wonder woman stared up into the sky with a dazed _expression.

"What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off,
"but my ass is killing me."

@@@

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me.
Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!"
The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse!
Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?"
Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor,
I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom,
HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"
The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going through the change!"

 

[melody]

Rules To Determine If Sex Counts

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex
counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if
you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following
day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more
sex, doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another
thing you share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave
my legs for this", doesn't count

7. An old flame, doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a
"pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the
same, sorry, not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex,
BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't
count

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant
other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a
skeleton in the family closet "...not cheating

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why
should it, it was public, right?)

17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified
masturbation"

18. In car, doesn't count, way too cramped, if vehicle is
in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts,
way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act
was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter
did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't
count

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not
been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control)
doesn't count

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count
(not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't
count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are
angry with your significant other doesn't count

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't
count, this should be considered "getting acquainted".

26. An act with a US President doesn't count, unless the
Senate votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered
career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

A Dwarf And Turner Brown

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You’re the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown.” The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I’m 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.” The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said ‘Turn Around’.”

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

 

[melody]

Dying Of Thirst

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're
walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and
knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady
answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and
begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then
sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The
second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man
outside. The women says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it
only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and
sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her
with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes
and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally
satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some
water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the
women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that
buttered corn."


Mrs. Jones, can Billy come out and play?
Now, Children, you know he has leprosy.
Well, can we come in and watch him rot?

Q. What's the definition of self-destruct?
A. An epileptic leper.

Q. Why did the brothel outside the leper colony close?
A. Business kept dropping off.
Q. How do you get a leper?
A. Throw meat pies at a skeleton

Q: What do you call an epileptic fag?
A: A vibrator.
Q: Why are faggots so generous?
A: They don't know how to be tightarsed.

Q: Why do men have nipples?
A: So fags will know what they're missing.

Q: What does a lesbian get every twenty-eight days?
A: A free meal.

Tiny Miserable Baby

A woman marched into the doctors office with a tiny miserable baby that
was howling at the top of its lungs and demanded," Do something about
this baby".

After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was
malnourished. He's obviously not getting enough milk," he said
sternly. "is he being breast fed?”

"Yes," replied the woman.

"Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off."

The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough
breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at
some length.

Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a
problem. "You aren't producing any milk at all."

"Of course not," she responded." It's my sister's kid,"

"Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement.

"I didn't," she replied, "until you started sucking on the other tit."

HHHHH

A Fairy told a married couple:
"For being such an exemplary Married couple for 25 years, I will give
you each a wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband"
said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets appeared
in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:

"Well......this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this
only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is......to have a wife 30 years younger than me"

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.

The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!...

Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Men might be bastards But Fairies are Female!

 

[melody]

Cyber Sex
(Keeper)

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see
below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an
online chat
doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he
does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are
36-24-36.
What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart. I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells
funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your
eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to
fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My
soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's
stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breasts. My
nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's
the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked
bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture
frames
and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at
it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: (logged off)

Guest Application For Jerry Springer Show

Personal Information:

Name___________ Nickname______________ CB

Handle______________

Yore Mama______________ Yore Daddy (if known)________________

Spouse's Name_________________

Relationship to spouse: __Sister __Brother__Mother__Father __Pet
__Aunt __Uncle ___ Several of the above

Occupation: ___Unemployed Mechanic ___Gun Show

Dealer___Skinhead

Number of Children in Household___ Number that are yours___

Circle Highest Level of Education: 1 2 3 4 How many times each grade___________

How Far is Your Mobile Home From a Paved Road: ___1mi. __5 mi. ___?

Number of Times You Have Survived a Tornado: ___

Number of Vehicles Owned___ Number on Cement Blocks___

Number Repossessed___

Truck Equipment: ___Gun Rack ___Spit Cup ___Fuzzy Dice ___Rebel Flag
___Naked Woman Mudflaps ___NWO and/or NRA sticker

Weapons Owned: ___Tire Iron ___Pick Handle ___Beer Bottle ___Shotgun

Number of Dogs Owned: ___

Number of Homemade Tattoos:___

Which of the Following Appliances are in your Front Yard:
___Friggerator ___Heatin Stove ___Warsher ___TV ___Freezer

How Many of the Above Appliances Work: ___

Fav-o-rite Recreation: ___Drinkin ___Cow Chip Throwin ___Possum Huntin
___Crawdad Huntin ___Scratchin ___Watchin Wrasslin

If You Can Read, Which Magazines Do You Prefer:
___Soap Opera Digest ___NWA ___Rifle and Shotgun ___NWA
___TV Guide __National Enquirer ___True Confessions

Which Stinks Worse: ___Hogpen ___Outhouse ___Spouse

Can You Spell Your Last Name:___Yup ___Nope

Can You Remember Your Last Name: ___Yup ___Nope

Have You Ever Stayed Sober for More Than One Day: ___Yup ___Nope

Do You Know Any Words with More Than 4 Letters: ___Yup ___Nope

Which is Correct: ___"I Seed Him" or ___"I Seen Him"

How Many Cartons of Cigarettes Do You Smoke a Day? ___

Math Test: How Many Food Stamps Do the Following Cost?
___Six Pack ___Cigs ___Shotgun Shells ___Whore

Number of Times You've Seen: ___a UFO ___ Elvis___Elvis in a UFO

Health Questionaire: Which of the Following Do You Have?
___Head Lice ___B.O. ___Crabs ___Runny Nose___Boils

Can You Remember the Last Time You Bathed? ___Yup___Nope

Color of Teeth: ___Yellow ___Brown ___Black ___N/A

I hereby swear this is the trooth and sign my "X" on _________20__

 

[melody]

Both Sides Of The Story

Her side of the story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink.
I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have
been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised.
He didn't say
anything about it. The conversation was very slow, so I thought we should go
somewhere more intimate and talk privately.
We went to a restaurant and he
was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up. I started to wonder
whether it was me, or something else.
I asked him, and he said no.
I wasn't really sure. In the car, on the way back home, I said that I loved him
deeply. He just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that
meant because he didn't say it back.
We finally got home and I was wondering
if he was going to leave me! So, I tried to get him to talk, but he just
switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed.
After about 10 minutes, he joined me. To my surprise, we made love. He still seemed really distracted. Afterwards, I just wanted to confront him, but I cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really think he is seeing
someone else.

His side of the story:

The Mariners lost. Got laid though.

--------

Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog?
A: Right where you left him.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why did the guy buy his wife a fur coat and a vibrator?
A: So if she didn't like the fur coat, she could use the vibrator to fuck herself.

Q: Why do midgets' feet stink?
A: Because their feet are so close to their assholes.

Q: Which are the two best holes in a woman?
A: Her nostrils. Otherwise she could not breath while giving head.

Your Girlfriend Is Ugly When...

(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.

(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.

(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

(6) She makes onions cry.

(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.

Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.

The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

Q. What's the definition of gross?
A. When you go down on a pregnant woman and something grabs your tongue.
~~~
Daffynition - Virgin: a girl who doesn't give a fuck.

Q: Where do they post pictures of missing partial transsexuals?
A: On cartons of half-and-half.
Q: What is a birth control pill?
A: The OTHER thing a coed can put in her mouth to keep from
getting pregnant.

 

[melody]

Christmas Shopping

One snowy December, I was rushing around trying to get some last
minute Christmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking
very fondly of the Christmas season just then. It was dark, cold and
wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I
felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I
would probably need later on, so muttering under my breath, I
retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the missing receipt, I heard
a quiet sobbing nearby. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed
boy, who I guessed was about 12 years old. He was short and thin, and
had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect
him from the cold winter night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking
that he had gotten separated from his parents and was lost, I asked him
what was wrong. He told me his sad story - he said that he came from a
large family of three brothers and four sisters. His father had died
when he was 9 years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked 2
full time jobs, from which she made very little to support the family.

Nevertheless, she had skimped and saved $200 to buy Christmas gifts
for her children. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother
on the way to her second job, given the money and told to buy presents
for the kids and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even
entered the mall, however, when an older boy grabbed one of the $100
bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

"I did." said the boy.

"And no one came to help you?" I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?'' I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard this poor boy's
cry for help. So I grabbed the other $100 and ran to my car.

Wedding Night

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile."

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."

Market Research

A market researcher came to a house and his knock was answered by a
young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions, and when she
agreed he asked her if she knew his company Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was
Vaseline, and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she
used it, the answer was "yes". When asked how she used it, she said,
"To assist sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question
because everyone who uses our product always tell me they use it for
the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use
it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me
exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
_____________
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape for your
age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went
out to the reception room and said:
"Jake do we still have intercourse?"
Jake answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told you a
thousand times... We have blue cross !!"
_____________
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
________________
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the
papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

 

[melody]

Victoria's Secret

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties to get Grandpa in the mood.
The sales lady talked her into buying a real nice, bright red crotchless pair.
Grandma put them on and waited for Grandpa to come home.
When Grandpa came home, Grandma was all laid out on the bed spread-eagle,
pointing down to the new crotchless panties she had on.
She said, "Come on Grandpa, you want some of this?"
Grandpa said, "Lord no, it done ate a hole in your panties."

^^^^^

Two old whores walking down the street

No coats on their back no shoes on their feet

Too old to screw

Too proud to suck

Two old whores shit out of luck

^^^^^

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she
and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she
wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "I went to the bathroom and
gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

^^^^^

Martha was having a heart to heart talk with her mom on her first visit
home since heading off to college.
"Mom, I have to tell you, I lost my virginity."
"Well, hon, I'm not surprised," consoled her mother. "It was bound to
happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable
experience."
"Well, yes, and no."
"What do you mean?"
"The first twelve guys felt great, but after them, my pussy got real
sore."

Melrose Place TV series Rules

1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep
with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait
around forever.
2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should
do both, often.
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a
fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large
glasses of straight vodka.
4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the
face, really hard.
5. Pretend you're pregnant.
6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun! 7. If marriage isn't
working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your
own death.
8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness. 9. Never base a
relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be
an integral part of any relationship.
10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure
to shut the door tightly on your way out.
11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking... or
have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in
some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and
try to choke you.
13. If you get fired, get drunk.
14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."
15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your
shirt and do it by the pool.
16. Randomly insult the people around you.
17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be
judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane
asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily
sedated.
18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even
better job at twice the salary.
19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked
you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of
times.
20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't
mean that you can't carpool to work with them.
_______

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey buddy - you know you have a steering wheel
sticking out of your crotch?"
The guy says, "Yeah - It's driving me nuts."

 

[melody]

The Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love.

Reading A Book

There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for
sleep and the husband put his bedlamp on and read a book. As he was
reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling
with her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and
went back to reading his book.
The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The
husband was confused and asked,
"What are doing taking all your gear off?". The wife replied, "You were
playing with my pussy. I though it was foreplay for something a bit
heavier".
The husband said, "No, not at all".
The wife then asked," Well, what were you doing then?". "Oh", he said,
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!".

o0o0o0

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every
time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on
for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and
yells. "You need more tail."
The father yells back "Fuck You, I told you yesterday I needed more tail
and you told me to go fly a kite".

o0o0o0

Jay went to a psychiatrist. "Doc, he said, "I've got trouble. Every time
I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed;
I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I'm going
crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink.
"Come to me three times a week and I'll cure you." "How much do you
charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll think about it."
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist. "For
a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars." "Is that
so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me.
I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel..."
==========
David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.
"Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored."
Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've
ever had."

"How so?" replies David.

Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said
she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said
no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green,
coughing like crazy and passes out."

"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."
==========
Why do blondes wear long hair?
To hide the air valve.
==========
How many Rednecks does it take to eat a meal?
Two, One to eat and
another to watch for cars.
===========
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
Why did they fire Ronald MacDonald?
They caught him giving Wendy a Whopper at Burger King!
==========
A guy goes into the doctor's office.
There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"
==========
What's the definition of a computer nerd?
A man who knows 4,560 ways to have sex, but doesn't know any girls.
==========
John is out in the country with his new bride.
They watch as a bull comes over the rise and bangs six cows in a row, one after the other.
His wife says, "It's a shame a man can't perform like that."
He says, "We could, if we got to change cows every time."
==========
Why do polish dogs have flat noses?
Because they chase parked cars.

 

[melody]

Johnny Go Deeper

There was once a boy named Johnny Go Deeper. He attended a school where his father was the principal, his mother was the vice principal, and his sister was an administrator. He stayed after class when the bell rang to speak with his teacher, Mrs. Johnson.

He began the conversation by saying. "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your shirt".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my shirt off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you.

So Mrs. Johnson removed her shirt.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your skirt".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my skirt off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson then removed her skirt.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your bra and panties".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my bra and panties off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson then removed her bra and panties.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please lay on the table".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny,I will not lay on the table".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson lays on the table.

So Johnny jumped on top of her and proceeded to try to penetrate her.

All of a sudden his mother walks in and yells "JOHNNY GO DEEPER"

So Johnny replies "I'm trying, I'm trying".
________

There was a young man from Calcutta,
Who peeped through a hole in a shutter,
But all he could see,
Was his wife's bare knee,
And the arse of the man who was up her.

I once met a girl called Miss Bish
Who had habits like tropical fish
She would fasten her lips
Close to ones hips
And swallow ones cum in small sips

There once was a clergyman's daughter,
Who detested the pony he bought her,
Till she found that his dong,
was as hard and as long,
As the prayers her father had tought her

She married a fellow named Tony,
Who soon caught her f***ing the pony,
He cried, "What's 'e got,
My dear, that I've not?!"
She sighed, "Just a yard long bologna."

Things Overheard At The STD Clinic

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a
public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for Sexually
Transmitted Diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two
decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate
I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and
my
face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell
you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiance and then douched with Lysol--feelin'
a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old
homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis
over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the
sores,
they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my
other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat
before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust
either
of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my
armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline
out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my
brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a
'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."

 

[melody]

A Sex Test For Rednecks

Answer the following questions with either True or False.

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels....True or False.

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems....True or False.

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.... True or False.

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack....True or False.

5. The clitoris is a type of flower....True or False.

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle....True or False.

7. Semen is a term for sailors....True or False.

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly....True or False.

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus....True or False.

10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit....True or False.

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Tulsa....True or False.

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish....True or False.

13. Coitus is a musical instrument....True or False.

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke....True or False.

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute....True or False.

16. A condom is a large apartment complex....True or False.

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir....True or False.

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry....True or False.

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle....True or False.

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote....True or False.

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East....True or False.

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass....True or False.

23. Pornography is the business of making records....True or False.

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin....True or False.

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve"....True or False.
_______________

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather
was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to
stay in a hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the
same room as his teacher.

In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by
the sight of Johnny standing right over her.

He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep.

She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said
okay.

Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she
said "NO"

"But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."

So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do."

A few minutes later the teacher says "OH. that's not my
bellybutton."

And Johnny says, "that's not my finger."

 

[melody]

Filthy Miscellaneous

The once was a girl named Straight
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder
Her twat, she needs to refrigerate.
~~~~~
There once was a lady from Wooster
Who dreamt that a man had seduced her
She awoke with a scream
To find was a dream
And a bump in the mattress had goosed her.
~~~~~
There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle
~~~~~
What did the little girl say to the lesbian pedophile?
Can I go to bed now mummy?
What did one pedophile say to the other?
Have you got two five's for a ten?
What's grosser then gross?
Siamese Twins joined at the mouth, and one of them throwing up.
How do you cook kidney's?
You have to boil the piss out of them.
~~~~~
Two guys are talking in a bar:
"I came home early last night and caught my wife having sex with my best friend in our bed!"
"What did you do?"
"I grabbed my wife by the hair and said 'that's it, you're outta here' and threw her out of the house."
"What did you do to your best friend?"
"I shook my finger at him and yelled 'bad dog! bad dog!'"
~~~~~
There once was a girl from the Azures
Whose cunt was all covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Used to eat the green meat
Which hung in festoons from her drawers
~~~~~
Q. What's the main difference between fucking a regular woman and fucking a woman with no arms?
A. When you fuck a woman with no arms and it pops out, you're the one who has to put it back in.

Q. What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave oven won't brown your meat.

Q. What's grosser than eating your grandmother's pussy?
A. Banging your head on the coffin lid after you're done.

 

[melody]

Exclusive Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an
erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you
call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward
him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,
it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him
around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by
the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection
once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.
____________

Little Johnnies father has to come to school to talk to the teacher.
Teacher: 'Sir, I'm sorry, but your son does absolutely nothing at
school, he fails every subject!!'
Dad: 'Except for drawing, he's a very good drawer.'
Teacher: 'That's correct, last week he drew a tiger on the chalk board
and the kids were so frightened I couldn't get them to enter the classroom'
Dad: 'That's nothing, last month he drew a pussy on the stove, I fuckin
burned my dick three times!!'
___________

Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping
mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the
escalators for 4 hours.
*Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself
__________

There were two doctors talking and one said, "I had a patient today
with a dick like a dill pickle."
The other doctor said, "It was that green?"
The first doctor said, "No, that sour."

 

[melody]

Useless Penis Facts

Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200

Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons

Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons

Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour

Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7

Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches

Average length when erect: 5.1

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch

Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)

Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet

Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall

Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight

Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%

Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11

Average # of erections during the night: 9

Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches

The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)

Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds

Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours

Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)

Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years

Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100

Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm

Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm

Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm

# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: Almost 6

In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.

Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.

Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.

Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.

Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.

It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection.

Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.
=====

Why is it good for young boys to read Playboy and Penthouse?
It improves hand to eye coordination.
=====
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
=====
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
=====
"I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.
They have no holidays."

 

[melody]

Jack And Jill On Their Honeymoon

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

He says "Jack, let me tell you something.

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants

and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'

She did, and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' I

replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on."

She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."

So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will,

and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Jill says nothing. She takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says,

"Here, try on mine." He does and says, "I can't get! into your pants."

Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven
Florida.

@@@

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, Will you watch
us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished,
the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married

and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for

$50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Bumper Sticker Suggestions

1. Constipated people don't give a shit.

2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.

3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.

8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

9. Thank you for pot smoking.

10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek
counseling.

12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

14. Horn broken...watch for finger.

15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

iii

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am
going to make you the happiest woman in the
world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

iii

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says
as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do
you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the
lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she
replied.

 

[melody]

A Polish Couple

A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby
came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had
a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without
hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local
college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What
ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year

or so he'll start to talk.
We just want to be able to understand him."

@@@

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
- she called me to get my phone number.
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate."
- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her
mind.
- she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

@@@

When my wife came home she found the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day.

She yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do."

"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this."

No Arms Or Legs

A very good looking guy is walking down the beach and he
sees a woman with no arms or legs, just "sitting" there.
As he approaches her, he notices that she is crying her
eyes out. He bends down and asks "why are you crying?"
She replies, "I've never been deeply kissed, would you
kiss me?"

So he thinks for a second and then bends down, gives her a
deep kiss and starts to walk away again. But then she
starts bawling and crying even louder. He turns and asks
why she's crying this time. She looks at him wantonly
and says, "I've never been fucked before."
So he thinks for another second, walks over to her,
bends down and picks her up, and chucks her into the
ocean, and says, "Well, you're fucked now."

@@@

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino

at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him.
"Hello," he said. " Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," she replied.

@@@

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the
owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in
for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again
gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The
redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was
4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged my wife
won twice last week."

 

[melody]

Two Co-eds

There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two co-eds were just hanging around the apartment.

Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties, was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores.

Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she would reveal her secret to her room mate.

"Take a break", Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down".

As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on the lips.

"I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard to say this... Well, let me be frank".

Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice:

"No darling... Let me be Frank".
------------
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head
of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the
head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own.
After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the
reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
------------
If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriends vibrator isn't three
inches long and crooked?

Little Johnny

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom as his father steps out of the
shower. Looking at his father's penis he says, "Girls are supposed to
like fucking guys with big cocks, I want one as big as yours."

His father replies, "To make that happen, you have to start rubbing oil
on your penis every day. That will make it grow bigger."

Three weeks later the same scene repeats. This time Little Johnny
complains, "I've been rubbing oil on my fucking cock for three weeks and
it isn't any bigger, in fact I think it is getting smaller!"

"What exactly are you using to rub on it?" asks his father.

"Crisco oil," replies Little Johnny.

"Aha, that's the problem; you're using shortening" says his father.

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

How is a woman like a computer?
You don't really appreciate them until they go down on you.

What's the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a woman's throat at thirty miles an
hour.

Why did God give men penises?
So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Why do women have foreheads?
So men have a place to kiss them after they suck our cocks.

What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that
you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a
roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What are the three reasons why anal sex is better than vaginal?
It's warmer, it's tighter and it's more degrading to women.