JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The Perfect Car

A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership.
She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to
inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes
her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is Andre a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks,
"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers,
"Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it,
you are going to SHIT when you hear the price."

**********

Why is 68 the maximum speed for a blonde?
Because at 69 they blow a rod!

Did you know the average male is 6 inches long, and the average
female is 8 inches deep?
So in New York City alone there is over 2 miles of unused pussy!

======

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,
they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

========

There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three,
165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway... a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway.

In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy... isn't that Dick Green?"

"No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!"

 

[melody]

Guy from Oklahoma and guy from Arkansas were out hunting. They find a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. Guy from Oklahoma says. "Now's our chance," and he goes over and buggers the sheep. He gets done and says to the other guy, "Your turn." The guy from Arkansas goes over and sticks his head in the fence.

A zookeeper And His Gorilla

A zookeeper goes to the gorilla cage to see his gorilla.
He decides to teach the gorilla some words, so he points to his eye. "Eye," said the zookeeper.

The gorilla pulled out its big ass hand and slaps that zookeeper upside the head.

The gorilla picks up the zookeeper and slams him onto all the rails. The gorilla finally dumps the zookeeper's bloody and beaten body outside the cage.

"What the f**k was that?" asked the zookeeper.

"Don't do that," said one of the workers, when you point to your eye, that means 'Fuck you' in gorilla language.

The zookeeper goes back to the gorilla cage and holds a pickle up to pants. He then takes out a knife and chops up the pickle. "Do what I do," said the man, he gave the knife to the gorilla to see if it would chop its dick off. The gorilla pointed to his eye.

NNNNN

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”

NNNNN

What do you get if you cross an armadillo with a vibrator?
An armadildo!

What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep!

What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky!

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
"You know, we do taste like chicken!"

There are two fleas on a woman's pussy. One is smoking dope, what is the other doing?
Sniffing crack!

 

[melody]

She Needed A Guy

When I was 16 I found a boyfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a very passionate guy, but he was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all
the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a man
with some stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable guy but he was boring.
He was totally predictable and never got excited about
anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a
man with some excitement.

When I was 30 I found an exciting man, but I couldn't keep
up with him. He rushed from one party to another, never
settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and
flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as
often as happy. He was great fun initially and very
energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
man with ambition.

When I turned 35, I found a smart ambitious man with his
feet planted firmly on the ground so I moved in with him.
He was so ambitious that he dumped me and took everything
I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a guy with a very big dick.

ddd

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated
and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he
was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then,
while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started
talking to him.

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!

"Irving, do you remember that emerald necklace you
promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,
"Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes..."

 

[melody]

Old Straggly Cat

One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a
sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took
her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet
decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when
we could come and get her.

My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she
stinks."
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El
Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.

The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located
next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to
see the Doctor.
The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby,
"Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean.
She now smells like a rose.
And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is"

==========

It's Harold's first day in the car pool.

They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out.

He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch.

He turns around and there she is, scowling at him.

He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it.

Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"

Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning!"

 

[melody]

Prostitutes

A cowboy arrives in a little town, enters the saloon and screams, "I want a woman, I want a fuck!"
"Welcome." says the owner, "We have Rosy the Red who fucks like three witches for only $30!"
"She's wonderful!" replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem." said the owner, "For $20, Blondie the Blonde sucks your cock out of your underwear!"
"She's real pretty," replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem sir!" said the owner, "For $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand til the mornin!"
"She's nice," replied the cowboy, "But I don't hav......"
"How much fucking money do you have then?" screamed the owner.
"Errrrr," whispered the cowboy, "25 cents!"
"Allright then," gasped the owner, "Go upstairs to room 22!"
The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed sees a nice young girl lying with her legs wide open. He jumps on her and begins fucking. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and says to the owner, "I... I think I have a problem!"
"What about?" replied the owner.
"Well," said the cowboy, "You know the young lady in room 22.....I was having fun with her and suddenly she turned her face and threw up a load of white mess!"
"Oh shit!" screamed the owner, "Someone go and change the corpse in room 22, it's full again!"

iiii

Two prostitutes were talking about how rough times were.
One said, "You know, times are so bad that I did a trick last night for five measly bucks, just so I had the taxi fare home!"
"Huh," replied the other slag, "I gave away a blowjob last night just to get something warm in my stomach!"

iiii

Which is more profitable, a two story or a one story whore house?
A one story because there's no fucking overhead!

What do you get if you cross a prostitute with an elephant?
A whore who fucks you for peanuts and remembers you forever!
Why do men like women in leather?
-Because they smell like new cars.
What should you do if you arrive home and find your wife in bed
with another man?
-Make sure his guide dog hasn't shit on the bedroom floor!
How does a woman know when a man fakes an orgasm?
-She ends up swimming in a sea of piss!

 

[BLANk]

our former work ministry...

http://img146.imageshack.us/img146/341/sammys.jpg

what a legend...

 

[melody]

SOB

A scantily dressed girl goes to confession,
and tells the Priest
"Father,I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?"
the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without "
"Do you mean like this?" He touches her arm.
"Yes, father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts.
"You mean like this?" He touches her breasts.
"Yes, father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this?" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes, father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then puts his you-know-what in my you-know-
where." "Like this?" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-
where. "Y-Y-Yes father," she says sometime later. "But that's no
reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch." "But father, he has
Herpes." "THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!
_________________________

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"
_________________________

A Man shouts to his wife,
Come here and look at my clock
She walks in to find him naked with a hard on
She says that's not a clock
He says it will be when you put two hands and a face on it..
There once was a plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!
Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit
"Does shit stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not," said the hare,
"It's really quite rare!"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

 

[RibpineeDic]

Nice work

Thank you for the good writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to more added agreeable from you! By the way, how can we communicate? I'll just check back at Zerotohundred.com - The Car Enthusiast's Community and Classifieds for you later. http://www.iravien.org/forums/profile.php?mode=viewprofile&u=376742

 

[melody]

Types Of MenYou May Meet In The Men's Uranul

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is hung.

TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the
next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

purple girlie bars

PENIS BRUSH

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously
scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste.

"What the heck do you think you're doing, young man!?" she exclaimed.

"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day,
because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

 

[melody]

My Mother Taught Me…

To Value A Job Well Done
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

Time Travel
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

Logic
"Because I said so, that's why."

Foresight
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

Irony
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

Osmosis
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

Stamina
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

Weather
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

Hypocrisy
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

Circle Of Life
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

Behavior Modification
"Stop acting like your father!"

Envy
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

Anticipation
"Just wait until we get home."

Receiving
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

Medical Science
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

How To Become An Adult
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

Genetics
"You're just like your father."

Wisdom
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

Justice
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"


It's Time to go to School
One early morning, a lady went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
Son: "But why Mom? I don't want to go."
Mom: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
Son: "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
Mom: "Oh, that's no reason to not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
Son: "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
Mom: "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Top 15 Rejected Mother's Day Cards

15. I love you when you're happy.
I love you when you're sad.
I love you though you told me,
The milkman is my dad.

14. Roses are red, my childhood was blue.
Get out of my basement -- Your rent is past due.

13. The cards in the store
Were just too full of sex,
But I thought, "What the hell."
Love, Oedipus Rex

12. There once was a woman named Mother,
Who always did favor my brother.
But now that he's dead,
Mother senses with dread
That *her* nursing home's worse than the others.

11. You stood up to my father's kin,
their many threats of extortion.
Thanks for having me, Mother Dear,
instead of an abortion.

10. Dear Mom, in your Mother's Day card,
Is a question that you may find hard:
If Dad went astray,
If he left, as you say,
Who's that buried in the back yard?

9. Mom you're so great, Mom you're so cool.
Please don't send me, to an Arkansas school.

8. I know my Mom's a test tube.
I'm a sheep, not an ignorant rube.
No real Mom could be better,
She'd just wind up a sweater,
Adorning some debutante's boobs.

7. When I was born, you became a mom,
and gave me lots of joy and lovin'.
But now, I need to come back home --
I've got my *own* bun in the oven.

6. For my (almost) Fifth Stepmother:
Congrats to you, my almost-Mom,
You've nearly won the war...
Unlike all the other tramps
Dad picks up in the bar!

5. I'm going to Denmark, Mother, Dear,
For some changes of which you'll learn.
You always wanted a little girl --
Well, you'll have one when I return.

4. Your girlish figure disappears,
With each bite that you chew.
You now look worse in lingerie,
Than dear old Uncle Lou.

3. You've lovingly looked after me
Since I was just a baby,
So now I don't resent the fact
That both my moms are ladies.

2. I think of you, dear Mother,
as I'm in my cell, alone,
And miss the way you always made
our crack house a crack home.

1. You probably won't even listen,
You may still think, "How *could* he?"
But no card's as heartfelt as this 'un.
Best wishes, Soon-Yi and Woody

 

[melody]

Monkey On The Dashboard

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a
monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what
the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with
the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the
dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls
out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up,
puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that?" said the trucker.

The man said, "Yeah."

The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"

The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.
How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son’s dick tastes funny.
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.

A man calls into work and tells the boss he can’t come in because he’s sick.
“How sick are you?” asks the boss.
“Well, I’m currently screwing my daughter.”

What’s the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.

A Little Old Lady

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily
hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks
the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss? "

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave
aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss
thththiiickkk? "

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww
ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"


A Swiss scientist has invented a new bra!
It offers more support which will prevent a woman's breasts from
bouncing around, and will keep her nipples hidden......
....even in cold temperatures....

After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside
where a large group of men beat the shit out of him.

 

[melody]

GROSS World Records!

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and
28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely
insert a
lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and
projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1 inch.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is
Khoona.
It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of
a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is
believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato
juice,
a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime.
It
is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail
umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump.'

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal
fluid.
He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4 in) and the
greatest
speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a
'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially
measured at
12 ft 2 in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially
recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

Gay.. Myth Vs. Reality

(This is very long but a must to read for vital information.)


Let's identify some of the common ways for a 100% straight man to engage in gay sex, along with some of the common misperceptions. Remember, we're not telling you how to experiment with homosexuality - you can figure that out on your own. We're showing you how to do it while still being able to tell the Duke that you're all man.


#1 - It's Not Gay If You Pull Out:

MYTH. This is patently false, proven by the fact that gay porn has money shots. Just like pulling out to unload on some tits doesn't make you gay, pulling out of the manhole to paint Hawaii on some dude's back doesn't keep you straight.

#2 - It's Not Gay If You're In Prison:

TRUTH. Just like rape is less an act of sex than it is of power, so gay prison sex is more about status and dominance than actual homosexuality. And hey, should you find yourself having a good time, this doesn't make you any less straight - it's only if you start robbing the 7-11 next to the police station just to get some guilt-free cock that you need to start questioning your identity.

#3 - It's Not Gay If You're Just Getting a BJ From a Guy:

AMBIGUOUS. Here we have a case with subtle distinctions - this can still be 100% straight if A) he's paying you and B) you need the money for hard drugs. If you can afford the crack without the john's patronage, then you should admit that you are at least a little bit gay; it's ok.

#4 - It's Not Gay If It's Gay Pride Month:

MYTH. Sure, any guy can get excited about the Super Bowl, even if he's not really a football fan. But if you're going to be hanging out the window of a red, white and blue Fiero trailing a ten-foot Puerto Rican flag on Puerto Rican Pride Day, you should probably be Puerto Rican. The same goes for gayness.

#5 - It's Not Gay If It's With a Spaniard:

MYTH. This rumor has persisted around Providence, RI for some time, and no one is sure why, as it is completely untrue. It may be more exotic, it may be more fun, there may be a greater likelihood that your partner has not bathed his ass in weeks, but it is by no means less gay.

#6 - It's Not Gay If Your Partner Is Under Age 12:

TRUTH. The question to ask yourself is, are you a man of the cloth? If not, simply complete divinity school as quickly as possible, and you can do whatever the hell you want with the offspring of anyone who is still foolish enough to raise their children Catholic.

#7 - It's Not Gay If You're Too Drunk to Drive:

TRUTH. Most everyone has woken up next to someone whose level of attractiveness barely qualifies as human, and yet we still consider ourselves attractive people; a similar standard is at work when it comes to gayness. The yardstick here is your level of drunkenness - if you are, in the vernacular, a "twelve-beer queer," consider yourself 100% straight. If, however, you are a "two-beer queer," you may as well drop the "two-beer" pretense.

#8 - It's Not Gay If It's Your Uncle:

MYTH. This one has a gray area. While being touched inappropriately (or completely railed) by an uncle is not necessarily gay, neither is it likely to be very enjoyable. Therefore, for the purpose of our study, the point is moot. If it is you who are fucking your uncle, you should know that this is essentially the gayest thing you can possibly do.

#9 - It's Not Gay If It's With an Animal:

TRUTH. This, strangely enough, is true. It's really no gayer to fuck a bull in the ass than it is to fuck a cow in the vagina, so feel free to go to town in this case. However, it should be noted that if you suck the bull's cock, it then becomes gay.

#10 - It's Not Gay If There's a Girl Involved:

TRUTH AND MYTH. This is true, as long as you're on her opposite ends, or at least in different holes. A little congratulatory ass-slapping, even feeling the other guy's wang through the ass/vagina walls is within the acceptable margin, but if he's doing her while you're doing him, your hetero status drops by a few percentage points.

#11 - It's Not Gay If You're Only Doing It to Impress a Girl:

TRUTH. While admittedly counterintuitive, this is true. Just like you love to watch two girls make out, so do many girls love to watch guys engaged in gay sex (nothing turns a straight girl on like watching two guys do it). Hey brah, anything for some pussy, right? As long as you're in there, you might as well throw your ankles over your head, grab some hairy ass and enjoy yourself.

#12 - It's Not Gay If You're at the Proctologist's:

TRUTH. Number one, there's a legally binding confidentiality between doctor and patient, so your reputation will stay unsullied. Plus, consider this - the man has his hand up your ass, massaging your prostate - no one's going to blame you for blowing your wad onto the exam table.

#13 - It's Not Gay If You're In the Army:

TRUTH. This is the ultimate free pass for gay sex. Don't ask, don't tell, sure, but can you show me where they say "don't do?" You can't, because THEY DON'T. You can be as gay as you want, and as long as you're in the Army, it never happened. Go on, Be As Gay As You Can Be! Semper Fi, boys.

 

[melody]

Quotes From The Perfect Woman:

1.) "I'll swallow it all...I just love the taste!"
2.) "Are you sure you've had enough beer?"
3.) "I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!"
4.) "Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!"
5.) "If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"
6.) "I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?"
7.) "You're so sexy when you're hung over."
8.) "I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping."
9.) "Let's subscribe to Hustler."
10.) "Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"
11.) "Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses."
12.) "I'll be out painting the house."
13.) "I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too."
14.) "Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!"
15.) "I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house."
16.) "No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed."
17.) "Your mother did a great job raising you."
18.) "Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs."
19.) "I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever."
20.) "Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?"
21.) "Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!" 22.) "Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8."
23.) "You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings."
24.) "That was a great fart! Do another one!"
25.) "I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya

Murphy's Laws On Sex

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave
her with no hard feelings.

Nothing improves with age.

No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because
it'll never be quite the same again.

Sex has no calories.

Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
trouble.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

No sex with anyone in the same office.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
how long it is going to last.

Virginity can be cured.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
ones she can't stand years later.

Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

It is always the wrong time of month.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
either.

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop
failure.

The younger the better.

Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into
our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
words to convey its full meaning.

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Thou shall not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had. A man, the women he
couldn't.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

Love comes in spurts.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

 

[melody]

http://img827.imageshack.us/img827/5116/y0191107918.jpg

Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work.
For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset
gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him
parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a
good husband and family man and didn't want to cheat on his wife.
However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get
her out of his mind. After spending many sleepless nights, he went
to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving
him crazy, he was married 45 years, and did not want to cheat on his
wife. "What should I do?" asked Jake. The psychiatrist said: "Take
Melrose Avenue."
---------

"I have good news and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.
"What do you want first?"

The patient thought and said, "the bad news."

The doctor said solemnly, "you have three weeks to live."

"Oh, shit!" exclaimed the patient, "then what the hell's the good
news?"

The doctor smiled. "See that pretty blond nurse over there with the
long legs and the big tits - In about an hour or so, I will be
fucking her brains out!"

17 Ways Women Fail In Bed

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick, don't grab it
like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a damn
cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment
to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder
and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly
at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face
should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick, don't just get on
the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward.
It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected,
kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced
to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort
of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can
blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh! If your creative man
gets carried away and says things like, "Ride my hard cock, you
filthy cock-sucking slut," or "I want to rinse your mouth with
my fresh, white hot love potion." Laughter at any aspect of
the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've
got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to
come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share
this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen
is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases -- but
this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all-important. Don't
wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present.
You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss
and cuddle. No matter what he says, he does not want to touch
you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you
are a one-night stand, you should leave the premises without
thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is
done. Just get the fuck out.

8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know
you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it, as you
can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use
them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you
have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of
saying, "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie,
you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If
you're giving a handjob, you should have gone to the gym to work
your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than ten
minutes, you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a
blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted
human beings.

11. FISHING F! OR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're
the best lover he has ever had. Most men have had so many
sexual partners that it is unlikely that *you* are. Please don't
ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something! Good
sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move
around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and
skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the
equipment and know-how to do it, but at least put some effort
into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative
lover who can satisfy two women at a time, don't sneer at or reject
his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make
up a threesome. If he's a real man, he's probably shagging her,
anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your
man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic
hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past
it's sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old.
If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner
favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather
be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble
to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to
spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture.
You should play with semen like a piece of Hubba Bubba,
blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line
like "I love it when you come in my mouth," makes for a happy
finale to fun and games.

16. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the
effort and energy he has expended on making love to you --
especially if: a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or
b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is
far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when
one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your
man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he
drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you
think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?"

 

[melody]

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."

Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

zzzzz

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

zzzzz

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of
her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead
pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and
said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

zzzzz

What's grosser than gross?
When Siamese Twins are connected by the mouth and one pukes.

They say one way you can tell the difference between a young prostitute and
an old prostitute these days is that a young prostitute uses petroleum
jelly and the old prostitute uses denture adhesive.

A man walks into a bar and sits down to a man that is obviously intoxicated. He smells a foul odor and asks the drunk, "Did you crap your pants?" The drunk said "yup." The man then asked the drunk, "Why don't you go to the bathroom?", to which the drunk replied, "Cause I ain't done yet!"

Cyber Baby

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed
to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up
appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"

#$#$#$#$#$

All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam
I was just fit to pop
When we both had to stop..
As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"

****
I want to die like my grandfather did, in his sleep.
Not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.
****
A girl and a boy were at the back of the movie theater, kissing passionately.

When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."

The girl replies,"It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".
________________________________

10 WAYS TO KNOW YOU'VE HAD WILD SEX

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 5.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bedsprings.

6. You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

 

[melody]

An Indian Boy

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on
his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made
her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was
conceived."
Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are
you so curious?"
------
Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding.
"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that."
"All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel.
You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if
she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!'
you hit her with the shovel!"
------
A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped
by a man who was carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
..."Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass"!

Hooked On Ebonics!

AFRO: I got so mad at my hoe, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH: I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to da field and smoke.

AXE: I done AXE you once now don't make me AXE you a'gin.

BEWARE: I asked da man at da unemployment office, "Do dis BEWARE I apply fa ah job?"

CATACOMB: Don King hair look stupid. Somebody ought'a give dat CATACOMB.

COATROOM: Da judge said, "One more outburst like dat, an you be thrown out da COATROOM.

CONTAGIOUS: It's gonna take dat contagious to wash all dem dishes.

COPULATE: I called 911 and an hour later when dey show up, I said COPULATE.

DECIDE: I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have Lakisha on DECIDE.

DIMENSION: I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION, I's hung like a horse too.

DEFEAT: Defeat of depig sho' be good pickled.

DEFENSE: De Sheriff woulda catched me but I jumped defense.

DEMAND: If you don't quit sellin' dem drugs DEMAND gonna get you.

DERANGE: DERANGE be where da deer and antelope play.

DATA: At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy."

DETAIL: Dat rat almost got away but ol' Blue catched him by DETAIL.

DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer tol' me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT day gonna send me back to da big house.

DISMAY: I went fo a blood test, da doctor pulled out a big needle. He said DISMAY hurt a little.

DOMINEERING: My hoe's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

FASCINATE: Dis hoe's titty's be so big, her shirt got ten buttons, but she can only FASCINATE.

FORECLOSE: If I pay alimony dis month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE .

FORTIFY: I axed da hoe how much for some? And she say FORTIFY.

HONOR: At da rape trial, de judge axed my buddy, who be HONOR first?

HOTEL: I gave dis ho da clap and da HOTEL everybody.

INCOME: I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife.

INDISCREET: I bought deez drugs here in de screet.

ISRAEL: I said, "Man dat Rolex look fake." He said, "No ISRAEL."

KENYA: I needed change fo da subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare a dime?

LOCKET: I slam da door so hard, I LOCKET.

MOBILE: I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said gimme one MOBILE.

ODYSSEY: I tellin' you Bro! You ODYSSEY da jugs on dis hoe!

OMELETTE: Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

PENIS: I went to da clinic and 'day handed me a cup and said PENIS.

PLANET: I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in da backyard.

RECTUM: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.

SELDOM: My cousin gave me two tickets to da Knicks game, so I SELDOM.

STAIN: My muda in law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.

STAIRWAY: When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

TRIPOLI: I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't fine no TRIPOLI.

UNDERMINE: Dare be a fine lookin' hoe livin' in da apartment UNDERMINE.

Ebonic Medical Dictionary

BARIUM. . . . . . . . .WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIES

URINE. . . . . . . . . .OPPOSITE OF "YOU'RE OUT"
VARICOSE. . . . . . . .NEAR BY
VEIN. . . . . . . . . .CONCEITED

RECTUM. . . . . . . . .DAMN NEAR KILLED 'EM

OUTPATIENT. . . . . . .A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED

PAP SMEAR. . . . . . .A FATHERHOOD TEST

NITRATES. . . . . . . .CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES

LABOR PAIN. . . . . . .GETTING HURT AT WORK

 

[melody]

Better Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women go to curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
.....
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't
believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and
your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour, When
you open the trunk, which one is really happy
to see you?
.....
Let's keep incest in the family.

Constipation is the thief of time; diarrhea waits for no man.
Daffynition - foreplay: The conversation with a woman
wherein you either wildly exaggerate or flat out lie about
your positive qualities in order to get laid.

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs?
A: He doesn't want you to know that he fucks chickens.
.....
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
.....
Q: What is every Amish chick's fantasy?
A: Two Mennonite.

Q: How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you?
A: You have to make airplane noises to get your cock in
her mouth.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Cigarette Lighter

A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter
to economize in matches. After a short time it began to give
trouble.
So she spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light
a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.

She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in
your trousers.

He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not
used to discussing such things with ladies.

She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work?
Do you jerk it up and down?

He: Oh, sometimes...

She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do
you rub yours up and down until something comes?

He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.

She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?

He: No, most certainly not!

She: Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before
then?

He: Of course I haven't.

She: You should try it then sometime, it takes the stiffness out of
it.

He: Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty girl.

She: (Thinking he referred to smoking) Oh, every girl does it
nowadays anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?

He: Yes, it is rather on the long side.

She: I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use
does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on
the end when it's dry?

He: Yes.

She: So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much
trouble.
Would you like to have a look at it?

He: No no, not now. We had better wait until it's dark.

She: Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight.
It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around
it.
I'll unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter).
Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again,
damn... now I'll have to go back to matches.

The young man collapses.
_________

If a woman is uncomfortable watching me wank, should she:
a) Get to know me better?
b) Stop being such a prude?
or
c) Find another seat on the bus?
_________

What's 10 inches long, 2 inches thick, and starts with a P?
A really good crap.

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
________

A blind man and his guide dog are in a department store. Suddenly in the middle of an aisle, the man picks up his dog by the tail and starts swinging it around.
A startled shop assistant asks the man "Can I help you, sir?
The blind man replies quickly without thought, "No thanks. Just looking around."

 

[melody]

Broke Man In A Whorehouse.

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"


Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue.
One of them turns to the other and says, "You should
have seen this hot chick they brought in last week.
They pulled her out of the water after she'd been
there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit
was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, "a bit sour."

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Drive Through Cash Machines
(ATM)

To enable new users to use this facility, the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE PROCEDURE
1.. Drive up to cash machine.
2.. Roll down car window.
3.. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5.. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6.. Roll up window.
7.. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1.. Drive up to cash machine.
2.. Put car in reverse and back up to required distance to align car window to machine.
3.. Restart stalled engine.
4.. Roll down car window.
5.. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passengers seat to locate card.
6.. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car.
8.. Insert card.
9.. Re-insert card the right way up.
10.. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11.. Enter PIN.
12.. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13.. Enter amount of cash required.
14.. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15.. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17.. Place receipt in back of check book.
18.. Re-check make-up again.
19.. Drive forward 10 feet.
20.. Put car in reverse and back up to cash machine.
21.. Retrieve card.
22.. Re- empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot.
23.. Re-check make-up
24.. Restart stalled engine and pull out.
25.. Drive for 3 or 4 miles.
26.. Release hand brake.


How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!

Why are there so many homes for battered women?
Because they just don't fucking listen!!

If girls are made of sugar & spice, how come they all smell like Anchovies?

Why do women get their belly buttons pierced?
So they have a place to hang an air freshener!

What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt. ?
Answer: A pussy is that furry thing between a woman's legs that feels so good, and tastes so good and us guys have so much fun with,
And a cunt is what owns it.

 

[melody]

Terms for Female Masturbation

5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket
"""""""""""" """""""
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who eked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.

There once was a man named Mort,
Whose dick was incredibly short,
When he climbed into bed, His lady friend said,
"That's not really a dick, its a wart!"

There once was a man from Spleen,
Who invented a wanking machine,
On the 99th stroke,
The fucking thing broke,
And whipped his balls into cream!

I Have Sinned

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me
father for I have sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot
tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No father, please
forgive me for my sin."

"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it
was."

"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and
you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph
was waiting.

"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got 5 hail Mary's 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."

"""""""""""" """"""""" """"""""

Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “St Peter, I once saw a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s penis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font”.

 

[melody]

Types Of Barbie Dolls

Rug Burn Barbie: Comes with raspberries on knees and buttocks.

Lactating Barbie: To be released nine months after Rug Burn Barbie.

Butch Barbie: Comes with short hair and big fingers.

Strap on Barbie: To be used with Butch Barbie.

Backdoor Barbie: Comes locked in one position with small bottle of
K-Y Jelly.

Crack Whore Barbie: Comes with track marks, cold sores, and matted
hair.

Body Piercing Barbie: Comes with optional labia rings
(also available in two-pack with Crack Whore Barbie.

Oral Barbie: Comes with a permanent expression of surprise.

And the number one Barbie I'd like to see on shelves in time for the
holiday season:

S & M Barbie: Comes with retractable whip sticking out of her ass.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a young lassie from Morton,
who had one long tit and one short 'en,
on top of all that,
a great hairy twat,
and a fart like a six fifty Norton.

There once was a Playboy Bunny
Who had a pretty blond cunnie
She'd jump straight to bed
Her legs she would spread
With a cunt that tasted like honey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pedophile stops two 10 year old girls in the forest.
He says to them kindly, "Girls, I'll give you a sweet each if
I can touch your hair."
The two girls look at each other and they say fine. He
gives them the sweets and strokes their hair.
"I'll give you two more sweets, if I can stroke your
shoulders."
The two girls say fine, he gives them the sweets, and
strokes their shoulders.
Then he says, "I'll give you two more sweets if I can
stroke your backs."
The two girls look at each other and one says to
the other, "By the time he fucks us, we'll be diabetic."

West Virginia Folk

A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
=
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried
tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
=
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West
Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high
schools.
=
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia? Documentaries.
=
Where was the toothbrush invented? West Virginia. If it had been
invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
=
A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to
the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
=
Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery? The
winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
=
The governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down! Yep. Pert' near
took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too.
Both books went up in flames and they hadn't even finished coloring one
of them.
=
A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets
divorced, they are STILL cousins.
=
At the scene of the accident a trooper asked the West Virginia driver
what gear he was in at the moment of impact. He replied, "tractor hat
and camouflage hunting outfit"
=
Folks in West Virginia now go to movies in groups of 18. They were told
"17 and under are not admitted".
=
A West Virginia man walked into a Kwik Stop and asked for all the cash
in the drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for 3 hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.
=
A West Virginia man spoke frantically into the phone, 'my wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!" "Is this her
first child?", the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her
husband!"
=
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you..... If you
upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's
worth the extra effort?
=
When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"