JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Disgusting Miscellaneous

Complaining to his wife because they were flat broke again, the guy said, "If your tit's would give milk, we wouldn't have to feed the cow. And if your cunt would lay eggs, we could sell the chickens!"
"Yeah," said his wife, "and if your cock would get hard, we could get rid of your brother!"

bbbbb

If a Ram is a Sheep,
And an Ass is a Donkey,
Then how come a ram in the ass is a Goose?

bbbbb

Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local
minister comes walking around the corner. The minister says, "My, Farmer
Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't
do that to your wife, would you?" The farmer says, "I would if she
farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!"

bbbbb

How do you make your wife scream after you have an orgasm?
Wipe your cock on the curtains!

What do you get if you cross your wife with a pitbull?
Your very last blowjob!

bbbbb

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years when by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts in.
Some time later she heard her husband wake and let rip the usual trouser trumpet which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

 

[melody]

Pregnancy Questions Answered By Paul!

Before The Pregnancy
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
*Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Are birth control pills deductible?
*Only if they don't work.
What is a chastity belt?
*A labor-saving device.
Should I have a baby after 35?
*No, 35 children are enough.
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
*Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
*Your therapist.

During The Pregnancy
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
*If it's the flu, you'll get better.
I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
*Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
*Childbirth.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
*With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
*Yes, your bladder.
Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
*Depends on what you're doing with them.
What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
*Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
*Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
*Right after you find out your pregnant.
What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
*It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you.
What are forceps?
*Giant baby tweezers.
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
*Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

After The Pregnancy
Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
*No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
*When it's a girl, for starters.
Where is the best place to store breast milk?
*In your breasts.
Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
*Yes, baby lips.
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
*It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
How does one sanitize nipples?
*Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
What are the terrible twos?
*Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
*When you see teeth marks.
What is the grasp reflex?
*The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
*They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Do I have to have a baby shower?
*Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
What causes baby blues?
*Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
What is colic?
*A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
What are night terrors?
*Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
*When the kids are in college.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
*Yes, pregnancy.

 

[melody]

For Those who Reed and Right

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why
shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for
granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work
slowly,

boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is
it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

AUTHOR UNKNOWN or is it KNOTKNOWN?

Blonde Moment

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,
she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was
applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the
trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on
by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he
surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving
along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.
So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the
left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was
another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on
this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".

I've been thinking about becoming a vegitarian, but I don't want to
give up eating pussy.
Did you hear about the women who went fishing with a group of men?
she came back with a red snapper!

Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your
breasts, than I can always look at them.

Wife: Let me
take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged

Son on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what 2 do.
MOM:Put ur biggest thng on her hairiest thng.

SON:got my nose in her armpit. Now what?

 

[melody]

Cool Blonde Joke

This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should make all
you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something
nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a
cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its
features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her
new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said,
"how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as
a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

===============

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by unannounced at her
son's house. She knocked on the door then
immediately walked in. She was shocked to
See her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,
totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the
aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from
work," the daughter-in-law Answered.

"But you're naked!" The mother-in-law
exclaimed.

"This is my love dress." The daughter-in-law
explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress." She
explained. "It excites him to no End. Every
time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for
hours. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left. When she got
home she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights,
put on a romantic CD, and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came Home. He
walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered,
sensually.

"Needs ironing" he said - "What's for
dinner?"

How To Shit Like a Woman/Man

How to shit like a woman:

Under no circumstances, use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused while waiting to get home.

With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pot by your boyfriend/husband. Also, wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.

Flush the toilet twice before starting. Then wash your hands three times.

Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent any chance of a splash back.

Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat (hover) over the seat as opposed to taking any risk of touching it with bare flesh.

Release solids, but DO NOT make any sounds whatsoever.

Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any feces.

Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).

Wipe once and throw paper into the pot. Do not look at the paper at all.

Repeat the previous two steps at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sports.

Flush the toilet twice, bleach it, and leave the lid in the down position for your husband/boyfriend - this is now law in most civilized countries.

Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.

How to shit like a man:

Select reading material.

Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the
toilet rim.

Open reading material and relax.

Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs
and buttocks.

Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report
to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible
traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paper
before throwing it into the bowl.

Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the
paper.

Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances
attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or,
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can use
it again later).

Wash your hands once.

Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's
self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

 

[melody]

Top 10 Things NOT To Say To Parents When Picking Up A Date.

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me
mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"

Sheep Are Better Than...

*You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.

*Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.

*Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a
social disease.

*Nuttin' beats mutton!

*Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to
go get a towel.

*Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your
weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they
have to be home early.

*Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.

*Sheep never ask about your former lovers, and
then get pissed off when you tell them.

*No matter how old or ugly you are, you can
always find a willing ewe.

*Sheep are never concerned about their reputation.

*Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you
couldn't get it up.

*Sheep won't ask if you're gay when you can't get
it up for the second time.

*Sheep never insist on eating out.

*You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a
picture of Brad Pitt.

*Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late.

*Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.

*Sheep don't get moody once a month.

*You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck
in your teeth.

*A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the
rest of her life after one roll in the hay.

*A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed.

*A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon.

*A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car.

*A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles
her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains.

*A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...
and pay.

*A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup.

*A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy.

*A sheep won't care if you keep your fish bait in the
refrigerator.

*Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

///

There's nothing better than waking up to your
girlfriend giving you a blowjob. Unless, maybe,
it was your wife giving you the blowjob. Or maybe
your wife watching *her* girlfriend give you a
blowjob. Better yet, your wife and her girlfriend
*and* your girlfriend all fighting over who gets
to give you a blowjob and they all decide to
tag team on the blowjob. The common theme,
though, would be getting a blowjob.

///

Two young newlyweds arrived at a posh hotel and asked for the
honeymoon suite... The receptionist asked the bride, "Do you have any
reservations?" The bride replied, "Yes. I'm not too sure about takin'
it up the ass."

 

[melody]

Learned New Words

Teacher: "Tell me a new word you learned during your vacation. Say the
word, and then repeat it in a sentence. Mary, can you start?"

Mary "Beautiful. My daddy bought me a beautiful new puppy"

Teacher: "Very good Mary, now Timmy:

Timmy: "Terrific. We went on a terrific holiday to the beach!"

Teacher: "Very good Timmy, now Johnny, did you learn a new word?"

Johnny: "Yes ma'am, the word is contagious."

Teacher: "Very good Little Johnny, now, can you put 'contagious' in a
sentence?"

Johnny: "Yes, miss. My Dad saw a lady painting a large barn by
Grandpa's. He said 'It'll take that cunt-ages to paint that.'

~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Oh god, I am so thirsty I could lick
the sweat of a cow's balls."

A gay guy sitting on the end of the bar says "moooo"!!

~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash
down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up
as possible."

"Well," the doc concluded, "go home and wash possible."

~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

REMEMBER...
A PEACH IS A PEACH,
A PLUM IS A PLUM,
A KISS AIN'T A KISS,
WITHOUT SOME TONGUE.
SO OPEN YOUR MOUTH,
AND CLOSE YOUR EYES---
AND GIVE YOUR TONGUE...
SOME EXERCISE!!!!!!!!!


Q: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A: Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Pussies Galore

SHORTCHANGED PUSSY:
When the woman is extremely sexy and beautiful. She moves the right way
and oozes sensuality. When it comes to sex, she has no clue. The very
thought of stroking this Pussy can make you cum before its time. She
talks a good game but Cannot walk the talk. Kissing her is like
watching a cartoon. When she tries to guide your dick into her pussy,
she cuts it with her nails. By the time you get another boner, her
pussy is dry and feels like sandpaper. By the time you get it in, you find
out that your dick is too big for her short pussy. When you go to lick
the pussy you find out that it is a little tart and now you start
thinking to yourself, "How can such a fine woman be so feeble?"
Undaunted, you decide that you're going to make the best of a bad
situation and get your rocks off when she says "Don't cum in me because
I'm not taking anything."
~~~~~

SWEET LIPS:
This is substitute pussy. She sucks major dick. She sucks it so good
that your knees buckle. It was good enough to make you look for
something to hold onto. She can suck the chrome off of a car's bumper.
Then she slips your dick into her pussy and you realize that her mouth
was much better. You try to maneuver your dick back to her mouth any way
you can. This time you find something to hold onto -- her head --
because you now know that her Pussy is really a kitten and not yet ready
for prime time.
~~~~~

YES M'AM PUSSY:
This is the kind of pussy your mother warned you about. This pussy is
often misjudged because of the owners meek mannerisms. She is quiet,
reserved, caters to your every whim and shows no inkling of the treasure
that lies between her thighs. She seems to be a scholarly type but not
quite prudish. You think to yourself, "I'm gonna tear this pussy up,"
only to find that she was only playing possum. You were so caught off
guard that your whole fuck plan needed instant revision. She was your
equal having as much game as you. You must give her propers realizing
that you came within a bat's eyelash of having your brains fucked out.
Gentleman, be wary of this pussy and be prepared. Your best defense is a
good offense and a long stiff thick dick with staying power.
~~~~~

THUNDER THIGHS PUSSY:
(THE PUSSY YOU'RE GETTING FROM SOMEONE WHO IS NOT YOUR WOMAN)
Men who have cheated on their woman temporarily can say, "AMEN" to this
class of pussy. Men, this is the class of pussy that makes you cry and
confess to your woman you fucked someone else. The Thunder Thighs pussy
made you want to tell somebody. Thunder Thighs pussy is in a class of
its own. Thunder Thighs pussy will make you look and feel different
about the pussy you got at home. Thunder Thighs pussy makes you bust
several nuts (i.e., multiple orgasms). Makes you cry and you have no
clue to why. This pussy is so intense, when it is wrapped around your
dick it sends you into a trance. She has a smooth, undulating motion,
constantly asks you if your comfortable, you started at 6PM and it is
now going on 9PM and she is not tired and her pussy ain't sloppy yet.
She sucks on your dick as if she was a baby sucking on a pacifier, she
savors it like you're the main course meal. She sensuously flicks the
head of your dick with her tongue like a lollipop. By now you're in
shock and forget about your woman. When you're back with your woman,
you're wondering why she can't perform like Thunder Thighs pussy. You
even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct her to do what Thunder
thighs did to you.
~~~~~

THE STALKER PUSSY:
This is the pussy that pisses you off the most. You see, the woman you
boned for a fling or as a favor keeps coming back like a bad cold. If
she has a bad day at work, she "stalks your dick." If she has a bad
meal, "she stalks your dick." If she has a bad hair day, she "stalks
your dick." If she sees an ex, she "stalks your dick." No what, she
"stalks your dick." It is easy to tell if the woman you're with falls
into this category. She always uses phrases like these when she is
fucking you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS PUSSY." "AIN'T THIS SOME SWEET PUSSY?"
"TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS PUSSY." "WHAT IS MY NAME?" "WHO'S DICK IS THIS?"
"TALK TO ME DADDY, I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKING SHIT NOW," and finally, "YOU
LIKE WHEN YOU IN THIS PUSSY AND WHIPPIN' IT!"
~~~~~

TUNA PUSSY:
This is the pussy that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. You can
recognize it easily because she may have cats swarming around her or
everybody at the local pub knows her name. When you walk into a room,
you know she is there or was there. This is dangerous pussy. The problem
is that the babe is fine and you ain't had no pussy in a long while. The
dog in you wants some pussy. You know that this pussy is experienced and
could put a hurt on you in more ways than one. This is the pussy you
don't want anyone to know you sampled. You DON'T EAT this pussy. After
you sample this pussy, you immediately take a shower or at the very
least scrub your dick in the sink with some disinfectant.
~~~~~

WATERING HOLE PUSSY:
This is good convenient pussy. Easy pussy. Pussy you can call when your
body needs a fix. She gives you major head like SWEET LIPS PUSSY, and
fucks you like THUNDER THIGHS PUSSY. Only thing is, you do not have a
woman so you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this pussy is
ready. Her pussy craves your dick. This pussy is available in any place
at anytime.
~~~~~

GODDAMN PUSSY:
Men, now this is pussy that will definitely send you to hell if you're
not married to it. This pussy is just like YES M'AM PUSSY and THUNDER
THIGHS PUSSY. Her pussy is snug-not too tight-and juicy. She can
accommodate larger than average size dick. She has good control of her
pussy muscles which can make any size dick feel at home. This pussy
makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time. While you are giving
it to her doggy style or with you laying down and she sits on top of
you, you look towards the heavens and say, "GODDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD
PUSSY!!"
~~~~~

AMAZON PUSSY:
Gentlemen, this is the gold mine pussy. This pussy is the pussy that you
commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept
secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for this pussy. When you
get this pussy, you go through convulsions. This is the pussy that makes
you READY even when you ain't. You call in sick from work for it. This
pussy is so major it is YES M'AM PUSSY, WATERING HOLE PUSSY, THUNDER
THIGHS PUSSY and GODDAMN PUSSY all in one. This is the pussy that you
want to put insurance on, just in case anything should happen to it.
This pussy makes you stutter while, speaking and has you nervous for no
reason!!!!

 

[melody]

Creation Of The Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a carpenter, strong and bold,
using a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, endowed with wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Then came a tailor, tall and thin,
with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
using a piece of fur, he lined it without.
Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell,
he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Finally, a sailor, the dirty little runt,
he fucked it and sucked it and called it a cunt.
==========

Q: How can you tell if two lesbians are twins?
A: They lick alike.

Q: What's a tiger?
A: A five-hundred-pound pussy that eats you.

Q: When do you know you're really lonely?
A: Your own tongue starts to feel good in your mouth.
======

One morning a little girl ran inside and said Daddy, Daddy my sister
and the man you hired last week are up on the hay loft in the barn
on all that new hay we just bought. She has her dress up and he has
his pants down. I think they are about to piss all over that new
hay!

========

There once was a girl from Decatur
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew
The result of that screw,
Because after he laid her, he ate her.

There once was a man from Madrass
Whose balls were made out of brass
When he'd bang 'em together
They'd play stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his ass

Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
A. Her lipstick

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.
=====
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

 

[melody]

Pussy Types

1. Expensive Pussy
Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.

Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.

Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion. Often not worth it.

2. Cheap Pussy
Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shake it off.

Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.

Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.

3. Hired Pussy
Found in the Hollywood area of Southern California and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.

Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.

Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.

4. Virgin Pussy
This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.

Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.

Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause "accidents", can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.

5. Nympho Pussy
Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.

Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.

Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.

6. Frigid Pussy
Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).

Advantages: There are no advantages.

Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it.

7. Innocent Nympho Pussy
Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.

Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.

Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.

8. Party Pussy
Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.

Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.

Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.

9. Nutsy Pussy
Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason.. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.

Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it.

 

[melody]

For the Ladies

Ladies, close your eyes and relax
And spread your legs out wide
Get your fingers ready
To take a trip inside

Imagine your fantasy man
Or someone you once knew
Positioned there between your legs
And about to go down on you

The music's playing softly
There's incense in the air
The candlelight is burning low
Imagine...he is there

You feel his fingers touch your lips
They rub you soft and slow
He teases them a little bit
Then smiles and let's go

He bends to take a breath of you
You hear him fill his lungs
He holds it there deep in his chest
Then moans when he is done

He then lowers his head to you
And licks your hot, moist mound
Taking it between his lips
Then lightly nibbles down

He peppers you with kisses
As he holds to your ass tight
Crushes you onto his face
You thrust with all your might

He explores every inch of your pussy
His tongue has found your clit
He kisses, licks, nibbles, and sucks
He loves to play with it

Then you feel his tongue move
Like the wings of a hummingbird
Flicking wildly in every way
Touching every nerve

Your hands are reaching for his head
You grab him by the hair
And press his face against you
Then hold him tightly there

Now his tongue is deep inside
Buried between your lips
Your juice is flowing freely now
And he is savoring it

You hear him moan lowly
As he sucks and licks you out
Both fire and flood roll through you
You let go a deafening shout

Your body rushes with pleasure
You writhe and clutch the sheets
You cum over and over
As he revels in your heat

Finally your body goes limp
You're relaxed, drained, and loose
Yet he continues licking
Getting every drop of juice

As your eyes begin to focus
And your head begins to clear
He climbs up and lies beside you
Then whispers, "C'mere"

He holds you close and kisses you
His lips wet with your taste
You fall asleep totally content
In your lover's embrace

Now ladies take your fingers
And put them in your mouth
Taste that hot and sticky cum
That guys can't do without ; )

 

[melody]

Lil Johnny and Grandpa

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.

After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer.

Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some beer too?"

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.

"No."

"Well, then you're not big enough."

Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up.

Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.

"No."

"Well, then you're not big enough."

Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies.

His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"

Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"

Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick, so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."

Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."
========

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm
so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he
has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would
climb the f*cking walls if you came to visit us again."
========

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?"

And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her
level,
and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy
bwack wabby?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says,
"I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck!"

 

[melody]

FINALLY,A CHAIN LETTER I LIKE!

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor fucking 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send his email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch of fucking bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Ceaser in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

Fuck them!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly fucking amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.


THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)


Make a wish!!!


Keep Scrolling


No, really, go on and make one!!!


Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!


Not that, you pervert!!


STOP!!!!


Wasn't that fun? :)
Hope you made a great wish :)

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.

It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.

Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!


Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.

So this is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.

This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

Chain Letter Type 4

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.
Send it to all your friends.

FRIENDS:

A friend is someone who is always at your side.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes.

A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.

A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.

A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs.

A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.

A friend is NOT someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again!

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all your panties missing tomorrow morning!

 

[melody]

Letter Of Resignation

Dear Sir,

This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a job prerequisite for managerial skills.

I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.

My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies requested and received last week.

Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.

Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.

Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.

My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker. Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone to a better future.

I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass motherfuckers.
Yours sincerely,

NNNNN

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8-year-old
girl's house.
One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he
can't resist taunting the girl.
He holds up the football and says,
"See this football? Football is a boys' game, and only boys can have
a football!"
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her
Mom, "I want a football!"
Being a woman of the 90's, her Mom runs
out and gets her one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the
little boy as he rides up on his bike, she holds up the football and
sings... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike
and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boy's bike and only boys get
boys' bikes and you can't have one!"
She runs to her Mom and the
next day she waits for him on her new boy's bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most
private of parts says,
"Look, only boys have these and your mom
can't buy you one!"
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well,
I guess I showed you!"
to which she promptly pulls up her dress,
points to her parts and proclaims "My Mom tells me that as long as I
have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

 

[melody]

Pussy Whipped

The husband had finally had enough of being Pussy-whipped. He burst through the door after work and yelled, " Here's the deal Woman. I want my dinner on the table in 15 minutes. Afterwards, we're going upstairs where you'll give me a great blowjob.
Then while I'm in the shower, you'll lay out some clean clothes for me. Cause I'm going out on the town with the boys. And do you know who's gonna tie my fucking tie just the way I like it."
"Yes Dear," she replied. "The undertaker."

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»

How many Rednecks does it take to eat a meal? Two, One to eat and
another to watch for cars.
~~~
My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.

~~~
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is
love.........after marriage it is self-defense.

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§

You know You're A Redneck When . . .

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. (oh ick!!!)

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

 

[melody]

Town Marathon

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at
work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her
husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled to the boyfriend,
"Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband's home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the
window! It's raining like hell out there!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!"

So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he
began
running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle
of
a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being
naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as
best he could.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having
the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying
your clothes on your arm?"

The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can get
dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

He replied "Only if it's raining."

@@@

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with
a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This
is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"

The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"

The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"

The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot; I have a wife and
kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and
says, Alright, now suck my cock!"

"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"

The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he
drops the gun.

The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to
the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it!" One of my friends might
walk in!"

 

[melody]

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually
mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar
system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than
****** you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

....and the number 1 rejection line given by women


1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male
perspective thing)

787878

There was a young man from St. Paul,
Who went to a masquerade ball,
And just for a stunt,
He dressed as a cunt,
And was fucked by a dog in the hall!

787878

There once was a girl named Louise,
Who's pubic hair hung to her knees,
The crabs came together,
And knitted a sweater,
So in winter her cunt would not freeze!

 

[melody]

The Gynecologist

A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the
stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling. He says: You're
nervous, aren't you?
Yes, it's my first visit to a gynecologist.
Would you like me to numb you down there?
Oh, yes please.
He sticks his face between her legs and goes Num, num, num .

yyyyy

CONFUCIUS SAY:

Woman who springs on innerspring this spring, gets offspring next spring.

Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.

Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking wet pussy.

Girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in bed.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants

Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine.

yyyyy

My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told
her she couldn't make love. I've known this for years I want to know how
he found out!

yyyyy

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without
her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for
herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went.
Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble
trying to eat the turkey said the daughter.
Did it not taste good her mother asked.
I don't know,the blonde said. It wouldn't sit still!

Downsizing

A small business owner was faced with a problem that he needed to
downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he
could get by if he laid off one of his employees. He looked in his files
and discovered that he had two new employees, one named Jill and the
other named Jack. Because they had started on the same day at the same
time, he wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire. Finally
he decided that the first one he saw taking a break would be fired.
About ten minutes later, he saw Jill leaning against the wall
next to the water cooler. He left his office and walked over to her with
a serious look on his face. He turned to her and said, "Jill, I have some
rather bad news. It seems as though I'm going to lay you or Jack off."
Jill looked at her employer and said, "Well, you're going to have
to jack off. I have a headache."

#####

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend finishes off some
Peanuts on the coffee table.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother,
"Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Sure, since I lost my dentures I can only suck
The chocolate off 'em."

#####

A gay guy pays a visit on his doctor and confides that he has, um, a vibrator stuck up his ass.
The doc says, "No problem, I'll have it out shortly."
"Oh, no, don't remove it."
The doc says, puzzled, "Then what do you want me to do?"
"Change the batteries, please."

#####

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.
"Your wife makes a delicious roast, "The chief said.
"Thanks," his friend said. "I'm gonna miss her."

 

[melody]

The Chinese Laundryman

This Chinese laundryman complained to the doctor that he was very
constipated.
The doctor gave him a prescription for a good laxative. Come
to my office in a few days, said the doctor, and let me know how it works.
A few days later, the Chinaman visited the doctor.
Have you moved yet? asks the doctor.
No, sir, me no moovee, me no moovee. The doc thinks about it, and then gives him a prescription for twice as
much.
Three days later, when the man reported to the doc again, he said that
he still hadn't moved and the doc gave him a triple dose, and he said,
Come back to see me in two days and let me know just what is happening.
Two days later, the man returned.
Well, said the doctor, have you moved yet?
No, sir, me no moovee yet.
Me moovee tomorrow, though.
House full of shit.

=========
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
========
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at
the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring
blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting
there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If
you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the
bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking
and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

 

[melody]

Advantages/Disadvantages Of Having A Threesome

Advantages

1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without
interrupting the proceedings
3. There's always a hand or mouth
free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3
ways are only $20
5. You get to watch your
best friends making love
6. You get to get watched
making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and
oral sex has to be experienced to
be believed
8. You get strange looks when
you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when
you all go out comparison shopping for
condoms
10. Enough people to play gin rummy
if things don't work out
11. You can safely check yourself for any
homosexual tendencies without
actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during
climax isn't as much of a problem, the
"wrong name" is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Disadvantages

1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to
decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are
even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that
while you're in the bathroom; the
other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really
sick things your friends like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller
than you remember them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart
when drawing on your notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies
you didn't suspect or want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies
in one of your friends you
didn't suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice
the normal number of relationships
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses
walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the
boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes
comical proportions
15. Now there are two wet spots to avoid.

 

[melody]

Truisms

1. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's
troublesome.

2. Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a
while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually
enjoying it.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.

4. Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law.

5. Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

6. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does
milk.

7. Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them!!

8. You're not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing!

9. Forgive your enemies but remember their names



A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says.
"Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop
dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."



It was a little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to
play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the
students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.
When it was the new boy, Kenny's turn, the teacher gave him a candy
kiss.
She asked "Do you know what it is?" Kenny replied "No"
The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it." Little Kenny
did so.
The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?" Little Kenny said
"Nooooo."
The teacher said, "I"ll give you a hint...it is something your daddy
wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work." A little
girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "KENNY, SPIT IT
OUT......... IT'S A PIECE OF ASS."

 

[melody]

Five Short Stories For Men, By Men

ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy
crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."

TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked
Him to forgive me.

THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting,
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and
yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If
you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That
would hurt too much'."

FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why
and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

FIVE
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral sex from a 98 year old woman. They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
Don't look down
---------
I once had a lady friend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.
--------
A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.

He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis."

"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.

"No," she replied. "That dead."